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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Why has my friend stopped talking to me?
Q. okay well my friend and i talk about everything together but for some stupid reason hes ignoring me. For no reason wat so ever. It makes no sense whenever i trace my steps in the story. What is going on? well i have been talking to this guy he ...
A. 19 August 2010: There comes a point when you just need to give someone space. He'll come around. Do try to talk to him. I know some people who don't do well with conversation, but it is also the only way to really express what you're feeling. Written words ... (read in full...)
Why has my friend stopped talking to me?
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Q. When my boyfriend says he'll call me this time and once when it gets close to the time he either says give me 5min and once when his 5min r up he says he's not going to call it happens often I get mad and fusterated at him for doing that. Do u think ...
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I just want him to be my best friend again, what can I do about my feelings for him?
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Do you think he's angry with me?
Q. My ex "friends with benefits" i guess you could call him was talking to me the other day and asked if i was dating anybody, he has a new gf which is why we are no longer sleeping together, i said i was dating somebody and he asked if it was serious ...
A. 18 August 2010: You can't in my book. If you really love them, you won't cheat on them.... (read in full...)
Please get out of my head!
Q. Hey Everyone. So I really just need som advice on how to get a boy off of my mind. I made the huge mistake of becoming friends with a boy who is a complete player and will try to convince girl into doing things that they arnt ready for. I was one ...
A. 18 August 2010: *note, telling people how not to reply isn't really how asking advice works.
Don't worry about your concerns though, I think you've handled yourself pretty well so far. You found yourself in a situation you weren't comfortable with and ended it... (read in full...)
Should I have sex with him or move on?
Q. I have been dating a guy for two months now. We are going well and he is recently pestering me for penetrative sex. We have played before but I keep turning him down for full on sex. He is annoyed and says that our relationship has progressed to the ...
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Lied to girlfriend about smoking
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She won't have sex. I'm tempted to cheat
Q. Hi, I really need some help here. Me and my girlfried have been going out for nearly 2 years (we are both 16) And she has yet to give me a blowjob or sex. I have tried to talk to her about it several times but she said she isn't ready for sex. S...
A. 18 August 2010: Don't worry dude, I'm not going to pile it on saying you're selfish, I don't think that's the case. The thing that you need to focus on is that she isn't ready. The promising to do it and backing out is a clear sign of that. There is too much ... (read in full...)
She thinks we're friends, but ...
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In Love with a Friend--How to Confess?
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Am I overeacting for being angry when he doesn't call after saying he will?
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Dimples of Venus - Cute or Weird?
Q. Hey everyone! How's it going? Really quick question: I've got butt dimples (A.K.A dimples of venus). At first I thought I had some sort of severe, tragic accident when I was younger and the two dimples were "battle scars". Now that I've grown up...
A. 18 August 2010: Pictures please so I can judge if they are cute or not.
Just kidding. Please don't post pictures. Honestly, I don't often get a good look at my partner's naked bottom. Usually when we're both naked, I've got a hand on it or we'r... (read in full...)
Girls, what does it mean when my wife takes her sexiest panties for a girls weekend?
Q. My wife recently went for a weekend girls trip to Atlantic City. Her girlfriend is recently divorced and is on sort of a sexual rampage, where she has had sex with lots of men in what I would consider immoral circumstances (married guys, MMF, ...
A. 18 August 2010: That's awesome to hear, and thank you for the follow up. I'm very glad for you. I often think that the little things mean more than big displays like flowers and stuff. I'm glad they're working for you. I hope that you can keep it up and things ... (read in full...)
Does enjoying anal sex make me GAY??
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A. 18 August 2010: No, being attracted to men makes you gay. Are you attracted to men?
FWIW, many straight men enjoy anal play. It's because the prostate is very sensitive and stimulation of it can give us an orgasm. Maybe instead of a dildo, see if your wife wil... (read in full...)
Why has my friend stopped talking to me?
Q. okay well my friend and i talk about everything together but for some stupid reason hes ignoring me. For no reason wat so ever. It makes no sense whenever i trace my steps in the story. What is going on? well i have been talking to this guy he ...
A. 18 August 2010: Yup, he probably liked you and is upset because you're slipping away, and to someone he doesn't like. If he's talking to you about his FWB's though, he probably realizes that it's a lost cause for him right now and has moved on. He wanted you to ... (read in full...)
I booked a 3-month trip to Jamaica while I was single. Now I'm in a relationship and I need advice. Help!
Q. I'll try to keep this short. Basically, thanks to America's lovely financial aid system loopholes I was able to spend my spring '10 semester--my 2nd semester of college--in Africa at no cost to me. In fact, I came back with $1500 more than what I ...
A. 18 August 2010: I'd go. Plain and simple. If I were him, I'd be upset, but I'd also understand. If he cares about you, he should want what's best for you, regardless of if that means you not being with him.
You're young and sound like you've got a good hea... (read in full...)
I'm completely in love with my BF... but I can't stop hooking up with other men!!
Q. Sorry for the long comment- I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now and i'm completely inlove with him- i think. when i think about him it's wonderful, and i love kissing him and he has the sweetest eyes. The problem is that i often ...
A. 18 August 2010: Quit being so selfish and quit hurting your BF. If you loved him you wouldn't be doing this shit. Plain and simple.
He's your everything, but you can't even be faithful to him? Really? You don't want to lose him but you cheat on him multiple... (read in full...)
Can any men give me some insight to this please?
Q. My bf Anthony is acting strange...hes 15yrs older so I can't really guess why having noo experience with men his age :p I've known him six months and he told me he was forced to live with his folks because of the bad economic situation. But, I've ...
A. 18 August 2010: He sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.
OR
He's under a lot of stress and doesn't know how to deal with it properly.
OR
He's bipolar or clinically depressed and undiagnosed, and it is causing drastic mood swings.
OR
... (read in full...)
Do you think he's angry with me?
Q. My ex "friends with benefits" i guess you could call him was talking to me the other day and asked if i was dating anybody, he has a new gf which is why we are no longer sleeping together, i said i was dating somebody and he asked if it was serious ...
A. 18 August 2010: Well done! I'm happy that you've taken that step. ... (read in full...)
Does he want to be with me or just hook up?
Q. Ok so I apologize if this is a bit long.. I have been talking to this guy for about a month and we have hung out like once a week. We usually hang out at his house and just lay around watching tv or a movie. At first we just made out and stuff. L...
A. 18 August 2010: Don't have sex with him until you know. The more you hang out, the more you can get a feeling for the direction you're going. I think he likes you, but his hesitancy is a bit of a test. If you sleep with him anyway, you've now intered into the ... (read in full...)
I just want him to be my best friend again, what can I do about my feelings for him?
Q. ok so me and my best friend (a guy...he's bi) have known eachother for like 6 yrs and were really really close. weve always hung out around once a week, sometimes twice and always spend hours and hours just hanging out. weve spent almost the whole ...
A. 18 August 2010: As a friend you have to be happy for him, even when it pains you to do so. I think your friend Michelle was correct in her observations and you missed the boat. Now that he's in a relationship, that's taking up the majority of his time. They're ... (read in full...)
He went behind my back how do I get over it?
Q. What do you do when you really love your partner, who you've been with for many many years.. and he is crazy about you, but has decieved you? My boyfriend deceived me last year. He had a friend of many years, who he was confiding in. I was very ...
A. 18 August 2010: I was thinking of an answer until I read what Cerberus posted. He said it all.
He had an emotional affair at a minimum. I don't think it is petty of you to feel the way you do. The question that you have to ask yourself is if you think you can ... (read in full...)
Girlfriend pregnant and having intimacy issues
Q. Intimacy issues..... My girlfriend has been having issues about being intimate with me. She has not been her self recently and she has let it get to a point where she does not feel the intimacy with me anymore. She loves me and wants to be w...
A. 18 August 2010: I'm thinking that the pregnancy has something to do with what's going on here. When women are pregnant, their bodies are giving off tons of hormones. This can make them act quite crazy or at a minimum, way out of their norm. (this is not meant to ... (read in full...)
I can see he won't be a good husband!
Q. I want 2 dump my bf because we always fighting, but the problem is that, i love him so much and i can see that he wont be a good husband 2 me,and i dont knw wt can i do 2 dump him plz help?...
A. 18 August 2010: Yup, just tell him you're leaving. Then the thing you have to do is actually leave.... (read in full...)
He said he wanted to take a "step back" and now I don't hear from him at all
Q. My boyfriend broke up with me 5 days ago. He said that he has a lot to deal with right now and that he's in a stressed/depressed mood and will be for a couple weeks. He doesn't want to drag me along with his problems and stress, because that won't ...
A. 18 August 2010: Never never never have this kind of conversation via text.
What he's doing is a cop out in my book. It could mean that he needs a couple of weeks to deal with a whole bunch of shit that just piled on, but at the same time, since you're in an LD... (read in full...)
Is it right that I want to put my education/career ahead of him? He cheated on me!
Q. Sorry for the length of this. I was with my boyfriend for just over a year. We have always been long distance and so have never known any different. I gave up my job to be able to fly back and forth to him. He cant travel as much because hes in t...
A. 18 August 2010: The right choice is the one that will make you the happiest. To me, it sounds like going to University and taking charge of your future is where your heart is at.
I have a very negative view of both cheaters and LDR's, so I won't comment on that ... (read in full...)
My brother walked in on me!
Q. I had bought some lingerie at victoria secrets and I was trying it on in my room and my brother happened to walk in and see me in it and made a comment. It was kinda weird. He told me I looked good in it. Is that suppose to be flattering or ...
A. 18 August 2010: Older or younger brother?
Take it as a compliment from someone who was shocked. Still, I'd keep an eye on him. I've seen some posts on here that always leave a question in my head. It was very likely nothing other than an embarrassing accident... (read in full...)
What is it about receiving head that men like so much???
Q. A friend and I were talking about oral sex and we were puzzled as to what "makes it good" for a man? So, here is my question what is it about receiving head that men like so much??? What makes it good?? and why?...
A. 17 August 2010: Well, it feels amazing. The things that can be done with the tongue can give us stimulation that we can't get any other way.
It is extremely intimate and shows acceptance of a very important part of our anatomy. Many womeny shy away from the... (read in full...)
Tattoos... a turn on or a turn off?
Q. Help, i find tattoo's a real turn off my gf is planning on getting one, im worried it would make me feel less attracted to her tattoo's i dont mind on other people, i keep my opinion to myself unless asked on what i think about tattoo's in g...
A. 17 August 2010: Well, everyone has their hangups I guess. What's your question? I don't really see one here, more of a venting.
I'm neutral on tattoos personally. Some can be awesome, some ugly, it all depends on the person. At least you realize it is her b... (read in full...)
I'm not sure if I should meet this guy alone or not.
Q. I'm not sure if i should meet this guy alone or not. My friend must have told him about me, my friend is female, by the way, because she said he kept asking her to ask me to meet up with them both. she also said that he really likes me, and he said ...
A. 17 August 2010: I don't think it can hurt. He's known your mutual friend long enough for her to feel comfortable around him. She's playing match maker, and that can be dangerous, but I think she honestly thinks she's helping both of you.
If you meet him, do ... (read in full...)
In love after only 2 weeks???
Q. Is it possible to be in love after only 2 weeks? We have been some what friends for 2 months and started dating and have completely fallen for each other. We feel connected in so many ways. We feel as though we have known each other forever. It ...
A. 17 August 2010: What you're feeling is infatuation. It doesn't surprise me, but actually you've known eachother longer, so this could have been brewing for a while. 2 months is way different than 2 weeks. I think after a couple of months, it is completely ... (read in full...)
Do you think he's angry with me?
Q. My ex "friends with benefits" i guess you could call him was talking to me the other day and asked if i was dating anybody, he has a new gf which is why we are no longer sleeping together, i said i was dating somebody and he asked if it was serious ...
A. 17 August 2010: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/he-has-a-girlfriend-now-so-what-does.html
He's angry because he lost his fuck buddy. I thought we established that. He doesn't care about you since he's not getting in your pants anymore. He is a player.... (read in full...)
Getting a blow job while asleep...
Q. Hai Everyone out there... Im really curious and excited about getting a blowjob asleep, Me and my GF have discussed it and she really would like to wake me up with a blowjob, but she asked me a question, that "If I give you a blowjob while yo...
A. 17 August 2010: Yes, ever had morning wood? Honestly, if she does wake you up this way, I don't think you'll be asleep very long. You've found a keeper in her, don't blow it!... (read in full...)
Why have I got such low self esteem?
Q. HELP! - Why have I got such low self esteem and panic so much? I have always been a worrier - but lately I so much worry about EVERYTHING!! - I am beginning to hate myself - I worry about my frizzy hair (that is always frizzy no matter what I ...
A. 17 August 2010: You worry too much. There, simple right? LoL
I'm sorry, that was a bad joke. There is no easy fix here. I think you need to change your fundimental view of the world. I'm a bit of a worrier too. I tend to overthink the simple, and then I e... (read in full...)
What can I do to let her know I still care for her?
Q. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago because I was unfaithful. We still speak regularly and have remained close even in this difficult time. Just last night I brought a television stand to her house, put it together, ad set her ...
A. 17 August 2010: OP, I've gone back and read your other post along with your personal statement. I find your goals admirable, and I sincerely hope you can impliment the change you're seeking. If you are being truthful about your motivations for changing, then it ... (read in full...)
What can I do to let her know I still care for her?
Q. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago because I was unfaithful. We still speak regularly and have remained close even in this difficult time. Just last night I brought a television stand to her house, put it together, ad set her ...
A. 17 August 2010: Fair enough. I've written about change many times, and was going with the simple answer here. Since you've followed up, I guess I'll explain my view again.
People can only change when they want to for themselves. Change for any reason other th... (read in full...)
Do virgins turn guys off?
Q. I'm 18 years old and I'm still a virgin. The guy that I've been talking to just asked if i am or not, and I'm scared that things will change between us or he will think of me differently when i tell him that i am. I'm not "saving myself" for ...
A. 17 August 2010: No, it wouldn't be for me at least. I'm just not the "saving myself for marriage" type though, so if that were the case, i wouldn't waste my time.
It can be intimidating. Nice guys will want to make sure you're fully ready and in love. A... (read in full...)
Do I have a reason to be annoyed at my boyfriend's dad for scamming the system?
Q. I have have boyfriend I love dearly but his family really ticks me off. Or I say he and his family get on my nerves. He always bragged about his childhood when he was back in his country when they vacationed in these nice resorts and on christmas ...
A. 17 August 2010: Please check the response from the first time you posted the question.... (read in full...)
My husband wants me to dump my friend!!
Q. So two years ago, when my husband was just my boyfriend back in the day, we both had this friend, "Angel" something happened and she ended up threatening to beat up my husbands two younger sisters. Right from the get go of that incident I told each ...
A. 17 August 2010: Now that you're married, your husband's family is your family too. The threats Angel gave were to YOUR sisters. I don't believe that anyone has the right to tell someone else who they can or cannot be friends with, however when in a committed ... (read in full...)
Do I deserve better?
Q. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. Our 5 year anniversary meant nothing to him. He told me that. He never even remembered even though he knew it was a big deal to me. I'm going back to Uni soon and he's never ...
A. 17 August 2010: He's an asshole. Nobody diserves to be to be treated that way. Send him packing!... (read in full...)
I'm doubting whether or not this guy is for me!!
Q. Hi. I need advice. I've been with my bf for 5 years..and i do love him. He has his idiosyncracies of course but overall i know he's a good guy and loves me very much. He'd do anything for me and he's told me so. My family tho lately seems to ...
A. 17 August 2010: Unfortunately your answer can only come from within. You need to ask yourself how he makes you feel? Do you like being with him? Can you picture your future together?
Sometimes outside observers can see things that we can't, this is true. B... (read in full...)
What can I do to let her know I still care for her?
Q. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago because I was unfaithful. We still speak regularly and have remained close even in this difficult time. Just last night I brought a television stand to her house, put it together, ad set her ...
A. 17 August 2010: People don't change. If hmm92 is right, then you're a multiple offense cheater proving my point.
Honestly OP, you sound like a nice guy on some level, but once the trust in a relationship is destroyed, it takes years and years to build back. I... (read in full...)
What can I do to let her know I still care for her?
Q. My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago because I was unfaithful. We still speak regularly and have remained close even in this difficult time. Just last night I brought a television stand to her house, put it together, ad set her ...
A. 17 August 2010: Back off. I know you want to help because you care for her, but all it will do is make things harder for her. If you cared for her, you wouldn't have cheated, and then you could be there for her. You can't have both. Sometimes we have to live ... (read in full...)
Girls, what does it mean when my wife takes her sexiest panties for a girls weekend?
Q. My wife recently went for a weekend girls trip to Atlantic City. Her girlfriend is recently divorced and is on sort of a sexual rampage, where she has had sex with lots of men in what I would consider immoral circumstances (married guys, MMF, ...
A. 16 July 2010: Can't give the ladies perspective, but I'd tend to trust her, since she hasn't given you a real reason not to. The sexy panties are a bit of a concern, but really, not that big a deal. Anyway, I hope some of the ladies here can shed some more ... (read in full...)
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