A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!! Long story short- Myself and my boyfriend broke up 2 months ago to the day as life just seemed to be against us basically; due to other commitments we didn't get to spend enough time together. Mainly on his part- his long working hours. We got into a big argument as we weren't going to have a decent amount of time spent together for around three weeks, we met up the next day and decided it would be best to break up.After two weeks of attempting to be friends, we had another argument as I told him I thought it'd be worth working through and getting back together and he said he didnt want to string me along whilst I could put 100% into the relationship and he couldnt, him basically having next to no spare time. He said that because of our initial argument it was obvious I wasnt happy with him and that none of it wasnt fair on me that he couldn't give me the commitment I wanted. This could not be further from the truth - we may have not got as much time together as i'd have liked, and yes it did sometimes cause arguments but the good times definitely outweighed the bad, i loved him and always looked forward to seeing him and we always had a good time together. So after this discussion i told him that if we couldnt be together i had to remove him from my life for a while in order to move on (I have done the "just friends" thing before and it didn't turn out great). He text me a wek or so later but I stuck to my guns and said I needed more space from him and didnt think we should be talking yet. He respected my decision as I didn't hear from him after that.**fast forward a couple of months**Last week, we saw each other for the first time since breaking up. We were waiting outside a gig. I was talking to a few of our mutual friends who were guys (pretended not to see him as i was abit nervous about what would happen) but i noticed him out of the corner of my eye staring. It didnt take him long to come over- he sounded EXTREMELY nervous and asked me if i'd had a good holiday (as id just returned from one). I don't recall talking to him about my holiday ever since like january when i booked it, ad i have removed him as a friend on facebook so it's obvious he's been looking on the facebook pages of my friends.After the gig, I was wih a group of guys who are my friends and i noticed him starig at me again. I pretended not to notice him.A week later, I went to a club and bumped into a load of his friends. THey all asked me how I was doing since the break up and all said it was his loss for not wanting to work through it. Me and my friend went to sit outside at one point to get some air, at which point his best friend came over to me and starte going on about how much my ex was crapping himself about trying to talk to me at the gig and saying how he still really likes me but that when we broke up he honestly felt that he's not in the position to be in a relationship with anyone. He also said my ex is gutted that I don't want to be friends with him and that it's clear he really cares about me.Half an hour later, my ex turned up at the club.We didn't really speak- we said hi everytime we passed each other- and this is NO exaggeration, he was watching me dancing the whole night. I was trying to act happy and show him that I was having a good time as I didnt want him to just remember me as the emotional wreck he saw when we broke up. I was hanging with my friend, her brother and his mates and he also did a lot of glaring at them (my friend noticed this too). He obviously didnt realise how obvious it was. At the end, I gave him a big hug (i think it took him by surprise as we hadnt really spoke, i just kinda tapped him on the shoulder and did it) but he hugged me back really tightly and asked if i was alright. I said that I was, then he said that he was. Then outside the club, he came over to say bye to me and my friend (after doing some more staring)Basically what I'm asking, are the signs there that he still likes me? And am I handling this situation well? I really want to get back with him, I don't want to seem selfish but if we aren't gonna get back together I just can't stay friends as I know I will just end up getting even more hurt (I was so devastated about this break up). And I know I said we shouldnt be speaking yet but I really want to talk to him, and as he was the one who said we couldnt work through the issues I feel like he should be the one coming to me :(I just want him back basically. I don't know what to do.It's been 3 days since we saw each other at he club; do you think he will contact me? I'm trying not to be stupid and naive about all this
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 July 2012):
hi,
Sadly i think he is being rude by not responding about your CD
I think a letter by snail mail where you ask him to please return the CD.
However the CD may be lost forever. If he can't return your CD like an honorable gentleman then he is certainly not enough of a gentleman for you.
I hope he responds politely, eventually
Best wishes
Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni decided to just text him as due to his crap work hours we have always found this the most reliable way to contact each other. i texted him last night. it is now almost 24 hours later and no response :( i was nice, i said about seeing him at the gig and politely explained that i want my cd back. is he just giving it a bit more time before he replies? :( i'm so down
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (23 July 2012):
this is really difficult, is it not, when so much is riding on the outcome.
It is easy to just delete a text and think nothing of it, because it's impersonal. You don't see or hear the emotion in his face or his voice. and he does not see and hear the emotion in you. You can still text if you want, but you lose a lot of
impact by texting.
Phoning him up is terrifying, I suspect, for you. He is going to hear the tremor in your voice. You are going to be terrified that it might be an inconvenient time. Or he might react in a way that you don't want. you could even practise in front of the mirror until you feel strong enough to try this. Even then it is a single chance with you shaking in your boots. Emotionally this one is a tough ask but potentially, hearing your voice, may soften him.
Is it feasible that you could just happen to accidentally just happen to be in the same place at the same time and just happen to say hi? Face to face you still have a lot to lose, but at least you get all the benefits of see, hear, smell (you with hair freshly washed etc) etc etc. And say hi, and mention your cd?
Yes you still could text him, but he could then just as easily post you cd to you and not reply to you. Then what would you do?
Or, you could send him a humorous card. 'missing you' and 'still grieving' but that you know the 'cure'. It's listening to the cd. The one he has. Ask if perhaps he could please drop by with the cd 'same place as before' and that 'maybe we could listen to it together?'
It is still reaching out to him from a distance. But a fun card does inject a bit of fun into the equation. And maybe give him a chance to decide?
Good luck with this
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm just terrified of contacting him that's all :( like, i KNOW he still likes me, but I think due to the reasons we broke up, getting back together is a completely different matter :( i really don't know what to do.
He really wants to be friends with me but I am still completely head over heels for him so being just friends would hurt me in the long run. I told him this, and he knows I wanted to get back together so surely if he wanted to give it another shot he'd let me know? :(
He still has one of my cds that I left in his car. He did know this but I haven't yet had it back. I was thinking of texting him asking to drop it by / if i can come collect it but i'm so scared of doing this and being really disapointed if nothing comes of it.
I miss him so much :( please help
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Lots of couples do enjoy loving successful happy relationships even thought they do have to cope with period apart.
He clearly want to be back with you.
You clearly want him to be back with you.
Swallow your pride and make the first move. But you will need to agree to compromise from time to time.
How does he build any career without putting in the work to build his career?
And once you get back together (or even before) rationalise what you can each give up to provide you both with some more time. Facebook for one thing. If neither of you spend time that then you will have more time for each other.
Clubbing a lot is another. If you ration how often you go out clubbing you will be able to find the time for each other.
Some compromises and swalling a little of your pride and you and he could have the start of a beautiful relationship.
Be honest with him. Don't make out you are not noticing him when you are.
Don't conduct the relationship through friends.
If you have anything to say to each other then say it face to face to each other.
And if you have to disagree then ONLy discuss the one problem and the one time. Do not fight 'dirty' by introducing the past or all manner of things into a fight when really you were only upset at the start about issue ABC. Arguments often escalate when people bring in everything except the kitchen sink. When really the problme initially was only about ABC. So if you diagree fight fair and clean and don't muddy the issue with anything else.
Good luck with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): I don't think he will contact you, because you have basically told him not to. so the thing is at this point if you really want the lines of communication open again, you are going to have to be the one to contact him. Yes I think he still likes you and genuinely cares. At this point though he is respecting what you said, so if you want to take the risk you will have to open the lines of communication yourself. I don't understand why anyone wants to play games of "I feel like he should be the one to contact me", if both of you think that way about the other, no-one will make the move and you will have no chance of getting together or making it work.
I do however suggest that you think long and hard about whether you want to take the risk in trying to get back together. Is his work load still the same? Does he still ahve limited time to spend with you? Can you live with knowing that you won't be able to see him as much as you would like? If it is still going to be a problem for you not getting to spend as much time with him as you would like, then it won't work out again and you will be left even more devastated. So think about it first, and decide if you truly want to take the risk, because every relationship is a risk. Good Luck
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