A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out my girlfriend had been lying to me, which hurt a lot at first. I wrote her an email telling her I found out and she didn't get back for a few days, so I thought it was over. I am an extrovert I need people around me to talk with during tough time, for my own mental health. So I talked to a few people, and even replied to a personal ad (one email with a face picture, nothing scandalous. Then we never talked again). A few days later she got back to me and we reconciled and I actually feel really happy and excited about us now because we got through it. Now I feel guilty though for airing out our personal stuff (only to a few people) but I needed to talk because I was getting depressed. My mind tells me I have nothing to feel guilty about because I did nothing wrong, I was just hurt and trying to cope. But I love her and am worried she will be embarassed or something. Just would like some outside feedback on why I feel bad for helping myself.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Both previous posts where spot on. Just remember, humans are social animals by talking to others about our problems, fears etc. and getting outside opinions about these things. Well that's how we all make sense of our lives.
Just look at what happens people who can't or don't have anyone to talk to.
Just make sure when you vent, they're the right people to vent to, that you're safe venting to them and they will neither judge nor act on what you tell them.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): i also forgot to mention. I replied to the personal because i thought we were ended. In my email i said get back asap if you want to work on it. Because it took a few days to reply i assumed she read it and didn't want to work on it. I wasnt trying to have an emotional affair or anything like that
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Communication and trust is probably the most important factor within a relationship. The fact that your girlfriend lied to begin with, is a huge red flag. And she should never do it agin, if this relationshp is going to make it. If you care enough for her and it sounds like you do, you need to sit down with her and let her know that lying is a 'no-go' in your relationship.
Now about your feelings of guilt? Do you feel guilty because you perhaps, went a tad overboard and said angry, disparaging things about her to these other people? Do these people know your gf, as well? When a lot of us feel hurt and confused, at the moment, we need to vent..I do understand that.The problem I see with venting to others who may know her, is you could've 'planted' the seed of resentment towards her, within them. Will they accept her and respect her, in the future. You may have to go back to them and communicate, that what you said about her was spoken out of hurt and confusion, on your part. But it may be difficult to change their opinion of her. Let this be a life lesson. Next time, your relationship runs into a problem, use some caution and maturity, and wait it out, then speak to her, privately.
Now, do you also feel guilty because, you sought out comfort by emailing another woman? You made an error in judgement, you trying to involve a 3rd party in your life, simply to ease your hurt, Look it, when some of us feel hurt, we feel rejected, we try to soothe our pain by proving to ourselves, we can attract another person into our life. Nothing happened, I suggest you let this go. You would've had much larger problems, if it had.
My suggestion is for you to sit and tell your gf that lying is unacceptable in a relationship. It shatters trust and the strong foundation a relationship needs to be built on. If you have forgiven her then let her know a good base to any relationship involves open, honest communication and accept nothing less. Good luck to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): It was just close friends, my mom, and anonymous ppl like this site.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): It's completely natural to feel gulity about this, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. A lot of people need help or guidence or even just someone to listen to them when they go through a tough time. At times like these it is often hard to see them being resolved and sorted out, although once they are people generally wonder what all of their fuss was about.
Having someone telling you not to feel guilty probably won't help immensely, but there is truly nothing wrong. A lot of people regret things that they may have done when they were stressed, but the simple fact is that they can't change it. You needed someone to know about it, so you told someone - that's no crime. It's better that things happened that way than you went through it alone, and - as you say - only a few close friends know.
It is true that she may feel slightly embarrassed, but she's probably been in a similar situation before and told friends about things she wouldn't otherwise share - she'll understand why you did what you did, and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Xx
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Ultimately it depends on who you told. If you only vented to people you trust and who are in your "support" network, i don't see any problem with that. We all need to vent to people sometimes, but sometimes if we tell the wrong person it can really come back to haunt us. So the answer to your question lies more in who you told.
...............................
|
