A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please dont tell me how I am such a horrible person or anything like that because I know I am and I know its a blessing that things worked out the way they did:I cheated on my boyfriend just shy of our 4th anniversary.First of all I want to say that I love my boyfriend but I feel emotionally deprived. He is the most unromantic guy on this earth.The guy I cheated on him with you could say bought me with sweet talk. I slept with him on the second day after meeting him :S. He just gave me what I had yearned for for so long.After leaving the state (I met this guy on a trip) we continued to communicate over the phone and I had an emotional relationship with him.When my bf found out it was like my whole world disintegrated. I realized that I really love my bf and it bothers me to hell that he is not sweet and romantic but that doesn't matter, I could not lose him.After a roller coaster week, he finally (thank god) gave me a second chance. Obviously I broke off all contact with the guy, changed my cell, changed my e-mail address, etc.Now my real question is, what can I do to help my bf cope with what he is feeling? I know I hurt him and I know I made a mistake. I also learned my god given lesson and will not ever consider doing this EVER again. What can I do to get my bf to be able to look past what happened? Even though he gave me that second chance, we have been struggling and I feel our relationship going down the drain. I will do anything to not let that happen, I just don't know what!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Thanks for the follow up proving the point I made. Sorcerer is right. You have to be the one who leaves. Your BF is likely never to get over this. He may say he has, but that won't be the case, and you'll incidents like your recent one.
You ended your relationship when you cheated. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you both will be able to start the grieving process for your relationship and move on to people with whom you can be happy.
Relationships shouldn't be misery.
A
male
reader, Sorcerer  +, writes (13 August 2010):
I feel dreadfully sorry for you but I think the answer is that YOU have to walk away, rather than give him the option. It is obvious he still loves you, which is why he has tried and doesn't want to end things, but he is so dreadfully hurt but what you did he is struggling to deal with it. Frankly, the longer this goes on the worse it will get.
You said you haven't screwed up. OK, you may not have done in the last month, but you screwed up BIG TIME when you cheated on him. This is not something you can expect this guy to get over this quickly. You'd been together nearly 4 years! Imagine if he'd done the dirty on you, would you find it so easy to get over it and expect everything to go back to normal so soon? I'm afraid life isn't like that.
For HIS OWN GOOD - not yours, I'm afraid - you have to end this relationship. The two of you need to have some genuine complete time away from each other. Not a few weeks, but serious lengthy time. If, some time down the road, you two try again, that may be the answer. At the moment, it is all too raw for him and he needs to go away and get his head together without you being around. A couple of weeks just isn't enough.
You have to realise you did the wrong thing and this may be the price you have to pay. You put yourself first when you cheated, now you need to put him first and let him go. At the same time, you still need to work out why you did what you did rather than discuss any problems in your relationship.
Sorry if this sounds so blunt, but both of you are hurting and torturing yourselves and each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to let you guys know how things have been.. During the summer I went on a trip to family. He knows them very well and was 100% sure that I could not do anything bad during this time. That was a good thing for him, it gave him time to blow steam off and to have that "break" that he'd asked me for, AND it kept my mind busy so I wouldn't go crazy during it.
When I came back, things have been pretty smooth. We are not seeing each other as much as we used to, but we haven't had as many fights.
It had been about 1 month since the 'issue' came up, and I was excited that things may be going great, but today we began to make love and he suddenly stopped and backed off. He told me to get dressed, did the same, then drove me home.
Now I am a total wreck again. I don't know what to do anymore. I have not screwed up and we have made love before q/o incident, so what triggered this? He told me he had just remembered 'someone else touching my body'. HELP ME!!! PLEASE!!! How can I help him cope?
I have given him the option of walking away, several times, but he always tells me that he wants to be with me.
So what can I do to help him? What can I do or say for him to find the strength to look past what happened?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2010): I know it's hard hearing these negative things from other posters, but unfortunately it's the cold hard truth you'll need to get used to.
You cheated on your boyfriend because you were unhappy. You turned away from the relationship and put your energy into starting another one. No matter how you look at it, it's completely wrong and for many, unforgiveable.
I'm on the receiving end of the same thing at the moment and believe me, it's been seven months and I still struggle with the thought of them together every MINUTE of the day. You can't expect your boyfriend to talk to you about it and then feel better - for you two to make up like any other fight. This is one of the biggest dealbreakers in a relationship.. he'll be struggling with so many emotions right now.. you just have to be there for him and talk with him - giving him HONEST answers whenever he wants to ask you questions about what happened - no matter how HARD that is for you.
While you made a mistake, it sounds like you've gone EVERYTHING in your power to begin rectifying this. You've done all you really can do at this stage, it's up to him if he is prepared to give you another chance. I think it's great that you took it upon yourself to change your cell and email. My boyfriend hasn't done that for me, so I struggle with feelings of paranoia every day that he's still contacting her.. and have to try to trust (even though none of that's left) that he doesn't.
I wish you two all the best.. and remember.. just because you made a mistake doesn't mean it's too late for you. You have been very mature about how you've handled things since it happened. I hope you work it out :)
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A
female
reader, ctds001 +, writes (6 July 2010):
Thanks for the update.
Good luck with the conselling
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOuch, well I certainly asked for the nasty comments. I guess I pretty much deserve that, and just to clarify, I'd like to say that I am very sorry for what I did and am hoping that my boyfriend will know that too.Thank you ctds001, you gave me a bit of hope. :) I have talked to him and let him into my mind to try and understand where my feelings are at... and it seems to have helpedAnd yes, to answer the anonymous writer, I AM on my best behavior and have been praying like crazy because I do understand that wherever this relationship ends is up to HIM and not to me.Just in case you guys care, a little update on where things are headed, in light of the issues we had, and of my actions and my overall emotions, I decided to seek professional help, to see if the issue is, in fact, me. My bf has been very understanding and volunteered his time and help in anything I need.I have my first evaluation tomorrow.. wish me luck and I hope that getting to understand myself better will help me with my relationship. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): You should tell your bf how sorry you are and leave him. End of. There is no relationship. If you had a problem with him being unromantic you should have discussed it with him, not jumped into bed with someone else. Regardless of his fault of being unromantic, he doesn't deserve to be treated as you treated him.
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A
female
reader, ctds001 +, writes (2 July 2010):
You can always earn your boyfriends trust back, but I would be reluctant to make out you should do all the changing and fixing!
There was obviously a problem in your relationship and he needs to take responsibility for that too.
If you try to mend alone you will end up fallin for the next guy with a few chat up lines.
Talk to your bf tell him what you need and find out what he needs.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 July 2010):
There is nothing you can do. Frankly, you should end this relationship. Look through posts of people who have cheated trying to fix things. Look through posts of people who have been cheated on and can never build the trust back into the relationship.
Your relationship ended the moment you cheated on him. Do the adult thing and end it for good. You're going to be bringing on more hardship for yourself and you BF by continuing down the road you are.
The reason you cheated is the reason you should leave this relationship. If things were "bad enough" that you had to go elsewhere, what do you hope to gain by continuing this lie?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): There is nothing you can do. How can he look past it? You broke his trust and destroyed the relationship as he saw it. The fact that he is giving you a second chance is exceptional, most of us wouldn't have. He will be struggling with his emotions and I'm afraid he may find he can't get beyond this and you may split up. You just have to give him the time he needs and behave fantastically well and hope and pray. He doesn't deserve you, so you damn well put up with whatever awkwardness there is.
If you TRULY loved him, you wouldn't have cheated on him. You would have discussed things with him and tried to see if you could improve the romantic side of his nature. And if it was an issue, you should have split rather than cheated. What did this other guy give you within TWO DAYS of meeting him that overruled FOUR YEARS with your boyfriend whom you LOVE? Two days doesn't sound like romance to me but lust.
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