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... Send *EM a private message | | | *EM's profile:I do think this site is a wonderful example of people helping people. I like the fact that you will get a variety of viewpoints in the answers here. It is then up to the poster to weigh them all when attempting to make an informed decision.
The questions I feel most qualified to answer are ones from adults ages 20 - 65. I feel too out of touch with teenage angst to be of much help, sorry to say.
If I feel I can be of help, I will provide an answer. I try to be as open minded and understanding as possible. What you will get from me is caring, constructive, advice, and occasionally a dash of wisdom from the school of hard knocks.
Here are my thoughts on some topics I discuss often:
Age Differences: Half-Your-Age-Plus-Seven Rule
How much older? How much younger? While you may enjoy the company of someone who is a lot older or younger than you, think hard about taking them as a life partner. There is an ancient rule called the half-your-age-plus-seven rule. It still works today. The older you get, the wider the age gap can be. It states: "if you halve your years then add seven, you'll have the youngest decent age for a partner; if you double your years then subtract seven, you'll have the oldest decent age for a partner.” For example, “30-year-old Jason waited for Zoe to turn 22, before he asked her out.” He knew she would be within the half-your-age-plus-seven year rule by then.
Contacting Old Flames
There are lots of ways to contact former first loves, girlfriends, boyfriends, lovers, husband and wives, today. If you are not in a committed relationship and you know the other person isn’t either, that’s okay. If either of you are in committed relationships, DO NOT DO IT. Sometimes these things start out innocently enough, but I can tell you from experience, 95% of these reconnections end very badly, and the other 5% create horrible collateral damage. The third party, the innocent husband or the wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, will be crushed. There was a reason you broke up with that person, or that person broke up with you, way back when. Sometimes people forget that when they are tripping down memory lane.
Dealing with a Broken Heart
When someone breaks up with you it hurts. Rejection always hurts. Expect to feel awful for a while. The amount of time it will take to get over the hurt depends on how much emotion and time you had invested in the relationship. Loss always takes time to grieve. How much time? Perhaps a minute or two for a lost piece of jewelry. Perhaps a year or two for a lost love. Some things you can do to help yourself:
*Change as much as you can change – Listen to new music. Go to new places. Rearrange your furniture. By new perfume, etc.
*Get some exercise – even if you don’t feel like it, get some fresh air.
*Spend time with people that lift you up. Avoid those that bring you down.
*Make new friends by pursuing your interests.
*Do not contact your ex or engage in revenge. You don’t want them to think you still care, do you?
*Living well is always the best revenge. Get on with your life and get happy again!
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Opinions on genetic inheritance?
Q. What do you think about genetic inheritance in your children s life? Me and my husband never been diagnosed with any mental illness, and we never had any substance abuse problems. But all 3 of children we have together,has one of this problems. ...
A. 10 June 2011: That's part of a long held debate - nature vs nurture. How much of who we are comes from the genes we inherited and how much comes from the environment in which we were raised?
It use to be that experts were on one side or the other. Some bel... (read in full...)
Am I being talked about? Were my pics shown to my doctor? Was my ex trying to play me? What was going on?
Q. I need advice and someone to tell me the truth. I thought I had an honest boyfriend despite the fact that he has a huge ego and works as a MD. We hit it off well then everything started to go down hill. We use to send each other sexy pics of each ...
A. 10 June 2011: There are a few things that need to be separated here. Doctors are bound by the law not to disclose patient information. Check out the HIPPA laws.
While it is not out of the question that your doctor friends violated privacy laws, the rest app... (read in full...)
How do I flirt with a very reserved man?
Q. Hi everyone ,can anyone give me some tips how to flirt with a very reserved man online ,also how can i tell if he likes me .He said i was a very nice person and i look good ,he asked me if i'm ok with emailing ,so i said yes ,he asks this question a ...
A. 8 June 2011: Jumping into flirtatious conversation can scare off someone who is reserved. Some people take longer to get to know than others. Most of the time it is worth it to move slowly. Do you have any interests in common?
He just might be a person t... (read in full...)
Where do I go from here?
Q. Ok. I'm 33 years old. I've spent the last couple years either working at my job, working on rebuilding a foreclosed home I purchased, or trying to find a GF. I wasn't spending a large amount of time on actually making friends. One thing I learned ...
A. 7 June 2011: Have you tried the local meetup groups in your area? I have a friend around your age that moved to one of the biggest US cities. He didn't want to go to bars or online dating sites. He just wanted to meet people to hang out with. The meetup ... (read in full...)
How do you forget someone after break up and move on?
Q. A fairly common question I know- what is the best way to forget someone you have been attracted to (and in love with), who no longer feels the same about you, and you have decided (by default) to move on. I still find myself thinking about h...
A. 31 May 2011: Yes, most of us have been there, and it's no picnic. You do not say how long you were involved. I am guessing this is someone you dated. Someone that broke up with you, not the other way around.
First, here's the bad news. There are no shortcut... (read in full...)
How do you put the past behind you?
Q. How can I forgive people and put the past behind?and how do I erased the feeling for him from me faster eventhough we're staying together?...
A. 23 May 2011: There's not enough here to give you an answer to the second question. I don't what feelings you have that you want to erase. My guess is there are things that bother you about the man you are currently with, and you want to know how to put those to ... (read in full...)
Can men and women be friends with the opposite sex?
Q. I am a married man. Most of my friends prior to meeting my wife were women. Because of issues relating to jealousy and competition (on the part of my wife and on the part of my female friends) all of those relationships were lost. I have not repl...
A. 23 May 2011: Generally speaking, I do believe men and women can be friends in the workplace. I know this to be true, as I have experienced it, just as you. But that is not really your question. That is not really what is bothering you.
You feel your wif... (read in full...)
Badly hurt by a married co-worker
Q. Last year I had a thing with a co-worker, whom neglected to tell me he was married. We were close friends for 6 months before it got physical for 4 more months until i realized things were sketchy and that he was married. I was in love and stupid. ...
A. 23 May 2011: He took advantage of you and lied to you. I understand that you were hurt. However, I am wondering if you ever felt angry. What he did was despicable. Did you tell him that? Did you call him on his deception and tell him off, or were you "nice" ... (read in full...)
I want to break up with him and walk away
Q. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. We've broken up twice. Both of which resulted in his undiscussed trust issues when I went away to college. Recently, we've been doing good...or so I thought. I had a girl come to ...
A. 18 May 2011: When you look out into the future, do you see him in it? Do you think he would make a good life partner? Would you want him to be the father of your children? If the answer to any of these questions is, "No" it's time to break up with him. At ... (read in full...)
Could these pills help my friend see her life as it really is and move on?
Q. I have a friend who is 57 yrs. old. She told me she is not in love with her husband and really only got married to get away from her step-dad. She now has been married for 37 years. They have two grown but needy boys. She told me she is sad all the ...
A. 18 May 2011: When someone is sad all the time, and can derive no pleasure from even those things that use to bring them joy, the person is usually depressed. Your friend was wise to see a doctor. I am sure the doctor evaluated her, diagnosed her, and prescribed ... (read in full...)
Should I let her go? My wife says she loves me but is not in love with me.
Q. My wife told me she loves me, But not in love with me. how should i react to a statment like this. She's been comming to me with these crazy idea's. Like wanting to move to FL. from MI and discussing what would happen to the kids if we were to di...
A. 13 May 2011: I would ask her if there was someone else. Staying "in love" is not the norm for a marriage of more than a few years. Passionate love settles into compassionate love. That's just the way it goes. It's not practical for people to be perpetually in ... (read in full...)
Is married man hinting for me to sleep with him?
Q. Hello, What does it mean when a married man hints to you that he is staying in a bad situation? Is he lying or telling you the truth? Does he want to sleep with you? Interested in a relationship? Wants to give you a green light to pursue him?...
A. 12 May 2011: All of the above and possibly more! I'm guessing the married man is around your age. If he has children, he may be telling himself he is staying for them. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to sleep with you, or is giving you the green light to ... (read in full...)
Just co-workers, or is there more to it?
Q. Hoping for some common sense input here. I am a female working with a guy (that's how we met about 2 years ago) who is about 9 years younger than I am. There has been some light flirting in person but he is now some 2,000 miles away so our contact ...
A. 12 May 2011: Ah, you did not say you were in the entertainment business. I can see where his type of behavior is much more tolerated - almost accepted. Good to stay on your toes and set boundaries though. If not, you might lose perceptive. I mean you might ... (read in full...)
Just co-workers, or is there more to it?
Q. Hoping for some common sense input here. I am a female working with a guy (that's how we met about 2 years ago) who is about 9 years younger than I am. There has been some light flirting in person but he is now some 2,000 miles away so our contact ...
A. 11 May 2011: Okay - you wanted common sense advice. Here it is: There are two ways to look at this, objectively, that is. It could be that he has a bit of a crush on you. It is possible that the flirting, use of endearing words, and sensitivity to criticism, ... (read in full...)
Does this mean I am being dumped or what does this man mean?
Q. I am 50 years young and a have been a widow for 2 years. I have start dating . So I meet this man 5 months ago who has been divorced for three years, he has two children age 16 and 13, he spends a lot of time wiht them, becuse the X wife's job ...
A. 10 May 2011: You've been seeing him for 5 months and have had an intimate relationship. You must have gotten to know him fairly well during this time. Unless there was an obvious negative incident during one of your dates, I think you deserve more than a text ... (read in full...)
Which of these 2 scenarios is worse?
Q. I'm Doing a bit of introspection and have a very strange hypothetical question to ask: Which is worse; A) A guy who's a great provider, not very affectionate or caring, never helps out around the house, spends hardly any time with his kids bu...
A. 10 May 2011: I had a feeling you were guy B wanting to know if your good qualities would absolve you of your indiscretions. I wouldn't take that tact in trying to win your girlfriend back, however. That's like saying, "Hey, I'm a great guy and I love you. ... (read in full...)
I'm so full of rage towards my cruel and abusive ex, I want to seek revenge. Please help.
Q. Hello all, Please can you advise. Thank you. I have recently managed to get out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Well, the relationship itself did not last long, but I was weak, and let him come back into my life for months, and he h...
A. 8 May 2011: You were used and abused. Anger is the correct response, and it's a good thing you are feeling it. It's a good thing you are expressing your rage rather than turning it inward. Anger turned inward usually turns to depression. Now you are on ... (read in full...)
Does grammar matter when people communicate today? Or is it a lost cause? What's your pet grammar issue?
Q. First off I will admit it: sometimes I mis-spell words. And another thing, sometimes when I'm in a hurry I abbreviate some words. And when I was at University I used to have the best set of abbreviations in Contract Law. If I needed to refer to ...
A. 6 May 2011: Mishmash, I absolutely agree. English is ever evolving. New words are added every year. This year OMG and LOL were added, so net lingo is making its way into the language, but that’s okay. That’s how we got words like SCUBA. It’s just easier to ... (read in full...)
Does grammar matter when people communicate today? Or is it a lost cause? What's your pet grammar issue?
Q. First off I will admit it: sometimes I mis-spell words. And another thing, sometimes when I'm in a hurry I abbreviate some words. And when I was at University I used to have the best set of abbreviations in Contract Law. If I needed to refer to ...
A. 6 May 2011: Lucy dear, please explain something to me. Why don't you capitalize the word "I" when referring to yourself? When I see lowercase "i" used as a personal pronoun, it makes me wonder if the person has low self esteem. Do you not feel important ... (read in full...)
School reunion trauma.....my husband kissed his ex while I was there!
Q. We traveled far to his 50th class reunion. His ex greeted him very affectionally.They were talking as I came up and my husband never introduced me to her or anyone else. She shoved a photo of them and said she was infatuated with my husband.At the ...
A. 6 May 2011: I know it is 50 years later and it seems impossible, but sometimes when people reconnect with a first love, they do weird things. I am not giving your husband a pass on this, however. It was rude and he hurt you. However, there may be some brain ... (read in full...)
Does grammar matter when people communicate today? Or is it a lost cause? What's your pet grammar issue?
Q. First off I will admit it: sometimes I mis-spell words. And another thing, sometimes when I'm in a hurry I abbreviate some words. And when I was at University I used to have the best set of abbreviations in Contract Law. If I needed to refer to ...
A. 6 May 2011: This is a great thread, indeed. You've all mentioned most of my pet peeves, but I have "alot" of them, so here are some more:
1. Paragraph breaks people! It's very difficult to read a long post composed entirely of one run-on sentence with a h... (read in full...)
I don't want to be interested in my professor.... but I am! Help!
Q. I recently have been working very closely with a professor at my University. During our long research periods, we have become very close and flirt like crazy. There are two problems here: 1) The obvious teacher/student thing could get him in troub...
A. 5 May 2011: You know this happens a lot, don't you? You might want to look up these two terms: Transference and Counter Transference. It's usually used to describe romantic feelings a patient has towards their analyst, but it can also be a student-teacher ... (read in full...)
How can I get past this stupid drama and move on like a mature adult?
Q. I'm struggling to forget my boyfriend's infidelity two years ago. Sure, it sounds reasonable enough, only that at the time we were referring to each other as "more like friends" and he never actually SLEPT with this girl. Since we met, we'd bee...
A. 5 May 2011: For some reason this incident triggered obsessive thinking on your part. You are doing what is called ruminating. You are running something over and over in your mind, obsessing on every detail. However, you know it is irrational, and that's a good ... (read in full...)
What if one day we have absolutely nothing in common?
Q. OK, so after near 7 months, he said, "I love you." I know just how serious this was for him, given his past and the need to be sure he was ready and meant it. He even recently said I should start leaving clothes at his place so that I can stay ...
A. 5 May 2011: I'm curious to know why silence scares you so. Silence can often mean comfort, not boredom. But if you are truly worried about having nothing to say to each other one day, ask yourself why. What is it about this relationship that makes you think ... (read in full...)
He's ten years older. When I wrote "hahaha" he didn't joke back. What do you think this means?
Q. I was chatting with the guy I like (he's ten years older) on facebook the other day. I was talking about how I got hit on by an older guy again (I got hit on before and i tried to get this guy that I like to help me out but he was busy at the time). ...
A. 5 May 2011: I think he took you seriously and thinks you are looking for an older man with money. As he is an older man (10 years) and he just might be financially stable, so now he is wary of you. He didn't think you were joking. To be honest, even though ... (read in full...)
Quick question...
Q. Say you like someone pretty early on, and you suspect they like you but don't liiiikkke you (or are undecided at that time)...Have you ever had an experience where you started to crush on someone years after you've met them or even months? Do most ...
A. 5 May 2011: Attraction is a fickle thing. It happens all sorts of ways. There is love at first sight, I have experienced that. You feel as if you have been struck. You make eye contact with this person and are almost knocked over by the emotion you feel. ... (read in full...)
This guy is complicated! Do I spend the weekend with him and have sex, with no strings attached?
Q. This guy is complicated! Do I spend the weekend with him and have sex with no emotions or strings attached? Here's the short story.... We met a couple months ago, went out a few times, he works out of town and we text everyday. I was...
A. 5 May 2011: I can understand why you are confused, so am I. I don't understand why someone like yourself - someone who is not interested in having sex with no emotion or strings, consent to having sex with no emotions or strings attached? If you are not that ... (read in full...)
I am starving from lack of affection from my husband!
Q. Hi Everyone. I have been married since June of 2007 and my husband has been out of work this entire time. Originally it was that he couldn't find work no matter where we looked (believe me, I was helping !!), but then our daughter was bor...
A. 4 May 2011: Actually, your post is not all over the place. It's quite clear. You do not feel you get the same consideration you have been giving. He thinks you do. There is an inequity here and you are wondering how to solve this problem. His denial that ... (read in full...)
Which of these 2 scenarios is worse?
Q. I'm Doing a bit of introspection and have a very strange hypothetical question to ask: Which is worse; A) A guy who's a great provider, not very affectionate or caring, never helps out around the house, spends hardly any time with his kids bu...
A. 4 May 2011: This is like choosing how you would like to be executed. Firing Squad? Guillotine? Electric Chair? Seriously, neither choice is very appealing, but I'll play along.
They are both great providers, so the first points cancel each other out. Wh... (read in full...)
He wants to marry me because I don't have any 'baggage'! Am I right to be insulted?
Q. It would be really great if I could get some responses from anyone who has actually been through a divorce and then remarried. I jokingly asked my boyfriend about three weeks before our engagement party why he’s sure he wants to marry me and he s...
A. 4 May 2011: That statement says more about his character than anything about you. It is not an insult to you. What he is telling you is that he is too possessive to marry someone who has any close bonds (i.e. an ex with a child) to anyone else.
When ... (read in full...)
Crushing on someone I hardly know...but I'm already in a relationship.
Q. I've been in a committed, 4-year relationship with my boyfriend, and though we've had our ups and downs, we've loved each other the whole time. Sometimes I feel like we're more companions than lovers. I recently met a guy briefly, but he'...
A. 4 May 2011: I'll take a stab at this and say that you have a crush on this guy because of what is missing in your current relationship. You said it yourself - you feel more like a companion than a lover to your current boyfriend. That means the passion has ... (read in full...)
Girlfriend of 5 years wants a break to figure out what she wants....I'm confused!
Q. I am confused on the whole situation and am just looking for some advice. Basically, my gf wants to take a break for a little bit, mainly to figure out what she wants, and if the opportunity arises, she might date. We've been together for 5+ ...
A. 19 April 2011: These two things don't go together: a) she tells me I am the one for her and b) if the opportunity arises, she might date.
These two things don't go together a)she wants to be together and she wants to marry me and b)she really just put it out t... (read in full...)
Do I try again to work it out with my husband, or focus on the new great guy I am dating?
Q. So my situation is... I was married for four years. not all of them happy but the person I married I was basically in love with since i was 16 years old. Now that I am 24 things in our lives are obviously different than they use to be. We have a ...
A. 19 April 2011: This is so hard to answer (I can see why you wrote in). I am going to have to go against conventional wisdom here. I'm not going to tell you to try and work it out with your husband. You've tried that several times, and the result was that, after ... (read in full...)
What am I supposed to do, if his sexual dysfunction remains a mystery?
Q. What should I do, if my husband doesn't know, why he has no sexual desire for me? Also, why he is always losing his erection ,when we have finally sex.He says sex is wiped out from his mind... Where I'm confused, that he went to the doctor,and h...
A. 19 April 2011: You've already gone to the doctor, so that's a good start. You've ruled out a physical reason for the problem. I think you might now want to look for a psychological reason. One of the first things to go in people with depression is libido. They... (read in full...)
Is the change menopause, or has she fallen out of love?
Q. The past few weeks, I have been getting a sinking feeling that my wife of 14 years is going to leave our relationship. The first 13 and a half years were amazing, hardly any arguing and a closeness that other couples would admire, and sometimes ...
A. 18 April 2011: She's too young for menopause. There would be other symptoms like hot flashes, etc. No, the average age for menopause is 52, (+ or - 5 years) making the range 47 - 57, so I think you can rule that one out.
Mid-life crisis, however, that's a... (read in full...)
Question about dating and sex in the later years.
Q. I'm a woman of 78 who has been alone a number of years. I joined a Senior Dating site recently. Now, this guy who's 68 contacted me. He is looking for a friend and a lover and asked me if I was interested. His first question to me was I still ...
A. 16 April 2011: You ask some tough questions. I'll deal with the easy one first. If you have sex a condom is a must. It is your protection against sexually transmitted disease, which happens to be very much on the rise among senior citizens. Google "STDs and ... (read in full...)
Was she ever truly in love with me? Did she only want a trip to Ireland?
Q. Hi All, i really would love someones commenst or opinion on this matter, see what people think, just over a year ago i met a girl online, well she saw my ad on a site and contacted me, and we exchanged e mails and letters and such until we met on ...
A. 16 April 2011: This is probably for the best, although you might not think that right now. Someone that runs as hot and cold as this girl is not a good bet for a life partner. I think you actually avoided disaster here. I don't think she used you for a trip. I ... (read in full...)
I fell for a coworker, but now that I've left I'm hesitant to contact him.
Q. I started to fall in love with a man I used to work with. I have now left. Before leaving we both knew we were strongly attracted but did nothing about it. After nearly a year, I still thinking about him continuously. Despite him asking for m...
A. 16 April 2011: I feel as if there is more to this than what you have written. However, I will go with what you have presented here. You have been thinking about him for a year and you are wondering if those feeling are reciprocated on his part. You are wondering ... (read in full...)
Recently discovered my BF is looking to hook up with men. I don't know what to do.
Q. My boyfriend and I have been going out for quite some time.(3.5 years) Recently when i looked at the computers history I noticed he was looking at M4M ads on craigslist(maleformale) This disgusted me so much, but I was even more disgusted when I saw ...
A. 15 April 2011: I know this is a horrible shock, but I'm sorry sweetie, you must leave him. In a way, it's good you found out fairly early in the game. He's cruising for gay hookups. This is really an unhealthy situation for you.
I'm no expert here, but I'm ... (read in full...)
How right is it to lie in order to meet your gf/bf?
Q. I am 22 years old. I have just finished college and now I'm back in my hometown. During my last year there, I got into a relationship with a guy who belongs to that city but is now doing an internship near to my hometown. He plans to visit me soon. ...
A. 14 April 2011: If you both want to be married some day (and it can't be too far off judging by your age) your parents are going to have to meet him at some point. You risk harming your relationship with your parents if you meet him on the sly, when he is in your ... (read in full...)
How right is it to lie in order to meet your gf/bf?
Q. I am 22 years old. I have just finished college and now I'm back in my hometown. During my last year there, I got into a relationship with a guy who belongs to that city but is now doing an internship near to my hometown. He plans to visit me soon. ...
A. 14 April 2011: Do not go against your code of ethics here. This is a recipe for regret. Why is it so necessary for you to lie to see this man? I'm not sure why you can't tell your parents.
If his intentions are as pure as he says they are, he should have no ... (read in full...)
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