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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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A. 26 July 2010: Leave the relationship. You were broken up, so you have nothing to apologize for. Do you expect him to make it up to you for having sex with someone else while you were broken up?
He will hang this over your head for the rest of your relation... (read in full...)
Sexual emails to ex could come back and hit me in the face
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My boyfriend wants sex and I don't know what to do?
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A. 26 July 2010: Yup, tell him you aren't ready. By the way, anal sex is still sex. It is actually more risky as far as passing along illnesses and such, the only risk that's reduced with it is pregnancy.
A good guy will wait for you, a jerk will leave. I'd agr... (read in full...)
Is my partner correct to want me to ask for his permission to answer the phone late at night?
Q. 22.15hrs I was having a talk with my partner about an important matter to us both. My mobile phone rang in the room next door, and he got up first to fetch it and brought it to me for me to answer which I did. It was a short message from a friend. ...
A. 26 July 2010: I get the whole respect, "would you mind if I answer this quick," thing while having a conversation, but in this case I don't see how it applies.
Here's how it played out (according to the OP's story)
They were having a conversation.
... (read in full...)
I love my boyfriend and our life together, but why should I pay for his friend's mistake?
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A. 26 July 2010: I was formulating an answer, but after reading what CaringGuy wrote, I don't think I could say anything better.
Ultimately, my philosophy is to help those who help themselves. If a buddy is in need, he can definitely crash at my place, but he n... (read in full...)
I feel like his sex doll! How do I talk to him about this?
Q. hi, I need your help please, I have been with my bf 4 months ago but I know him for a long time, I ve lost my virginity with him last year and we are having sex now after we came back together but the problem is that he doesn't care about me when we ...
A. 26 July 2010: Honest and open communication is where you should start. Despite the fact that he doesn't talk much, you need to let him know that what he is doing doesn't make you feel good. If he's a good guy, he will want to make you happy. It should be a ... (read in full...)
Is my partner correct to want me to ask for his permission to answer the phone late at night?
Q. 22.15hrs I was having a talk with my partner about an important matter to us both. My mobile phone rang in the room next door, and he got up first to fetch it and brought it to me for me to answer which I did. It was a short message from a friend. ...
A. 26 July 2010: I agree, this isn't the dark ages and you aren't ruled by him. If he was upset about the interruption to your conversation that's one thing, but you should not have to ask permission to answer your own phone. Besides, if he didn't want you to ... (read in full...)
What's wrong with my family?
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A. 26 July 2010: I'm still having trouble discerning the real problem here, but from your "pride and glory" comment, I'm led to believe you're referring to the fact that you get picked on for having smaller breasts than your family. Ultimately, you have the option ... (read in full...)
Addicted to lesbian porn, Please help me stop
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A. 23 July 2010: Loved your answer Mia! And I agree, on everything. If you want to stop, you stop. That's it. It's a matter of willpower. You don't HAVE to masturbate, and you don't HAVE to watch porn.... (read in full...)
My soul mate? But he suddenly has a girlfriend?
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A. 23 July 2010: Wait, he has a gf but he's spending the night with you? That can't make her very happy. I wonder if she's one of the posters on her asking if we think her bf is cheating on her...
... (read in full...)
If he's talking to his friends about a girl, does he like her?
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A. 23 July 2010: Depends on what they are talking about. It can be an indication he likes her. He could also be talking about how he finds her disgusting. He may be talking about how he heard she was a freak in the sack. Guys talk about all sorts of stuff with ... (read in full...)
We fought, broke things off, he wants me back and I've had enough!
Q. Hi All, Please can you advise me about the following situation,I had an argument with my ' boyfreind' of 7 weeks a few weeks back. Things were fine before that - but he cannot let go of his anger towards me, and has broken off the relationship...
A. 23 July 2010: Wait, you broke up and got back together 3 times in 7 weeks? Are you kidding me? No. No. No.
Why on earth would you want to continue with this crap? Tell him to stop contacting you. If he doesn't stop, threaten legal action. Find someone ... (read in full...)
Got drunk, had a threesome and now scared I'm pregnant and only 15!
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A. 23 July 2010: I believe most pregnancy tests won't show anything until 2 weeks after conception. I know you're scared so I won't go into the details about just how risky what you did was. I don't normally advocate abortion, but if you are pregnant, it is an ... (read in full...)
Signed a lease for an apartment at college, not sure I should have, suggestions needed?
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A. 23 July 2010: Being good friends with your roommates is overrated, sometimes it is easier if you aren't that close. As long as everyone stays friendly, you usually don't have problems. I've lived with people I was close with, and complete strangers, both have ... (read in full...)
What does double penetration mean?
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A. 23 July 2010: Swinging most commonly refers to partner sharing. Couples go to a party and have sex with other people's partners. ... (read in full...)
Need suggestions on how to make and keep friends??
Q. How do people make and keep friends? It feels like I either can't make friends or lose them if I make them. I wonder if my personality is really that bad and what I'm doing wrong for these people to stop being my friend? ...
A. 23 July 2010: Being a good fried is all about give and take. Like any relationship, if one person is always centered on themself, it won't work. Show interest in the people you want to be friends with. See if they want to hang out sometime. ... (read in full...)
What's wrong with my family?
Q. Okay I need some advice about my cousin,,shes driving me insane.My cousin is 14,I realise this makes her very confused and emotional,Im 17 and I look after her really well and I listen whenever she needs someone to talk to.I really care about her ...
A. 23 July 2010: What was the question in that mess? How do you put them straight if they won't listen? You don't waste your time because it won't do any good anyway. You get out of this mess at the earliest you can and don't look back. If you love your family ... (read in full...)
I'm freaked out! Girlfriend came home poured water on me at 3am! Why ???
Q. I don't know what to do. It's 3am, I was woken up by my girlfriend who dumped water on me to wake me up. What if I didn't wake up and drowned, there's a fan next to me and could have caught hypothermia and she's a nurse she would know about that....
A. 23 July 2010: Was it rude? Absolutely. Are you overreacting? Absolutely.... (read in full...)
Lied to a woman about my age. - 16 dating a 24 year old.
Q. I feel like an idiot. I'm 16 years old and I'm dating someone who's 24. Though, when we met.. I lied about my age and said I was 20. She believes it too because I look and sound 20. We haven't been going out very long, a month at the mos...
A. 23 July 2010: Ummm, sorry Gabrielle, but 24-16=8. Still, not a big deal when you're both legal. Until then, put a stop to this.... (read in full...)
Lied to a woman about my age. - 16 dating a 24 year old.
Q. I feel like an idiot. I'm 16 years old and I'm dating someone who's 24. Though, when we met.. I lied about my age and said I was 20. She believes it too because I look and sound 20. We haven't been going out very long, a month at the mos...
A. 22 July 2010: Tell her, and get out of the relationship before you land her in jail. How would your parents feel about this relationship? When you tell her, she will likely be hurt. You are a child, and that's what she'll see if she's a normal adult.
You l... (read in full...)
What does double penetration mean?
Q. "OP Own Title" what does double penetration mean? Does it mean to have sex with 2 guys or to have anal and vaginal sex at the same time using your finger or a vibrator? I'm a bit confused....
A. 21 July 2010: aphexinfinite is right, however it generally describes when a woman has a man both anally and vaginally at the same time.... (read in full...)
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