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... Send *hGetReal a private message | | | *hGetReal's profile:Hi,
I am on Dear Cupid rather sporadically, some weeks I will answer lots of questions and you may not see me on here again for a month, that is because I volunteer my time to do this and I have a personal life, too.
I am qualified to help people mostly because I have had a lot of life experience and have lived through a lot a relationship problems, both romantic and and family. I have personal experience with mentally ill people, though it is not my profession I am degreed in Psychology and I read, A LOT.
I tend to answer mostly questions about break ups, troubled relationships that have to do with someone being blind to the fact that they are being mistreated or may even be in an abusive relationship. I am not going to sugar coat it and tell you what you want to hear, your boyfriend/girlfriend has probably manipulated you enough by doing that. I am going to tell you the truth as I see it.
Most problems people have in relationships are a problem with thinking. We all have trouble seeing our own problems clearly because we are too close to the problem or the person we are having trouble with. It isn't a disparagement of you to point out the flaws in your thinking, it's what you came here for...some advice, a clear perspective or how your situation seems to someone who is not too emotionally involved. It's why Doctors are not allowed to operate on their own family, they don't do a good job, they are too close, they care too much.
So you may not like my advice or think I give the same answer to every girl or guy with a love problem, but I can assure you that it is mostly because I answer the same types of questions. And as hard as it is for you to accept, most problem relationships have the same things going on with them and all the he said, she saids and details do not make a hill of beans (OK, yes I am older)because it is the same old story that women and men struggle with.
That is what I am here to help you muddle through. You can choose to disagree with me, or disregard my advice. After all, it is your life and your life is a sum of your own choices. If you want a guiding light or not that is clearly up to you, so don't shoot the messenger for shining a light on your faulty thinking.
Have a blessed day. |
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We are not blood related. But can we go forward together? It's awkward due to our parents previous affairs.
Q. Hey Aunts! I have a really strange issue on my hands here. I met a guy about a month ago, we have been chit chatting and getting to know each other over the phone etc. His work hours make it challenging for us to meet up too often...but we try to a...
A. 4 June 2011: It's not that creepy, adults sometimes make mistakes. If you want to be friends with him and if he wants to be friends with you fine.
It doesn't seem he is all that interested in dating you though, so I'd be careful there.... (read in full...)
In a long distance relationship, and we won't be able to meet again until 2012!
Q. i am in a ldr committed relationship since 2 years. last time i met my bf was december 2010. now my bf said that he will meet me on may 2012!!! this is because he has to study hard this year to go to a good college next year.he's taking one yea...
A. 4 June 2011: Doesn't sound like a relationship to me, he'd move mountains to see you if he were in love. Do you really think he's staying away from the opposite sex a year at a time?
Date lots of boys in your own city, jeez.... (read in full...)
Tremendous sexual tension with this guy at work, we got together against all odds, and now his dominating ex (who he broke up with, for me) claims she's pregnant. He's back with her, says I was just a shoulder to cry on!
Q. Hi, all and any advice will be greatly appreciated as I've gotten myself into a bit of a emotional pickle. In May last year I started a new job. In September a flirtation began between a colleague and I, one who unfortunately was in a 3 year rela...
A. 4 June 2011: His girlfriend clearly has Borderline Personality Disorder, and your friend may suffer from some form of a personality disorder as well, hw sounds like a histrionic narcissist to me all these labels serve a purpose, I don't have time to go into it.... (read in full...)
What kinds of lies would you tolerate in a relationship?
Q. I know people lie. I know I tell a little lie at least every day whether it is i try not to but it happens. Now my question is what kinds of lies would you tolerate in a relationship. For example, a girl I have been seeing lies to me sometimes whe...
A. 4 June 2011: You know what, her lying when she doesn't even need to (To protect herself, or to pull a big one over on you) is a function of her character, which is generally unchangeable, or is an indication of who she really is...so think long and hard about ... (read in full...)
I don't understand why my friend still texts him
Q. My best friend met this guy who she thought was 23/24 and he thought she was 26. So they both assumed without knowing. When really he is 28 nearly 29 and she is 18. Does anyone else find it weird that someone his age and hers are texting each other? ...
A. 3 June 2011: It depends on the nature of the conversations, if he takes on a guiding older brother type role, then I think it's harmless, but somehow I don't think that's it.
He is the creepy one if he is trying to groom her into trusting him so he can make... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: What is he doing to work on his faults? Therapy? Just because you feel you are broken and have been in therapy for years and years, does not mean you only deserve to be with a guy like him. I don't know what your therapy is like or what you... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: Sure, you are hurting right now, and nothing makes a lot of sense, nor will you be able to come to a clean decision about him, until you've had some time to process everything. If your head knows better, give your heart time to catch up. I thi... (read in full...)
What kinds of lies would you tolerate in a relationship?
Q. I know people lie. I know I tell a little lie at least every day whether it is i try not to but it happens. Now my question is what kinds of lies would you tolerate in a relationship. For example, a girl I have been seeing lies to me sometimes whe...
A. 3 June 2011: Do these jeans make me look fat, No. Does my hair need to be styled, No, it's fine....those are little white lies.
I don't like liars for any reason as it just undermines trust. Talk to her and tell her that you won't be hurt or mad if she does... (read in full...)
Why do I feel bad for him when he is behaving like this?
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years recently he said that his confused and don't know if he still wants to be with me. He said there are days that he missed me and wants to be with me and there are days that he can't even stand to see me. We had ...
A. 3 June 2011: He's a liar, he's cheating, he wants to use you for money, he's a loser. Nine years?
Get an attorney, go through the divorce process as if you have been living together for 7 years you are common law spouses, and they can advise you how to proce... (read in full...)
Isn't it time he told me he loved me?
Q. Dear Cupid, What would you do? Its been 6 months of dating (5 exclusively), we have a wonderful time together whether its hanging out watching movies alone or going on a lovely vacation with friends and family. I'm in my early 50's and he'...
A. 3 June 2011: I think 6 months is a long time to not know where you stand. Are you in an exclusive relationship? Tell him how you feel about him. Ask him what he thinks about you first, then ask him how he feels about you. The answer should be very illumina... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: I just have to say, I just notice that you just met this guy in November, he's 37, never married, a pot smoker and drinks alchohol, a lot of it (or so it seems) and after your very first weekend together, he offers you a drawer and leaves an air of ... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: Relationships seem complex because of the drama of life, but really they aren't because people are people and the relationship is either healthy or not.
I think it is a crock that you both got scared things were working out so well. What happened... (read in full...)
I'm great in bed if I'm not into the girl, but when it comes to a girl I like I'm terrible!
Q. hELLO Everyone.. i have a quite weird problem..its a sex related problem..the thing is when i have sex with a girl that im basically not really attracted to or like a one night stand..my sex performance is just amazing..i last so long and i feel soo...
A. 3 June 2011: Why not try waiting to have sex with a girl you really like and want it to work out. Instead of wooing her in bed, woo her outside of the bedroom for a couple three months. Build the foundation for a true friendship, then when you are quick, she ... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: Why or who forbade you to contact him? Of course you deserve love. You have to be careful to not set yourself up, too. It doesn't sound good for you to puck yet another substance abuser, that's a pattern you have to break. You deserve a real ... (read in full...)
Meeting my long distance boyfriend for the first time, but I'm not looking forward to it! Does this mean I should end the relationship?
Q. I don't know what i feel for him or what i want from this relationship. I have a long distance bf and we are supposed to meet in July for the first time. He's supposed to spend where I live 10 days and we're about to go to a concert together...
A. 3 June 2011: I am concerned that you would develop an emotional relationship with a guy on line period, let alone long distance...and call it a relationship and him a boyfriend and you've never actually met! And you've done this before.
Something is very wro... (read in full...)
Too tight to have sex and the doctor is no help!
Q. Look this might sound stupid but I really need help. I have been trying to have sex for three years. I have a long term partner, everything is good. I am just very very tight! At first I couldnt even get my OWN finger in, let alone a penis, but now ...
A. 3 June 2011: If everything is normal, there is no reason you can't have intercourse unless your partner is too large for you, it does happen.
Or you may have vaginismus, which is an involuntary tightening of the muscles when having sex. Ask a doctor about th... (read in full...)
My phone was stolen, am I right in assuming the person has kept and been through my personal information?
Q. I know this is for relationships, but i'm stressing and having an anxiety attack right now!! I really want some truth because everyone's being nice about what could of happened. Two nights ago i lost my phone in a bar/club, it's not been traced ...
A. 3 June 2011: Bummer you lost your phone...I hope canceled the phone service. Ask your carrier how to track the phone, maybe you could recover it.
It's sad to me that young people are so addicted to their phones, the phone takes on a personality of it's own... (read in full...)
So I'm Single. What can I say to people that bug me about it?
Q. I'm single and have no problem with it, except people (family/friends) constantly ask if I'm dating anyone. Some friends of mine, who are married, asked if I was seeing anyone. When I said no, they then asked jokingly if I was a lesbian. This has ...
A. 3 June 2011: Personally, if someone was rude enough to ask me if I was a lesbian when my answer to the are you dating anyone would be an angry retort, something a long the lines of "no, I'm not a lesbian and if I wanted any sh%t, I'd squeeze your head so shut ... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 3 June 2011: Livelihood refers to the quality of being not just a means for support, or your job. People who are willing to combine finances without the commitment if marriage is like going into business with an unsecured loan, you may get the business off the ... (read in full...)
Should there be "rules" in a relationship in regards to friends of the opposite sex and ex lovers?
Q. View points and opinions please!! Should there be "rules" in a relationship in regards to friends of the opposite sex? In regards to your ex lovers? My boyfriend doesn't want me talking to any men on the phone or by email. I work in a bar so he ...
A. 3 June 2011: I think it is your relationship and the two of you have to make your own rules and set your own boundaries, by that I mean set your own rules for what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.
I think your boyfriend has set his own boun... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 2 June 2011: Google the cohabitors vows on YouTube. That's what I mean by each one of you having a foot out the door. As far as your livelihood at risk, you could be setting yourself up to being used. Obviously, you look down on marriage, and consider ... (read in full...)
Is his reluctance to get married a red flag?
Q. My boyfriend of 3 years tells me he's not ready for marriage. We're both 27. We talk about commitment and how we see ourselves together long-term, but when I bring up marriage, he says he's not ready and doesn't want to discuss it. He's Ame...
A. 2 June 2011: I disagree that he's committed to you. He probably loves you, but he isn't at a point in his life that he feels he can provide for a family. The fact that he refuses to talk about it and tells you not to worry you will find a way to work in US or ... (read in full...)
How can you tell if your boyfriend is cheating?
Q. how can you tell if your boyfriend is cheating? I'd be interested in hearing some realistic ways of finding out if he is. Thanks for reading this...
A. 2 June 2011: Trust your gut, that's how you know. How do you find out? If you ask him, he'll deny it till the cows come home. If he disappears, won't answer his phone when you call, if he takes calls in private. If he lies a lot, if he spends nights out with ... (read in full...)
I don't think there is any future for us, but I am hanging on for our daughter's sake. What should I do?
Q. Hi, I met my boyfriend of almost 2 years online. The first 3 months amazing. I found out i was pregnant shortly after and was so excited. 7 months into my pregnacy i found out he was still online soliciting other women, sending naked pics of ...
A. 2 June 2011: You met a guy on line that you knew Nothing about and you got sexually involved very soon after meeting him, less than three months in. Employers put new employees that look good on paper and in person on a three mo t probation because they have the ... (read in full...)
Why is my fiance acting like this and how do I deal with it?
Q. My fiance tells me he loves me and would never leave me and then turns around and tells me don't be surprised if i don't come home and he say's he is tired of everything, i am so confused and hurt, it's like mind games, i don't know how or what to ...
A. 2 June 2011: He may have very strong traits of narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. Their pattern is to devalue you and verbally and emotionally abuse you with gaslighting and other mind games. Get out, he won't change and the abuse will only get ... (read in full...)
Why does this discharge keep coming back? I take the medication that the doctors give me!
Q. Hi i am a 22yr old female and i've been treating the same vaginal discharge for the past three months,i don't know what wrong it doesn't get better.the doctors call it a yeast infection,candidasis or PVD And i take the medication correctly but it ...
A. 2 June 2011: Go back to the doctor, we can't examine you and the doc expects you to have the common sense to come back if you're not symptom free.... (read in full...)
He has made it clear he doesn't like me, but still takes me out as if it were a date.
Q. I'll try to keep this brief. I'm 18 and this guy is 20. I was "seeing" him back in Sept/Oct/Nov. We used to go to the movies, out to eat, bowling, etc. And so I thought he liked me, if he was willing to take me out and pay each time. So aft...
A. 2 June 2011: The guy didn't call you for two months, he is so not into you that he only messages you. You popped up on his BlackBerry by accident, whatever, he's bored or flattered but still not into you.
Don't pursue this guy and don't answer his texts. ... (read in full...)
Should I email his other girlfriend? He has been seeing both of us at the same time!
Q. Should I or not? I recently came across the email address of my boyfriend's 19 year old girlfriend. For 6 months he had been seeing me all the while seeing her too. I've known about her for 5 months now, she doesn't know about me. She lives an hou...
A. 2 June 2011: You knew he had a long distance girlfriend and you allowed yourself to be used. Now you're pissed she doesn't know he cheated on her. Tell his lying ass that he better come clean with his girlfriend or you'll tell her everything. Watch him sweat, ... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 2 June 2011: Why is a man of this age uprooting himself to get a place with you? Is he working? Why are yo settling for cohabitation if you are a fully committed couple? Why have two feet out the door and put your livelihood at risk for a right now? Why not ... (read in full...)
He doesn't want to marry me because I never let him win??
Q. I'm in shock and lost for words right now. My boyfriend/fiance of about 6 years off and on finally told me last night that the reason he has been so hesitant on marrying me is because he has worked his whole life on his business, and if he ever got ...
A. 9 March 2011: I think he said it very poorly in a hurtful way, so I understand how you are feeling, but I don't think he really wants to lose you, I think he wants you to reassure him. If you are not in it for the money, then ask him about signing a prenup... (read in full...)
My b/f knows I'm falling for my boss. Should I tell my boss?
Q. Ok so I am 19 years old and currently married to my partner whom I love but I have started to fall for my boss who is 20 years older than me and he has a girlfriend I am really upset about all of this i do not want to hurt my partner.. He already ...
A. 9 March 2011: I don't think you sound rational at all, something deeper is going on with you, perhaps fear of intimacy, and you lack a respect for other's boundaries. Your boss is too old for you, he is in a position of power and if you tell him you are fall... (read in full...)
Boyfriend broke up then texted me saying "I hope you get over me soon"
Q. Why did my ex boyfriend text me this? please help? ? ? ? My boyfriend of 5months suddenly tells me he doesn't want a relationship cos he got so used to the single life before we got together and he might cheat on me if we stay together, he doesn...
A. 9 March 2011: In only 5 months you took a break three times, and he is admitting to you he is afraid he can't be faithful, well the breaks were so he could screw someone else, it's the oldest trick in the book. This guy is a total douchebag, and wouldn't kno... (read in full...)
Cheating lying boyfriend..how to handle this planned trip?
Q. So, I found out my boyfriend of 6yrs who has cheated before had cheated with a girl over a year ago tells me that it happened a while ago and it was during the time we were having problems..and that he is so sorry! I have finally come to my senses ...
A. 9 March 2011: I think you know in your gut that he is untrustworthy and a liar, most likely a user too. Why in the world are you with the same guy after six years without getting married? It doesn't take that long for him to decide you are the ONE, my guess is ... (read in full...)
I dated a jerk and my friends still think he is the best guy in the world...
Q. I think the guy I went out with was a sociopath: His whole life was a lie. Everyone believed it. It was the worst experience I have gone through. The first year of the relationship was fine. Then all of a sudden this guy turned into a monster. ...
A. 9 March 2011: I would suggest that you learn more about psychopaths, and why they are able to win you over. There are going to be people who support the psychopath, some of them are just like him, and others are just taken in by the charm and manipulation. ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend doesn't like it that I masturbate but won't have sex with him
Q. Hey everyone reading this. I'm 17 and I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. Per my request, we don't have sex - which my boyfriend is fine with (most of the time). Like any other teenager out there, I masturbate. I assumed that m...
A. 26 February 2011: I don't think 2 years is a long time not to have sex with a boy, that's right a boy when you are still in you teens. Obviously, you want to wait until you are ready to be married, or for very sane reasons are prepared to take care of a child finan... (read in full...)
Dear Creepy Ex, Thanks but no thanks.
Q. Ok so, my ex (not the classiest fellow at the best of times) just sent me a picture of his junk on facebook, with the message, "miss me?". This definitely seals my decision NOT to get back together with him. I thought of replying and kind of calli...
A. 25 February 2011: What a tool. Ignore or send him a photo of a really tiny violin or a magnifying glass and a peanut next to it. But if he's too dumb just forget it.... (read in full...)
I love my friends, but all they talk about is sex! How do I tell them I think they are being crude? Or should I say nothing?
Q. I have a great group of friends ranging in age from 13 to 17. I'm almost 15, so I'm in the middle, age-wise. Well what's upsetting me is that my friends are funny and great, and I love them, but every other topic is sex! Like threesom...
A. 25 February 2011: Your friends aren't funny or great. Talking about orgies and threesomes is juvenile delinquent behavior crude and rude and worse disordered. You say you're nit religious like you want to be too cool for school, but your so called friends are punks ... (read in full...)
I cant see a way out of this fog so would really appreciate if someone, somewhere can pull me out of it!
Q. Hello Cupids :) This is complicated so thank you in advance to those who get to the end! I've been with my boyfriend just over a year now, I am 24, he is 31 and I really should feel lucky to be with him, but instead I am ruining this relationshi...
A. 24 February 2011: You were with a pathological man for four years a guy with a low empathy low conscience personality disorder of the character which is permanent and unchanging. You made a good decision to leave him. Problem is you didn't do any real emotiona... (read in full...)
Should I keep contact with my emotionally abusive ex?
Q. Can someone please give me advice on whether or not to keep in touch with my ex? We dated for 5 years he is 30 i am 25. Most say it was emotionally abusive from his part(calling me fat, no good, yelling) et but there were good times. He ended the ...
A. 24 February 2011: He will not change more than likely he has a low conscience low empathy personality disorder which scientific research has shown is permanent. He has low character..he's toxic to you and abusive. Men like this use manipulation and brain washing ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend cheated and now says he can't get over her!
Q. My boyfriend of three years cheated on me for two months. We agreed to stay together after I found out on the condition that he is not to have any contact with her again. Since then, he's broken up with me four times, telling me that he can't get ...
A. 23 February 2011: Your boyfriend is breaking up with you. Why would you want to be back together with a guy who keeps jerking you around? You can't fix this you can't control him or "convince" him not to see her and stay with you. It doesn't work that way. Kick ... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 22 February 2011: Wow, that's a lot of big dogs, the pit bull would make me phobic, too.... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man gives you a drawer?
Q. I have a man I'm seeing long distance. We started this relationship in early November We are two hours apart... we email and talk on the phone a few times a week... I go to visit him since he cannot be around my dogs. I have been up to see h...
A. 22 February 2011: His line is kind of cheezy, instead of playing along with his vailed attempt at making a "commitment" by giving you a drawer for your stuff, why did you not ask him to say what he means and mean what he says as you are both old enough to do that.
... (read in full...)
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