A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm not really sure why I'm doing this because nothing seems to bring me peace of mind but I don't want to lose my boyfriend. He liked this girl who has been on and off with his best friend for years and then met me and started a relationship with me. I found out that he kissed her in the first week we were going out but I let it go because he didn't know me as well and was probably confused and both of them seemed genuinely sorry. when I was really angry at him one night I read his texts and found that when he was drunk he told her that he loved her and had for ages and wanted to know if she ever felt the same - he said he couldn't leave me though. She said she only thought of him as a friend. They still talk and it is this which makes me paranoid despite all these events being months ago. I sometimes read his IMs to her and they are always quite flirty in a friendly way but it makes me wonder if I was to be online at the same time which one of us would he talk to first? I mean, if you like someone but you don't want to then why not stop flirting with them?He is a naturally flirty person and I've told him this and he seems to now understand that people can take it the wrong way... but surely he should understand that he shouldn't do it!! I just can't tell if they are just friends (which I think she thinks they are) or if he still likes her. I love him so much if he did still like her I would be devastated. I just don't know how to find out without snooping on him, otherwise it'll be strange if I just come out with it...If she ever decided she wanted to be more than friends with him then I don't want to think he'd leave me but I can't be sure. It's really getting me down. Help :(
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Hmmm, what I'm about to write probably won't be easy for you. I'll apologize in advance for that.
He still likes her, and has some backward hopes of becoming more than friends with her. The reason I say that is because of the text proclaiming his love, and the fact that he hasn't backed off his communication with her. Here's the thing, guys almost always want to be "more than friends" with most of our female friends. Now, if we love the person we're with, we can be content with just a friendship, but we like to think that they will be options for us should our relationship ever end. Chances are, that they are just friends, but since this isn't by his choice, he will hold that hope for change as long as they continue to communicate.
Regardless of how this makes me look, I've got a personal situation that is similar. I was with my previous GF for 3 years. I loved her quite a bit. I also had a crush on a very close female friend the whole time. Actually since before the relationship even started. Thinking back, I don't think there was a time when, if my crush had wanted to be with me, I wouldn't have dropped my GF in a heartbeat to be with her. Ultimately I broke it off with that GF because it wasn't fair to her. I realized that I was just killing time waiting on my crush, rather than investing myself into the relationship body and soul.
Sadly I see my own actions in him. For what it's worth, it doesn't mean he doesn't love or care about you. He likely does. I just think he'd take the opportunity with her if it ever became an option. Also, if you forbid their relationship, you're basically ending your relationship. I don't see him giving that one up. I'm sorry.
This is just one guy's opinion, and I hope I'm wrong. Good luck.
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