Like what
he writes?
... Add *alshie93 to your favourite agony aunts
Want to get in touch?
... Send *alshie93 a private message | | | *alshie93's profile:I'm a pretty reliable guy when it comes to giving out advice.
I believe advice is best dispatched from people first hand who don't have a tainted view on things. So first of all, if you ask a question, put detail in it, do not leave out the slightest thing.
A number of posters have talked about their love interest or as I call it 'one-itis' still maintaining control over their lives, or the fact that they get attached easily.
Okay, so what is one-itis?
A disorder commonly found in people with little or no relationship or intimacy experience, that forces them to think that one girl or even sometimes, one boy, is so special that they'll do ANYTHING to get with them.
The most common cure for this disease is to go out and have sex with a Baker's Dozen of other girls or boys to see that one piece isn't that special. Basically its where the mantra, 'to get over someone, you get under someone else' I'm going to go on and explain why that is wrong as well.
Well, that's pretty much what one-itis is. But why does it happen?
My personal theory:
One-itis most commonly develops in guys for whom quality women are a relative scarcity. By quality, I mean high level of beauty, charm, grace, beauty, intelligence, elegance, beauty.
You get the point. Hot women or men you wanna be with, ok? Taken on board? Good. Read on.
In the past, it used to be that I wasn't very social outside my own circle of friends and had almost no ability or "game" with females whatsoever.
Usually, guys who are like this live happily anyway, because there are things to do besides look for these girls. However, that also means that you aren't exposed to a high number of quality women... SO, that one certain female friend/neighbor/co-worker starts looking super attractive, EVEN IF SHE'S NOTHING TRULY EXTRAORDINARY IN THE REAL SCHEME OF THINGS.
This is the main cause of one-itis and in order to make yourself immune to it, you have to embrace this realization.
Yes, that "special girl" is special and unique in her own way and it would be great if you were that one guy who could truly appreciate her. This is what I believe true love is similar to.
The thing is most guys aren't really experiencing "true love" when they catch one-itis. What they're feeling is a certain STRONG and UNHEALTHY attachment to ONE female, not because they truly understand and appreciate and LOVE the female...
Ready for this? Its because of THEIR OWN INSECURITIES added to the relative SCARCITY of quality women in THEIR OWN lives.
Notice what I'm stressing here: one-itis or this attachment that feels so strong, IS NOT the work of the GIRL, by being extraordinarily special or crazy beautiful or whatever - it's a result of the GUY'S personal insecurities.
What are these insecurities Walshie93?
Its lack of confidence in finding another/better woman (due to scarcity + lack of social skills), and a void within themselves that desires affection. It's the GUY'S fault, NOT the girl's.
Oftentimes, these guys who profess love for their one-itis don't even really KNOW her. Not well enough to truly love her, anyway. You know why?
Because if they TRULY understood her, they'd know her well enough to get her and to be with her- the right way. If the relationship has ended, its ended for a reason it wasn't meant to be.
And if a guy truly does get to know and understand a woman, there is NO WAY he will get one-itis... because if he can see the truth about her, he will also see that she is human, just like himself - a person worthy of love and affection perhaps, but not of the blind, numbingly-retarded devotion that one-itis entails.
So let's get to thick of it all okay!
We need a solution for one-itis? Hell, you guys out there need one and you girls as well.
Well, for one thing, it is NOT asking "Well, how do I get this X girl or guy?"
Because to be honest, none of us here (not even the veterans of DC) can tell you EXACTLY what you need to bag that ONE SPECIAL GIRL or BOY who you feel will complete your life.
We don't know them, we've never met them, we can't give you step-by-step directions to get them.
If you are looking to solve your one-itis by trying to figure out a step-by-step, personally-tailored gameplan to get that one special girl, you are approaching this the wrong way.
Why?
Because, like I said, the root of one-itis is NOT the girl, but each man's personal demons. Finding a gameplan or the "perfect line" or the most magical gift to win her over is not really addressing the essential problem areas that need to be fixed.
YOUR INNER SELF!
The sooner you will realize that the women and men you fawned over for so long, and had it un reciprocated aren't jewels, they aren't some great treasure that you only stumble upon once in a lifetime. They are enjoyable, they are amazing, they are beautiful... but there are a lot of them. Maybe one day, you'll find one that's more special than the rest... maybe. But regardless, women and men are everywhere, waiting to be enjoyed.
It's about you. Most guys/girls get one-itis for a someone they aren't/can't be with, because part of their unattainability contributes to their "specialness" and increases the effect of the scarcity factor, making them feel like they MUST get this ONE girl or guy, or else it's the end of the world.
If a guy has a gf who he is fucking regularly, it is not AS COMMON for him to have one-itis for her, because it assumes that he is quite capable of finding plenty of women to be with.
HOWEVER, this isn't always true. Guys can get one-itis for their gfs.
One-itis basically means that one person is placing the girl or guy ,way way way above themself, places them on a pedestal
And thus above their true worth in his life.
You don't have to do this to have a loving relationship with your significant other.
In fact, I think it's even more rewarding when you understand and accept that your other half is as human as you are. This allows you to appreciate them in their real form, as a person who is as flawed as you are, but who ignites something within you.
Perfection is not a requirement for love. Part of romance and love and building real relationships is discovering the flaws in your partner and embracing those flaws as part of this whole, real person that you are sharing something very intimate and beautiful with. There's something very sacred about seeing a person truly as he/she is and still realizing how important they are in your life. |
|
| Latest articles: Are you happy, or is it an illusion? (Anyone recently broken up or cheated on, READ THIS)
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
21 September 2011: Do what makes you happy. Note, this applies to EVERYONE. We’ve all heard it said. But when do we know whether what we are doing is making us happy, or just creating an illusion that we are? There’s a classic scenario in the datin...
Love. There’s no feeling like it in the world.
No replies yet... 17 September 2011: Love. There’s no feeling like it in the world. When you’re into a girl, everything in your life seems different. Colors seem more vivid. Everything you do has a different purpose. Life seems more worth living. It’s not surprising that S...
ONE-ITIS.The unhealthy curse of devotion and attatchment.
This question has 2 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
8 September 2011: One-itis Problem Anyway, your friendly neighborhood Walshie93 is here to talk about one-itis, because it seems to be cropping up a lot hese days, be it with relationships ending, just starting or casual flings. A number of posters ...
|
To tell? Or not to tell? I cheated twice on him
Q. Hi everyone! I've asked two questions before about my relationship with my bf of 4 1/2 years. Well I have another question for everyone. I cheated on my boyfriend twice wit 2 different guys. SHould I tell him? I mean I know if I tell him everything ...
A. 8 September 2011: You don't deserve to be with anyone if you cheated in them. You should be ashamed of what you have done.
Once I can understand, but twice? That's unbelievable. You don't have to courage to tell him, so what? You want to keep stringing him along un... (read in full...)
How can I deal with this emotionally dead girl who I seem to want more from?
Q. A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention. Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usua...
A. 29 August 2011: So how do you pursue a friendship with someone that you liked or like? Surely everyone experiences this problem at some point, male or female. Surely accepting a friendship over what you originally wanted is accepting second place?... (read in full...)
How can I deal with this emotionally dead girl who I seem to want more from?
Q. A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention. Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usua...
A. 28 August 2011: Surely me being friends with her is just doing a massive U-turn from what I initially set out for?
This is from her and I think it will show she's pretty in touch with the situation. I feel like I'm just going around in circles though!
... (read in full...)
How can I deal with this emotionally dead girl who I seem to want more from?
Q. A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention. Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usua...
A. 28 August 2011: Her and I spoke last night about this after I took everyones advice on here, it didn't finish on any note, its still going on and will most probably continue today until its resolved with me walking or her siding with me.
I've told her I want it ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has gone away to college, I'm scared she will cheat with her guy friend
Q. My girlfriend has just gone off to college and we are taking a small break since we will both be at college for some time. We still love each other but when she was leaving she was so excited to go to college that she didn't seem like she would miss ...
A. 28 August 2011: Listen to me now and listen to me good. If you love someone, you do not go on a break. If you love someone, you do not constantly text another boy. If you love someone, you'd be in tears leaving them to go to college. Short, sweet and blunt. S... (read in full...)
How can I deal with this emotionally dead girl who I seem to want more from?
Q. A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention. Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usua...
A. 27 August 2011: Its not the challenge, I know that for a fact. I've always been looking for someone who is like me, someone who has the same quirks and traits, who likes the same things, has the same pet hates and loves the same music etc. She's just as quirky a... (read in full...)
At a low point in my life. how can I get out of this?
Q. Hi all, I guess i don't know exactly how to explain how i feel in any other phrase but low, incredibley low. The guy i was interested in, screwed me over and thanks to all my attention being for him i messed up my a levels real bad an have only just ...
A. 27 August 2011: I have just finished college, and finished my A-levels as well. I can sympathise with you to a certain extent. Back in January I was down and out, my girlfriend had dumped me and I had done everything humanely possible to get her back-at the expense ... (read in full...)
How can I deal with this emotionally dead girl who I seem to want more from?
Q. A few weeks ago, I discovered routines and methods of being able to approach girls who would be rated say a 9 out of 10 so to speak and who reject any male that gives them attention. Anyway, I approached one girl etc and got through her usua...
A. 27 August 2011: So you mean I'm hooked on the idea that I'll be the exception to her rule, that somehow I think she'll turn round and admit to liking me and won't discard me like any other male?
... (read in full...)
Did I make the wrong choice?
Q. i really need someones help. for more than one year now i have been talking to a man who lives in argentina, we met on xbox and we have done a lot of stuff together. i live in the uk. we keep meaning to meet but problems occur which means we have ...
A. 15 December 2010: Already coming on here and asking did you make the wrong choice, shows you doubt yourself to be able to make key decisions in life.
What's you should be asking is, did you make the right choice.
In my opinion, I really think you did.
Firs... (read in full...)
How do I not make the same mistakes in my future relationships?
Q. I've broken up with my ex about a month ago, and its only in the aftermath of things have I realised stuff myself. A recent bit of information from my ex girlfriend and what she said about me got me thinking. Yeah, it is a biast opinion from her...
A. 13 December 2010: "It would perhaps help if you would tell us how you felt about what she said, she talked about bad things you did to her, do you know what she could mean? Do you feel this is correct?"
I feel disappointed first off that I lost her. Like I'm alw... (read in full...)
Am I in love with my teacher?
Q. Kso. I have a problem. and Im confused about it. I have this teacher. and He is always there for me. He is sweet, kind, and it seems like he focuses more on me, than anyone else. For example; 1. He ALWAYS seems to make eye contact with me....
A. 10 December 2010: What I think you should do is picture yourself as the teacher.
Just try that. Try and write down how you think your teacher feels about you.
Regardless of your feelings, you need to remember, he is an adult, in the working world and in a p... (read in full...)
Thinking of my past is ruining my relationship!
Q. This is long, but if you would be so kind to read and answer, I would be so grateful. You can even just scan the question... I just need some answers. Thanks. I'm confused and I have been quite tearful these past few days. My boyfriend and I ...
A. 9 December 2010: I can safely say, your boyfriend will be getting onto these vibes you are giving off and even worse he will think it is because of something he has done.
My advice to you is firstly, let these two men, I use men because that is what they are. Let... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend is so hot and cold it's confusing the heck out of me!
Q. So I have had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend. I ignored her for a week, and she started to text me more and more when I had dissapeared from her life. I answered one text last night and we had a short conversation and it went...
A. 7 December 2010: That was another girl.
She made a sudden decision to no longer talk and having no closure on anything was crippling.
I tried contact, and it didn't work, I know now she was stuck up and snobbish, genuinely.
I took me months to find emily, and ... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend is so hot and cold it's confusing the heck out of me!
Q. So I have had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend. I ignored her for a week, and she started to text me more and more when I had dissapeared from her life. I answered one text last night and we had a short conversation and it went...
A. 7 December 2010: I know I have to move on. Its so hard. Everything I do in life I do to the best of my abilities, college, work, sport. I hate failure, I put everything in to it, and just failed. Was what I did not good enough or was she just stupid enough to... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend is so hot and cold it's confusing the heck out of me!
Q. So I have had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend. I ignored her for a week, and she started to text me more and more when I had dissapeared from her life. I answered one text last night and we had a short conversation and it went...
A. 6 December 2010: So, how do I move on..... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend is so hot and cold it's confusing the heck out of me!
Q. So I have had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend. I ignored her for a week, and she started to text me more and more when I had dissapeared from her life. I answered one text last night and we had a short conversation and it went...
A. 6 December 2010: How have you heard I got into a fight with her new boyfriend?
I didnt have a fight and she doesn't have a new boyfriend..
Although a lot of confusing things did go on, but for some reason I am not allowed to post it.... (read in full...)
My ex girlfriend is so hot and cold it's confusing the heck out of me!
Q. So I have had a few posts on here about my ex girlfriend. I ignored her for a week, and she started to text me more and more when I had dissapeared from her life. I answered one text last night and we had a short conversation and it went...
A. 6 December 2010: Just want to say a quick thanks for your answers, they really shed light on my situation, now its all aboUT MOVING ON i GUESS... (read in full...)
If she really wanted it, would she have to think about it?
Q. I'm asking this question because I don't know what to do. I broke up with my girlfriend about 2 weeks ago now, and it was horrible, we had argued for like 2 weeks before hand and had been together for just over 4 months, short, I know. However...
A. 24 November 2010: I have had an update
She said she isn't using the time to push me away but rather using it to convince herself to give it another go. And that all the little things i'm trying to do now are not helping.
She said she honestly doesnt know what... (read in full...)
It's been 5 months but I can't stop thinking about her!
Q. Apologies for the length of this. I met this girl a month ago on a medical course in Nottingham. We met on the first day, and over the four days we got on so so well, everything clicked, our personalities, our interests, our jokes and she wa...
A. 4 June 2010: Thanks very much for the feedback. As for the making her jealous thing, I don't think it would work, because of us living far away and its pointless, because she can't see my profile or anything.
Is there nothing at all I can try or say to her o... (read in full...)
| *alshie93's friends
These are mutual friends, so *alshie93 has
added them and they have added *alshie93!
|
