A
male
age
36-40,
*ittleAlfie
writes:My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 and a half weeks ago because I was unfaithful. We still speak regularly and have remained close even in this difficult time. Just last night I brought a television stand to her house, put it together, ad set her television up. When I was finished I found that she felt comfortable enough to curl up next to me, and for a brief moment, put her head on my shoulder. We still live each other very deeply, and I know right now she's feeling confused and hurt and lonely, and I truly don't want to take advantage of this. But to top it all off, she's sick. I'd like to do something to make her feel better, but I'm at a loss for ideas. She's got her own medicine, and teas, and books and films. I just need a little idea on what to do for her to show that I still care for her, and am there for her always. Naturally in the situation, she's saying she's okay, but she's stubborn. And it's my understanding that everyone appreciates being cared for when they're sick.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
 OP, I've gone back and read your other post along with your personal statement. I find your goals admirable, and I sincerely hope you can impliment the change you're seeking. If you are being truthful about your motivations for changing, then it can happen, but it will be a long and difficult road. I think that the anon poster at the end of your other thread gave you excellent advice. You have to demonstrate the change. That's easy to do right now, as you're highly motivated, the question is, can you continue it down the road?
Since she has stated that she still wants to have contact with you, then you should grant her what she wants. I'd suggest trying to be her friend, not her boyfriend. Give her space and demonstrate your changes through your actions. While I don't really see the outcome you're hoping for here, I hope that you'll prove me wrong. Just give it time, lots and lots of time.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
Fair enough. I've written about change many times, and was going with the simple answer here. Since you've followed up, I guess I'll explain my view again.
People can only change when they want to for themselves. Change for any reason other than and internal motivation is temporary at best. Change is incredibly difficult, and cannot happen in the short term. It takes months if not years of dedicated effort to make any substantial change in our lives. You have to really want it. REALLY REALLY want it, deep in your soul. Most of the time, people don't really want to change for themselves, so they don't end up actually changing at all.
Temporary change is easy. That's why people will get back together with someone who promises change. They'll see that change for the next couple of months and then people slip back into their old ways. I have example after example from my own life that I could point to, but I don't want to write a novel here.
Why did you cheat on her OP? Why did you do it multiple times? What makes you think you're worthy of being with this person who you've hurt so badly in the past?
I'm not trying to discourage change, I'm trying to discourage you from hurting her again. Please, by all means, prove me wrong. Somehow, I doubt you will. You can have the purest intentions in the world, but your behavior is what matters. Your track record doesn't speak well for how you'll actually act, does it?
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A
male
reader, LittleAlfie +, writes (17 August 2010):
LittleAlfie is verified as being by the original poster of the question That was me. And I want to thank all, er most, for your positive reinforcement and advice.
As for those who believe people don't change, I feel it incumbent upon myself to let you know, from personal experience, you are part of the problem, not the solution. Such simplistic and narrow minded statements are the reason people resist the effort to change. Branding anyone for anything and discouraging their obvious attempts to improve themselves does little to help the process.
That being said, if someone joined this site for advice, answers, and ultimately, understanding, they deserve a bit more than shallow generalizations, don't YOU think?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
People don't change. If hmm92 is right, then you're a multiple offense cheater proving my point.
Honestly OP, you sound like a nice guy on some level, but once the trust in a relationship is destroyed, it takes years and years to build back. If you truely care about her, you'll not keep playing with her feelings. Dig deep down, I bet you can see that she diserves better. Can't you OP?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I'm sorry, I have to disagree with you 'dirtball'. Yes, sometimes we have to live with the decisions we make but, it is also wise to know when you can change things by redeeming yourself. It isn't good to live with bad choices, better to have tried to seek redemption. Yes, if he cared for her, he wouldn't have cheated but some of us know how difficult it is sometimes to stand against the fluxing tides of emotions. I'll give you advice, but it won't work unless you make a promise to her, to yourself and if you're religious, to god that this is what you want and you will stay loyal to her this time.
Do NOT look at her being sick as an opportunity to get her back. If she's sick, you need to be there as a friend and ONLY as a friend. Do little things like making sure she's got enough water near her. If she's got a fever or something, make sure there's nothing noisy around to add to her headache. Stuff like that shows that you still care. But you can't expect her to go right back to being in a relationship with you. If you truly want this to work, you'll need a lot of patience because it will take a lot of time for her to start trusting you again.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, hmm92  +, writes (17 August 2010):
your the guy who posted that thing the other day about consistantly cheating arnt uyou?
if shes sick you had better make sure you mean it this time because theirs not going to be a third chance. it seems shes forgiven you mostly but she obviosuly hurt, just take things slowly and at her pace, continue to be their for her anddont try anything. let her make the moves and shell show you when shes ready
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
Back off. I know you want to help because you care for her, but all it will do is make things harder for her. If you cared for her, you wouldn't have cheated, and then you could be there for her. You can't have both. Sometimes we have to live with the decisions we make, regardless of how we may feel after.
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