A
female
age
41-50,
*20sunrise
writes:Sorry for the long comment- I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now and i'm completely inlove with him- i think. when i think about him it's wonderful, and i love kissing him and he has the sweetest eyes. The problem is that i often fantasize about other guys.. i'd love to hookup with another guy.. and the BIGGEST problem is.. that i have. twice. i cant help myself at all. i could never tell him because i cant lose him! he's my everything! it could be because he's a verrry jealous guy... and maybe its making me want someone else more? but i want him, i'm so confused, please help i need advice!!
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male
reader, James the Rocket  +, writes (27 August 2010):
420sunrise, I can't believe what I wrote here!
As a man, I would like a 3some myself, for the thrill of having two women go down on me at the same time, mostly. Also, it would give me the feeling that even if I get cheated on, I'm still a worthy male.. think of that what you will, everyone, but that is what is in my mind!
I can understand you being reluctant, as I would be worried about a 3sum with a guy for the same reason.
Really the best answer is to not tell him, but you are obviously a decent girl and you have guilt (you just like sex, perfectly natural) so all I could think of and can still suggest is to get him involved with another, to balance things.. I had assumed he didn't satisfy you sexually.. but anyway, the 3sum idea was the way to ease him into being freer... cos I feel you would be hurt if he had sex with another woman outright, without you involved.
This is a tough one, isn't it? People think that folks like us who love sex are heartless, but we do have strong emotions, don't we? Good luck lady.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (19 August 2010):
 "but we have such a strong relationship." Stop right there. You don't have a strong relationship. You have a relationship built around lies. Lies that are starting to get the better of you or you wouldn't be here. If you want to show him that you care about him, you'll start by being honest with him and asking for his forgiveness. I wouldn't expect much, but at least you'd be making steps in the right direction to change your ways.
Listen, nobody is perfect. This may be the thing you needed to slap you out of your unhealthy ways. Only time will tell. If you want to change, then you need to work hard at it. Real change doesn't come easily, and it can ONLY come from within you. Any other change is temporary at best.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (19 August 2010):
 Strong, healthy relationships are not about keeping score and "getting back at each other". That is a sign of distrust and is generally unhealthy.
If you want to change your ways, then do it. CHANGE. There's no sense feeling sorry for yourself. The question is, do you really want to change, or is that only until you meet an attractive guy who wants to hook up with you?
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A
female
reader, 420sunrise +, writes (18 August 2010):
420sunrise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto: James the Rocket. Thank you so much, i mostly enjoyed reading your because you didnt just tell me how bad of a person i am, i know i'm a horrible person and i know i don't deserve him. Thank you for the advice but i dont know if i could ever do a 3sum! i would feel so self conscious or something.. and worry that he may find her more attractive.. and i am aware that that's a horrible thing to say because of what i did..
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A
male
reader, James the Rocket +, writes (18 August 2010):
I think stopping your behaviour is only going to make you resent him. Um... what's your phone number? Just kidding! I think the best thing to do in a perfect world, would be to tell him it's ok for him to have fun if he wants, or maybe get another girl to have a threesome. Possibly you could go to a swinger party, to swap or engage in an orgy.. this involves him more and will negate the guilt. I'm no expert and I've never seen any case like yours in the short time I've been researching this stuff, but my instincts tell me you are wanting to be fair to your bf but are scared of him leaving you. And he IS a bit of a fall back guy. Maybe his dick isn't very thick and u like sucking him, but sex isn't great? If u really want him, then my 3some/swinging advice is sound.
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A
female
reader, 420sunrise +, writes (18 August 2010):
420sunrise is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey.. these answers really hurt to read, i constantly had to stop and breath.
i know i needed to read it though.. i know i don't deserve him at all. but we have such a strong relationship that its to hard to tell him, many of you probably think i've cheated on him several times, the first time was when we first started dating and i was so stupid. the second was last year at the a party, i was super super drunk, and i know its not the best excuse but that is why.. i feel so bad and i've been in this dark hole ever since it happened.. i can't tell him it would wreck to much :'( i promise from now on i will be faithful, it will make myself feel better and our relationship more healthy.. i don't know how to tell him.. i don't want him to leave me..
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A
female
reader, katie123  +, writes (18 August 2010):
If you were in love with him, you wouldn't cheat on him. Come clean and end it as he obviously deserves someone more truthful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): You dont love him.If you loved him,you wouldnt be cheating.You dont hurt someone you love.You're trying to convince yourself that you love him.Sounds like he's just your fall back guy.You say he's a verry jealous guys.Did ever think of what his reaction would be if he found out or caught you out?He might not take it well,he might flip out and hurt you or do something drastic,or he might give you a bad reputation out there.Always think of the consequences before do something.If he dumps you,you deserve it,you dug your own grave.You will just have to deal with whatever happens.You have no excuses,you knew exactly what you were doing.Remember,what you give,you get back.Honestly,you've doomed the relationship,its halfway down the drain.Rather tell him,& stop wasting his time,money & effort. Good luck though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Well, I think that you might be mixing your other feelings with love, but it might be possible you do love.
If you are in total love and absolutely adore him.
I suggest you tell him (if you haven't already),It may ruin the trust in the relationship, but you will have honesty in the relationship, that is if he still wants to be with you.
If you think you have mixed your feeling up, then i suggest you break up with him, and wait for the true feeling of love to come round.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): U can always be possibly addicted to sex? Cause I know how you feel. There could be some kind of chemical inbalance in your brain. Its possibly true.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Evil lady! Stop cheating! Tell your boyfriend sot hat he can leave you and find somebody else who will treat him with respect. If you love him, you will let him leave you because you know you are not good for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): Hey,
You don't love him.You would never do such things if you genuinely loved him.
He deserves a lovely,confident lady who is reliable,trustworthy and honest.Leave him.You don't deserve him.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Theres nothing wrong with fantasizing but thats where it should end. You cant fully love your boyfriend if your cheating on him!
How would you feel if it was the other way round?
Sorry if this is harsh, its just the way I see it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 August 2010):
Quit being so selfish and quit hurting your BF. If you loved him you wouldn't be doing this shit. Plain and simple.
He's your everything, but you can't even be faithful to him? Really? You don't want to lose him but you cheat on him multiple times? He's your everything but you can't even tell him the truth about your actions?
You don't deserve to be with him. Either break it off, or tell him the truth so he can break it off with you.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 August 2010):
 You say that your boyfriend is jealous...it sounds like he has good cause to be! I sincerely hope that you are using protection with the other men. It is one thing to cheat, quite another to pass on anything nasty you might contract from these casual encounters. If you are really unable to control your behaviour, I suggest that you seek counselling for sex addiction. It can have a very destructive impact on a relationship. Blaming your boyfriend for being jealous is not the answer. The best thing to do would be to admit the problem (which you have done today), and then seek help.
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A
female
reader, snex450 +, writes (18 August 2010):
Yeah i think if you loved this guy that much then u wouldn't be thinking about other men,there must be something that he isn't giving u that other men are which is??
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (18 August 2010):
Everybody has some type of fantasy about someone else when they are in a relationship. It's natural. HOWEVER... acting on it is different. Being in love, and being with your "everything"... that stops you from acting on any fantasies because ultimately that person you are with IS your fantasy.
What you are doing is wrong and you need to stop. Make him the ONLY one in your life, if not... then you shouldn't be with him. Or anyone for that matter.
I think you need to seriously consider what the word "commitment" means and decide if it's for you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (18 August 2010):
 I'm with person12345 here. Listen to her.
My only other comment is don't tell us you can't help it - you CAN help it!!! and if you value your bf as much as you say you do, you WILL!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 August 2010):
 If he's your everything then you'll stop. You need to stop. It's completely heartless what you're doing, not to mention disrespectful. It's very easy not to cheat. See, you don't put yourself in situations where it would be easy for you to cheat. When opportunities arise, you say no. If you want this guy you HAVE to stop. Otherwise you have to break it off with him, as this is not fair to him at all.
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