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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I just wanna get out of this place...
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A. 2 August 2010: I have no idea the laws surrounding immigration or applying for asylum, however one thing I remember hearing is: to apply for asylum, you have to prove that your life is in immanent danger in your homeland. I wish you the best of luck with your ... (read in full...)
I'm clueless on the ethics of sex
Q. Assume that I am an alien from another planet that know nothing at all about sex. In fact I don't know anything about sex. I have not had sexual intercourse and I am 29 years old. For religious reasons I have abstained from seeing prostitutes and ...
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How does it feels having sex for the first time in your life as a teenager?
Q. How does it feels having sex for the first time in your life as a teenager?...
A. 2 August 2010: Physically it feels good. Mentally and emotionally it can be a different story. I thought I was ready at 15. I learned pretty quickly that I wasn't. Heck, on some levels I'm still not, and that was half my life ago.... (read in full...)
I'm clueless on the ethics of sex
Q. Assume that I am an alien from another planet that know nothing at all about sex. In fact I don't know anything about sex. I have not had sexual intercourse and I am 29 years old. For religious reasons I have abstained from seeing prostitutes and ...
A. 2 August 2010: Not to try and answer for Cerberus, because he is more than capable of answering for himself, I'd like to give you my view on the question in your most recent follow up.
Can sex still be great without the emotional connection?
Yes. The feeling... (read in full...)
I'm clueless on the ethics of sex
Q. Assume that I am an alien from another planet that know nothing at all about sex. In fact I don't know anything about sex. I have not had sexual intercourse and I am 29 years old. For religious reasons I have abstained from seeing prostitutes and ...
A. 2 August 2010: It's been almost a year for me now since I broke up with my last gf, so that means no sex for me. I'm very sexually frustrated, but I'll tell you what, I was almost more sexually frustrated in the relationship because I wanted sex and she didn't ... (read in full...)
My cousin proposed to me, I want to say yes, but what will my family say?
Q. When i was 17 my cousin came down to Texas from Georgia for a family reunion and when she got there she came up to me asked me to go for a walk down one of the trails that led to the river. Somehow she knew exactly where she was going and we stopped ...
A. 2 August 2010: So, you're only worried about how your family would react to the marriage, not the fact that you've been sleeping together for the last 5 years?
Ok, how closely are you related? Are we talking 1st cousins or is this some 4th cousin twice removed?... (read in full...)
I'm clueless on the ethics of sex
Q. Assume that I am an alien from another planet that know nothing at all about sex. In fact I don't know anything about sex. I have not had sexual intercourse and I am 29 years old. For religious reasons I have abstained from seeing prostitutes and ...
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Yes, it can be boring without the emotions. You just go through the motions. Sure it may feel good, bu... (read in full...)
Think I caught an STI during a threesome
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I don't feel I should have to prove myself to him!
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A. 2 August 2010: Well, having heard that men give great head, I'll admit I've been curious as to what it's like. I mean, who knows what a man likes better than a man, right? Still, I don't think I'd ever do it. It just doesn't excite me.
If you both are high... (read in full...)
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Q. I am 26 years old, and am in a relationship for the first time. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD, and am currently on medication for this condition. Largely because I have ADHD, and have no previous relationship experience, I am very, very naive. ...
A. 2 August 2010: How long have you been in the relationship? I'd tell her about the ADHD. If she is a good person this will not make her feel any different about you. Relationships should be built on honest communication. We all omit things about ourselves that ... (read in full...)
Feel sick day after giving BJ?
Q. I met up with one of my old guy friends who i havent seen inn aa longg whilee andd ii endedd upp giving him head.... And the next day i felt like i had to throw up... Is it normal.... Butt iff ii memberr rightt... The head of his penis hit the thing ...
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I get TOO wet during sex, what do you advise?
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A. 2 August 2010: The only think I can think of is having him pull out to "dry off" reguarly. But I doubt it will help much. It will also interrupt the action so that could also be detrimental to the pleasure.... (read in full...)
Do I leave my family and my life to go be with my cousin?
Q. I've always felt attracted to my cousin she's 18 now and I'm 20 but ever science we were little we've always hung out together and I always had to fight the urge to reach out and kiss get. But that changed when she was 16 and we where at a party ...
A. 2 August 2010: How do you expect to run away and start a new life when you can't even compose a coherent sentence?
For god sakes if you do run away together, do the world a favor and get a vasectomy so you can't reproduce with her. That's just what the sout... (read in full...)
My boyfriend says I have to plan every minute of our time together otherwise he has the right to play World Of Warcraft all day!
Q. I need some outside perspective here.. My boyfriend plays world of warcraft and he is obsessed. he plays every day for hours. The only time we see each other is the weekend and when i get there he will constantly play. He told me last time i was ...
A. 2 August 2010: I can't honestly understand what you see in him. He is unemployeed. He would rather spend time on his video game than with you. He wants you to plan everything. Seems awefully one sided in my book.
I say dump him. I've been known to spend wa... (read in full...)
My girlfriend and I are planning on having sex, but she says each time we talk about it all she can remember are her regrets about her first time!
Q. Me and my girl are in a long distance relationship, and we have decided that we are going to have sex the next time we see each other, but whenever either of us start talking about sex her regrets come up and constantly bug her, she has regrets ...
A. 2 August 2010: The more focus and emphasis that is put on it, the harder it will be for her. All this planning is making things harder. Sex should just happen when both parties are ready. Here in lies one of the major flaws with LDR's. Since you don't get to ... (read in full...)
I have a crush on my teacher but now he is leaving, I want to get him a thank you card but don't know what to say in it....
Q. This new teacher came to my school about 2 years ago..He has been my tutor for 2 years and he was my english teacher last year. I didnt start liking him till about 6 months of him teaching me,but it got worse and i eventually stopped talking to ...
A. 2 August 2010: I would keep it simple and professional. "Thank you for being an awesome teacher. You've motivated me to learn, and helped me when I needed it. I hope you are happy in your new position! Thanks again, Jessica" Say much more and you run ... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he responded?
Q. I have been friends with this guy for about 6 years. We love to flirt with each other a lot and have fun talking and chatting. The only downside is that he lives far away. I’m in California and he’s in Florida. We’ve both have flown out to see ...
A. 2 August 2010: Wow, thanks for the follow up. What an idiot. Be really glad you didn't send him a naked picture. If he's trolling your friend pool, you have no idea how many people he's doing this with outside your circle as well.... (read in full...)
Why do guys like performing oral sex?
Q. Hey Everyone, I'm 19 and a sophomore in college as well as my boyfriend. We have done everything we could think of besides sex which is something we are wanting to do very badly every we see each other. I seriously feel like everytime that f...
A. 30 July 2010: Love your instructions there Mia. Excellent advice!... (read in full...)
Why do guys like performing oral sex?
Q. Hey Everyone, I'm 19 and a sophomore in college as well as my boyfriend. We have done everything we could think of besides sex which is something we are wanting to do very badly every we see each other. I seriously feel like everytime that f...
A. 30 July 2010: Wow, quite a bit since I last checked in but it looks like Mia and Cerberus handled things well. As far as the taste of his cum goes... I think a lot of women get it built up in their head that it's going to be horrible. The more negative your ... (read in full...)
I'm having trouble coping with my sons' drug addictions!
Q. How can I be happy, when 2 of my son is a drug addict,and can die any time? I'm going for counseling , and they are keep saying, that is not my fault, and I should be living my own life, because it is his problem not mine.. I know , we gave ...
A. 30 July 2010: I lost a good friend to crack cocaine. He went from someone who I hung out with daily to someone who didn't even recognise me when I said hi. He ended up in jail, and got sober there. I lost touch with him, but the last I saw him, he was still ... (read in full...)
Why do guys like performing oral sex?
Q. Hey Everyone, I'm 19 and a sophomore in college as well as my boyfriend. We have done everything we could think of besides sex which is something we are wanting to do very badly every we see each other. I seriously feel like everytime that f...
A. 30 July 2010: Thanks for the kind words Mia, and I agree with everything Cerberus said. To answer your follow up questions.
Why do I like the control over your pleasure?
You answered that. You love it. Like I said before. Building the anticipation can... (read in full...)
My b/f is jealous towards my old boyfriend who passed away!
Q. So me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months, and we have a really good relationship, up untill a week ago. See my ex boyfriend pasted away, 16 months ago. And it has taken sometime to get over him, I have a tattoo for him, on my back. ...
A. 29 July 2010: Another thought. Your bf who passed away. You didn't leave that relationship because of some fight or flaw. He likely feels jealous because that relationship didn't end in a traditional way. It is easier to deal with feelings about a previous ... (read in full...)
My b/f is jealous towards my old boyfriend who passed away!
Q. So me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months, and we have a really good relationship, up untill a week ago. See my ex boyfriend pasted away, 16 months ago. And it has taken sometime to get over him, I have a tattoo for him, on my back. ...
A. 29 July 2010: He's having a jealous fit, and you just need to back away. There is nothing you can do about your feeling other than be honest about them. If he can't handle it, he isn't right for you. I say, tell him that you don't feel it is fair the way he's ... (read in full...)
Why do guys like performing oral sex?
Q. Hey Everyone, I'm 19 and a sophomore in college as well as my boyfriend. We have done everything we could think of besides sex which is something we are wanting to do very badly every we see each other. I seriously feel like everytime that f...
A. 29 July 2010: Ok, lots of questions here. I'll save the biggest one (the one in the title) for last.
Is it supposed to drive you wild?
It does to a lot of girls. There are a number of reasons why it might not have for you. You could have been nervou... (read in full...)
How can I gain my husband's trust back?
Q. My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We have been married for a year and a few months. I would never cheat on him, but I made a wrong choice. After I found out that he was talking with another girl and was hiding it from me, I ...
A. 29 July 2010: Double standard red flag waiving high and mighty here. It's ok for him to talk to a woman in secret, but it's not ok for you to talk to a man. It sounds like he's projecting his guilt onto you. You need to stop kissing his lying ass so much. ... (read in full...)
I'm having trouble coping with my sons' drug addictions!
Q. How can I be happy, when 2 of my son is a drug addict,and can die any time? I'm going for counseling , and they are keep saying, that is not my fault, and I should be living my own life, because it is his problem not mine.. I know , we gave ...
A. 29 July 2010: What drug are we talking about?
There comes a point in our lives when we make our own decisions. It is extremely difficult to let the ones we love destroy themselves. It is impossible for an addict to see how what they are doing hurts anyone b... (read in full...)
Why doesn't this guy text or phone me more often?
Q. Why doesn't this guy text or phone me more often??? We've been dating for 3 months- although haven't got intimate yet. He is always very charming and positive when we meet and as far as I know he's not seeing anyone else. So why does it seem like ...
A. 29 July 2010: Well, he could be playing hard to get, or he could just not be that into you. How often do you see eachother? I know that I hate the phone, so I'm not always the best about making calls or texts. He could be that way too. If it is always you who ... (read in full...)
I got a call from a woman who said my partner of 8 years was her fiancee! He said she was just playing a joke!
Q. hi im 32,ive been with my partner for eight years. he keeps saying he isnt ready for children and doesnt want to get married. just lately he hasnt been coming home and says he's worked late and is staying with a friend? a few months ago he went to ...
A. 29 July 2010: Yes, my gut says "CHEATER!" Of course, that's based only on the evidence you've given. Is what he said possible? Yup, definitely in the realm of possibility. The staying out all night is a bad sign though.... (read in full...)
My girlfriend says I'm too clingy!
Q. I've been with my girlfriend 9 months and she says i am too clingy... How can i be less clingy? I am 15, we both contact through texting... We both have unlimited texts so we can contact each other whenever we like? i want the sort of hard-t...
A. 29 July 2010: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. *cough* unlimited texting *cough* If you're being too clingy, that means you are annoying her with how much you're contacting/hanging around her. Try to back off a little bit. No need to ... (read in full...)
Its not her thing so why is she mad at me?
Q. What did I Do Wrong? Ok so me and my guy best friend John, are planning a camping trip. He made up a list with, Some french girls (I live in a french english community), Some guys, me and my boyfriend. Well talking to me one friend about it, he went ...
A. 29 July 2010: Been there. It's tough when you're friends with different groups of people who don't like eachother very much. You can try explaining that you were invited, and didn't feel comfortable inviting people when you are a "guest" yourself. That may ... (read in full...)
I want more than that but not sure show to play it?
Q. I met this guy on a dating site about 3 months ago. We have met about 8 times and get on really well. After the first date he said that although he fancied me he would prefer to become good friends and see what happened. I was fine with that but we ...
A. 29 July 2010: Well, there could be a couple of things going on. He could be a sweet guy who likes to take things really slowly. He may have been burned in the past and has resolved to not repeat the mistakes of rushing into things.
He could be a player, ... (read in full...)
Should I give this guy a chance even though he could be a momma's boy who cant support himself?
Q. A guy who lives about an hour away from me is coming to see me this weekend; this will be our first time meeting. That said, I just found out he still lives with his parents, and this worries me a bit. I'm 18 and in college, and he's 19 and a hs...
A. 29 July 2010: I'd say give it a chance. Also, you may want to find his motivation for living with his parents. Maybe one of them is sick and he's helping out. Maybe one of them lost their job, and he's helping them keep their house by paying some of the bills. ... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he responded?
Q. I have been friends with this guy for about 6 years. We love to flirt with each other a lot and have fun talking and chatting. The only downside is that he lives far away. I’m in California and he’s in Florida. We’ve both have flown out to see ...
A. 20 July 2010: You know, instead of texts or emails, it may be time for a phone call. It is much easier to interpret words when you hear them, and you can hopefully get some real answers.... (read in full...)
Why hasn't he responded?
Q. I have been friends with this guy for about 6 years. We love to flirt with each other a lot and have fun talking and chatting. The only downside is that he lives far away. I’m in California and he’s in Florida. We’ve both have flown out to see ...
A. 19 July 2010: He's probably a bit scared and confused. If you do decide to send him a message, I'd send something like "I haven't heard from you in a while, just wanted to make sure everything is ok." This will reaffirm that the ball is in his court.... (read in full...)
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