A
female
age
36-40,
*atie23
writes:Hi everyone,I posted this the other day but didn't get any replies and more has happened since then so I thought I'd try again. So I posted a question on here a while ago, http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fallen-in-love-with-my-best-friend.html and I guess I need some more advice lol. The advice I got was really helpful, and I realised that my friend definitely needed time to sort his head out and the best thing was for us to just continue being good friends. But I'm still having trouble dealing with the the feelings I'm having for him and the way our relationship is. We've always had quite a flirty friendship, which was completely innocent until, well, it wasn't lol. But the way he acts around me has me a little confused about what he really feels about us. Like, if we've been out with friends and we're a little bit drunk he'll walk me home with his arm around me and we'll hold hands, or for example the other day he walked me home after a night out and we hugged goodbye like always and it seemed last a little bit too long and then his hands moved um, down shall we say lol. Also he'll always pay me compliments, even if he's just joking around when he's drunk, and he always notices if I'm wearing a new dress or heels, which us girls know is unusual for even our boyfriends to notice lol. There are other things that make me wonder, for example I stayed at his house with his housemate who is a very close mutual freind and slept in his bed as he was away on holiday. I txt him when I went to bed saying 'It's weird sleeping in your bed alone lol, have a good holiday.' To which he txt back that he would and to enjoy his bed. But he then txt me again at 7 the next morning (he'd been traverlling through the night) asking how his bed was. Which doesn't seem like an innocent txt to me lol, but maybe I'm reading too much into it? And that's my problem really, If we're only ever going to be friends then I'm fine with that, he will always be one of my best friends, but these little things he says and does confuse me and give me hope of something more.I know he's not in a position for anything to happen now, he's nowhere near over his ex, but it makes me think maybe in the future we could have something. I think I just need to know, one way or the other, so that I can stop wondering and start getting over him and enjoying our friendship for what it is. I guess my question here is really, what do you think is going on here, and do you think I should just confess to him I have feelings for him so I know where I stand in all this?Since I posted this last time, something else has happened. I had a few too many drinks on Saturday and sent him some texts suggesting that I missed him and that if he was going to be around then he should come and stay and that I wanted something to hapepen. I was embarrassed in the morning and txt him to tell him so and to apologise but he came down to go out with some friends and me on Tuesday night and something happened. We went out and he could have stayed at my house or another friends. He decided to stay at ours, I thought because we had a spare bed, but when we got back and were going to bed he asked me if I wanted a cuddle. So we ended up in my bed together, there was loads of tension and we ended up making out a lot but he would keep saying that we couldn't do this and I would agree and we would stop for a while. He was the one who brought up us sleeping in the same bed together, I'd have been way too nervous to suggest that, but he was also the one stopping it going any further. So he likes me enough to cuddle up all night, theres obviously an attraction there because something happened between us, but he cares enough that he stopped it from going any futher? I mean at one point he said we had to stop because it wasn't fair on either of us. I really don't understand what he is thinking or feeling and I just don't know how I should deal with this whole situation.I'm really sorry that I've rambled on for so long, I guess I just needed to get everything off my chest. Any advice or insight would be very much appreciated!
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I'm very sorry things didn't work out the way we had hoped. Do your best to stay strong with regard to the rules you laid out. It will be very important so that you can sort out your own feelings. How knows, you could end up in a "When Harry Met Sally" situation. When one is ready, the other isn't, then when they're ready, visa versa. Hopefully you eventually find eachother, or people who you can be even happier with.
A
female
reader, Katie23 +, writes (12 August 2010):
Katie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so I told him. I sent him as txt as I couldn't do it face to fce, basically said that he'd probably already realised but I like him as more than just a friend and that I knew he probably wasn't interested but I needed to say something. And his reply was that he had guessed and that he's not really looking for anything at the moment, not until after he goes travelling for a few months next year. So I guess now I know. And it's horrible but at least I can stop wondering. I told him that's fine but that if all we are is friends then he needs to stop all the flirty touchy feely stuff when he's drunk, and definitely not stay over again and he said he'll stop doing that stuff. So I guess we go back to just being normal friends, and I'll have to watch him go out and pull girls and hear all about it when we're out in a group and I'll just have to get over it. Thanks for all your help anyway Dirtball, it really did help me sort my head out.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 August 2010):
Nope, this is the kind of thing that I come to this webpage for! :D
Ok, given the new information, there are again a couple of possibilities here. I'll do my best to lay them out as I see them.
Possibility 1.
The person you talked to the other night was being 100% genuine and honest. I think this is plausible given the history that I have up to this point. What this means for you is waiting. The problem I see is everyone is different in the amount of time it takes them to get over a relationship, so there is really no cut and dry timeline for when you should try something. Too soon, and it could end badly, wait too long, and he could find someone else. I think that in order for this to work, you'd have to lay it out ahead of time. Let him know that you would like to be with him, but you want him to be over his ex first. You'll gladly wait, but will only do so if he's not out playing the field. If he is genuinely interested he will likely see this as a great opportunity for some self reflection and thank you. It may also motivate him knowing that someone who he really likes is waiting for him. It may cause him to rush himself too, but that is just one of the risks you'll have.
Possibility 2.
Your mutual friend was lying through his teeth. He was playing the part of the wingman who found a girl interested in his friend and is doing his best to keep you on the line until he can go get his friend and tell him. They may have never had that heart to heart, and all the rest could be made up as well. Personally, I see this as a lot less plausible, but it is still out there as a possibility.
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Chances are that he does like you. Men rarely have female friends that they wouldn't be "more than friends" with. It is part of our nature. My question still is how long do you want to wait? Is he worth the wait? What would you do if he ends up having a rebound relationship? What if the rebound lasts far longer than expected?
Another story. I've liked a close female friend for about 5 years now. I've had a crush on her since the day I met her. I found out she had a BF that she got together with right after her divorce. I figured he was a rebound and it would end soon enough. Well, I can tell you 5 years later that I was WRONG! Unfortunately for me. So I just go on being her friend, when inside I wish it was so much more. I know you know how much unrequited love can suck...
My point here is that sometimes waiting for something to happen is the worst thing you could do. I'm relatively sure that if I had made a move early on, I would have had a good chance (based on feedback from mutual friends). Since I didn't, I'm stuck in the friend zone, never to leave.
You need to tell him how you feel. Deep down, he doesn't know what he's feeling. He is hurt by his broken relationship. He is attracted to you, but he is wondering why. "Is it because I'm confused?" "Do I really have these feelings for my friend?" "What if I take it too fast?" "Is this just a rebound?" Being his first real serious breakup, he doesn't have a reference point to know what he's feeling. If you tell him what you feel, with some guidelines to what he should do if he'd like to try things with you, I think you have the best bet at getting to the bottom of everything. And by guidelines, I mean things like not dating a bunch of girls while he's "sorting out his emotions." It is good to be honest about what would drive you away. If you don't tell him, then you can't be mad if he breaks one of those unwritten rules.
I'm pulling for you, good luck!
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A
female
reader, Katie23 +, writes (9 August 2010):
Katie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering again Dirtball, and thanks for being so honest and kind about it. I understand what you are saying about not being first choice and about how he wouldn't talk about going out and meeting other girls around me if he was interested, but I also understand that his relationship with his ex was his first really serious one (eg he said she was the first girl he could see himself marrying in the future, and they were planning to move in together before things started to go wrong) and they've been split up for less than 3 months, so the way I see it even if he was interested in me he's not in the right place to start a new relationship, and yes he probably is going through that stage a lot of young guys go through when they come out of a relationship where he just wants to have a bit of no strings fun.
I was trying to tell myself that I should let him get on with it and I should try and start moving on and just see him as a friend when I had a conversation with one of his mates at the weekend that has just confused me again!
I was outside the club having just spoken to a friend on the phone when one of his good friends came up to me. We get on quite well and he made a jokey comment that he would try it on if he didn't have a girlfriend and I joked back that if I wasn't interested in someone else I'd let him. I kind of said it without thinking, just as a comeback more than anything but he asked who it was and immediately guessed that it was our friend. I denied it for a while until he convinced me that I could trust him not to say anything and I decided it would be ok to tell him, but I told him that it didn't matter because I thought that he wasn't interested and nothing would ever happen. He then turned around and told me that he'd had a heart to heart with our friend the night before, about his girlfriend and everything and told me that even though he wasn't over his ex yet, he thinks my friend does like me. I asked him why he thought this and he said he could tell by the way he talks about me. He then went on to tell me that he wasn't over his ex yet, that it's only been a few months and I needed to give him time (which I kind of knew) but that I should 'keep myself on the radar' and maybe things will change. This has given me hope again just at the point I was trying to convince myself that there was no hope and I had to start moving on. I'm more confused than ever! What do you think?
Sorry, I only meant this to be a quick update and I've rambled on again, I bet you wish you'd never answered in the first place lol!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Drunken hook ups are one thing, but if he was truely into you, he wouldn't be hooking up with other girls. If he's talking about other girls while you're around, then he's likely not interested. You've kind of become "one of the guys." In my experience, men don't typically talk about their other pursuits when in the presence of one of them.
As for your question about after a break up, could something happen? Sure. Like I said before; it's really rare for a guy to befriend a woman who he wouldn't be more than friends with. The question you have to ask yourself is: are you comfortable being his fallback? Are you ok waiting around till his first choice falls through?
You sound like a very nice girl. I think you diserve to be someone's first choice. I'm sorry to say it, but even if he does like you romantically on one level, I don't think you'll ever be his first choice. If you were, he'd be pursuing you right now instead of some other girl.
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A
female
reader, Katie23 +, writes (5 August 2010):
Katie23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys, I guess you've told me what I already knew, that whether he's interested or not I need to tell him how I feel. It's just such a scary thought! Also he's not around as much at the moment as he's at home for the summer (I'm a student and he's just graduated) but he is looking to move back to town with some friends soon. I think he probably has an idea that I like him and prehaps that's why he didn't let things go any further the other night.
I guess another thing I didn't mention is that I know that he's been out recently back home and got with at least one other girl when he was drunk. I know this because many of our mutual friends are guys, in fact a lot are his best guy friends who he has introduced me to, and so of course they have guy like conversations around me quite a lot. He will also talk about going out and looking for girls when I'm around. Does this change your opinion? Does talking like this around me mean he isn't interested or do you think that he just has to go out and be single for a while after the break up and when he is over that something could happen? Thanks again for your advice!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 August 2010):
Ok, I went back to read your original post as well. There is a ton of stuff going on here. Part of me sees potential here, and part of me sees this ending badly. I'll explain both perspectives.
The potential I see. Men don't spend time with women who they aren't interested in sexually. Just friends never means "just friends" to men, unless there is some sort of outside factor that comes into play (i.e. work, close mutual friends, etc.). My take is that he likes you, and wants to be more than friends. It's also good that you aren't rushing things anymore. Sure, you had some rebound sex with him in the past, but now you're sort of starting fresh, and as such, taking things slower. Being that you are good friends, you likely have good communication. That's a good sign in a relationship. Also, the fact that he wanted to cuddle with you is a clear sign of attraction.
Now onto the negatives. He's obviously not over his ex. He has conflicted feelings that he's trying to sort out. If you get involved at this stage, it will likely end badly. A short story. I got involved with a friend who I really liked. We had been friends for a couple of years, and she had gotten out of her first long term relationship about 6 months before we hooked up. She was convinced she was over him. We had a very passionate fling. Some pretty intense feelings. One night, when I was on about hour 10 of a 15 hour bender (had 3 parties to attend that day, gotta love graduation season in college), she told me that she wanted to stop. I knew it was coming, and since I was pretty drunk told her that I saw it coming because she wasn't over her ex. MY GOD was she pissed. We didn't talk for weeks. But a few months later, she called me up to tell me I was absolutely right. The moral of this story, we may think we are ready for something, even though we aren't. Your friend may think he's ready, but likely isn't.
So, what does this mean for you. Lots of confusion and a rollercoaster of emotions. On one hand, you do have good potential for a relationship. There are lots of things working in your favor there. On the other hand, you have to give it time.
You need to talk to him about everything. Lay it out. Be brutally honest with him and yourself. Let him know that you are feeling like you want more from him, but what's going on right now is just too confusing. You're willing to wait for him to be ready, but not willing to be a fallback if he goes out and has flings with other girls. Or, something along those lines.
I hope my my long answer to your long question helped. :)
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 August 2010):
Yes, I'm pretty sure he likes you. Why won't he made a move? He's as confused as you are. It's very hard to go from being just friends and into a relationship. He may well be scared that it will go wrong. He may well now know how you feel. I think though that the time has come for one of you to step up and speak to the other. Since you're the one asking for advice, I think it's best if you do it. Sit him down when you are both sober, and be honest with him. He will either be delighted, or will say clearly that there isn't a chance. But you need to take this risk, or you'll always wonder what could have been. Take this chance and go for it.
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