A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my girlfriend just recently broke up with me.we were together for 9 yrs and we have three girls.the reason for the break up was that when she was working she started talking to a guy who worked at the same place.and other people that worked with her would tell me that they were messing around you know how that goes.so started to ask her what was going on and she told me nothing ther jus frens..we started to argue more and more for the past 6 months we would break up and it will last a week then we get back together.but this time its been about a month and half that we haven't been together..she told me that i was always acusing her of that guy and she wanted me to leave..so i did..about a week later she started to meet this guy and now they always txt and they meet quit often..the guy she is seeing has no kids..since we been brokein up she still comes around and helps me out.i sometimes go to her place and hang out with her and our kids we still go places and do things but were not together..since the break up we slept together 2 times first time she told me she wanted to make love to me one last time so it happened we were a little drunk when it happened..the sconed time i made the first move and it happend..sometimes when im with her i give her a back rub or i rub legs when we together i always did this for her its jus a habit..she don't mind at all she don't pull away every now and then i try to hold her but she tells don't..we talk a little about our relationship but sometimes it leads to an arguement..she hasn't told her family anything about whats going on with us they think that were still together and we still and hang out with her family..i told she needs to tell her parents that were not together and that shes seeing someone else..she jus say yea i will..i been hang out with them because of my kids i don't want them to get hurt and she said the same thing..about a week ago she picked me up and we went back to her place i thought she was gona take me home that night but ended up staying ther with them for about a week and half..we didn't do anything when i was ther we didn't talk about how things were..then jus before she was ready to bring me back to my place we had a little talk she told me that she let me stay so that our kids can be happy it was for them..being ther was very crazy cause she would constantly txt this new guy..she told me that she didn't want to be with me rite now..the kids are hurt but i do what ever i can to make them happy.she recently lost her job about 2 days ago..so now shes been seeing this guy quite a bit i feel that ther getting pretty close..and the other day i hung out with them we got into a small arguement and she texted me that night and told me she need time and to not bother her..so i haven't did anything..the other day when were togethr we were driving and she started to cry i tryed to ask her wat was wrong.but she didn't want to say..before bout a 2 weeks after we broke we were talking and i told her how i felt i told her that i loved her and missed her she started to cry and thats when she told me that she didn't want to be with me rite now..i've told her that i want her back but really don't say much she kinda gets mad i think i might be pushing her closer to this guy by me telling her that..its been hard for me i can't jus let her go cause we have kids and when we were together we do alot with our girls..i really want her back..but its hard to get threw to her cause she has this new guy all in her head what could i do to get her back or is it really over for good..when had that arguement she told that she was happy to not be with me she said she felt free and that shes been trying to get away from me for awhile i don't know if thats true..we had a good relationship we wer pretty close till this new guy came along then it jus went down hill..is it really that easy for someone to mave on that fast..could she still love and care bout me..i really need some info and i want to know if i should try to gey her back or is it really the end..i miss here alot and my kids..i haven't herd from them for bout 3 days..help me or give me some advice if someone is going threw the same thing tell me u did im jus so confused...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
 I am so very sorry that you have had to suffer persistent dishonesty by your girlfriend.
In fact your girlfriend cannot even be honest with her own family.
And she must currently be carrying around a huge amount of guilt.
If she wants to come back then you need to set some standards and establish some boundaries. Even then she may feel that she has messed up so badly that she can never come back. AND she has messed up very badly. She has completely disrespected her Primary relationship with you.
She is feeling some shame and regret at what she has done. hence the tears. But be careful she does not manipulate you as she has manipulated this whole situation.
I do not think the relationship with the new guy will last.
But do not just take her back without some standards being agreed to first. She cheated on you and disrespected you just because she thinks she can. And,sadly,if she does not recognise how nasty this is, then she may do this to you or any other guy, again.
If she can get her own act together and agree to some changes that she needs to make, then maybe???
But do not just take her back with the hope that she will change. She will not change unless she is aware that there are consequences for every action we take.
What she has done to you is disgraceful.
So far you have been kind and forgiving. Maybe too forgiving?
Maybe it is time the two of you sought some couples counselling and under controlled conditions you can tell her how you really feel about what has happened.
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