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... Send *bella a private message | | | *bella's profile:"Always be Kinder than necessary"... J M Barrie
I've added some new quotes today (but also kept the earlier ones below)
And the next two quotes are from a wise Uncle on this site called BrownWolf http://www.dearcupid.org/people/brownwolf
“I very thankful for the ounce of common sense I have...because sense is not that common. :) “
"Stay away from foolish people; they have nothing to teach you."
That quote about foolish people from BrownWolf is so true. A weak person cannot be trusted. With a strong person you have more certainty, they are not afraid to stand up and be counted when they are needed.
And I especially like BrownWolf's first quote above on common sense and so I asked BrownWolf for permission to replicate it here. BrownWolf then generously offered the second quote, above, as well.
When you meet a person for the first time, then imagine they are facing their biggest challenge ever:
With this mind-set it reminds us to be kind and use empathy because we can never truly know the extent of personal challenges a person is currently facing.
Badgering a person and humiliation with unreasonable demands for "I have to know" is more likely to harm than help. We do not "have to know". Be kind. Listen carefully and remain supportive. Then the person will willingly reveal more and feel safe to reveal more again.
We can never assume that things are much easier than things are for ourselves.
It encourages one to listen carefully and employ empathy in our dealings with others.
In life we face many things. But with each challenge we can grow a little stronger. When you meet a person with great strength of character it is possible that they grew that strength as a result of some very tough obstacles and some personal tragedies.
Never underestimate such a person.
Strength does not imply brutality nor cruelty and often not even physical strength.
A truly strong person will never seek to harm another. They know their strength and they know that kindness will move mountains more easily than brutality.
Then there is one of my favourites: Sun Tzu.
The wisdom of Sun Tzu is still as fresh as the day he wrote it 4000 years ago:
“A leader leads by example not by force. “
And now some less well known quotes:
“It is much more valuable to look for the strength in others. You can gain nothing by criticizing their imperfections.”
by Daisaku Ikeda
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
by Maya Angelou
“Challenges are what will make us stronger.”
by Zainab Alsaati
Respect other people's feelings. Even if it doesn't mean anything to you, it could mean everything to them. (quoted by many, but generally considered to be by 'unknown')
'As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.'.....Andrew Carnegie
I also respect the Chinese idea of "face" - there is no need to humiliate people. It demeans the one doing the demeaning. there are better ways to call a person to account with dignity. Focus on the Issue when there is a problem rather than be accusatory to the person
'Spilled water is hard to regain' (fù shu nán shou)
"Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt,
kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust, and hostility to evaporate." .....Albert Schweitzer
'A sunny disposition is worth more than fortune.
Young people should know that it can be cultivated; that the mind like the body can be moved from the shade into sunshine'. .Andrew Carnegie
"We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds." ... Author Unknown, from A Great Life Lesson
“It always seems impossible until it's done.”... Nelson Mandella
"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .....Mother Teresa
"Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough." .....Franklin D. Roosevelt
'Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results.'...Andrew Carnegie
what's your favourite quote?
But all is not sweetness, kindness and light in this complex world.
There really are afflicted and inadequate people in this world who get their pleasure from deliberately trying to hurt others.
They do this out of an inflated sense of their importance in the scheme of things. They feel entitled to be mean to others. They have become arrogant over the years.
Yet they are not the strong individuals they think they are. Instead they are passive aggressive bullies.
There are those afflicted with traits that are so petty and unkind that one wonders what has happened to make them that way?
Their arrogance will not allow them to step back and get help for their afflictions.
Instead, like a bull in a china shop, they just keep on head butting harder and harder, using the same tactics they've been using for years to try to get their own way.
What traits cause the problems for such insecure arrogant persons with an inflated sense of entitlement?
Here are a few of the afflictions that continually cause problems in their relationships:
Negativity?
Passive Aggression?
Being Hate filled towards those they see as ''less'' than themselves = everyone?
Envy
Jealousy
For those afflicted with those horrible traits all I can feel for these tormented souls is pity that they are beset with such inadequacies and negativity.
The traits result in them concocting a lie that they are the victims, when in reality they are instead the bullies, the overly judgmental and nasty arrogant persons who enjoy hurting others.
Just feel sorry for them and their inadequate responses.
Then go forth and find things to enjoy in life. Find the positive, find ways to be supportive and kind to others. It is win win in every way on all sides.
Turn your back on cruel unkind and bitter people. Leave them to scheme alone. Their negativity causes their faces to betray their bitterness within.
Their hearts harden and they wonder why others can be so unaffected by all their schemes to hurt others. They are the losers who think their nastiness towards others is justified. |
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My brother is verbally abusing me and I've had enough. What should I do now?
Q. just a quick moan, fed up with my younger brother. Hes always been a bit high strung, on his high horse, strong opinionated etc but hes such a hypocrit! Last year he got a 30k pay off from work and pretty much blew the lot on daft nights out, clot...
A. 27 July 2012: Never borrow another brass razoo from him.
And never lend him another cent either.
He may be your brother, but no one needs to endure this.
Selfish, rude, arrogant, abusive. Who would ever want to spend time with this legend (to himself only... (read in full...)
How do you bring up mental illness in a delicate way?
Q. I always thought something was off with my BF until recently when I found out for sure there's something very off. I found tiny, secret cameras hidden in small holes all over our apartment, my mail was opened by him, and I think he records my ...
A. 26 July 2012: Only a proper specialist Doctor can diagnose this illness. I would call his behaviour criminal first.
It can be very dangerous to try to label a person as mentally ill when they are simply a nasty mean depraved ciminal person. Yes they may also... (read in full...)
Basically, I just want him back!
Q. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Long story short- Myself and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago to the day as life just seemed to be against us basically; due to other commitments we didn't get to spend enough time together. Mainly on his part- his long ...
A. 26 July 2012:
hi,
Sadly i think he is being rude by not responding about your CD
I think a letter by snail mail where you ask him to please return the CD.
However the CD may be lost forever. If he can't return your CD like an honorable gentleman then h... (read in full...)
She's my Dream Girl. But I'm consumed with jealousy over her past. Can someone help me resolve this huge problem?
Q. how do I stop thinking about my Girlfriends past and make sure its not the end of our future? I looked at many sites about guys on this subject but Wow all these dudes think they got it bad with like girlfriends having 3-4 partners more then th...
A. 25 July 2012: Two Uncles and One Aunt on DearCupid.org are absolute treasures when it comes to explaining Retrograde Jealousy.(RJ). It afflicts many men
First below is a very good account of RJ by Tisha_1
Another is by Uncle YOS as he is outstanding ... (read in full...)
I've known him for years My female friend likes him too. He asked me out. How do we tell my female friend without her getting mad at both of us?
Q. My friend and I both like the same guy. he has known me since the 2nd grade but he has only known her for a couple months. He and I have been talking for a long time and he has liked me for years now and i really like him too. he asked me out...
A. 25 July 2012: And why shouldn't he ask you out? He has known you for ages. You are the one he has chosen. Just enjoy him.
Your friend is not going out with him and he has not asked her out and she has not asked him out.
You have a perfect right to enjoy his... (read in full...)
Is this enough? So even though I think he likes me, does he really like me ?
Q. Hello aunts. Ive looked this question up but honestly it all just seems a little foolish. I have a friend that ive known since elementary school, he's eighteen and recently moved closer to me. I see him everyday and I know he likes me everyon...
A. 25 July 2012: He sure does like you. But try not to base the relationship on the level of cuddling. That's the "he's got a big crush on you"
However I think he held back a little as he felt it is moving too fast as far as the physical cuddling.
You have ... (read in full...)
This man wants to date with no strings attached
Q. man with bagage from last relationship just wants to hang out, no commitment, supper, movie, site seeing, sex and interrested in other women also what should i do?...
A. 25 July 2012: he is not worthy of your time and attention.
He is selfish and has nothing to offer and wants you to lower your expectations to the very very little he is willing to offer.
I would walk away from him at double quick time
You are worthy of... (read in full...)
How can you tell if love has faded?
Q. Ive been in a long distance reltionship for two years now. My queshtion is, how do you know when youve lost feelings for someone? We love eachother very much, but past couple months i dont know how i feel about this relationship. We don't get t...
A. 25 July 2012: You have only seen each other twice in two years.
Though you talk daily.
You really are amazing that you have been able to make a LDR last this long, with so little contact. At least once every three months would seem reasonable. And maybe th... (read in full...)
Could Dylan be the one?
Q. Lately I’ve been thinking about this guy, Dylan. We’d gone out on two dates back in February. It’d ended as quickly as it begun. He’d made it so easy for me to lose interest with all his talk about superheroes and comic books. I didn’t want to date ...
A. 25 July 2012: I think infatuation is when you are focused in such a way that ALL you want to do is jump his bones all the time.
But Love to me is when you feel so calm and at peace and forgiving even sometimes. You share some common goals. And have some dif... (read in full...)
I had sex the day before ovulating, does that mean I could be pregnant?
Q. Hey. I'm new to this site. I need help. I know my body very well and I've done tests to see when I ovulate and it just so happens that I had sex a day before ovulating and that's the day you are most likely to fall pregnant? So, we did the deed and...
A. 25 July 2012: Hi
Try not to stress at this point, because that is not good for you. And if you are pregnant is is not good for you and the baby.
The lubricating fluid that is released first by a man can still have some semen in it. That fluid helps the sperm to... (read in full...)
I had sex the day before ovulating, does that mean I could be pregnant?
Q. Hey. I'm new to this site. I need help. I know my body very well and I've done tests to see when I ovulate and it just so happens that I had sex a day before ovulating and that's the day you are most likely to fall pregnant? So, we did the deed and...
A. 24 July 2012: Please visit the Doctor and have a proper test, because yes you definitely could be pregnant. You chose the ideal time to have sex to get pregnant. And the sperm can remain alive within you and viable for another couple of days. So your timing is ... (read in full...)
Basically, I just want him back!
Q. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Long story short- Myself and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago to the day as life just seemed to be against us basically; due to other commitments we didn't get to spend enough time together. Mainly on his part- his long ...
A. 23 July 2012: this is really difficult, is it not, when so much is riding on the outcome.
It is easy to just delete a text and think nothing of it, because it's impersonal. You don't see or hear the emotion in his face or his voice. and he does not see and ... (read in full...)
Why would a man not talk about his girlfriend and keep her a secret?
Q. I would like to know why a guy would not talk about his girlfriend around you. Ever. If you ask him a question about her, he will answer with one word, go silent and change the subject. He goes out of his way to tell you that he is alone on a Friday ...
A. 22 July 2012: Hi
He may not see her as a long term girfriend and she may just be a fling.
Or she may already be in a relationship and he does not want others to know that he is seeing someone who is married or in a relationship.
Or she is just his FWB even if ... (read in full...)
I feel like the third wheel in the relationship
Q. This is kind of an awkward situation for me. My boyfriend has a four year old son. Well anyways, he brings me his ex's house with him to visit his son. I find it rather awkward to be hanging around an ex of his all of the time. I don't really talk ...
A. 22 July 2012: i do not think he wants the ex in his life, but he know his ex very well. He knows his ex has not moved on, and wants him back. So he takes you along to make it clear to his ex that he has a new relationship. He is using you to shield him from her ... (read in full...)
Influenced by his new friend, he has filed for divorce!
Q. just over a month ago my husband of almost 12yrs left me we had been together 15yrs.the main problem for me was the fact that my husband had a new friend who would do everything he could to seperate us when we was out on a night our other friends ...
A. 22 July 2012: Very very sadly your husband has found a New Best Friend who is telling your hisband exactly what your husband wants to hear.
The man you love is walking down a different path.
Strenuously assert to your solicitor that you do not want a divorce ... (read in full...)
Manipulative, controlling husband now doing the same to the kids!
Q. Hi, I've been to the forum before and it's really helped a lot since I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years whose been manipulative, controlling and not social at all. We have kids (9 and 4). Now my husband will leave ...
A. 22 July 2012: it is completely understandable that you have been feeling under great stress at this time and that your emotions are heightened.
I wish you and your family well in the future.
regards
Abella... (read in full...)
Action wanted, not just words!
Q. Hi fellow advice givers, I am dating my boyfriend of almost two years now and I have a few things I need help with. 1.) In all of my relationships, whether it's romantically with another guy, friends, or family, I have always been the giver an...
A. 22 July 2012: if he is not initiating nice things like he used to and if he is leaving all the organizing to you then either he is taking you for granted (which is not good) or he has lost confidence to suggest outings and feels that the only way to please you is ... (read in full...)
Romantic night romantic enough?
Q. I need advice, im planning a romantic night for my boyfriend tomorrow night so i need answers asap! i planned on lighting 2 candles "the room is small) and getting some rose peddels putting some on the floor and bed, buting a 12 pack of his fav. ...
A. 22 July 2012: First of all you are trying far too hard.
What your man would really love is if you listen rapt to his stories. Don't interrupt him. Let him tell you more about him. Let him go on at length about the things that are important to him. Really t... (read in full...)
How to keep a guy?
Q. I'll try to make this as short as possible. My question is more how to keep a guy. My problem is, I never seem to be able to stay in a relationship, or even let it get to a serious relationship. The thing is, it's me that breaks it, not them. I just ...
A. 22 July 2012: First and foremost pick the right guy. How do you do that?
1. Do not be impatient.
2. Observe guys but do not get too eager
3. Watch how a guy relates to his friends and peers
a. is he respectful to others (tick)
b. is he a show-off or ... (read in full...)
Action wanted, not just words!
Q. Hi fellow advice givers, I am dating my boyfriend of almost two years now and I have a few things I need help with. 1.) In all of my relationships, whether it's romantically with another guy, friends, or family, I have always been the giver an...
A. 22 July 2012: hi
It is a fallacy that you have to share every single very private minute thought you might be mulling over in your head with a boyfriend.
In the short term it is perfectly acceptable to switch and talk about anything that happened that day,
O... (read in full...)
Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so we could make up!
Q. Well it's been awhile since I got divorced, thanks for the help Aunts. I now have a new problem. I started dating a wonderful woman last October and things were wonderful. Having been in an abusive relationship though I have had a lot to learn a...
A. 21 July 2012: another alternative is to make her something delicious.
Arrive with the home made meal around 5pm on Friday night, so you stand at the door with something lovely, that smells and tastes good. And offer it to her to make studying easier. (if she ... (read in full...)
Manipulative, controlling husband now doing the same to the kids!
Q. Hi, I've been to the forum before and it's really helped a lot since I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years whose been manipulative, controlling and not social at all. We have kids (9 and 4). Now my husband will leave ...
A. 21 July 2012: it is very hard to get out of an abusive relationship as the abuser undermines your own self esteem and has no real respect for anyone but the abuser.
So I applaud your actions in ending the relationship,
He thinks he is justified in all he does.... (read in full...)
Basically, I just want him back!
Q. SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Long story short- Myself and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago to the day as life just seemed to be against us basically; due to other commitments we didn't get to spend enough time together. Mainly on his part- his long ...
A. 21 July 2012: Lots of couples do enjoy loving successful happy relationships even thought they do have to cope with period apart.
He clearly want to be back with you.
You clearly want him to be back with you.
Swallow your pride and make the first move. But ... (read in full...)
Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so we could make up!
Q. Well it's been awhile since I got divorced, thanks for the help Aunts. I now have a new problem. I started dating a wonderful woman last October and things were wonderful. Having been in an abusive relationship though I have had a lot to learn a...
A. 21 July 2012: Correction:
and her yelling at you is not going to help either.
Because you are not in need of that type of treatment if you are still working through the issues from a previous prior relationship that was abusive.
Your girlfriend sound... (read in full...)
Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me so we could make up!
Q. Well it's been awhile since I got divorced, thanks for the help Aunts. I now have a new problem. I started dating a wonderful woman last October and things were wonderful. Having been in an abusive relationship though I have had a lot to learn a...
A. 21 July 2012: Yes she wants you back. She is trying not to pressure you. AND she wants you to have the time to deal with the Counselling and resolve some issues.
Keep her informed about the state of the counselling and what you are finding interesting.
Read ... (read in full...)
Manipulative, controlling husband now doing the same to the kids!
Q. Hi, I've been to the forum before and it's really helped a lot since I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years whose been manipulative, controlling and not social at all. We have kids (9 and 4). Now my husband will leave ...
A. 21 July 2012: Your husband is completely out of line.
I know you want him to leave but I have visions of him going back on his word. You may have to leave in the end but make sure you protect what is yours.
And your husband needs to know that the Rest of ... (read in full...)
How do I make my boyfriend break up with me ?
Q. He is 26. I am 19. We are in a serious relationship and we have gone far in our relation. But he is very much possesive and feels insecure all the time.. He puts alot of restrictions on me.. He is very much bossy.. He decides where to go, where not ...
A. 21 July 2012: And do not break up with him when you are alone together.
Either have someone with you and tell him in a public place.
Or phone him and suggest to him you are going to record the phone and ask for his permission to record the phone call and tell... (read in full...)
How do I make my boyfriend break up with me ?
Q. He is 26. I am 19. We are in a serious relationship and we have gone far in our relation. But he is very much possesive and feels insecure all the time.. He puts alot of restrictions on me.. He is very much bossy.. He decides where to go, where not ...
A. 21 July 2012: he is manipulative and controlling and as long as he can make your life a misery he will keep on being controlling and manipulative to you.
Show the courage.
Let him know the relationship is over and then stay away from him, no matter what he says.... (read in full...)
How can I be a good girlfriend so our relationship flourishes?
Q. Im 22 years old and I have recently started a relationship with a guy Brendon who is almost 26 years old. Brendon and I have been really good friends for about 3 years, we even knew each other when we were in relationships with other people. Both ...
A. 21 July 2012: Sounds like it is very early days. Because although you have a good strong foundation together as good friends he now wants to go on to develop an even closer relationship.
Since I think both of you have been doing everything right so far I would ... (read in full...)
Is it worth trying to get her back?
Q. my girlfriend just recently broke up with me.we were together for 9 yrs and we have three girls.the reason for the break up was that when she was working she started talking to a guy who worked at the same place.and other people that worked with her ...
A. 21 July 2012: I am so very sorry that you have had to suffer persistent dishonesty by your girlfriend.
In fact your girlfriend cannot even be honest with her own family.
And she must currently be carrying around a huge amount of guilt.
If she wants to come back... (read in full...)
I don't want to make the wrong move!
Q. A friend of mine, who happens to be a girl, has been hanging out with me a lot more, lately she even fell asleep in my bed, and when I woke up she had her arms around me and her head on my chest, she claimed to be shocked waking up in this ...
A. 21 July 2012: Ask the girl out for a nice happy outing. How many more signals does this girl need to give you before you are prepared to do a little more of the running in this friendship? Initiate some fun outings. Not one but several. Keep it light. Don't push. ... (read in full...)
Manipulative, controlling husband now doing the same to the kids!
Q. Hi, I've been to the forum before and it's really helped a lot since I am I'm the course of splitting from my husband of over 12 years whose been manipulative, controlling and not social at all. We have kids (9 and 4). Now my husband will leave ...
A. 21 July 2012: Your husband has his own issues and he is not going to stop trying to be controlling of anyone he thinks he can dominate.
You need to protect your child from this abuse. September is too far away.
And be alert for him to try to manipulate yo... (read in full...)
Action wanted, not just words!
Q. Hi fellow advice givers, I am dating my boyfriend of almost two years now and I have a few things I need help with. 1.) In all of my relationships, whether it's romantically with another guy, friends, or family, I have always been the giver an...
A. 21 July 2012: First off you are GIVING far too much if the balance is unsettled between the two of you. Don't be so quick to step in and give and hope he might return the favour. If that is not who he is then he will not.
Some people who like to 'take' / receiv... (read in full...)
He claims to love me and yet talks so badly to me. Is it just manipulation?
Q. I've told a controlling and manipulative husband of over 12 years that I want to leave him and he's looking for jobs in another city after trying for 3 months to convince me. As I show him a strong front but he still tries to use every opportunity ...
A. 19 July 2012: I think I will add in that he also has inadequacy issues.
Take care that he does not try to sue you for alimony. He may feel entitled to do so. Even though he may be laughed out of court.
If you earn more than him his ego is bruised.
He's ch... (read in full...)
He claims to love me and yet talks so badly to me. Is it just manipulation?
Q. I've told a controlling and manipulative husband of over 12 years that I want to leave him and he's looking for jobs in another city after trying for 3 months to convince me. As I show him a strong front but he still tries to use every opportunity ...
A. 19 July 2012: He is drawing things out because he has got so used to abusing you verbally. What he going to do now?
Just when he thought he could abuse you forever he is facing a challenge. How is he going to find a woman willing to be abused? He's have to put ... (read in full...)
How is seating at weddings usually arranged?
Q. How is seating at weddings usually arranged? I know it's immediate family in the first row... And then what? There are some people I'd like at my wedding but I don't know how to see them. Some know a lot of people coming and some know nobody!...
A. 19 July 2012: Ooooopps Read the Question Abella!!!
I think, in hindsight, that you meant the actual wedding, not the reception. With egg on my face I will proceed.
At the wedding, seating can be affected by which religion is central at the wedding. But... (read in full...)
How is seating at weddings usually arranged?
Q. How is seating at weddings usually arranged? I know it's immediate family in the first row... And then what? There are some people I'd like at my wedding but I don't know how to see them. Some know a lot of people coming and some know nobody!...
A. 19 July 2012: The Bride and Groom are usually in the most prominent place where as many people as possible can see them and toast them. Then Flanked by attendants and their parents.
Usually with a dance area in front of the above table.
I have attended a ... (read in full...)
Mixed feelings with my roommate... What do I do??
Q. Last September I had two roommates move in. Things have been great except that one of the roommates there was an instant connection. We both would anticipate each other coming home. Know this because he told me so. We hooked up once after a ...
A. 19 July 2012: Hi
I definitely do not think you sabotaged anything. And if he gets a little bitter and twisted when he has had a few drinks and brings up stuff you did not mean then you have not even seen the half of his mean side yet.
He is used to getting t... (read in full...)
Why does my 50 year old boyfriend sleep with his mother?
Q. Is it normal fort a 50 some year old guy to choose to sleep in the same bed with his Mom when there are other beds/sleeping arrangements available? My boyfriend makes a habit of doing this and I find it creepy....
A. 19 July 2012: just the thought of his Mom allowing such innappropriate behaviour which may have gone on for years means that this guy has possible (un-resolved) issues that may have scarred him.
Do not allow yourself to be drawn into this web.
Look up 'michell... (read in full...)
My wife's fulfilled sexually but I am not. Please help!
Q. Hi, I have tried masturbating but find it difficult to keep a solid erection. I am specifically masturbating to get over premature ejaculation. I am trying stop-start but everytime I stop I become flaccid which is nothign like it is in the bedroo...
A. 18 July 2012: in the interests of marital harmony buy yourself a fleshlight and you will enjoy far more control and be able to vary the intensity. Not sure of the website but i am sure you can google it.... (read in full...)
Why does childbirth hurt so much?
Q. Why does childbirth hurt so much? I heard it's like breaking a dozen bones. Is it because the baby stretches out the vagina our puts pressure on the body? Please explain all the pains one feels when giving birth. I want to be ready....
A. 18 July 2012: Each woman is different.
And yes some women go through a tough time.
I can tell you my experience, to see if it helps. The smallest I gave birth to was 6 pounds 6 ounces. The largest not much more than that. Yes, I was conscious of eating healthil... (read in full...)
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