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*irtball agony aunt

*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

_____________________________________________

I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

____________________________________________

Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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Does flirting with other guys equal cheating?

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Does flirting with other guys equal cheating?

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Q.   It is kinda long, but I need help. I am going insane!! I was w a guy for 4 yrs, i broke up with him about 5 times while feeling like there was someone better out there and that I wasn't happy. How he treated me: Gave me everything my heart desi...

A.   12 August 2010: I hate it when people break up and one of them goes back to take back gifts. That's just low. If I give someone something, it's theirs. Plain and simple. I don't care if it cost me $2 or $2000. I chose to give it to you knowing full well that ... (read in full...)

Gay? Or just a teen?

Q.   i'm worried. i like to watch gay porn, i get arroused by men's penis's. i've joined gay chats and talk, jacked off to the dirty talk, watched tehm on web cam, wanted to do things, but i dont real slightly attracted to them at all, in the way like ...

A.   12 August 2010: I'll disagree with kevin3007 that masturbation isn't healthy. It is perfectly natural and healty. I think you're curious and scared. It might not be the worst thing to try. If gay porn does it for you, then you likely have some tendenci... (read in full...)

Should I tell my b/f I watch porn?

Q.   I watch porn and i just want to know is it okay?? My boyfriend dosnt know. should i tell him. I have been masterbating for ages and is it wrong still my bf dosnt know about this. Should i wait a bit longer to tell him any of this stuff let him grow...

A.   12 August 2010: I'd also wait. It is likely something he has done or does himself, so sharing that could be a lot of fun. Too much fun. And like White swan said, could definitely lead to pregnancy. Personally, I have no problems with porn. If you like it,... (read in full...)

BJ by a stranger in a bar. Why?

Q.   PleAse help me wrap my head around this. I was at a bar. Girl keeps staring at me. I approach. We get to talkin. I can tell she wants me to kiss her, so I do. We start making out. She says, " I have to go to the bathroom, wanna follow me?". Nor sure ...

A.   11 August 2010: Maybe that's her thing. People like all sorts of stuff, and you likely found hers. Sounds like an experience you won't soon forget. ... (read in full...)

What more can I do to make it up to her?

Q.   Hello I am feeling very down about things and how my relationship has turned out. Things with my girlfreind are not good and I feel things can only continue this way for so long. Six months ago I broke my girlfreinds trust and revealed a very per...

A.   11 August 2010: The only thing you can do now is stop beating yourself up and give it time. You made a mistake. You feel horrible for it. You've apologized sincerely and have tried to pay penance. It isn't right for her to hang it constantly over your head, but ... (read in full...)

Are they MORE than just friends?

Q.   Hi, I'm not really sure why I'm doing this because nothing seems to bring me peace of mind but I don't want to lose my boyfriend. He liked this girl who has been on and off with his best friend for years and then met me and started a relationship ...

A.   11 August 2010: Hmmm, what I'm about to write probably won't be easy for you. I'll apologize in advance for that. He still likes her, and has some backward hopes of becoming more than friends with her. The reason I say that is because of the text proclaim... (read in full...)

An ex with benefits

Q.   Me and my ex- boyfriend broke up about 3 months ago and right afterwards he got a new girlfriend, that only lasted 2 weeks and now he has another girlfriend and this has been about a month now, but the thing is he wants to be "friends" but everytime ...

A.   11 August 2010: Excellent answer Jmtmj! I couldn't agree more. He knows what strings he can pull with you to get you in bed, and he does it, all the while he has another girlfriend... He's a player, and now a cheater. Get out of this. Give yourself some tim... (read in full...)

I really don't understand what he is thinking or feeling!

Q.   Hi everyone, I posted this the other day but didn't get any replies and more has happened since then so I thought I'd try again. So I posted a question on here a while ago, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fallen-in-love-with-my-be...

A.   9 August 2010: Nope, this is the kind of thing that I come to this webpage for! :D Ok, given the new information, there are again a couple of possibilities here. I'll do my best to lay them out as I see them. Possibility 1. The person you talked to the... (read in full...)

I really don't understand what he is thinking or feeling!

Q.   Hi everyone, I posted this the other day but didn't get any replies and more has happened since then so I thought I'd try again. So I posted a question on here a while ago, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fallen-in-love-with-my-be...

A.   5 August 2010: Drunken hook ups are one thing, but if he was truely into you, he wouldn't be hooking up with other girls. If he's talking about other girls while you're around, then he's likely not interested. You've kind of become "one of the guys." In my ... (read in full...)

I really don't understand what he is thinking or feeling!

Q.   Hi everyone, I posted this the other day but didn't get any replies and more has happened since then so I thought I'd try again. So I posted a question on here a while ago, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fallen-in-love-with-my-be...

A.   5 August 2010: Ok, I went back to read your original post as well. There is a ton of stuff going on here. Part of me sees potential here, and part of me sees this ending badly. I'll explain both perspectives. The potential I see. Men don't spend time wit... (read in full...)

I cheated on my unromantic boyfriend and am now struggling to repair things!

Q.   Please dont tell me how I am such a horrible person or anything like that because I know I am and I know its a blessing that things worked out the way they did: I cheated on my boyfriend just shy of our 4th anniversary. First of all I want to sa...

A.   2 July 2010: There is nothing you can do. Frankly, you should end this relationship. Look through posts of people who have cheated trying to fix things. Look through posts of people who have been cheated on and can never build the trust back into the ... (read in full...)

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