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... Send *oolishsage a private message | | | *oolishsage's profile:36 yr old American male. I've had some very high and some very low points in both love and life in general, but one thing is for sure - I have a wide range of experience in a lot of things for a fairly short amount of time spent here on this planet.
I have two wonderful young children and am very good platonic friends with my ex-wife. Yes - it really is possible...
With some aspects of love and relationships, I'd consider myself very knowledgeable and even an expert. At the same time, there are many others that at times leave me feeling like I'm clueless. You're likely to see me asking questions as well as answering them, mostly because I find that with relationships, the old saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" definitely holds true. Often I find that the best answer for someone can be the most obvious one for everybody else to see - but we either overlook it or simply don't want to face it.
Perspective is tremendously important and often times different people will have completely different beliefs on what is true in any given matter. Frequently circumstances and events leading up to a situation greatly influence it and while to one individual they seemed completely inconsequential, it may make all the difference in the world to another.
Be patient with yourself and also try to place yourself in the shoes of the other person and consider how they may be feeling about what's transpired given their past. First and foremost - love yourself, respect yourself and be true to yourself, your needs and your feelings. When you can do that without getting lost in the mire, things will often become much more clear.
Best of luck to all of us in life and love,
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How do I increase my sense of security in my relationship??
Q. I am extremely jealous of my boyfriend's ex. We have been going out for a year now and have lived together for 6 months. It all started before we were living together she came to his house at 4 in the morning and made a huge scene cops were called ...
A. 5 March 2011: Ouch, I'm sorry to hear of your overall situation. Please note the word "overall". Considering that he lied about the relationship with his ex being serious and he also cheated on you with her and that he has had ongoing issues with her AND tha... (read in full...)
I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her. What do I do?
Q. Short version: I had a girlfriend I was mad in love with. After 6 years of knowing each other, she suddenly was convinced our plans for the future were too different to keep us together. She broke my heart, started dating another guy, I went ...
A. 3 March 2011: With only 2 months between the breakup and starting to see the new girl, that's very unfortunate - you were probably ready for casual dating, but maybe not for a relationship just yet. Fortunately/unfortunately you two hit it off so well that ... (read in full...)
I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her. What do I do?
Q. Short version: I had a girlfriend I was mad in love with. After 6 years of knowing each other, she suddenly was convinced our plans for the future were too different to keep us together. She broke my heart, started dating another guy, I went ...
A. 2 March 2011: How long had you and your girlfriend of 6 years been broken up when you started seeing the new girl?
How long have you been seeing the new girl?
There are a lot of variables here and I'd like to try to help you with any insights that I ... (read in full...)
Are these guilt driven texts?
Q. My Ex left me about 5 months ago for another woman. He pretty much moved right out of our place and into hers. We were together 6 years. I did what most shocked dumpees do and attempted to get him back for about 2 weeks or so. Went pretty much NC ...
A. 24 February 2011: Ugh - not sure why exactly he continues to text you, but I believe that you're doing the right thing by continuing the NC. You're not encouraging him in the least.
Unfortunately, part of what may be driving him to continue to text you is that you... (read in full...)
I feel they are divorced so they should act like it.
Q. I have been dating a man for well over a year, we are both divorced with kids. He still hangs out with his ex to do "family time", they go to dinner, movies all day outings and even sometimes they stay at each others houses. The other day he told me ...
A. 24 February 2011: I understand that this bothers you a great deal, but if he has spent this family time with his kids and his ex for the whole time that you've been together - it really isn't anything new, it's up to you as to whether the time that he spends with his ... (read in full...)
He cant marry me because of his parents......
Q. I've been in an on/off relationship with this guy for many years now. We always break up due to one problem, his parents. Our parents come from the same country and religious background, however he strongly believes that his parents will never ...
A. 24 February 2011: Bunny, I too am truly sorry to hear that this is the case with him. I understand that it is very, very difficult to let go of someone that is so much a part of you and is so important in your life. If this is the path that he has chosen, first yo... (read in full...)
I want to know how to be a better kisser, not what not to do!
Q. Could someone please help me with this? All I keep reading is what NOT to do, but rarely do I find suggestions on what TO DO. I've had no shortage of practice but my kisses are still just so so. I had one girlfriend who was a phenomenal kisse...
A. 22 February 2011: Jmtmj & Annalisa are both spot on with some very good points and some great tips!
If you go to a art store, you'll find hundreds and hundreds if not thousands of paint brushes and tools for carving, etc. Now I want you to think of the kissing ... (read in full...)
Why did my wife get upset when I saw a topless sunbather on a beach?
Q. This may be a funny question to ask but my wife got so mad on a trip we took to Mexico when we saw a woman laying out topless. Why is that? I am not the guy who makes comments about other women or takes long stares at them; I have always been very ...
A. 22 February 2011: I'm with dirtball and first/last. This is about her - not you. You've been together for a very long time and sound like the two of you are quite happy together. People get their moments of doubt or insecurity, we're human. Has she recently gai... (read in full...)
I keep cheating on my partner with my ex! I know I am hurting others and myself, so how do I stop this?
Q. My ex and I had a baby, she is 2 now. We really never got along, but when we did it was great. About when my daughter was one there were more problems between us- just trying to get situated with all the changes. I ended up sleeping with a guy from ...
A. 22 February 2011: Well, jtrou00 - the bright side is that you know that this all has to stop and that you understand that you are hurting other people and yourself. The question that you ask is "how do you stop?" The question that I must ask in return is, "Do you ... (read in full...)
He cant marry me because of his parents......
Q. I've been in an on/off relationship with this guy for many years now. We always break up due to one problem, his parents. Our parents come from the same country and religious background, however he strongly believes that his parents will never ...
A. 22 February 2011: Bunny, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. A friend of mine was in a somewhat similar situation and I can understand the mental and emotional torment. If this is tearing you up, you need to tell him exactly how it's making you feel and do ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend just dumped me because she thinks I'm being paranoid!
Q. my girlfriend has just dumped me because she think iam being paranoid. 2 weeks ago she changed her profile picture on facebook and i started to get paranoid so i started asking her if she loved me and she replied yes. but the next day i appologised ...
A. 1 February 2011: Hi anon,
You definitely have my sympathies in the situation. Breakups suck - and sudden ones that seem out of the blue are an even bigger jolt to the system.
I have to ask if there are any other underlying issues that you've either not menti... (read in full...)
How to Build Confidence and Squash Fear?
Q. How does a man gain confidence around women and strangers? I enjoy talking to others and learning about them, but that's only with my friends. I've started a new semester at a new school, and I'm shy around all the people that I do not know. I want ...
A. 26 January 2011: PRACTICE! That's the short answer. We've all got a comfort zone and mine had always been pretty similar to yours until I took an intensive 3 week training class for a sales job that was 85% face to face with new prospects.
They taught us to pu... (read in full...)
Selfish boyfriend - porn and sex all for him and not for me
Q. My boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother for about 7 months. I love him and want to do anything to make us work, but I feel like he's more interested in porn than me. We have sex once a week, if that, and usually I have to ask for it to get it. ...
A. 26 January 2011: Ugh - if he's trying to turn it around on you in this fashion, then I don't really think much of him to be honest.
He's unaccountable of his own actions and hasn't expressed any sign of concern for how you feel as a result of his actions & lack o... (read in full...)
Can you be friends with your ex?
Q. My ex and I broke up two weeks ago after a year of going out. We're both 15, (i know, I shouldn't be worried about this, but still). We broke up b/c we didn't have much to talk about or say to one another anymore, not because we didn't still care ...
A. 25 January 2011: Hi sorrely, It's entirely possible for people who break up to still be friends, though more often than not, it will be painful for at least one of the people because it's hard to care about someone and not be able to be "that person" for them... (read in full...)
How do you talk to men and build intimacy?
Q. So, my problem seems to be in how to talk to men. I don't know how to build intimacy. I always end up talking about politics or world issues, etc.... How do women talk to men, to make that connection? Any ideas/help would be appreciated....
A. 25 January 2011: To me, it depends on how long the two of you have seen one another - the way that the question was posed, it seems like it is first date or first meet, though I'm not sure if that's the case. IF that is the case, hold tight on politics and wor... (read in full...)
Selfish boyfriend - porn and sex all for him and not for me
Q. My boyfriend and I have been seeing eachother for about 7 months. I love him and want to do anything to make us work, but I feel like he's more interested in porn than me. We have sex once a week, if that, and usually I have to ask for it to get it. ...
A. 25 January 2011: Confused_girl, I've seen several questions lately in regards to people not being sexually fulfilled in their relationship and of people feeling unwanted in that regard. Now, without knowing your boyfriend and how open he is about his feeling... (read in full...)
In love with my straight friend, could we ever happen?
Q. Hi I am a gay man in love with my straight friend. I have always denied it to anyone because, We are both in relationships and never strayed but we are always flirting even his missus jokes about it. Nothing has ever happened between us but ...
A. 25 January 2011: OP - I'm sorry to tell you this, but in my opinion he likes being friends with you and isn't interested in actually acting out anything else, though he may be slightly bi-curious or may simply like the attention. That would explain the bulge thing ... (read in full...)
Men: Would you date a taller woman?
Q. I am tall for a woman, just about 6'-0." While I physically prefer taller men, I can't really afford to be picky and so have dated shorter men. Sometimes though, they seem embarassed about the height difference, too embarassed to take me seriousl...
A. 21 January 2011: I'm glad that I could be of any help. You're quite welcome.... (read in full...)
Should I take a leap of faith or face reality?
Q. I am currently struggling with a huge decision in both my career and love life. I currently live in Panama with the love of my life. We are young (19, 20) but we are both extremely happy with each other, have been together 3 years and we live ...
A. 20 January 2011: This one is all your decision - but I can give you a little bit of a bright side to look at. A colleague of mine recently got married to a wonderful woman. They dated for perhaps 6 months to a year before their careers took them to different ... (read in full...)
Men: Would you date a taller woman?
Q. I am tall for a woman, just about 6'-0." While I physically prefer taller men, I can't really afford to be picky and so have dated shorter men. Sometimes though, they seem embarassed about the height difference, too embarassed to take me seriousl...
A. 20 January 2011: Hmmm - I think a lot of guys are probably less opposed to it than one may assume and it may be more of a case where they are guessing that a tall woman wants to be with a guy that is her height or taller and those guys may therefore not approach ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's insecurity about his looks has shattered our sex life...how do I make him feel better about himself???
Q. hey so i dunno if im just overreacting but my bf hardly ever wants to have sex. Hes always too tired, not feeling well or in a bad mood cos of work. Now hes on Admin leave and I figure..well work shouldnt be the issue..but it seems we have le...
A. 20 January 2011: That's so awesome! Sounds like you were already on at least what I believe is the right track.
He seems to be a keeper - actually has empathy and everything - keep on being the sparkplug to get that engine running.
Have a GREAT time when ... (read in full...)
My wife's behavior is bizarre and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage
Q. Hi! I don't know from where to start? I am 26 years old its been a year since I am married and now I get the vibes that everything is falling apart. Basically I am from India I moved into England only because my wife wanted me to. I have well ...
A. 20 January 2011: mlost - unfortunately, you cannot change who people are and you cannot control how they act or what they want - so, if your wife is fine with things how they are, there is no reason for her to want to change and you can't make her.
At the same tim... (read in full...)
Now I've got doubts about moving in with him. Can I trust him?
Q. My boyfriend has just been telling me about some of his usual behavior in relationships, and I'm not sure what to make of it. He said he's had one relationship that lasted over 3 months and all the rest he gets bored with and wants change, so sudd...
A. 19 January 2011: You must be an amazing individual if you could hold the attention of a gnat for more than 3 months.
Really, if they've all been 3 months or less, then it sounds like he's been dating a lot of the wrong type of girl for him or that he just can't si... (read in full...)
What's a cool way to tell her I like her and I miss her?
Q. I started speaking to a girl and after some time i started liking her. We used to talk daily on phone until recently, when she got busy with her college work. Yesterday i cracked a light joke on her saying, 'she doesn't pick the call anytime ...
A. 19 January 2011: Well - she got defensive, so she obviously doesn't want you to be upset with her - that's a good sign, right?
And no - you don't want to be the clingy guy.
Depends on her sense of humor and what she's studying in college as to how I'd appro... (read in full...)
I'm bi. My loving man accepts my needs. But now I'm in love with a woman. Out of my mind with guilt. What can I do?
Q. Hi Aunties I came her for some advice about guilt and love. I'm married to a good man for 22 years. we have 5 children and all but 2 of them are off to college. My husband treats us good. He's a good father and husband. He's always put us before ...
A. 19 January 2011: Whoah - just whoah. If nothing else, you've got to be honest. It's not fair to the parties involved if you tell them things that are other than reality.
I understand that you have some very deep feelings going on for this woman, though you've o... (read in full...)
I'm not as physically attracted to my boyfriend as I would like to be....
Q. So here's the deal: I've been with my boyfriend for a year and I love him so much! He treats me like a queen, is caring, and I can't go a day without thinking about him. I like doing physical things with him as well as just talking to him because he ...
A. 19 January 2011: You can't make someone change if they aren't up for it or ready for it. And even then, they need to change something about their self for their sake and not for the liking of anyone else.
Ask yourself if he doesn't take his shirt off because ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's insecurity about his looks has shattered our sex life...how do I make him feel better about himself???
Q. hey so i dunno if im just overreacting but my bf hardly ever wants to have sex. Hes always too tired, not feeling well or in a bad mood cos of work. Now hes on Admin leave and I figure..well work shouldnt be the issue..but it seems we have le...
A. 19 January 2011: Gwen, you're a sweet-heart. You can only re-assure him of how you feel about him and how you are attracted to him, but he's the only one that can change his condition.
If he is feeling insecure and unattractive, then he needs to work that out... (read in full...)
My wife's behavior is bizarre and I'm trapped in a loveless marriage
Q. Hi! I don't know from where to start? I am 26 years old its been a year since I am married and now I get the vibes that everything is falling apart. Basically I am from India I moved into England only because my wife wanted me to. I have well ...
A. 19 January 2011: mlost, I don't know where to begin. What was the relationship like before you were married or before you moved? I'm afraid that I don't understand if it's always been at least a bit like this or if it's only been for a certain period of time.... (read in full...)
Why does he want to pick up women when he has me?
Q. A friend told me to look at some online forum for guys who feel like they need a little help with picking up women. It was filled with silly pick up lines and ridiculous little mind games. My friend thought it was hilarious but I found it a littl...
A. 19 January 2011: You need more than an evasive/ dismissive answer to the question that you'd asked him and you've already listed the reasons why. So, tell him how you feel and why you feel that way and ask him to explain it more fully than simply telling you that ... (read in full...)
I want to celebrate our 9 month anniversary, but I have a family obligation that same day!
Q. Hey! Me and my boyfriend are goin out 9 months next week and i want it to be really special, we've organized a few things aswell. Its just my mam wants me to go to my cousins confirmation on the same day!:( . How can i tell her that i cant go?...
A. 19 January 2011: Ah - young love. It's a beautiful thing - it's part of growing up and I'm glad that you cherish your boyfriend and you being together and want to celebrate it. However, do mind that another part of growing up is responsibilities and obligations. ... (read in full...)
If he was looking for a one night stand, why did he ask me out?
Q. So I met a guy in a club last week, we really hit it off. He lost his phone while we were out, and so lost his friends and couldn't find them. I let him come back to my flat as I felt he was stranded (something I have never done before), we ended up ...
A. 19 January 2011: I'd love to contribute my input, but honestly Cerberus has it exactly right in my opinion.
Too many variables, too many possibilities & you can only control what you can control - and that's you and how you react to the situations life hands yo... (read in full...)
Do I stand my ground? She wants an open relationship, but I want none of that
Q. This is going to be a bit long, so I apologise. I am 22, and have never been fantastic with girls, and met my first (and current) girlfriend about 9 months ago. I had previously just come out of a failed attempt at a relationship that had left me ...
A. 19 January 2011: Leave - leave now - do not look back. She's lied, she's cheated and she continues to spend time with the person that she cheated on you with. That's not ok.
My friend, I know that you feel lost right now - I get it. Especially since you got ... (read in full...)
I lied and told my boyfriend I was the same age as him, but the gig is up when we celebrate our birthdays!
Q. So I've done something stupid and need your advice on how to fix it...I've been with my bf for 3 months, he's amazing and I am falling for him. Now, the problem is that I told him I'm 29, but I'm actually 30 (he's 29). I didn't intentionally lie, ...
A. 19 January 2011: I actually really like Lucy Lee's idea too and I think that's one approach that you could take for sure.
Myself - I'd actually try my very, very best to make light of the situation and paint myself as a bit of an airhead. I'd wait until the two ... (read in full...)
Sex is getting to be a pain in the rear!
Q. Ok I am so confused. I have had a total of 3 long term relationships in my 20 years of dating. 2 of my Xs are still dear friends and each has moved on. I have been in my current relationship with a much younger man for about 6 months now. It has ...
A. 19 January 2011: Does it bother you that he wipes off "excess moisture" when he goes down on you? If it doesn't kill the mood for you, then it's really nothing more than him having a towel handy for that specific purpose.
And the "neat and not slobbery bj" - I ... (read in full...)
Do I have to tell this guy I'm seeing about my past sexual experience?
Q. Do i have to tell this guy im seeing about my past sexual relationships and experiences or does it not matter?... things have been going really well, and weve been getting to know each other, i just wondered if it was neccessary to tell him? He ...
A. 19 January 2011: Unless it is of some practical relevance to him, I don't see any reason for volunteering that information.
Past is past so long as it's not something that anybody is still carrying with them - either in terms of medical or psychological conditio... (read in full...)
I've tried to make my dad proud but he just doesn't care!
Q. I know that this sight is meant for relationships between lovers but I'm having trouble with my dad. We have never gotten along, and tho I try and try to do things to relate to him (even if I hate them ... like sports) we still don't get along. All ...
A. 19 January 2011: I'm glad to hear that things are starting to go in a positive direction. Keep on track and be patient and it really sounds like you and your dad will be able to have a very healthy and loving relationship.... (read in full...)
I want more interaction between my ex wife, the kids and my girlfriend
Q. Back story: After a really dead marriage, I left the family domicile 2 yrs ago, where my ex and 2 younger children still reside. After a few months of living apart, my ex and I made a casual attempt at getting back together without the knowledge of ...
A. 18 January 2011: Oh - just to follow up with everyone that offered input and may be curious. I did the thing that was most obvious, but somehow missed. I called my ex-wife and we chatted and met up and discussed all aspects of it.
It's funny, neither one of u... (read in full...)
I keep falling into passionate platonic relationships!
Q. Dear Cupid, I've been noticing a trend I have of falling into "passionate platonic relationships" with certain men. It's not that I'm not attracted to men in general, but the ones who really trigger me emotionally end up being platonic friends...
A. 18 January 2011: Personally - I think that passion is a must. And it must be kept alive. Sure, the wave will have troughs and crests, but for me, passion needs to be there.
Loyalty is good too - don't get me wrong. It's pretty much needed for most people, ... (read in full...)
Her attitute toward sex is really frustrating
Q. I'm getting discouraged and feeling really scared for our relationship. Ever since we started having sex my girlfriend has resisted me. I can't do anything to her without seemingly forcing her. It annoys me and make me feel like she doesn't want me ...
A. 18 January 2011: Abella is right, there are people w/ a medical condition that can develop that makes sex or anything down there very painful. Even her reluctance to do anything to do with her breasts may cause her mental anguish because she knows where it's going ... (read in full...)
Why does my bf text his ex wife?
Q. my bf and i have been together for 10 months we also live together.he has been divorced for 4yrs. and i for 6yrs. we have only have 2 disagreements we enjoy doing the same things and have lots of fun together. if you knew us you would think we were ...
A. 18 January 2011: If everything is good between the two of you and you don't feel like the relationship is lacking anything and you are both continuing to try to build the relationship, then you need to let him know that it really bothers you. But you also need to ... (read in full...)
I've tried to make my dad proud but he just doesn't care!
Q. I know that this sight is meant for relationships between lovers but I'm having trouble with my dad. We have never gotten along, and tho I try and try to do things to relate to him (even if I hate them ... like sports) we still don't get along. All ...
A. 17 January 2011: Adults can be the most childish of people. I am very sorry that your father chooses to remind you so of the pact that he and your mother made in terms of staying together to raise you "proper". That he resents this pact is completely ... (read in full...)
I keep falling into passionate platonic relationships!
Q. Dear Cupid, I've been noticing a trend I have of falling into "passionate platonic relationships" with certain men. It's not that I'm not attracted to men in general, but the ones who really trigger me emotionally end up being platonic friends...
A. 14 January 2011: I'm assuming that these guys aren't already dating anyone and that aspect is a non-issue. How exactly are you meeting these men? Do you have an interest in them relatively early on, or is it that the friendship is being forged first and that one ... (read in full...)
I want more interaction between my ex wife, the kids and my girlfriend
Q. Back story: After a really dead marriage, I left the family domicile 2 yrs ago, where my ex and 2 younger children still reside. After a few months of living apart, my ex and I made a casual attempt at getting back together without the knowledge of ...
A. 7 January 2011: Anon - I have to say that you're pretty much on target with a lot of this.
I'll start by answering the direct questions before I go any further though. No, the ex does not have a new boyfriend yet that I am aware of. She had dated somebody... (read in full...)
I want more interaction between my ex wife, the kids and my girlfriend
Q. Back story: After a really dead marriage, I left the family domicile 2 yrs ago, where my ex and 2 younger children still reside. After a few months of living apart, my ex and I made a casual attempt at getting back together without the knowledge of ...
A. 6 January 2011: Thanks dirtball - not sure how you picked your name, but it just doesn't seem to fit. :P... (read in full...)
I want more interaction between my ex wife, the kids and my girlfriend
Q. Back story: After a really dead marriage, I left the family domicile 2 yrs ago, where my ex and 2 younger children still reside. After a few months of living apart, my ex and I made a casual attempt at getting back together without the knowledge of ...
A. 6 January 2011: Thank you both for your thoughts and your input. Here is further elaboration for each of you in terms of the circumstances if you have any further input. Thank you
to anonymous - Yes, I spend time with the kids still just myself and them for... (read in full...)
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