A
female
age
36-40,
*citer
writes:The other day I was going into my history because I was searching for a holiday and forgot the website I found one on. My partner and I share the laptop and while I was in the history I was shocked and disgusted to see a free pornographic website that has been visited, and every day since. I feel terrible that I have noticed this and I wish I hadnt - I have never looked at his phone and completely trust him usually, but im really upset by this. am I not good enough for him? I dont know why but it makes me sick to my stomach. I can't stand women going through their partners phone so please dont judge me. I feel terrible and sick and now I dont know what to do :( please help.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I think you're feeling guilty about checking the history on your shared computer and talking about how you'd never check his phone is trying to give us evidence that you're not a snoop or a mistrustful person. No need to justify that in my book.
Many guys look at porn. For most of us it is a tool used to help us reach an orgasm while we masturbate. In most cases it is completely harmless. He's likely been looking at that stuff since before you knew him.
Many people have many different reactions when they are in your shoes. I've seen many people here in the same boat you're in now. Some can accept it, others cannot. You have the right in your relationship to set boundries and guidelines. If this is something you're not sure you can deal with, then you'll have to decide if it is something you want to talk to him about.
A couple of things that I think are worth considering before you have a discussion with him. His porn use likely has zero impact on his feelings for you. If the other aspects of your relationship are going well, then you may want to consider if it is worth rocking that boat. Is he meeting your sexual needs? Porn often becomes a problem in a relationship when men turn to it instead of their partner. What I mean is that the partner isn't being satisfied to the degree they want, because he'd rather look at porn. If that isn't the case with you, then he likely doesn't have an addiction issue going on.
If you do have a talk with him about it, let him know what you found when you weren't expecting it, and how it made you feel. Like I said earlier, everyone has the right to place expectations about such things on the people we choose to be with. That is part of the compromise of being in a relationship. Good luck.
A
female
reader, LisaSE  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I see both sides of this. Before I start, I do have one thing to say and I apologize if this offends: If he was having an affair, he wouldn't have time or need porn! He is being faithful to you, but we are human and our bodies have primal biological needs no matter how you try to deny them or their existance.
I personally don't think badly of porn or the people who create it and use it. Some people who find that in their partner's belongings find inspiration in it! I don't think you need to be "a freak in the bed" as they say, but maybe it's the fact of appreciating a person who is secure in their body. There is something alluring about a man or woman who is fairly decent looking and takes pride in it.
On the other hand, I can understand where the "Am I not good enough?" comes from. If I were to find it, I would have the same intial reaction, but I don't think I would worry about philandering.
You need to talk to him. Tell him that you dislike porn and get his opinion on the matter. Ask him what he finds in it. Perhaps his honestly might inspire you which will, in turn, :D inspire him! :D
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I don't understand the link between him looking at porn and you trusting him enough not to look at his phone. What has porn got to do with trust?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Porn in a relationship is NOT acceptable unless both partners agree to it. The kids on here who say it is have been brainwashed by our pornified culture. Confront him, tell him how you feel. Ask him what it is about young women who make bad (and very sad decisions to be one involved in porn) that turns him on so much
Men will behave exactly like we expect them to
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A
female
reader, Chippy2 +, writes (13 August 2010):
I dont think there is anything bad about looking at porn and maybe you should let him know you came across it and actually you may want to try some of it with him - whatever is in your realm of course.
When it gets sad and dangerous and really sickening is when the partner starts to txt, chat, IM, video, e-mail others on sites and have personal interactions with them.
If he is doing that - then he is not being with you - and that is cheating.
My last boyfriend did that and it literally sickened me and I offered to do whatever he was so interested in online - he had issues - and that was attention based.
Goood luck - but make sure that you keep your head up and if you disagree and it doesnt work for you - then you two are not meant to be together.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): What do you think you are going to find by going through his phone?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Well u know.. i think porn is one of the most natural things guys look at (and sometimes i indulge myself ;)). I think the real problem is that maybe you feel that the reason of him watching porn is the menace of him not desiring u sexually 100%. This happens to many women, it's like : wat, im not enough for u/ i don't satisfy u? But the truth u kno is that we are animals, and have instincts.. I mean even if i have a bf, i can look at another guy(i don't flirt) and feel desire cause he's good looking, and say to myself "wow he looks good"..
I think u should take it kind of naturally, unless it takes him away from u, or he seems obsessed, or u kno other serious things. But really porn is part of everyone up to a certain point.
I hope i hlped.
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (12 August 2010):
 Honestly I have the same problem with my partner.
From coming here and asking the same question I got a lot of different answers and out looks.
First you should talk to him, Ask him what is going on.
Sometimes guys look at it to help with stress or just to relax, Altho I do not see how that is relaxing they do. On the other hand I can see how it is easier to do, They get to deal with themselves and what they want once they are done nothing else to do. (I'm not saying that's their honest reason).
I don't think he is doing this to hurt you at all. You should just let him know it hurts. Talk with him how you don't feel that great about it. He doesn't think less of you, nor does his attraction to you change.
I personally brought it up with my partner and talked to him about how it hurt me. Once I made my point he told me he didn't realize it hurt me so. He stopped it and we have talked more openly about things.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sick about it. I became psychically ill when my partner did that. I really hope for the best. Please write us and let us know how it has gone for you.
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