A
female
age
41-50,
*23xyz
writes:Recently I went on vacation with my boyfriend, when he starting talking about a girl that he works with...he complains about her a good deal, but he also usually mentions that she tries to use her beauty as a weapon, other girls hate her, etc. When I met her, I recognized that she was very pretty, but I didn't necessarily think she was better than me in that way. However, more and more, I find myself measuring myself against her, which used to be unlike me. Now I feel really uncomfortable around her/when her name comes up because she is much prettier/thinner/more talented than I am. The only thing I can think of that makes me better than her is that I am a "nice" person, and my boyfriend says that she is a bitch. (He tends to measure us in that way, and when I asked him if he was attracted to her, he said that she was not beautiful to him because of her personality, and that I was beautiful in his eyes.) That should comfort me, I guess, but I know he prefers long hair (she has it, I don't) and that he has this strange dislike/obsession with her that makes me nervous. To top it all off, he talks about her as extremely talented, but honestly, he has never said that about me. I have a master's degree from a VERY comeptitive creative program, which I know he is proud of, but only because of what it can do for me in terms of getting a job. I also realize being admitted there does not mean I am talented, but I had great feedback from the faculty and I really trust their judgment. Anyway, my self esteem is plummeting, and I only have myself to blame for being so silly, but I don't know what to do. I'm an edgier sortof person, style (and personality) wise, and I'm starting to want to devote all of my energy to being a size 2 beauty queen with long perfect hair.I'm not sure what I will get out of that-security? My boyfriend's adoration? What the hell is my problem???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I completely understand where you're insecurities are coming from and yes your boyfriend may have shown too much interest in this woman. But we are human beings, its' possible for us to have strong emotions for others outside our relationships - it does not change that he is with and for for a good reason, probably for you being you. I would focus on what you guys have between you and not his impression of this person, as it is possible you have the wrong impression by his mentioning of her.
Whether we admit it or not we notice physical qualities in other women, he has probably also pointed out her talents because he is competing with her - it doesn't necessarily mean that he no longer holds you in the highest esteem.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Your boyfriend loves you. He wants to be with you. If he didn't, he wouldn't be with you. You sound like you know the answers to your questions. He loves you for you, be who you are. Don't change to fit any beauty mold. That wouldn't be being yourself. Keep being who you are, that's why he loves you.
One thing that you can do, is let him know that him talking about her as much as he does is starting to make you feel insecure. Even though what he's saying about her is negative, the fact that he is so focused on her hurts you. Tell him that it makes you wonder why she has such a hold on him. From my experience, he's likely venting his frustrations, which is a great sign. It means he trusts you and feels safe telling you anything. The fact that she's gets to him so much could be because of some underlying hate/attraction thing. It happens on occasion that people can be such enemies that a sexual tension builds. Ii realize that me mentioning this doesn't help, but it is in the realm of possiblility. Just becuase it's a possiblility, doesn't make it true though.
Have a heart to heart with him. Share your feelings. My guess is that he doesn't realize that the things he's said have had this effect on you. Often, when men are in a relationship that they feel secure in, we forget to realize that how open we are can cause insecurities in our partners. I think he loves you, and does not want this other girl. I don't think you should change who you are to fit some self induced standard. Be confident in your own skin. There is little on the planet sexier in my book.
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