A
male
age
41-50,
dirtball
writes:Having been here for a while now, I see consistancy in many of the problems people who come here face. One major problem, although it isn't usually the one that brought them here, is communication. Communication is usually the underlying problem and the reason that the problem they're facing has gotten out of hand. Communication really is the most important part of any relationship, so why is it that it all to often gets tossed to the wayside? I hope to address this here.I'll start by discussing why communication is so important. Really, it shouldn't need to be spelled out, but in many cases it really does need to slap someone in the face for them to realize just how important it is. Communication is important because it's the only way that your partner can know what you're thinking and feeling. Sure, there are cues, and signs, and a sense you get about eachother, but really these are no better than conjecture. It truely affects every aspect of your relationship. An example: it is much easier if you just say "I'm not in the best mood today, mind giving me a little space? It was nothing you did, I just need to stew for a bit." Problem avoided. What usually happens is that their bad mood isn't expressed and an fight ensues over something trivial that would never have caused a fight on a normal day. Then, instead of talking to eachother about it, we talk to friends, or seek help on the internet. That's great, but nothing will be solved unless you talk to eachother. Why not start there? If you've chosen to spend your life together on some level, then you should be able to talk to eachother, especially about your relationship. That often why the first question I ask people who post a relationship problem is, "what did X say about this when you talked?" Why do people avoid communicating with their partner? Often it's because of a fight, or just a general lack of communication in the relationship. It's also easier to talk to outsiders because they aren't involved. Still that solves nothing. Problems need to be addressed in order for parties to move on. The only means we have to address problems is communication. Burrying it doesn't work. It's the lazy, "easy," way out. "I don't want to talk about it" is the mark of a failing relationship. "We'll talk about it after I calm down" is the mark of someone who understands the importance of communication.So here I am, ranting about people not talking to eachother about their problems. I'm not completely innocent here either, that's part of how I learned that a lack of communication doesn't work. The relationships that last are the ones who seek out eachother for support, communicate their desires and needs, and work out their differences through conversation rather than shouting matches. In a relationship, calm heads should always prevail. Don't be afraid to talk to eachother. I can guarantee that you both will be much happier if you learn how to communicate and address issues while they are small rather than when they grow out of control.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): You so right. What ever happen to communication? I wonder the same thing because my husband and I had great conversations at the begining. Now its really none what so ever. I try to conversate but its like every thing is irrelavent. He also had an affair so called cause I work too much and no one to talk too. I feel conversation is a key to a successful relationship or marriage. Hes so called tring to communicate now cause im ready to walk out the door after 10 years of marriage and together 14.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 November 2010):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for sharing your experience with this Jmtmj! I'm very glad to hear that things are going well for you. Learning these lessons is important and the younger the better. That way you can hopefully have years and years of happiness!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (21 November 2010):
 Keep up the articles bro, this stuff needs to be said!!
The opinions of strangers as mediators is only so useful...
Trying to interpret a stranger's partner's thoughts or feelings really is nothing more than self-biased conjecture at the end of the day. As lets be honest, if all language is 60-90% body language then a complete strangers opinion is about as useful as tits on a bull. I only continue to post in the hope that my opinion will do more good than harm...
I've started communicating with my new girl much more openly- but mostly in the form of humor with a kernel of truth to it and she seems to pick up easily what I'm serious about and what's me just joking around. Its the most relaxed relationship ever for me and I can't help but wonder whether its because I've put everything out there... even if it is in a humorous context.
When there was eventually an issue that I got an "inkling of seriousness" from because of her reactions when I joked about it, I brooded and over-thought about it for weeks... only to finally talk to her about it and within 2 minutes of "open talking" it was solved and we both laughed about the silliness of the whole thing.
I'm starting to see the value of open communication more than ever...
I'm also starting to believe that having a "calm head" as you say, is the strongest glue ever when it comes to making lasting and meaningful relationships...
but then again, I'm still a naive 26 year old... ;)
Anyhoo, keep it up aye!
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A
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reader, dirtball +, writes (18 November 2010):
dirtball is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. It's sad to me that people don't realize the importance of good communication. It can really be very easy, but can also be incredibly hard. I've started making this a prerequisite in my relationships. Part of my ground rules. Lessons learned through experience. Who knows how it will work, but at least I'm making that clear going forward.
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