A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've told a controlling and manipulative husband of over 12 years that I want to leave him and he's looking for jobs in another city after trying for 3 months to convince me. As I show him a strong front but he still tries to use every opportunity to tell me/ show me that he will change and needs another chance and saying things like 'just remember I have feelings too' which throw me on a guilt trip for doing this to him and the kids (kids will stay with me) - just las night he said again let's forget it all and make a fresh start but when I said no I'm done with this - he changed to 'I don't know how I even fell in love with you; I made a mistake marrying you. My friends are telling me to move on; you're really going to regret this'. What I don't get is can you really talk like this to someone you love - is there any justification? Or is it manipulation in trying to get me to stay?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I would stop suggest a divorce and just contact a lawyer and get started.
There are no rules that HE has to start the proceedings and honestly, if he hasn't changed in 12 years, who is he trying to fool when he says he will change? If he was really interested in "fixing" his behavior he would have sought help sooner. Instead he emotionally blackmail you. Why? Because it's easier.
If you are done, you are done. No need to drag it out.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I think I will add in that he also has inadequacy issues.
Take care that he does not try to sue you for alimony. He may feel entitled to do so. Even though he may be laughed out of court.
If you earn more than him his ego is bruised.
He's cheated on you too.
The guy has real backbone (NOT)
(sarcasm font required on last line above)
Sounds like he has not supported you and the children emotionally nor in other ways.
Now he can go forth and prove how much he never needed you. It is sad but he met with a stron woman and now he cannot take it any longer.
Best wishes with the future.
PS: worst thing for him about cheating was being found out. He will cheat again.
Why should you feel that you should forgive him for cheating. He chose to cheat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks folks - that's really useful. I actually earn more than him so I don't know about divorce proceedings/alumni but imagine I am not seeking much help from him. Never saw him as the key provider in that sense. What mainly confuses me is that am I being a really bad person in not being in love with a man who is now the father oft children and am I really ruining everyone's life by being honest. He has cheated on me and claims that's all okay now that he is willing to make a fresh start and I will be mean if I still can't forgive him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 In the Battle of the Egos, which takes place during a break-up, both of the parties commonly want to be the one who can say, "There, I showed him/her....." Sounds to me like that's what's going on in your break-up.
It really makes no difference....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 July 2012):
He is drawing things out because he has got so used to abusing you verbally. What he going to do now?
Just when he thought he could abuse you forever he is facing a challenge. How is he going to find a woman willing to be abused? He's have to put on a positive act for a while to make out that he's not a bundle of negativity.
But in time he will find another woman who will be a carbon copy of you. Then he'll be like a pig in mud. Able to wallow in negativity. Find fault, Criticize, belittle. It's going to be tough on him for a while, but he knows he can do it again.
Right now he'll feeling like the victim. He feels railroaded. And he is scared of the future without his family, without the supports he has grown accustomed to taking for granted.
He loves you in his own way of loving.
He has not worked out that being controlling is not loving.
He will not change at all.
Though he really really hopes you will relent at the eleventh hour and believe him.
Get him into some counselling for depression as I think he is about to fall apart. He is not taking responsibility for the situation in respect to his contribution to this outcome.
He's not in love with you any more but he wants some revenge. He thinks you are all the things I listed above about him. He is whining like a boy who has lost his ball or balls at the beach and wants to vent to express his complete dis-satisfaction with the situation.
He is bad mouthing you behind your back to others.
He does not love you and is not happy.
It sounds like separating may be the best thing for everyone.
If the children are his children then he may even feel so unloved at the moment that he may lose confidence to maintain a relationship with them. If the children are not his children then he may feel like everyone is ganging up against him
He is pretty lost at the moment and counselling could at least help him make this big change with some confidence that he can manage this changed future.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (19 July 2012):
 HiHe's just trying to convince you you are making a mistake. From his view your telling him he isn't wanted,he's losing everything, having to relocate. Of course he will try to persuade you.His ego's bruised. He now faces years of paying support for you and the children too.He has lost his 'control' of you,which will really shock him. Just keep being strong if divorce is what you want.
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