A
female
age
36-40,
*otconfused
writes:I always thought something was off with my BF until recently when I found out for sure there's something very off. I found tiny, secret cameras hidden in small holes all over our apartment, my mail was opened by him, and I think he records my conversations too not to mentione our computer. I don't even want to think what he did to that. My question is: how do you bring up mental illness in a delicate way? I know he is ill and does not mean to be this way but I am afraid he is a paranoid schizophrenic and don't want to sign up for a lifetime of problems. Do I wait for him to get treatment or end the relationship and give another reason than his mental problem? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I also agree with Ciar.
Get far far away from that creeper. He may or may NOT have a mental illness, but what he is doing is WRONG.
I also agree that there is a real chance of you being in danger fr4om this guy.
Get out and get out now.
A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (26 July 2012):
If you have written this from a home computer, or a phone he has access to it is possible he knows you have written this and does not trust you.
Next, if you rent the house, it is possible that the landlord is a voyeur and is taping everything you do.
It is also possible that the cameras are rigged up to a computer, a server, or are being recorded an uploaded to the internet. Voyeurs enjoy watching other people go about their daily lives. This can be a lucrative business...but is not truely legal if you didn't provide permission to be recorded or watched.
Paranoid schizophrenia has more obvious behavioral symptoms than hidden cameras. If hidden cameras alone are the only evidence you have leading you to believe that your boyfriend is a paranoid schizophrenic, then you are probably mistaking some kind of paraphelia (or fetish) for a devestating mental health condition. HOWEVER, If he believes people re put to get him, has increasingly negative and irrational outbursts, and irrational behavior or outright frank audio or visual hallucinations, he needs to be evaluated by and under the care of a board certified psychiatrist who can assess him, and if necessary, provide a treatment plan.
Personally, if i was being watched like you are, i would leave. If you are being abused by him in any way, please go to a payphone, dial an operator, and get a phone number to call the national domestic violence hotline. Do not look up the number on a computer or call from a phone he has had access to and do not call from the camera laden residence. That hotline can provide you with information about local shelters for women and provide you with options to assist you. Bring a pen, pencil, and paper so you can write down your options.
You will need to hide the paper if you choose to keep it. If you acknowledge that you have read this, an have not accessed this question from anywhere he has access to (and you did not have it sent to an email address he may have access to) i will provide you with some safe places to keep it.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 July 2012):
 What a huge invasion to your privacy. It doesn't matter if he is insecure or has a mental illness, that is not appropriate behavior. From the looks of it, he doesn't have a mental illness, he is fully aware of what he's doing and he thinks he's doing a good job of covering it up.
Don't raise suspicion that you found out. Get family and police involved in all seriousness. Move out ASAP. Change your passwords, mailing address, pin numbers and your telephone number. After you've moved out and changed all your passwords and numbers, you can send a letter explaining why you did it. You need to call him out so he knows he isn't very stealth after all.
Also, check your car to see if he's placed a GPS monitor in it- it's highly likely he's been monitoring where you've been going.
Be safe.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 End the relationship and be honest about why. That way he gets an initiative to seek help. If you stay with him regardless he wont feel a need to seek help. If you leave without saying why, he might not grasp that you caught him, and will continue to do this in his next relationship.
Mental illness or not, your boyfriend is crossing the lines of what's legal, you could file police reports on him and he'd get a conviction. These are serious things. No doubt he fully understands what he is doing is wrong, and no doubt he should know to seek help for it if it really is down to a mental illness. But, it could also be that he isn't mentally ill. It could be he is perfectly sane. Perfectly sane people do bad things too. Which means that your boyfriend is either mentally ill to a point where you shouldn't be in a relationship with him, or he's a very bad person, in which case you definitely shouldn't be with him.
A way of helping him could actually be to contact the police and tell them about his surveillance of you, that he's opened your mail etc. Your boyfriend needs to be held responsible for his actions. If you love him and care for him... it's time to end the relationship. For his sake. And get him help either through the police or by contacting his doctor.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I think Ciar's advice was fineThough I suggest that you read only: "... End the relationship.."Beyond that, say nothing. You (or anybody) don't OWE anyone an explanation for breaking up, except, perhaps, to say, "It just isn't working for me...."Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 July 2012):
Hi there. It might not be paranoid schizophrenia at all.
What it might be, is that he is very insecure about relationships and doesn't know whether to trust someone or not.
Because what he is doing, is checking up on you and who you email to, or speak on Facebook with, and the websites you visit.
And the cameras could be to check who you see when he is not there, like who you bring to the house, I mean.
It's very extreme, there's no doubt about that.
It's extreme to the point of invading your personal space, and not to mention your privacy, as well.
Those actions of his seem to be coming from a place where he doesn't trust people at all.
I would say he is very insecure.
And this shows up for him, more in romantic relationships, not so much general friendships.
Perhaps in the past, he has been badly hurt by someone or more than one person - in a relationship - and so he has learned to cope with it, by spying on people he goes out with now, in whatever way he can.
And it definitely seems that this is precisely what he is doing, isn't it?
And you probably might not be the first person he's done this to, either.
You have said you have not mentioned anything to him up until now.
I guess there is nothing quite like the direct approach.
You could ask him if he trusts you, and say to him that you have this feeling, because you found the hidden cameras by accident one day, and that you also discovered he had checked your computer for what websites you had visited, and were wondering why he felt the need to do this.
You are going to have to be totally honest with him when you do this, however it is necessary that you have this conversation with him - sooner rather than later.
Especially as it is a concern to you now, and has been a concern to you for a while now.
And if otherwise, you feel you have a pretty good relationship with him and are happy in his company, well then this spying on you, needs to be sorted out pronto.
And see what he says and if he gets angry.
He shouldn't really have the need to mistrust you, if you have never given him any reason to doubt you in the past.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Only a proper specialist Doctor can diagnose this illness. I would call his behaviour criminal first.
It can be very dangerous to try to label a person as mentally ill when they are simply a nasty mean depraved ciminal person. Yes they may also be ill as world.
But the world is full of thousands of very sick and truly fragile and not well people with serious Depression and a range of mental health isues and some are diagnosed with variations of schizophrenia. And they are, in most instances good peaceful people who are only a danger to themselves. not to others.
And yes Jails are full of some seriously nasty people, some of whom have no mental illness whatsoever. They are just seriously nasty and criminals through and through.
I think he is more criminal with some issues that are twisted.
He sure needs a full medical checkup.
Perhaps schedule side by side checkups at the Doctors. You and him. So it seems routine to him.
But especially ask the doctor to take particular note of potential issues that frighten you.
Get him into some medical care and then leave. Then you have acted in a way that will get him the care he needs.
You will have thus acted responsibly.
Do not just break up with him when you and he are alone.
Most guys are a little volatile when a girl breaks up with them. Because break ups feel sad for people with or without any mental illness.
However if he is diagnosed with a very mild medical variation of a particular illness then I would leave him anyway. As he may just be a very nasty man in his own right.
Please take care
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I couldn't agree more with Ciar. Don't even trouble yourself with any mental illness diagnosis. Don't worry about telling him to get help. You *are* in danger. Talk to your family away from your house, have them, without warning to your boyfriend, pack you up and get you out of there while he's gone. Then, after you're safe, contact him, tell him that you found his cameras and your mail opened by him, and tell him it's over. Also, I'm sure that the apartment complex will not like the fact that he's drilled holes in the wall.
You're not responsible for his mental well-being, so don't worry that you're hurting him by leaving. He knows right from wrong, and he is violating every bit of privacy you have, and it's dangerous.
After you leave the house, after you break up with him, contact the police if you believe he is violent or has made threats. But you've gotta get out of there. Don't confront him while you still live there.
His mental illness is now irrelevant. The fact that you're in danger *is* the only thing that matters. Get out of there first, and break up with him second. This will take planning and coordination with your family, so only speak to them in person AWAY from your apartment and car.
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A
female
reader, sammi star  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 I have to disagree with ciar saying he didn't do this due to mental illness. As someone who has had a lot of experience dealing with a paranoid schizophrenic (a close family member) this sounds like exactly the kind of thing he would do. I'm not necessarily saying your bf is definitly suffering this, it could just be that he's very controlling but I certainly think you're right to be cautious. You have a hunch and you should trust that.
Don't confront him if you feel he could become violent. He may feel backed into a corner and if he really is schizophrenic then he could behave completely out of character and not even realise what he's doing.
I'd say talk to his family. Tell them what's been going on and that you don't feel able to deal with it alone. They will want to help him. Weather you stay with him or not is your choice but you shouldn't just leave and say nothing to no one when you know there could be a problem that puts him or others in danger.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (26 July 2012):
Mental illness especially that in schizophrenia can vary greatly. I have known two or three sufferers of this illness. One very mild one more severe, and never were they paranoid to the point of hiding cameras, ect. This doesnot sound like the behavior of a person diagnosed as a sufferer of paranoid schizophrenia . Because they would tell you and i dont believe they would record covos, some could but not as likely. I agree with ciar. You need to be very careful and you should move out and break up. It could trigger a break In him. So be cautious, tell ur family, only get what your realy need clothes and such leave your furniture. I would also worry that moving out this way could make him angry and confused so again take caution. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (26 July 2012):
 Hi
Just pack up your things and leave asap,do not give advance warning to him,just do it when you are ready to go and he isnt around.Today if possible.Make sure somebody is there to help you too.
This isnt how anyone should live, he is violating your every right.You have no privacy, hes done it without your knowledge too.
I find it incredibly spooky to be honest and consider him a danger to you.
Tell your parents/friends, everyone why you have left, what he has been doing so they are aware of this situation too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): I agree with Ciar. Your boyfriend is potentially very dangerous and his actions are criminal. Tell your family and friends and have them help you move all your belongings out as soon as you get the opportunity to do so. Then break up with him firmly and quickly. If he makes you feel uncomfortable or you feel that he is going to do something extreme, tell your family and friends, and tell him that you're going to tell the police. Make sure you're not alone when you break up. Have a friend drive you. I don't know the details but he sounds dangerous so please be careful! You might think you'll be able to handle him now but people show their worst when the worst comes. Who knows what he might do when you break up. Best of luck. xxx
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (26 July 2012):
 End the relationship and site his behaviour as the cause for the break up. Do this after you have safely moved all of your belongings out. He should have no advance warning. I say this not to be punitive but to be cautious. He did not do this because of some mental illness. He did this because he lacks character, wants to control and thinks nothing of violating the privacy and undermining the security of another.His actions were apalling, potentially dangerous and possibly even criminal. I would put as much distance between him and yourself as quickly as possible.In my opinion you are in danger. Please be very careful with this one. Tell your friends and family what has happened. Do not try to handle this alone.Mental illness is never ever an excuse to jeopardize the well being of others. We all have free will and this is how he chose to exercise his.
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