A
male
age
41-50,
dirtball
writes:It never fails to amaze me how many questions I see on here about long distance relationships (LDR's). I will admit, I understand the temptation. I've been there. I've tried it. I've concluded that they don't work. Still, what is it about these that keep people hoping for them to work? How is it even possible? I've concluded that part of the cause is the abundance of "world shrinking" technology. Things like cell phones, the internet, video chat, and instant messaging... The list goes on. People post their lives on blogs and sites like Facebook. It's easy to think you know what's going on in someone's life even if you aren't with them. I plan to explore how these technologies lead people to the hopes of an LDR.I should start with my LDR background. When I was a Junior in high school, I met a girl who I fell madly in love with. She was a year older than me and after she graduated, she went to college. The college she chose was nearly an 8 hour drive. I, being in school myself, had no real means to go visit her. Our interactions for the next year were emails, phone calls, and the very occasional visit. Still, we tried. We even set ground rules for dating other people. Still, neither of us did. That year went by and then I was off to college, even further away from her. We saw eachother 2 times that year I think. Still, when we were together, we were a couple, but any other time, we weren't. I still remember the last time I visited her. I was so happy to see her, as she was me. As we laid in eachother's arms we talked. We discussed all the things that had been happening in our lives, our futures, and of course, us. We both still loved eachother, but had matured to a point where we realized that what we had was not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship anymore. It hadn't been for a long time. Instead, it was a friendship, which is how it should have been defined long before. It's amazing what you will clutch to when you don't want to let something go.Still, I feel old. When all of this was going on, the internet was no where near as robust as it is now. Dial up was the only kind of connection available. Hotmail was still new. Cell phones were just starting to be common place. It feels so ancient and it was only about a decade ago. What would it have been like if we could have video chatted on skype for free? Technology like that was still only available in movies! Would we have tried harder to save it? Who knows.I feel that the internet is a great resource to gather information and connect to people all over the world. Take this site for instance. We have people from dozens of countries coming here looking for help. I've met people here who I've had fun becoming pen pals with. Met people who I call friends. Not just here. I have a handful of friends who I have met through the internet. These are people who I have since met and spent time with, but our first contact was via the world wide web. I know that if I'm in this boat, then I'm surely not alone. People meet and chat every day. So, when will you make your point in all of this dirtball?!? I suppose it's about that time. All of these people meeting eachother over the web has started many of them to start feeling a deeper connection to those who they share regular communication with. That's natural. After all, communication is the top indicator of a lasting relationship. Then that connection and longing for more communications leads people to believe that they are in fact in love with these other people, many of whom have never actually met face to face. I began to wonder why that was. In a conversation with a troubled poster here I realized something, it has to do with what love is.You see, love is one of those really difficult things to define. I love my family. I love my friends. Part of me still loves some of my ex girlfriends too. So, what is it? Are there different kinds? I think there are. I tend to separate love into friend/family love and romantic love. Friend/family love is defined as a deep caring for the well being of an individual. You want them to be happy. You want what's best for them. You like being around them and talking to them. Romantic love adds to this. It adds infatuation. The physical attraction that differentiates a friend from a lover.What does this have to do with technology and LDR's? Everything. Through all of this communication with people all over the world, it is natural to develop a connection with some. You become friends. You care about what's going on in their lives. You care if they are sick. You start feeling that you miss them if you don't hear from them. This leads people to realize that they are in love with their pen pal. Natural, but then they start to think that the love they feel is actually romantic love when it should be defined as more of a friend love. And that is the birth of the modern LDR. I say modern because, before the internet, you had situations like mine above, but not like you see today where the people have been committed to eachother for years but still haven't seen eachother in person. It's because of the abundance of free means of instant communication methods at people's fingertips.My ultimate point here is to hopefully provoke some thought. I'm hoping to get people thinking about how they define their relationships. How they define love. What does it mean to be in a romantic relationship? To me, it isn't a romantic relationship if I never see the individual in person. All this technology is great for the in between time, but we need regular physical contact (no, I'm not talking sex) in order for me to define what we have as a BF/GF relationship. I wonder if some of the people we see here will feel the same way in time.Thank you for reading my first article here. If you have any suggestions or points you feel like discussing, please post your thoughts.Best wishes,Dirtball
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ex girlfriend, facebook, long distance, my ex, the internet Reply to this Article
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 October 2010):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the compliment glassblower. I have a question for you. If you relationship with your BF wasn't long distance, do you think you would have this "VCTM Crush" you mention in your profile?
To me, that's where it starts. Of course I'm guilty of having crushes on people while in a relationship too, and not an LDR either. I'm just curious as to your thoughts on that.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 October 2010):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the personal perspective. The difference is that you see eachother regularly. Many of the "Relationships" we see here at DC are between people who have never even met in person yet they've been in an LDR for 2 years. From what I've seen, only LDR's where regular contact (such as your relationship) is made can have any form of success.
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A
female
reader, glassblower +, writes (20 October 2010):
 I am also in a long distance relationship. I don't want to pretend that it's easy and that I don't wish he was here so I could see him in person every day. We met a while ago and I moved. Shortly thereafter, he told me how he felt, and while we have only seen each other once since then, he is a huge part of my life. We regularly talk, talk with each other's friends, chat with each other's parents and go through much of the same angst as if we were together. We have several boundaries for each other and it's okay to experiment with other people. I thought your article was great, Dirtball! Maybe it doesn't apply to me (and maybe it does), we'll see! Thank you and best of luck! xoxo glassblower
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A
female
reader, Natalie:)  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 I'm in an LDR, I have written about it on my profile, I don't mind the time apart, yes it is hard but whilst I'm at uni (and before whilst I was at sixth form) it really works because study and work during the week and then I see him almost every weekend!
We use skype and talk on the phone for an hour a day minimum whilst I walk home from the library or lecture I've been at.
It is possible that because this is my second ever relationship and first "serious" (which I define as being totally comfortable, open and honest with in and out of bed) relationship that I really had that intensity so I can't miss it!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 October 2010):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree. I see a lot of questions on here from people who have been in a "relationship" with someone who they have never even actually spoken too. I think that if you tried explaining how this is a committed relationship to someone of my grandparents' generation, they would laugh in your face.
My attitude has become this: you aren't dating if you've never gone on a date. Pretty simple. It may sound harsh, but it's the truth.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (2 October 2010):
Hi there. Yes what you say is so true.
People do hope that long distance won't pose any problems. The fact is it does. The biggest one would have to be loneliness.
People need people. We all need the physical contact - to be face to face, regularly. Anything else is really a very poor substitute.
I guess that texting and emailing, is often just a lazy way of saying hello to your friends and keeping in touch. Even a simple phone call is much better than that. You can at least hear their voice. You don't get that on texts or emails. You can only assume what they are really feeling. It's very limited.
Over the years, we have all made our lives so busy that we sometimes think we don't have the time to organise and actually see our friends - face to face. It somehow seems easier. It's rather sad.
Many friendships can go by the wayside because of not making that effort. It's really important to have the social connection. If you only rely on texting and emails to contact your friends, it can actually become rather isolating and lonely.
It could also cause people to lose some of their social skills.
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