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*irtball agony aunt

*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

_____________________________________________

I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

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Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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Need another perspective on this relationship

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I can only climax when I masturbate, would this take a long time for my boyfriend to learn?

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Need advice on enhancing my bustline.

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Why do I need to lie just to get my ex to talk to me again?

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I like one of my best friend's ex girlfriends. Do I act on it?

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He's blackmailing me since I broke up with him...

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A.   16 August 2010: I think C.Grant is right. You need to talk to your parents about this. They may not even want to know what he's blackmailing you about, but if you take the lead you can take away his power. Right now he's holding secrets over your head, and thre... (read in full...)

In love with my stepdaughter...

Q.   I recently slept with my step daughter, she's 20 i'm 40 and now have these deep, deep feelings of love for her and everything I try to I can't get her out of my heart, she has mentioned to other family members that she has feelings for me as well. ...

A.   16 August 2010: The way I look at it is it all depends on when you met. How old was she when you married her mother? If she was 18 or something, then I think you finish your divorce and see where it goes. If she was a child, then this is indeed a bit disturbing. ... (read in full...)

Why do I always go for the older man?

Q.   I feel troubled. I can't seem to get attracted to men my own age or near it. I actually feel repulsed sometimes when they try and flirt with me. I try and feel something, anything but no go. I'd never go for someone twice my age or anything, but for ...

A.   16 August 2010: That may just be your thing. While it is a bit unusual, that doesn't make it wrong. You're an adult now, and that makes a difference too. It's funny because a 5 year age gap when someone is 15 is too much, but a 15 year age gap when someone is 18 ... (read in full...)

A question about precum?

Q.   This is probably a rhetorical question but is there any way to control precum? I seem to be getting it even just when kissing with my girlfriend, it can get to a point where it can be a bit embarrassing....

A.   16 August 2010: I've never learned of any ways to control it. Have you tried masturbating before you get together? This may reduce what you have brewing and thereby the precum as well. I don't know if it will work, but it's an idea. Everyone is differen... (read in full...)

She's 15, I'm 21, I know its wrong but I like her!

Q.   Hey im 21 im a guy...im not a retard i dont do crap that isnt wrong...i work im just a good guy but the problem is that i really like a girl and the thing is she is 15 we click so well and i know its illegal and to me its wrong but the fact that i ...

A.   16 August 2010: My father was a probation officer for the last 20 years. His case load was made up primarily of sex offenders just like you will end up being if you stay in this relationship. She is a child, the sooner you see her that way, the better it will be ... (read in full...)

He's got sex on the brain and I'm wanting a more respectful kind of relationship

Q.   I've started seeing someone I care hugely for. We have become almost best friends as well as lovers. The problem is he has sex on the brain. I'm not sure if I was equally sex obsessed at the beginning but have now changed into wanting more ...

A.   16 August 2010: I sincerely doubt he sees you only as a sex object. Don't worry about him censoring himself, as long as he can freely express himself with you about most things. The most important part of sexual activity is that both partners feel comfortable and ... (read in full...)

My Gf is friends with her ex behind my back am I too jealous?

Q.   My Gf still have feelings for her ex. we where fighting at some point and she cheated with her ex and then went back with me without telling me she had cheated then went back to the ex and broke up with me asking me to hold on and wait for her..I ...

A.   13 August 2010: No, you should dump her. She is likely still cheating on you with him. Why you took her back in the first place is beyond me. Leave her and find someone who makes you happy. She doesn't diserve to be with you.... (read in full...)

Writing a goodbye letter to the one that you love

Q.   My partner and I are splitting up in a few weeks. I want to write him a heartfelt letter saying goodbye. we still love eachother but our situations have changed. we're both moving onto new phases in our lives. ive never been good with words and s...

A.   13 August 2010: Make an outline of the things you want to cover. Write a sentence or two about each thing. Keep it simple and clear. I wouldn't go over 2 pages. Maybe talk about some of the things you'll miss. Talk about the things you'll always remember... (read in full...)

How do I know that he is the right guy for me?

Q.   i just graduated from high school and i just got hooked up with this guy. he says he likes me and i like him to but how do i know that he is the right guy for me?...

A.   13 August 2010: Go on some dates. See if you like him. You usually know pretty quickly if there is something there. It's a feeling you'll have. Just don't rush into sex. Take your time there. If the relationship gets to that point where you both love ... (read in full...)

He's got sex on the brain and I'm wanting a more respectful kind of relationship

Q.   I've started seeing someone I care hugely for. We have become almost best friends as well as lovers. The problem is he has sex on the brain. I'm not sure if I was equally sex obsessed at the beginning but have now changed into wanting more ...

A.   13 August 2010: Have you expressed this to him? That would be a great start for you. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. If you've found someone with whom you're that compatible, that's awesome, on all the levels you've mentioned. I thi... (read in full...)

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