| Latest articles: I'm a thoroughly modern brand of old-fashioned
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12 August 2016: I was particularly amused by a recent comment about my views. I was described as living in “the 1950s,” which I found highly amusing. But when I’d had my chuckle, I got to thinking: what would it be like to be stuck in the 50s? How does the ...
I hate cheating, but not as much as a failure to forgive
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
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23 August 2015: IT’s been the story that hasn’t gone away all week. Ashley Madison sent journalists in to a spin trying to access the 9.7 gb of data leaked on to the internet, trying to find any public figures who may be embroiled in the scandal. Suspicious spouses ...
Childless by choice: please stop judging us
This question has 3 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
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6 July 2015: This morning, as usual, I was perusing the questions on Dearcupid, when I stumbled across a question from a woman regarding her feelings about not wanting a child. Although I gave a comprehensive answer to the question, it touched a nerve with me, ...
On-line dating: my honest look
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12 January 2014: On-line dating: my honest look Those who read my column with any regularity will know there is considerable absence of references to my personal life. I am, for the most part, keen to concentrate on advising because, good advice is good no matte...
Revenge is sweet: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that.
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9 March 2013: REVENGE IS SWEET: A Greek tragedy that I think will make you think twice about that. Revenge, they say, is sweet. Well British people have, if they have been following the news, witnessed a very public case in point to prove that the reverse can ...
Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies
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6 January 2013: Nollaig na mBan: A day for the ladies You may or may not know that in Ireland, the date of 6 January is known as Women’s Christmas (Nollaig na mBan). On this day, the tradition (still strong in parts of the country) is that men take responsibil...
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Wife won't let me end our marriage and follow my religious beliefs
Q. I am married to a woman and I found Jesus Christ and now all I want to do is to follow his commands.I tried to break up with my wife but she refuses to leave and she gets very forceful and violent when I tell her that I want us to break up so I can ...
A. 19 May 2021: You need to move out as soon as you can and start proceedings to end the marriage – get advice for your legal jurisdiction. It sounds like she is not going to consent to this so you’ll have to figure out what the implications of that are for ending ... (read in full...)
My Girlfriend cheated on me - Why does it turn me on?
Q. I found out my girlfriend cheated on me last week. I should be angry and upset with her. Heartbroken even. But I’m not. In fact the thought of it turns me on to the point where I wish I could’ve watched them do it. It happened about 6 weeks ag...
A. 19 May 2021: If you were thinking with your head, you’ve got serious cause to wonder if you can ever trust her again. Instead, because you’re turned on by what she’s done, it sounds like you’re thinking of swapping the vital talk that you both need to have for ... (read in full...)
I feel I would be better off staying single and just getting a bed buddy.
Q. I am a single mom. I have been divorced twice. I attract toxic people. Or people who need fixed. I am trying to get back into the dating scene. I feel like I truly know myself now. I am sensitive and an over thinker. I am wondering if I should just ...
A. 9 May 2020: There’s nothing wrong with a single woman enjoying her single hood whilst having the pleasure of a bed buddy. Some people can see sex as simply a leisure activity: it’s something to be enjoyed just like any other pursuit. For others it can’t be ... (read in full...)
I'm still grieving the death of my husband.
Q. My husband passed away 8 months ago after a two year battle with lung cancer. Since then, work has been able to distract me from my grief but I have been working from home due to COVID-19. It's harder on me being home all the time, surrounded by his ...
A. 9 May 2020: There is no normal for getting over it, either in how long it takes or what you have to do in order to feel like you can reach a point of acceptance and move on with your life whilst still treasuring the memories of the husband you loved.
Someo... (read in full...)
I'm having a hard time coping with LDR
Q. Hey y'all, I was together with my bf for 4 months in the same city. We spent the nights and days together in the same appartment for most of the time. So it was almost like we lived together.. However it's been almost 2 months now that we are in a...
A. 22 March 2020: Unfortunately, this is what an LDR is like. Visits are less frequent, and you have to rely on technology if you still want the regular contact. Either you learn to live with it, agree a deadline by which you will be closer together (most couples ... (read in full...)
Have I missed my chance to talk to the cute girl?
Q. I’m graduating high school in May. There’s this really cute junior who occasionally stops me to compliment my outfit, or in one case a presentation she’s watched me hold (I have social anxiety; that was not a good presentation). I know nothing about ...
A. 22 March 2020: IT sounds like it, but take it as a lesson learned: be bolder in seizing the chance when you have it if someone interests you. Don’t dwell on it too much. Maybe you wouldn’t have liked her anyway if you had got to know her. Life is full of what ifs ... (read in full...)
I'm having therapy but feel I can't be fixed no matter what I try.
Q. I was in a long-distance relationship for a year. I found out he had 4 other long term girlfriends. The whole process was very traumatic. I trusted him as years ago we were together for over 2 years. He was my first boyfriend. During this lon...
A. 22 March 2020: You were deceived because your ex was good at deception. It wasn’t your fault, and it says nothing about you and everything about him.
If you are still struggling after so much therapy, I do wonder if it is therapy that you need. What is the purp... (read in full...)
Would women date an ugly male virgin?
Q. I've never been on a date before, I've never had a girlfriend, and I've never kissed a girl either. I am of course a male virgin. I'm not a handsome man so I don't ask girls out on dates. They'll just say no so I feel like I shouldn't waste their ...
A. 22 March 2020: My romantic history is identical to yours, so if anything I say seems harsh you should take it in the constructive and helpful spirit in which it is offered.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and putting yourself down. That is unattractive. It’s una... (read in full...)
How Do I Get My First Date Before I Turn 30?
Q. I am a overweight, not very handsome, not particularly smart or interesting, bald, geeky, awkward male virgin. I am very introverted to say the least. I've never even kissed a girl and I've never been on a date. When I get nervous, I stutter and my ...
A. 15 February 2020: You have been given some excellent advice which I encourage you to follow. I can add very little to it so will just give you a personal perspective.
I turned 30 last year and the first ever date still hasn’t happened for me. The sky didn’t fall in a... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend. Is it inappropriate to have my male best friend meal prep for me?
Q. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. Last week, one of my close friends who is male, asked if I could go accompany him to the wholesale supermarket since I had a membership and he wanted to get purchase a bunch of cleaning ...
A. 5 February 2020: Are you overthinking? Without a shadow of a doubt. Cooking meals together is not the preserve of couples at all, never mind couples who have a long distance between them. This is really simple: you paid a share of someone’s shopping in exchange for ... (read in full...)
I'm unhappy about having to spend much of Christmas Day alone.
Q. I’m an 18-year old lad and facing the majority of Christmas day alone. I’ve honestly never felt so rotten in my entire life. As well as having Aspergers syndrome I’ve always been shy and introverted, and as such I’ve got no friends in life and have ...
A. 18 December 2019: “Should I have a right to feel aggrieved or do I just need to get over it?”
Both I would say. Your family do sound pretty selfish and self-absorbed in my opinion. The fact that they have shown you so little consideration is not a reflection on you ... (read in full...)
Is it okay to remain friends with an ex when you are in a new relationship?
Q. Hello aunts Is it a good idea for a couple to stay friends with their respective ex's if the couple is newly in love with each other but still share a friendship that cannot be given up (not sexual feelings but say mutual respect and care with th...
A. 18 December 2019: I believe that friendships and romantic relationships deserve equality, so I don’t subscribe to the idea that if a relationship transforms from romantic to platonic, it should be forgotten about just because you meet new partners. With that said, ... (read in full...)
My ex keeps contacting me to be nasty.
Q. My boyfriend of 2 years split up with me 2 months ago and since then he hasn't stopped texting me abuse about what a horrible person I am and generally putting me down which is really confusing me why is he still texting me all this abuse when hes ...
A. 18 December 2019: He sounds like a very abusive person. Maybe what he really wanted was the enjoyment of dumping you and watching you fall apart and begging him to come back. What he didn’t want was for you to accept his wish to be single and your willingness to ... (read in full...)
Co worker was upset I didnt take her advice on a matter.
Q. This lady I work with who said she's attracted to me got upset today after I didn't take her advice on a matter. I teased her about it respectfully and she told me she was mad right after and said 'no one here listens to me'. I told her she was ...
A. 18 December 2019: No red flags as such, but the key fact here is that she has said she is attracted to you and you admit you are interested in her also.
When we have these feelings, we tend to overreact to everything. A kind hello becomes a declaration of love. A ... (read in full...)
How to deal with a best friend who buys cheap gifts?
Q. My best friend and I have always made an effort to buy each other nice, thoughtful gifts for birthdays and Christmas. The average amount we spent on each other was about 60$. In the past two years, I have noticed that she has been buying me i...
A. 18 December 2019: There are a lot of things you seem to know. First, how do you know about her financial situation? Maybe there are things she doesn’t share with you. You wouldn’t know unless she shared them. Second, how do you know she’d be disappointed with a cheap ... (read in full...)
Why is my ex giving me mixed signals?
Q. My ex messaged me 3 times this month. Him and have not spoken in months. The first, “ he asked if I had any plans for my birthday” A few days later, “Just Happy Birthday” A few days later again he said, “ I hope your taking care of yoursel...
A. 15 December 2019: The signals aren’t mixed. You asked him to leave you alone because he broke your heart. You blocked him, which sends a clear message to him, yet he is obviously exploiting other channels to reach you. The signal he is sending is this: he wants to ... (read in full...)
Does my FWB have feelings for me?
Q. I've been single for a little over 4 years now. My last relationship was one of the worst relationships I have ever been in, in my life. And that's why I'm still single. But I'm happy being single. Since I've been single I've had 3 friends with b...
A. 15 December 2019: Perhaps he is an attentive lover, one who thinks there is more to sex than in, out and thank you very much. However it does sound like there is an emotional connection too, so he is certainly starting to care about you, whether he ultimately wants ... (read in full...)
I'm in love with a married woman we had a spat and I fear things will never go back to how they were
Q. I am helplessly in love with a married woman. We were good friends for a long time and then, during the breakdown of my long-term relationship, I turned to her for support. There was no affair, but I was overly attentive, and she lapped it up. We ...
A. 12 December 2019: Everything Honeypie said. If things hadn’t gone too far, why were you meeting in secret? If it were all platonic, and she didn’t fear that things would go too far or have concerns that you would ask for something she isn’t willing to give you, why ... (read in full...)
Please help me understand an abusive man's actions
Q. Would a man who has been abusive to a woman deny his abusive behaviour if the woman finally exposed him to other people and she told them what he has been doing to her and why she left him and then he make up other excuses as to why she left him? A...
A. 11 December 2019: There’s a really simple answer to this one: he denies it because he doesn’t want people to know the truth. If you can’t conceal the truth, what’s the next best option? It’s to discredit whoever is exposing it. If he can convince them that the ex has ... (read in full...)
My mistress is upset about my upcoming trip with my wife. How do I calm her down?
Q. I'm a man in his 60's, married for 25 years and I have had a mistress for 7 years. The problem is my wife and I travel frequently and always have, well before my mistress came into the picture. However it has been a constant source of fricti...
A. 9 December 2019: Interesting that you set yourself up as a female but report being male in your post. Not really big on honesty are you?
You say you don’t want judgement but what on earth do you expect? You are cheating on your wife. You seem totally unconcer... (read in full...)
I got too clingy to a guy I was interested in and he's stopped responding. Do I reach out again?
Q. I’m a gay man and there is this guy I’m interested it. We met through an app, started messaging back and forth back in May, and yes he’s also gay. We like a lot of the same things and have a similar sense of humor, which is a change because I have ...
A. 9 December 2019: If you reach out again, I’m not convinced that you would really stick to it being “one last time” at all. I know this may sound hard, especially when you’ve had such a rough month (and I’m sorry to hear about all that by the way), but this guy is ... (read in full...)
I have never been on a date or been kissed and I'm too insecure to ask someone out
Q. Im not really sure where to start this, other than I posted on here probably about 10 years ago with pretty much the same question. I am in my late twenties, and I have never been on a date, been in a relationship, never kissed anyone or had se...
A. 9 December 2019: I can tell you you’re not alone because my romantic life is just like yours, so this is one of those very rare occasions I can advise with a bit of first-hand experience. I’m 30 by the way.
The one thing you don’t mention in your post is whether ... (read in full...)
Why is my former FWB not leaving me alone?
Q. Last July at a 25 year school reunion I met an old school friend whom I experienced an instant strong chemistry with, he was in a relationship and I was just out of one, I wasn’t interested in dating a taken man and made that known! He pursued me ...
A. 9 December 2019: “His responsibility to be faithful not mine.” Hmmm, only partly true. He’s the one that’s accountable to his girlfriend, but the moral responsibility is with both of you. How would you feel about a woman that did this to you? You should never have ... (read in full...)
A friend is basing all of our interactions around her 9 year old son and I am getting weirded out
Q. I entered a graduate program (2 year length) last August where I met Wanda. She is about a decade older than me and is married with an elementary age son. I am married in my late twenties. My husband and I moved to a new part of the country just so ...
A. 9 December 2019: Her life is her son. Maybe that’s how she wants it, or maybe that’s just how it goes when you can’t get anyone to look after your child for you. The fact is, her sense of her identity is totally bound up with her son and her role as a mum. In this ... (read in full...)
I'm planning to visit my LD boyfriend in Germany and he has ditched plans with me to spend time with his friends.
Q. He I've been in a long distance relationship with a German guy for a while now, but I'm just at a point where I feel frustrated and undervalued. This is the issue we're currently having: He told me he wanted me to spend Christmas with him...
A. 7 December 2019: Short answer to a long question: walk away.
This is not a relationship. This is totally one-way: you spending vast amounts of your money, time and mental energy working on a relationship with a guy who hardly even comes to see you, has no inte... (read in full...)
Since the birth of the baby I'm just not interested in sex anyore.
Q. I had a baby nearly 5 months ago and have no sex drive. I've also recently been getting depo provera which is contraception injection. Its known to decrease sex drive I read but I've only just had my first one and was like this anyway before it. Not ...
A. 7 December 2019: I think you got a good answer from Honeypie which I endorse fully. As she says, your body has gone through a big change so just talking things over with your doctor might help.
It is, however, certainly very common for this to happen. The strain i... (read in full...)
I don't understand why my daughter is attracted to an older guy with nothing going for him.
Q. my adult daughter is dating a guy that is lazy and unmotivated. he is almost 40 he only has an id no drivers license i want better for her and don't know how to talk to her. i don't understand....
A. 7 December 2019: The key word here is “adult.” She is free to make up her own mind and choose who she wants.
It’s not clear from your post whether you have good evidence that he is the lazy waste of space you make him out to be, or whether you have rushed to judge... (read in full...)
How do I stop thinking about a fling?
Q. How can I get over / stop constantly thinking about a fling? I came out of a 10 year relationship almost 18 months ago, Over summer I joined an online dating site and met somebody who was absolutely amazing. We talked online for quite a while be...
A. 21 November 2019: Here’s a thought: you break up with your long-term partner, who also happens to be your only sexual partner. Whether you wanted to break up in the end or not and however convinced you may be that it was right and necessary, that’s still going to ... (read in full...)
The guy I am interested in lives with a homeless woman who does drugs and they used to have sex.
Q. I recently made contact with a guy from my high school from years ago. We talked for about a week, mostly through text, and made plans to meet up over the holidays, when he dropped a bombshell, and I need help sorting through it. Basically, he told ...
A. 21 November 2019: CindyCares is spot on with this one.
The flags are as red as red can be I’m afraid. Whatever way you look at it, it’s going to end in disaster. Let’s say we take him at his word: being a kindly soul, he took in a homeless woman and fell for her.... (read in full...)
I'm having weird sexual dreams about my inlaws.
Q. I’m 30 married for 9 years to a great husband with a good family. My father died when I was 2 and went thru an extremely traumatizing, sexually and physically abusive child hood. Now that I really trust my in laws and am pretty happy, I find ...
A. 21 November 2019: No-one’s going to bash you. Here are a couple of thoughts that spring to mind.
First, they are your husband’s family. Maybe you see in them some of the qualities and traits you admire about your husband. So long as thoughts remain just thoughts and ... (read in full...)
I've been married three months and I am totally miserable!
Q. Firstly, thanks for taking the time to read and respond.. I’m miserable, totally. Been married 3 months although we dated for 8 years. My husband sleeps on the floor when we fight. At first he claimed to have a bad back and generally prefer...
A. 21 November 2019: I’m left wondering what this relationship was like before the marriage. Why did you marry after so many years? Was it to seal the deal on something that you both thought was still wonderful? Or was it something you hoped might fix the cracks? Did ... (read in full...)
I'm considering a threesome with two male friends.
Q. This is a bit embarrassing but I have two male friends who I've been friends with for a long time and we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes I sleep over at either of their houses when we can't be bothered going to our own houses. They're both ...
A. 18 November 2019: You want to make sure everyone has a really good time? Good luck with that.
You’ll probably find that they get competitive with each other. You’ll probably find that one of them feels left out. You’ll probably find that you enjoy one of them more... (read in full...)
I’m focused on school so I don’t see the need for relationships. Is that selfish or wrong somehow?
Q. I broke up recently with my boyfriend of 7 months, because I was definitely mistaken love for infatuation. The problem is, I felt really good about us being together the first two months, although things between us happened quickly, and we rushed ...
A. 14 November 2019: Your focus and commitment to your studies is admirable and you should be commended for it. Juggling our priorities is difficult and it makes perfect sense that you’re not focussed on romance right now.
Your ex probably made his comments about yo... (read in full...)
How soon is too soon to call?
Q. This question is more for the female Aunts but i am always open to hear from the men as well. Ladies (and guys) do you still believe in the 3 day rule? I met a real pretty lady last night and she texted me her number before having to go home. I d...
A. 14 November 2019: What would I do? I’d get on with it and contact her as soon as possible. Strike while the iron is still hot. Do you want to be some random guy she meets on a night out and then forgets all about because, as usual, nothing came of it? The 3-day rule ... (read in full...)
Should I send a text for closure, should I feel jealous my friend works with my crush?
Q. ive liked the same person for quite a while now and sometimes my feelings towards him go away then they come back again , I wish I didn't have feelings for him but you cant help it , we got along really well at first then due to the way I acted it ...
A. 14 November 2019: Sending a text won’t give you closure. The fact that apologies have been offered and you have made your peace should have given you that closure if you were really ready for it. If it hasn’t, another text isn’t going to do that.
The problem ... (read in full...)
Why are straight guys upset when gay guys don't like them?
Q. Today I had a conversation with a guy who found out I'm gay. Him - It's fine with me, just don't come on to me. Me - Don't worry, you're not my type. Him - What do you mean I'm not your type? Me - I don't find you attractive. H...
A. 11 November 2019: Ego! Ego! Ego! That’s what the other posters are emphasising here and they’re right. That is combined with an apparently poor understanding of what it means to be gay. For some men, the idea that a straight guy doesn’t find every woman attractive is ... (read in full...)
How do I handle rejection?
Q. i have often realised there are times i can think about someone a lot and I don't think this is a bad thing but in a way I want to stop myself or reduce the times I think about someone . I do feel I can become infatuated with someone, sometimes in a ...
A. 11 November 2019: Most of us can identify with feeling infatuation for someone if we have a romantic interest in this person or an overwhelming urge to build a friendship. The trick is to recognise how irrational it makes you. Every hello message they send becomes ... (read in full...)
I don't think I'm ever going to get over my ex
Q. Is there any way to really get over an ex? My ex fiancé and I were together for 7 years and have been split up 5 years and I’m still not over him and don’t think I ever will be. I’ve only seen him once during that time and haven’t really spoken to ...
A. 11 November 2019: I really feel for you. This is such a horrible position to be in. I like how WiseOwlE puts it: “The heart is stubborn, it wants what it wants.” Sometimes our feelings don’t catch up with reality and it can feel like absolute torture.
The reason y... (read in full...)
I need help with online dating ettiquette!
Q. Hey everyone. I was just wondering at what point when dating someone is it normal / the etiquette do you not chat with other people / ask for dates? I've been online dating for a while, but without much / any success. Had a second date recently, t...
A. 11 November 2019: It’s a tricky one. There’s no clear rule I can give, for example by date 3 it must be exclusive. I think this is a lot of the trouble with online dating.
My advice to you would be to find out how enthusiastic the second person would be about me... (read in full...)
My ex is a jealous, negative-minded selfish idiot in the relationship area, should I take him back?
Q. I have a tricky situation that will probably receive mixed reactions based on whether you're a dog-lover or not. Basically - I broke up with my partner a few months back. We fought at first but eventually learnt to be civil. We don't have any k...
A. 11 November 2019: Even staying together for the sake of children rarely makes an unhappy, miserable relationship any better and often makes it worse. You can’t get back with this guy for the sake of the dog, however much you will be heartbroken to go your separate ... (read in full...)
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