A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it fair to say that a guy that has been keeping secrets from his fiancee (including that he cheated on her 4 years into their relationship) is being extremely selfish? Is someone who believes that it is "OK" to keep secrets from the person he is marrying-- including secrets that he knows would lead her to question whether she would want to marry him or not--being fair to his fiancee? Or is he simply being selfish and a coward? I was told that I was being harsh in stating that my fiance wasn't truly in love with me or cared for me b/c I just learned that he has been withholding information from me that he knew would affect our relationship and lead me to reconsider whether we were both ready for marriage. He claims he didn't share his "secrets" with me b/c he didn't want to lose me, and is vowing to never cheat or keep secrets from me again if we are able to work it through. He has been faithful for a year now. But I just keep thinking that if he truly loves me, that he wouldn't be able to keep secrets from me...including the secret that he cheated on me once. He's kept that a secret for a year! Selfish and unloving is what I keep thinking, but I've had friends turn it around and tell me that it was actually b/c he loves me so much that he couldn't share it with me. Out of great fear that he would lose me...and he claims that he has changed over the past year in his commitment to me. I just feel that if he truly has changed, that he wouldn't be able to keep such huge secrets. Commitment to me has always meant honesty. Even if it means risking a lot. Any perspective would be appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):
Maybe he really thinks he was doing you a favor by lying.
So what?
Even if his mind had gotten things so twisted around to make his lying acceptable, where does that leave you? You still don't want to be with someone who thinks and operates that way, do you?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): ask oldersister, I am not sure what you are saying. Thank you all for your responses.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 He was so worried that you would leave him if he told you he cheated that he didn't tell you.
He clearly wasn't so worried that you would leave him if he cheated, that he didn't cheat.
What does this tell you?
What does this tell you about the future? He will in the future be so worried about leaving him that he won't tell you that he cheated on you. TELL. Not actually omit cheating.
LISTEN to what he is saying. Your story tells exactly what kind of person he is. There was a recent story in Holland about a guy who offered the cops a 10.000 euro bribe to keep his driving license, he would do ANYTHING to keep it. Except not speed.
Assholes, they tend to follow a similar pattern. Does your guy fit the pattern? Then congrats! You got an asshole. He wants to do what he wants, but not suffer the consequences.
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A
female
reader, xAx  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 I consider lying to someone is like taking away their right to know.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Is it ok to keep some secrets from your significant other?
I think so. There was a point in my life when I would have adamantly said NO, but that's not the case anymore. Maybe it's because I've been reading here so much, I don't know, but I see a lot of damage done to a relationship when people find out about an aspect of their partner's past that they have a problem with. A recent example is a girl who's partner was making her feel like she's a dirty person because she was the victim of molestation as a child and he couldn't deal with that. She was the same person who he fell in love with, all this information did was change how he viewed her. I don't know if they were able to work things out. I feel, that if someone truely loves you that you should be able to share both the good and bad from your past and have it accepted. After all, the past can't be changed, and it shapes who we are today. There are plenty of other cases where people have trouble dealing with their partner's sexual past. They start comparing themselves to the ex. They doubt that their partner is happy because they feel inadequate. Even when the partner gave no inclination of the sort. Sometimes omitting things can be done out of an idea of what's best for the person you love, and for the sake of the relationship.
Cheating is an entirely different issue.
My personal view on cheating is that it is the end of a relationship. I have this view for two reasons. First, there was a reason why the person cheated. This is a reason that is usually enough to break up a relationship on its own. The person is often just too chicken to make the break they should have first. Second, cheating destroys the trust in a relationship. Once trust is gone, it is nearly impossible to get back. Are there cases where cheaters have changed and gone on to have successful relationships with the person they cheated on? Yes. I've known a couple of them. The thing is that the person who's been cheated on has to TRUELY FORGIVE the cheater for their actions. Likewise, the cheater has to TRUELY CHANGE. Both of these are incredibly difficult to do and in most cases cannot be done. Even if the relationship doesn't end immediately, it is the kind of thing that haunts a couple until they deal with all the issues it created.
My advice to you would be to look into yourself and see if you can accept his apology, and decide if you can forgive him for the offenses he's committed. When I say forgive, I mean it. You can't use it against him in arguments. You can't bring it up later. Once it's been forgiven, it is truely water under the bridge and kind of like in court, double jeopardy applies. He also has to make a commitment to change in the ways that will satisfy the relationship. I'm very skeptical of change though. Change has to come from within the individual. When it comes from any other source, it is temporary. If he truely loves you, and truely WANTS to change, it will be a difficult road, but it can be done.
Remember, everyone has different views of what's the proper way to act in a relationship. Just because someone else's views are different, doesn't make them wrong or selfish, just different. Good luck in your decision, and I hope this helps.
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