A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll try to make this as short as possible. My question is more how to keep a guy. My problem is, I never seem to be able to stay in a relationship, or even let it get to a serious relationship. The thing is, it's me that breaks it, not them. I just can't figure out why I end it so fast. There's always a reason I can come up with every time, but it never seems to be a good reason when i go over it. In all 21 years I've never been in a relationship for any holiday or birthday...My question is, does anyone have any advice on how to break that habit? I really want to find someone, but until I figure out a way to convince mysef not to break it off after I sleep with them I'm afraid it'll never happen. This isn't like a friends with benefits thing, i swear. I really try to get to know these guys, start something...but it always always ends in less than 2 weeks. Help..PLEASE
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Something tells me you've never been in love with any of these boyfriends. Have you? If you have then it would surprise me that you ended a relationship with them. When you are in love you are head over heels for the other person, want to be with them non stop, and can't go for a day without each other. By your description of dumping them right after you have sex with them it doesn't sound like any of these man actually interested you to begin with. Maybe you were hoping that you'd magically connect through sex, and then when it doesn't happen you drop them.
I suggest, if you want a lasting relationship (define "long" and "lasting" how you wish yourself), fall in love with the guy, or at least crush heavily on him, before you have sex. Sex is sort of the next step in a relationship. Don't move too fast ahead before you're all clear on the first steps.
1. Meet, have an attraction.
2. Crush on each other, date, court each other, flirt.
3. Fall in love.
4. Be in an exclusive relationship for a few weeks or maybe even a few months.
5. Move on to sex.
6. Meet the parents.
7. Go on vacations together.
8. Discuss moving in together.
Etc. Etc.
Don't skip from step 1 to 4 without going through 2 and 3. Once you're in love you don't want to let the man go, trust me. You'll cling to him as if you will die if he isn't near you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): "How to keep a guy?"
By putting him up in his own luxury residence rent free, paying all living expenses while providing generous spending allowance on top of regular deposits to bank account, making sure everyting you give him (which will be everything he has, including but not limited to clothes, cars, baubles, toys) are best money can buy, in exchange for providing discreet sexual favors outside your marriage. At least that's how guys my age (over-50) keep girls yout age.
Seriously, nobody should want to "keep" a guy or a girl, which is precisely your problem. Thinking like that tends to draw you to guys based on they say they see in you (which is usually whatever you want to hear, anything they can possibly think of to strike the right chord and get you into bed). You should be drawn to a guy for the unique individual qualities you see in him, and how your unique individual qualities could make his life better for him if you were in it.
Old fashioned and out of style I know, no match for "he tells me he loves me" and "he treats me like a queen."
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 July 2012):
 First and foremost pick the right guy. How do you do that?
1. Do not be impatient.
2. Observe guys but do not get too eager
3. Watch how a guy relates to his friends and peers
a. is he respectful to others (tick)
b. is he a show-off or boastful or interrupts or
rude? (cross him off the list)
c. is he a good listener (tick)
d. does he leave a trail of disappointed girls
(possibly a heart breaker - leave him to girls who
don't mind their hearts broken)
4. Is he known as a 'player' (cross him off the list)
5. How does he ask you out? respectfully? good
6. Does he not actually ask you out but leave you wondering? (walk away from him until he is more confident or more mature. He is not ready for you or he is playing you.
7. Does he push for sex ASAP (walk away - he does not want you he just wants sex. Any girl will do - don't just be any girl)
Once you do find a guy who seems to match you well and the is compliant with the list above there is hope. But remember the list above is not exhaustive but it is a start.
So he is respectful. He has not pushed for sex. He has asked you out. Things are going well.
So how can you keep such a great guy?
It MUST be a given that you shower every day, use deoderant every day, clean your teeth twice a day, wash your hair every other day, don't do illicit drugs, don't get completely drunk and make a spectacle of yourself. Guys will ***k any girl. But for a girlfriend who they want to keep long term they like a lady.Don't gossip or be bitter and twisted and jealous of other girls. Have some worthwhile hopes and dreams. Have goals. Know your Strengths, weaknesses etc. Work on improving your weaknesses. Eat healthy. Go to the gym or at least walk a few miles every day (wear a counter/pedometer to determine how far you walk daily).
1. get to know him without sex. A guy will not die from lack of sex. But he may run from you after he had had sex too early with a girl.
2. Get to know his hopes, his dreams. Let him talk about himself as often as he wants. No interruptions.
3. He should introduce you to his friends and family as soon as possible. If he wants to keep you as his secret then he is not the one.
4. Never pressure him to introduce you to his family and friends. It MUST be his decision.
5. Develop some shared interests together
6. Don't spend a date texting your friends
7. Don't flirt with his friends
8. Never cheat. If you want to cheat then break up with him first.
9. Don't whine and complain, and don't cackle like a witch
10. Don't try to control him - you do not own him
11. respect him and his family and friends and behave accordingly
12 Never dress nor act as if you are a tart in a reality show even if you are invited to a Fancy Dress party. Dress and act and talk like a lady. (cut the swearing it is not attractive)
Some of these things may seem a big ask. But once you develop confidence in you and respect you then most of the list will just become automatic in the way you act in future.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2012):
 Oh, and don't sleep with anyone for now.
If that's too difficult, well..... time for qualified professional counseling! It's all good!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2012):
How to keep a guy? Have you tried not breaking up with him?
I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I am basing this answer on your post.
Just enjoy being with him.
Enjoy his company.
Silence that busy body in your head that is creating drama.
....
Don't break up with the guy.
Why is that so difficult?
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