A
male
age
51-59,
*kirk
writes:Well it's been awhile since I got divorced, thanks for the help Aunts. I now have a new problem.I started dating a wonderful woman last October and things were wonderful. Having been in an abusive relationship though I have had a lot to learn about dealing with someone who isn't abusive. Needless to say I have made lots of mistakes and pushed her away. A couple of weeks ago she broke it off just before her birthday. Since I had already bought her a birthday present I asked if I could give it to her, I would even just leave it at her front door and if she didn't want it she could give it to her daughter. She called me and said she should receive it in person. So I took her, her mother and daughter to dinner and gave it to her. The evening went really well. Let me add I have at her urging begun going to counseling and reading Hold Me Tight (relationship book she recommended). Since her birthday she has begun calling me first just every couple of days but now several times a day. I stopped by yesterday to give her daughters some books I bought at a book sale. It was very casual and only took 30 minutes (it killed me to see her but I didn't show it). She talks about the counseling helping my next relationship whether it's with her or someone else being better because of it. I don't recall ever being this much in love with someone (even with my wife of 21 years). My question is "does she want me back) and "How do I win her heart again if she does"? She is under a lot of stress right now since her mother is here for 3 weeks and they do NOT get along very well. Not to mention she is a single Mom studying for her Masters. How do I learn to communicate better, she want's to talk and all my ex did was yell and call me nasty names. Sometimes I wish she would just yell at me and get it over with so we could make up. :( HELP ME PLEASE I MISS HER SO MUCH.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (31 August 2012):
jkirk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell a couple of weeks ago I told her I could not be just friends right now. She stated I should date other people "BUT NOT GET SERIOUS WITH THEM". What the HELL does that mean?
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
 another alternative is to make her something delicious.
Arrive with the home made meal around 5pm on Friday night, so you stand at the door with something lovely, that smells and tastes good. And offer it to her to make studying easier. (if she is an appreciative lady then she will let you come in too.
Check on the internet for recipes for any of the following:
Beef satay with broccoli, onion, etc etc and walnuts, with rice.
Chicken with mango, onion etc etc and macadamia with cous cous.
Reliable lasagne.
Chicken soup with julienne vegetables.
Or a delicious dessert that you made yourself.
Yes it is a bit over the top.
But women are often lost because the guy is too cautious and because he ner show his hand, sufficiently, to prove he is 'the one'
So some occasionall persistence, with a good sense of humour (and walks on the beach :) and being a little over the top can delight a lady. And be just enough to tip rhe scales in your favour.
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A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (21 July 2012):
jkirk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually that is what I was doing prior to the breakup. LOL I know yelling at me won't fix things that was actually sarcastic humor. I've offered to take her Mom and daughter out in the evening so she can study but she hasn't taken me up on it.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Correction:
and her yelling at you is not going to help either.
Because you are not in need of that type of treatment if you are still working through the issues from a previous prior relationship that was abusive.
Your girlfriend sounds very 'all together' and assertive and honest. But not abusive.
One suggestion that you could put to your girlfriend could be the following:
When she studies in the evening she might sometimes feel under a lot of pressure regarding getting a meal together, getting through all the usual evening things with her child, including meal time, the kitchen cleaned up and a story read to her child.
Before your girlfriend can study.
You could offer to come over to her place, make the meal, serve it and then let her go off to study in her study area at home. While you clean up the kitchen, read a story to her child, ensure her child has cleaned teeth etc, and then you can read or watch TV (on low volume) as the in-house guest baby sitter until 10pm.
Thus if her child wants a glass of water you will be the one to deal with that.
Just so your girl friend can study un-interrupted in her home.
Quietly leave with a quick goodbye at the appointed time to leave, as the inhouse baby sitter for the night. With no pressure for a kiss.
Actions will speak louder than words, or a kiss.
A couple of times like that might really be appreciated as it will free her up to study and still know her child is safe and OK. Uninterruped study time is a huge plus at times.
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A
male
reader, jkirk +, writes (21 July 2012):
jkirk is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clear it up. We don't yell at each other, but sometimes I just don't know what to do when I feel like she is criticizing me. Even though she is not, sometimes it feels that way. I can become defensive and I'm not sure how to get past that.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 July 2012):
Yes she wants you back. She is trying not to pressure you. AND she wants you to have the time to deal with the Counselling and resolve some issues.
Keep her informed about the state of the counselling and what you are finding interesting.
Read the book several times and let her know what you have been learning from that book
Demonstrate ways in which you are standing up for yourself.
Ask what aspects would she most like to see change about how things were before between you and her.
Asking her and her mother and her child out for a meal was a great idea.
She may be receptive to another event where you ask her out.
She needs to see you grow as a man
Initiating things is possibly difficult for you.
She sounds a lovely woman.
Start writing a private journal where you gather your thoughts and talk about what is important to you. This is to help you clarify your thinking.
Little steps. Behaving assertively..
Yelling at her is not assertive.
Yelling is not making up.
If you can find the time to take up a hobby that means something to you or get involved in helping a communicty group or a charity from time to time this might help you grow a little more too.
Coming out of a previous Abusive relationship was a really strong good move. That would not have been easy for you.
You do not need another abusive relationship ever.
But as you can see an abusive relationship can affect a non-abusive relationship until you learn to react differently.
With Patience and your Counselling and more time I suspect that you may be able to make up with her. Keep in touch with her regularly. Let her know that you think of her.
Taking the books to her child was a lovely gesture too, showing that you care.
I think you are already on the right track. Just more of the same and try to open up to her and tell her (without yelling) your feelings when the time is right.
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