A
female
age
51-59,
Abella
writes:You can rebuild your life after some very close has died. But you need to do it at your pace. It certainly made me face life without rose colored glasses. And it opened my eyes to the fact that some people do not have honorable intentions. I am lucky that i have friends who have known me from as early as 4 years old and another friend i have known since i was 8. I married young to a man i loved completely. So i consider myself very lucky that i was able to 'click' perfectly with a second man who also loves me. But that took some time and a steep learning curve to get to that point.For that reason i am sharing some insights on how i coped and rebuilt my life after my first husband's death.I also realise that i am lucky. Because i have never had depression and never had any psychiatric disorder. Perhaps that made it easier for me.But trust me, no one has an easy time recovering inner peace after someone you loved has died in this way. You have just been told someone very very close to you, who you love very much, has died and it looks like suicide. In my case the Police arrived mid morning on a very cold day and our baby and I had been sitting on a rug on the floor, together, with toy blocks stacked in the middle. That day and everything about it is still etched in my brain, even today. One never fully gets over a suicide, but one can try.Or maybe you found the body and called 911. That would be very devastating. The Police will arrive. The ambulance will take the body to the Morgue. The Coroner will do an autopsy, so initially the cause of death will not be put on the interim death certificate until the Coroner has finished his deliberations. People will have to be told. A funeral will have to be arranged. In our case due to my parents in law's total devastation and at their request we chose a private funeral and kept it private to give us some time to compose ourselves. And at the time my father in law felt very hurt that some 'friends' had distanced themselves after realising his son had schitzophrenia. It's not something you can catch like meases. The funeral director was a bit pushy. I would not use him again. I felt very rushed. And he made decisions that in hindsight i should have been more proactive. And insisted on more input. But it was the first funeral i had been involved in. But one learns.But at the time i was in a daze of grief.Now, in hindsight, I know you can take control of the situation. It does not have to be a funeral like everyone elses. Those who are left make the rules, unless the deceased has already explained, planned and paid for what they want in a funeral, before they pass away.Funerals are expensive. Fortunately paying for the funeral was not a concern of mine. But i do know that it can be a concern for some families. If you do not know the value of the estate of the person who has died then involve the Executor of the estate immediately. Otherwise if the deceased is poor the Funeral Director will expect the person who arranged the funeral to also pay for it. The Executor is the person who will administer the estate left by the deceased after their death. The first account the Executor must pay is the funeral account. If the deceased left no Will then the name of the role changes to the Administrator of the intestate estate. The Executor will pay for the funeral out of the estate funds. So if you are in any doubt about whether you personally can pay for the funeral phone the Executor in front of the Funeral director get Authority to spend a certain amount, then let the Funeral Director speak direct with the Executor to confirm that the bill goes to the Executor to pay out of the estate funds, not your pocket. We played his favorite music and had his favorite color for the flowers. And we each cut 2inches series of strands from his mother, father, wife and child's hair. Tied it with red ribbon and sealed it in a small crystal lidded box. That was tucked beside him in the coffin. We chose an open casket so we could say goodbye one last time. My mother in law asked that the baby not attend the funeral. I agreed to that, but regretted agreeing to it, later.Straight after the funeral you are super sensitive to everything. You are almost in limbo. But little things, a word, a look can hurt you so much. I have been to several funerals since and i sincerely appreciate that the one we arranged was a private funeral. Some people may better suit a more roudy celebratory funeral. Funerals can bring out the worst in people. I have been to one, to support a friend, which was literally cruel and unkind, as two branches of the family were obviously at war. It was undignified to score points at people, airing hatreds at a funeral. But the point is to choose what is right for the living, while respecting the deceased and what the deceased would have liked.After the funeral vultures will start circling. Three people asked me for loans, on expectation that i was vulnerable and so easy to ask. My thought was, No thanks and 'neither a lender nor a borrower be'. I knew none of them would ever pay me back. And it's exploititive to ask a newly widowed woman for a loan. What i should have done is just made out i didn't hear the request. But i said 'no' and was treated like i was the one in the wrong for saying no.One person tried to sell me a business that was not viable. At first i could not understand why suddenly they had tried to become my 'new best friends'. But the penny dropped when he brought out all the paperwork for me to sign. I declined. No thanksSome people wanted me to sell my place to them for a song. No thanks. One distant relative (male in his 80s) suggested i come and keep house he and his younger brother for him in the country. No thanks.If you are to achieve as a widow you need discipline and gumption.You need a written plan to keep you on track to meet your goals.Be alert, stand up for yourself. People just being curious do not have a 'right to know' how your beloved died.Learn to say 'no' and mean it.People just out of curiosity wanting you to detail what you own and what you are worth financially have no right to that information unless they are IRS or unless they are your Bank Manager. It is none of their business.You do have rights. When my husband died, and i was still grieving for a long time after. Even though i had cared for the baby 99% of the time (Trusted responsible neighbor did the caring while i was at funeral), or occasionally i did a little local shopping for essentials, in NO way was i a party animal. Yet despite that - in the next 3 months three different older male neighbors, all married, either visited me when i was outside gardening, or knocked on my door offering to 'help me get over it'. One tried to tell me 'you're young dear, he's been dead 2 months dear, you can't go on this long without it' All three were rebuffed, of course. I grieved deeply for 12 months, then the intensity of your grief wanes. But you never forget the one you loved. And in that time i started quilt making to take my mind off my loss and so better care for our child.In the second 12 months I also joined some groups that met regularly and were interested in activities i enjoy or wanted to learn more about.I started reading again.And we did a little interstate travel. Nice places but not huge big cities. Travelling with a very young and cute child in the second 12 months was a great experience and people were very helpful. Mostly child friendly places, a Zoo, parks and in bed early each night. Yet you have to remain alert. Because sometimes no where is entirely safe for a young widow with a child. In one very nice city hotel one employee make it very clear with a wink that i could 'call him for anything , anything, any time, after the baby is asleep'No thanks. I propped a chair against the door and left that hotel the next morning.In the following 12 months after that several friends tried to match me up with guys they thought suitable. But all such dates/outings were a disaster for me. Perhaps i was not ready, but i hated the whole dating scene. And i detested the over eager fawning big smiles and the obvious intent to want 'sex first' instead of any real caring evident.So i let everyone know i was going back to Uni. Which i did. More studies to better equip me. Then part time work so i could still be there for our child.Slowly i built my career. Never expecting to remarry. And extended my hours at work. Took part in school activities when possible.Only one thing missing, i really had wanted more children, but felt i had to be content.Then i got an invitation to an event. There would be people i knew and who knew my husband. I'd lost track of most of them. But i made the effort. And i surveyed the crowd and felt safe as it looked like it was all married couples (see above=at the time i'd decided to retire from dating!) so i knew i could just relax. Then one late arrival. Very dashing, very athletic and tall, and 5 years older than i. Though i did not recogise him at first as he was 21 when i last saw him when i was a mid teenager at the time. I had never been out with him. He was the brother of the girl who organised the reunion.He made straight for me. I surmised he just wanted to talk to some of the husbands in the group I was with. And i was about to mingle but he planted himself right next to me. He gallantly later said he had headed for the most attractive girl he could see (such lies from one's man are forgiveable)I felt like i had been struck by lightening. He was so dashing, electric. And he could talk much more than me.He was smart and so interesting and everyone liked him.Now years later i cherish that i went to that reunion. My face and his face still light up on greeting each other. I still adore and love him. He has an amazing business brain. He sizes things up very quickly. He treats me wonderfully in all respects.So there can be light at the end of the tunnel. And you do recover all your positive outlook and more as you go forth into the world with confidence.When one loses a loved family member to suicide it often leaves behind far more problems and pieces to pick up than if the person had received the right treatment to get them through the abyss they have sunk into.A person's heart that is not working right will cause a person problems. It's an organ in the person's body, as is the lungs, liver etcA brain is just another organ in the body and it can get sick too.Having a brain that is not working properly is not the person's fault either.Nor is it the fault of any other person in that person's life either.But the person does need to see a doctor. Often they fear hospitals and doctors and psychiatrists and psychologists and nurses. And i am not surprised, because while the community can lack empathy to these illnesses, so can some people in the medical profession, as can family.Often the ill person is incapable of making rational decisions about their treatment. And family are in shock, but want to do the right thing. This is where the ill person needs a trusted, respectful but firm, strong minded person to stand up for and support the ill person with dignity in the face of doctors who are too quick to judge a person as not as sick as the family perceives is the case. I was too young to know that back when my husband was ill. But i know it now. I would have been more proactive, taken notes and asked more questions.One in every four persons in the world will at some stage in their lives need Medical/psychiatric or psychological support (but may choose not to get this support with devastating consequences) for an illness emanating from their brain that is not working properly. So it's not rare, it's common but it's often hushed up. So this is about surviving it and going on to greater things.Suicide is usually preceded by the person having depression or a more serious psychiatric illness. In my case my love had been fine at school, but in his first year at University he developed schitzophrenia. What followed was lots of treatment but he got better and his lecturers assured him that he should return to Uni. He was pessimistic about his future. He thought i should find someone he called 'normal' but i stood by him. He recovered from that and went back to Uni and it happened again the next year.More time off Uni and an attempted attempted suicide. He said a happy positive person like i am should not have to put up with his pessimism. But then followed a period of bliss. His Doctor even said his medication could be reduced and his visits cut back to just 6 month checkups. We went on a holiday. He interacted with everyone as if he was free of the schitzophrenia. He was relieved. I naively thought he was cured. We married and nine months later our child was born. All should have been wonderful. But one month before the birth he said he was 'not yet ready to be a father'. His parents were wonderful. We could all see the signs and that day we got an urgent appointment with his psychiatrist who implied the problem had not returned, he was just a little overwhelmed at the prospect of fatherhood. He was though in my view very sick. The night before our baby was christened he tried suicide again. But the psychiatrist and the second opinion specialist who saw him said he was nor 'serious' as he loved his wife and his child so much and wasn't 'that sick'. Then another period of bliss occured. But one morning he kissed us 'bye' as normal drove off as normal, (but forgot to wave) as normal. Ninety minutes later the Police arrived to tell us he had died in tragic circumstances, that appeared to be suicide. From that day on i had to support our child while coping with my grief. But survive you can, as demonstrated above.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 September 2012):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the question I am sending this article to a truly Dear friend today who I know is grieving today. Suicide leaves such a cruel legacy for those left behind.
Today I feel my wonderful Dear friend might benefit from this article.
If you are suffering, having lost a loved one to suicide, grieving at the loss of a loved one, then please reach out for help and support. You deserve such support. You truly need such good support.
Please reach out - be it to someone who you know can give you really good support. Or to a loved one who will give you support.
Or to a Professional, a counsellor, a Doctor, someone you trust who knows how to truly listen to you and knows how to give you the BEST support.
or try:
befrienders.org
samaritans.org
or another local support group that offers Free listening when you need to talk things through
My Good Wishes to all who read this
Regards
Abella
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (1 June 2012):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Maverick494 for your very understanding feedback. I truly appreciate your comments. Your post made me very reflectful. And that was, originally all I was going to say. But you inspired me to say more.
Interesting that you observed such similar circumstances.
Since my first husband passed away I have become aware of families experiencing the same, where no one suspected the intention of their loved one. Or where over-worked (and often under stress themselves) support workers, nurses, counsellors, doctors, volunteers and family may have discounted the threat.
Nowadays so often the bean-counters allocate scarce resources to meet unlimited wants.
And mental health is one area where government officials and legislators seem so distanced from the real needs of the population in need of more government supported programs and resources to support more counselling and more support for the depressed.
And if bean-counters, legislators and even the media and the population were better informed about the true cost of suicide then perhaps more resources for mental health could become a reality.
Because I feel that often the bean-counters, legislators etc really do not understood how much time and effort is really required to identify, monitor and give intensive support for seriously depressed people. If they did understand then they would vote more funds, not less for mental health.
The reason being that every suicide touches and saddens multiple people AFTER they lose a loved one.
The deep hurt and feelings of 'if only' can result (in those left behind to pick up the pieces) in years of questioning themselves.
Which is why those left behind often would benefit from counselling. There is no shame in calling in a professional for some short term support. Good friends and others touched by the experience and able to give support also become very important in the healing process.
My wish now is that anyone who thinks there is no hope to PLEASE reach out for support. No matter what great challenges a person is facing there is someone somewhere who would want to offer support. And there are some Great support free services, like the online Befrienders counsellors, throughout the world, for those people who need support right now.
Because 'leaving' too early is a flawed decision and one does wish every one of those people could look into a crystal ball and see the good experiences that will happen in the future, but they will only be able to enjoy that happiness.
If they can 'stay' here and reach out for greater support, then there is the potential to enjoy more positive happier times in the future.
I really admire the thousands of nurses, counsellors and professional medical staff, plus great volunteers in other free support services throughout the world, who dedicate their lives to trying to support seriously depressed people.
And often the nurses, professional medical personnel and social workers are faced with even more need to provide additional support for those left behind, trying to cope with and make some sense of the deep hurt caused by the suicide of a loved one.
I can look back now and be very thankful that I was able to get through it. But I know for some it affects them for decades afterwards.
Hearing their stories has made me more passionate about wanting people to reach out for support earlier, rather than suffering in silence.
Thank you again for your insightful comments.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 May 2012):
Thank you for your insightful article. I applaud you for the way you have dealt with this tragic event and rebuilt your life. You truly are a woman to admire, Abella.
This article has been helpful for me personally, as I've been friends with someone for about half a year now and he told me recently (when it would have been their wedding anniversary) that he lost his wife to suicide 5 years ago. She suffered from severe depression which was underestimated by doctors. Like you, he also suspected she was at a very low point, but the doctors simply downplayed it and let her continue on. On the day it happened she actually seemed upbeat so when he came back and found her (she hung herself) he was very shocked because he thought she might be getting better.
Since situations like these are (fortunately) unknown territory for me I was very careful (and limited the amount of) my responses, as I did not wish to say something I could (unintentionally) offend or hurt him with. On the day he told me he seemed like he really needed someone to talk to, so I chose to simply listen without pressing on, so he could tell it at his own pace. I think that was the right way to go about it. This article helped me gain insight in his experiences without having to ask him and I hope I can use this knowledge to be a better friend, for some of the things you mention never occurred to me.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 December 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous123 the feeling is mutual.
I know what a wonderful contribution you make to Dear Cupid too. Your really great advice is clearly appreciated by so many.
Best Wishes
Abella
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Hi Abella,
As usual, I am in awe of you!
I think we are all extremely lucky to have you here, among us (especially me...you are my guardian angel!! ), and I just wish and pray for a lifetime of happiness, joy and health for you and your family. Your husband is a very lucky man and your children are blessed to have you in their lives.
Life has been so difficult, yet (to quote one of my favourite writers), you have been like a rock in the riverbed, enduring without complaint, your grace not sullied but *shaped* by the turbulence that has washed over you.
Thank you for this inspiring article. Wish there were more such strong, amazing people like you!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 December 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Tisha, for you are amongst the wise people I refer to, when I think of inspiring wise people, who I have inspired me with their wisdom, logic and good commonsense.
Such people include two long term friends, a Nun, and of course my great mentor being my first mother in law who has related to me and treated me as a daughter. I enjoying adding to there list, there can never be too many wise people in the world
Regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 December 2011):
 Thank you Abella, for this very wonderful article and your heart-felt and amazing followup. With much respect and hugs.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 December 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChristmas can be a tough time, for some. Especially the elderly, those far from home, those who have just split with a partner, or just suffered a tragic experience.
Remembering who is not around to share this time with you. The media feed you images and stories that everyone is playing 'happy families' and this is not true.
And financial pressures can mean you can never afford the media portrayed 'happy families' ideal. But to me it is a created fantasy and very unreal because to those who have less, or have
unkind family situations then they start to wonder what they did to miss out on all the fun.
When it was just the two of us - mother and child, and the first Christmas alone - i went out to find pine cones, sprayed and decorated them. Then I brought inside a pot plant and decorated it. And made paper lanterns from to decorate things. And made a new Chrismas door decorartion using things I sprayed and added a big bow.
Presents were limited. But i bought myself a pile of magazines to read later.
And kept the meal to manageable proportions since it was only the two of us.
Friends had asked us to join them for the mid-day and then evening meal on Christmas day.
I chose only to share an evening celebration with them. Because I wanted the time to open presents. Have rest after a busy morning, and then go play again, with presents, and know that life could go on, even if my child's Daddy and my husband had gone.
I even had some presents I had purchased earlier for him, and we decided to donate those to a tree collection of presents. We labelled that they were for a young man 25. Hoping they would be appreciated, since the intended recipient did not need them anymore.
If you are facing Christmas for the first time without your loved one, and you do find yourself unwilling to see others, then do at least do some nice things for you.
Wrap up a present for you.
Volunteer to serve Christmas dinner to the homeless - such dinners are organized by Charities and your help Will be appreciated.
Schedule time to have a nice relaxing scented bath
Get a logic puzzle or a sudoko puzzle book.
Start writing the novel you always intended to write
Do make yourself a Christmas inspired meal, right down to a dessert you like, be it a mini Christmas pudding right through to a fruit inspired healthy alternative. Even if you have to use frozen strawberries and raspberries - they make a lovely combination with a dusting of fine sugar, and left to come to room temperature and then add a dollop of cream fraiche.
And if you don't fancy a walk outside, or a sport of your choice, do consider doing something physical. Wii are fun if you can afford to buy one for Christmas. But then cleaning out a linen cupboard and making it tidier can also feel good.
Or write a happy letter to a friend reviewing the things that DID go well in the preceding year and wish the friend a happy new year, such a letter means a lot.
Or write out a personal motivtion board for yourself detailing five important things you want to achieve in the coming year.
But don't spend over-board
Try to make healthy choices
And what ever you do, be kind to you.
Because you know you DO deserve kindness.
And whatever you do realise that the suicide of another is Not your fault. A person who considers and acts on this is not well. They often do not understand how much hurt it causes others.
They often make the decision based on flawed logic because they are so ill.
If compromised liver or lungs or heart do not work as they should then just as logically a compromised brain needs a DOCTOR to help. A DOCTOR is the one who can recognise the problem and know how to treat the problem.
But you are NOT to blame for the problem.
So Forgive you for all the pain inside at losing a loved one is understandble.
However life does go on as long as you recognise that you did your best.
You cannot change the past. but you can work on ways to best support you, so that at least you do get to enjoy more of all the wonderful things in this world that you are yet to enjoy.
And all the GOOD people who exist in this world (amongst the 7 billion) - who you have yet to meet.
I wish you well
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 December 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Jonas
No I don't believe in retribution nor in Karma.
Because if I did I would have to conclude that the 'plan' was cruel.
And I don't believe in 'everything happens for a reason' for that too would lead me to question what 'reason' could there ever be, to inflict great pain on a defenceless innocent child? Or great
sadness and betrayal beyond belief (but true) on a frail, sick and elderly person who never did harm?
And I can't believe that things are 'meant to be like that, for some reason to come later to explain it all.
What I do believe in is this:
That change is inevitable all the days of our lives - sometimes those changes are for the better.
To give my own strength I believe in ooodles of love, kindness, acceptance, compassion, understanding.
But even then one cannot predict the future.
That is where I allow myself to believe in the Chaos Theory. This theory sits well as the logic of things. So I encourage them to read a lot, play logic puzzles, talk over any problems at the kitchen table. I even get beaten at poleconomy now.
But one false move by a drunk driver - and Chaos could result.
And i see newspaper reports of unkind cruel criminal people go through the courts. They still seem to have (some of them), more wealth, more honors, more pleasure than far more deserving people.
only the chaos theory - that we cannot predict how things will pan out - seems to fit the reality of the world i live in. But we can still aim to be the best it is possible. We may not always be right, but at least we can try to honor our own values at all times. And try to act honorably, with kindness and compasion to others. And do no harm.
That change will happen, whether we resist it or not. Resisting it is so much harder.
That we should never stay silent where we see an injustice, and where we can make a positive difference. But an indirect approach is often better - I cannot address all the ills in the world. But I can see what is possible and even suggest some options, where I think it might help.
regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 December 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Jonas,
I feel terrible that I did not respond earlier. The first time started to read your response and the second one I was so over-whelmed that one family could have to face so much. And I had to go back twice before I finished reading the first time. Life can be so unfair, much more unfair to some.
And even when I read it again, trying to work out the best most appropriate response, again I fel so very very sad that you have had to endure far far more than your fair share of terrible sadness,
And your posts needed thinking time to respond as there was so much there. Even now as I read them again, I was almost overwhelmed again (and I am only reading) so I knew such events face to face would be truly huge to deal with.
And I knew you deserved a very well thought out response.
However I should have responded earlier to your incredible post. I recall when I first started reading your first and your follow up that I felt great sadness that all those people went through so much, that I needed a bit of time to
respond, to think.
And Like you, i think this will be the first of two responses. You deserve at the very least, all that.
I cannot imagine looking at a loved one and then denying that I was related to the loved one. What an exceptionally sad
string of events.
What i learned from past events is to be forgiving of the Non-Evolved people (mean, greedy, selfish, jealous, bitchy, vindictive, cruel, unkind etc etc) but to also step away from such people if at all possible (not always possible)
Evolved people are the ones I want to be more like. They know who they are, they care about others, their actions not their words demonstrate that they care. They wish no harm on others. They aim to do the best they can. They aim to be kind and they aim to never intentionally ever do harm to another. And as far as possible to never accidentally ever do harm to another.
Jonas the wonderful wisdom of your responses reveal a beautiful heart inside. And a person who has so much to offer the world. I never ever wish any harm to come to anyone.
But sometimes tough event have the effect of polishing an already precious
diamond whose light can light up the world a little to the fact that we should all be kind to each other.
And you are indeed one of the diamonds in this world here to shine your light to the world and you have demonstrated to the world the wisdom, kindness and insight that you have within you to go fowaed. And demonstrate that the dark forces of unkindness and selfish, cruel, greedy, and nasty ways will never come from your heart.
You gave so much kindness and love. But sometimes not even that is enough to save someone we love.
I always hope that what I did was enough. But in the end we must live with the thought that we give our utter utter best. And if that is still not enough? Then it is not our failure.
Instead, although the feeling of total total utter sadness at losing someone who deserved more time, happiness, love, warmth, understanding, compassion is overwhelming, we cannot give up.
Instead we must make our own lives Count for something.
And find uplifting things to do.
Find ways to practice Tunnel Vision Positive thinking. Find ways to step aside from negativity.
Because People Poisoners are still out there. Wanting to defile the world and hurt the people around them.
And I include illicit drug suppliers, bullies, abusive people, cruel manipulative people, pedophiles, and even overly greedy or selfish jealous people in that.
But I also believe in finding good role models.
Despite sadness and negativity, there are still so many good people in the world.
Good people whose values and attitudes are worth observing and (trying to) emulate such good people.
And I am a great believer in keeping one's Emotional Bank in credit.
Being kind, doing good things, getting positive feedback and even just receiving nice feedback is a deposit in the emotional bank. But withdrawals can be unkindness from others, doing TOO much for others - especially the unkind ungrateful ones.
So first and foremost I have taken on board my first mother in law's advice. Which is 'Do something good for yourself every day and you will know that one person who truly deserves to be treated well was treated well'
And secondly she taught me to ask, when someone wants or needs and asks for help - whatever action you decide in each set of circumstances:
'think what this could become' and 'is this good for me?'
She has taught me to stop and take stock before I do things, so I am more selective. When I do offer help now I choose to do the best I can, with the ones where I think I can make a difference, fingers crossed.
But I also know that there are times when I am not the best person to help. And in those situations the best thing I can do is suggest they think about advice from another. Which may explain why I continue to recommend other alternatives and other sources and even advice from other Aunts and Uncles from time to time.
And it is no excuse to not responding earlier, but the last 3 months of each year are tough too as they include the anniversary of his birthday and his death. But that is still my issue that I need to look at, and keep reminding me that I did do my very best.
My good thoughts to you
And regards
Abella
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (4 August 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Dodds,
I found your response moving too.
Thank you,
Your lovely understanding meant a lot to me,
Regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (3 August 2011):
 This is very moving,going through all that you mentioned and managing to overcome. You are very strong and an article as such should be put up much wider to inspire many more people. I know the feeling of family and friends distancing themselves in times of trial,people you have been there for and thought you could rely on but at the time of reckoning turned their backs
Your article realy touched me when you talked about the depression,I can barely begin to imagine what you went through. Something similar was happening to a close person am living with but I was lucky it was discovered just when the said person was about to end it after having written a very sad and painful good bye. The symtoms are the same across the board,and like any other,it's an illness but of the mind and going through it has changed my perspective on the illness forever(sadly too few people are aware of or even take it or its symptoms seriously)
Recovery is going well but living with fear at the back of my mind of a relapse,having to put up a strong face for those around you who look up to you is tough but necessary to encourage and strengthen them but internally gets so very tiring,but your article has positively influenced me especialy where you wrote how not every one is entitled to know the details of what happened because it really is non of their business,but at the same time awareness could save many other people,you should consider writing a book!
All in all,good article and all the best with the future
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2011):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne DC person has made comment about this article. And needing to know more about how the second relationship progressed after losing my first husband and about going from being a widow with a child and how did I handle introducing a new man into my life? And how did my child handle it?
Also if I am going to do an update I will also mention that I do get very disappointed with the incorrect concept that suicide is 'brave'. It is NOT. It can be that the person's brain is just so sick, and the person refuses to go to the Doctor that is the real problem.
Suicide leaves so much sadness and feelings behind that make other people sad. It is far far better to talk it over with trained professionals. Not 'friends' who think it is not serious. It is always serious when any essential organ in your body is not working as well as it should.
So please, pick up the phone and call a help line. Never suffer in silence. There is a whole wonderful world out there. And more beautiful experiences ahead of you than you can ever possible imagine right now.
Well in the article I did not put a lot of detail on that because the article was more about coping with losing my first husband. My first husband has passed away and I am comfortable about talking about what it was like losing one's spouse when so young.
And the fact that my husband was not well and thus made a decision that indicated that fact.
Suicide is a big thing to deal with for the living. That was the main focus of the article. And why I wrote it.
When I was young I don't think I knew anyone who had passed away this way.
I explained the suicide this way to my child, when my child was a little older and able to cope with the concept.
And this is how I explained suicide to my child.
When a person does this they are not well in a part of their body. And that part of their body can be treated, but maybe they forget to tell the Doctor how very sick they feel?
When our lungs get sick we visit the doctor and get proper treament. Our lungs are an organ in our body.We need them to breathe
When our knee gets sick we may rest, but if it really hurts a lot we will visit the doctor and get proper treatment. We need our knees to walk and run.
If we cut our finger we put some medicine on it and maybe a bandaid as it is not serious enough for the Doctor unless it gets an infection. We need our fingers to draw and write.
And if an old person's Heart gets sick then they know they must get to the Hospital very urgently as this is very serious and Special Doctors are needed to make it better. We need our heart to live. A heart is just an organ in our body that we need. It needs good care and kind treatment.
And sometimes even very fit young people may not feel OK but cannot work out why. It may be that their thinking seems confused. Or lots of thought seem to rush around too fast in their head. They really need a Doctor. And very urgently if they feel exra sad. This is because temporarily they may be ill in another organ in the body called their brain. And there are special Doctors who can do very good things to make things less scary for the person whose brain is feeling not well.
And sometimes, because the brain is not doing as they expect they think they can fix it alone.
I mean who would ever think of doing their own heart surgery? Of course not.
But because the brain is not working as it should some people think they should keep it a secret that their thoughts are getting jumbled and they are feeling overwhelmed.
This is a big mistake.
Only a special Doctor who knows all about brains is the right person to talk to about a brain that is temporarily feeling sick.
I think it important to respect that my second husband does not need to have the rest of the world read every little detail subsequent to the death of my first husband. And my children do not either. But I have talked to them and gained their permission to add a post script to this article.
Suffice to say that I did think my second husband was great when I saw him at that reunion. But I was very hesitant. He had never taken me out when I was single. To me he was dashing then, and he tended to choose fairly 'lively' girls then. Euphemisms are so useful!
And a little later when I was a few years older by then I was in a relationship.
And now it was not just me. Now I had a child to consider as well. That was a very big consideration.
My child had to be able to trust him and feel comfortable with him too. He was really cool about it.
And he understood how hesitant I was too. In fact although I thought he was so great at the reunion I did not envisage it becoming more.
I was not in 'dating' mode. And I suspect when I met him that he was.
But that changed. He had a reason for work reasons to visit where I work. He found opportunities to just drop in. I think that was deliberate on his part. And pretty soon I was seeing him, although not 'seeing him'. Because I just did not feel ready to date.
Then he was at a lunch of many people that I attended. And it was clear he was smitten. Wanting to talk to me.
Definitely not taking no for an answer.
Willing to visit a Zoo rather than a bar if that was the only way he could see me the following weekend.
But I was still wary.
The poor man put up with taking me to lunch during a work day. And just talking. Because I was not comfortable getting my child baby-sat while I socialised. His patience was admirable.
A lesser man would have given up on me.
Then my child sensed that he was more to me. And my child made the decision that part of my love within my heart would have to be siphoned off to allow that to be used as my love for him.
So I explained to my child that there are many different kinds of love. Love for a pet. Love for a child. Love for a place. And love for a very special love partner.
So then my child thought that meant that I no longer loved the father of my child. Therefore I explained that the father of my child would always have a place in my heart. Like a pie, cut up into slices. That the love I have for my child will never change. The love I have for my first husband will never change. But I explained that the pie had some gaps. And that Mommy would be more complete if some of those gaps could be filled. So the pie could be whole again.
So I explained that though Mommy had chosen to bring a kitten into the family (thinking I would never have children again) and although up to then Mommy had never lived with nor married another man since Daddy passed away, that now I had realised I could make the pie whole again.
And so my pie no longer has empty parts. I now have my beautiful additional children I never thought I would have. I now have my lovely lovely man. Seeing him every day first thing in the morning fills my hear with happiness.
And I still have my marriage photos from my first marriage alongside the second pictures.
We can love again. But children's feelings, not just our own, have to be taken into account.
And a really good guy can wait while we regain our trust that we can make this work.
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reader, Abella +, writes (12 December 2010):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you C Grant (love the photo! Well chosen Avatar). You made my day on seeing you post. Your comments very much appreciate, regards Abella
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Thank you very much for sharing your story. I am sorry that you had this terrible experience, and even moreso that so many people tried to exploit you at such a vulnerable time. You have clearly learned some difficult lessons, lessons that one would never want to have to learn. It is inspiring to hear how you overcame your grief and emerged again into the land of the thriving, that you found a good guy to be with and support you. I wish you every happiness going forward -- you've earned it!
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