A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a long story. I've been married for 4 yrs. I love my husband dearly but about every 2 months or so I get a gut feeling that something isn't right and start snooping. Every time i snoop i always either find text messages to other women or pics of women on his phone. I confront him about it and he apologizes and then promises he won't do it again. Next couple of months the cycle repeats itself. I have threatened to leave him and he always finds a way to make me stay. About 2 yrs ago i found out that he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship,before we were married. He claims the texts and pics are only to see if "he still has it",whatever that means. He knows how much it hurts me when he does does stuff like that but yet he can't seem to stop. What should i do? I'm tired of feeling disrespected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain, i just wanna say thank you to everyone that replied. I've known for awhile that i need to leave. I guess i just needed to hear it from a neutral third party.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Hi, sorry you're going through this. I kinda know how you might be feeling. I was with my bf for 9 years, and for the last 2 years, he was doing the same thing. He was telling me he wanted us to settle down, get married and have kids, I felt in my guts that something was wrong...the only way to find out was to snoop, and I was right. I confronted him, forgave him, we worked at our relationship, but he did it again...and again. I really loved him, but it had to end because feeling like I needed to snoop meant I couldn't trust him. I left him, was sad, angry, and now, one year on, I'm started to feel better. In fact, my friends have all asked if I have a new bf because I seem much happier-I don't, but I do feel better because I'm not constantly worrying about what is going on behind my back, how to prove it, and how to deal with the consequences. I guess you have two choices: 1. stay with him in the knowledge that this cycle will continue...but with the constant worry that he may be in relationships with other women, which could lead to him leaving you and your son anyway; 2. be strong, make the break. you deserve better. children pick up on it if things aren't great between their parents and I would imagine that if you did break up, your son would still be able to see/have a relationship with both his mum and dad, but his mum would be happier? It's a tough choice, but you really don't deserve to be treated so disrespectfully, and from experience, I think it is unlikely he will change his behaviour. It will hurt, but you will heal, and you will find someone who loves you so much that they would never betray your trust. x
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 August 2010):
 I don't think he's likely to change because he really has no reason to want to. He gets away with it every time. I completely understand wanting to keep things together for your child, but when the child is the only thing keeping people together, the parents will often start to resent that child for keeping them in a continually unhappy situation. Be careful what you use as motivation for sticking with him.
FWIW, I don't think he told these women he was married. If he's testing to see "if he still has it," then he is doing that as a single man. Yet more lies.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 August 2010):
 This may be your only problem but it sure is a biggie. No he isn't going to change, he'll just lie some more and get better and better at hiding stuff from you. It's your call if you want to stay and put up with this shit. As far as ever trusting a man ever again, I think you need to know that there are men out there that have honor and integrity and know how to treat a lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I feel that I do need to leave because a person only does what you allow them to do to you. Its just a lot easier to say i'm leaving,than to actually do it. We do have a 9 yr old son together that i don't want torn between 2 homes. The last pics i found on his phone was a few wks ago. I didn't say anything to him just to see if he would confess. He didn't...and when i finally said something to him,he had already erased the pics and swore up & down that i'm crazy because he stopped doing that a long time ago. He claims he has hurt me enough & learned his lesson. YEA RIGHT. I know what i saw. Whenever i call the women they swear they had no idea he's married, which i think is a lie. I feel these women are just like him...they just don't care that he's married. Even if i leave him,i don't think i'll be able to ever trust another man. If he would just stop doing this, we would have a great marriage. This is the only problem that we have. Does anyone think he'll ever change or how do i ever learn to trust anyone? I'm not naive but i would have never thought in a million yrs that he would 'cheat'. Because he isn't sleeping with them he doesn't think it's cheating. I strongly disagree.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): His excuse is absolutely LAME. Don't take that from him. You've already wasted four years with this guy, it's time to pack up and ship out. It'll get better from there on.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 August 2010):
Your marriage is a sham. He obviously doesn't have a clue or care that his behavior is hardly within the bounds of marriage. Show him the door. At least you've only wasted 4 years on the idiot.
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female
reader, Black diamond20 +, writes (12 August 2010):
See he knows you are not going anywhere.how i know?because he always tells you something to win you back see when you always finding out about sneaky things he's doing and you continue to stay he will always have this thought in his head"she's not going anywhere"but i do believe he does feel sorry but not enough to stop hurting you try this plan something for you and him can do atleast 4 days out the week dinner one night,movie the next ,beach the next ctc.somethig thats going to have you two out for a while that way he wont have time for them and you will feel more secure let me know how it went..ps dont always take the other women so easy call them if u have to they may not know he is married..bye!
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female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (12 August 2010):
 A marriage is monogamous. Simple as. Your husband has no right keeping/having texts or pictures of other women on his phone, computer, bottom drawer..anywhere! Many married men want to see if they 'still have it', which bascially means do they still have the gift to flirt and attract women, like they did when they were single.
If the cycle is repeating itself, your husband is just going to repeat himself. You need to break the cycle. The next time you find something dodgy that you dont like, tell him your leaving for some space. Get a hotel, stay at a friends house whatever, dont tell your husband where you are going, just tell him your going because your not happy. If you continue to tell your husband about these findings and then just accepting his answer/ecxuse, he will continue to do it. If you suddenly walk out the door, he may be a bit alarmed and realise he has to change, because you may not come back. (Don't tell him when you'll be back).
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female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (12 August 2010):
 You are been disrespected because you are letting him! Everytime you let something go or forgive him it just sends him the message that you are a push over and he can walk all over you which is sooo wrong! You need to be strong and give him one last chance make it clear to him that it really is his last chance and if he messes it up then you be strong and you leave as he is not going to change and clearly does not care about you enough! i hope this helps =]
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male
reader, james8800  +, writes (12 August 2010):
not to be rude he dosent respect you and you dont deserve to be treated like this u have be loyal to him so maybe its take that u leave him let him understand how it feels when u leave him hope this helps
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