A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:ok so me and my best friend (a guy...he's bi) have known eachother for like 6 yrs and were really really close. weve always hung out around once a week, sometimes twice and always spend hours and hours just hanging out. weve spent almost the whole day together like 12 hrs straight many times and its always lots of fun, never a boring moment. its been like this for the whole friendship and weve only gotten closer with every year..were always realy relaxed around each other and joke around a lot, and lately flirt a lot but nothing serious, just playing around kinda stuff. ive said i felt like he was my younger bro and he has always said he felt like i was his big sister, were alot alike and get along really well. weve told each other love you and it was just in a friends way, at least ive always thought so.but now he has a new bf and theyve been going out for a month, and he didnt even tell me he had a new bf and hasnt even asked me to meet him, which hes always done with his past bfs and gfs and we usually tell each other about who were goin out with or who we like. i bearly hear from him lately and havent heard from him at all for like 2 weeks, which is really unusual when before his bf we'd talk at least every few days and usually talked online alot and saw each other alot.my othr best friend michelle thinks he likes me, she keeps sayin it but i don't wanna think that if i don't know for sure, and right now i don't. im really confused, ive had feelings for him for a long time now but never said anything cuz i didnt wanna ruin are friendship and for a really long time i was in denial bout it cuz i didnt think he felt that way too. but lately since like last nov. i've felt like he might, like i get vibes from him and at first i didnt think about it but it got more obvious after a while...and since then weve gotten real close, like with most ppl im not very touchy feely and am usually really uncomftable about ppl touching even my arm but with him its okay, like we'll joke around and push each other and we always hug and its usually a long hug longer than most people i think. we reall care for each other and it was showing up alot since last year but now he has a bf and i feel like im being totally ignored. ive asked him if hes free and wants to hang out three times now and he just doesnt answer the question like he'll answer other stuff but its like he was ignorin it when i asked to hang out. im really hurt by it, i dont know whats goin on and becuz he has a new bf i feel so ignored and it hurts so bad cuz i want to be with him, im really jelous that his bf is gettin all his time now and i get none. i kno its natral for ppl to get distant when their in a new realtionship and all but its been 2 weeks and i really really miss him. ive been givin him space lately and havent texted him or anything cuz i felt like its what he wanted, but its so hard not to talk to him and not to see him for so long. he used to always want me to come over even up til recently and wed always have fun and go on adventures even when he had a bf, but now with this one now that hes around alot more its like i dont even exist.the other thing is that michelles like maybe he likes you and it scares him alot cuz now hes with this guy and its confusin him. hes only had 2 gfs in the 6 years ive known him and mostly dates guys, so part of me is like well he must like guys more how can he like me?? and his bf is stayin with him this whole month and thats when he started gettin distant, and michelle says ""he likes you and knows it and is afraid itll get in the way of his bf"". she just keeps sayin it i mean shes known him a while to like 3 yrs, and ever since nov she was like i can so see it he so likes you..you should just tell him and get with him.i just dont know plz help, what can i do? i just want him to be my best friend again. i dont know whats goin on, why would he stop talkin to me? allso what should i do about my felings for him?? he has a bf and i would never come between them and hes even said hed never cheat on him but i feel like he mightve picked up on how i feel and i cant lie ive dropped hints but he has too and has even joked that wed be perfect for each other and a couple times has even joked around and said lets do it. like 'do it' do it. plz help!!
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 August 2010):
 I can tell you're confused. You're in a tough spot. I can empathize because I too have a crush on an unavailable close friend. I've tried showing her how much I care. I know in my heart that she knows how I feel, even without me telling her, but you know what. I'll never be sure until I finally work up the nerve to tell her, face to face, how I feel about her.
I've written letters, to try and vent. I've tried dating other people. I've tried cutting all contact. None of it has worked. That's part of the reason I know that this will eat away at you if you don't tell him. BUT, you have to do what you think is best.
You'll always have the "what if we break up" scenario. Even good friends can "break up." I sincerely hope you can find a way to be happy. Don't let weakness get the best of you like it has me, you don't want to go there, trust me, it's miserable.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your answer dirtball, it was very helpful. the reason i havent said anything is cuz im afraid things would be awkward with us if i did tell him..even the thought of losing him or just losing the closeness and trust we have makes me so sad, more sad than I am while hes being distant right now. i need to know how to make how i feel more clear without coming out actually saying it or a way to tell him that would be easy to recover from if he says he doesnt feel the same or doesnt want a relationship. the other thing i was thinking about is what might happen if we date and it dont work out and we start hating each other. weve never argued....ever. weve had small disagreements but never actually got mad at each other and i know being with him would be amazing but I wonder sometimes if hed want to go back to a guy while with me.. i still have to sort out my feelings i think but i know i love him and actually get butterflies when im with him which almost never happens... im just very confused right now.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 August 2010):
As a friend you have to be happy for him, even when it pains you to do so. I think your friend Michelle was correct in her observations and you missed the boat. Now that he's in a relationship, that's taking up the majority of his time. They're in the honeymoon phase, so they want to spend every minute together. It's natural and it will pass.
I would consider sending him a text along the lines of, "Hey, you've disappeared. I'm sad i haven't heard from you in a few weeks and I miss you. I hope your relationship is going well. I hope to hear from you when you have a chance." This would not overstep any bounds. After all, you're good friends, and it is natural to want to stay in contact with good friends.
What should you do about your feelings for him? This is a much more difficult. You have a couple of choices. You can "bottle and bury" or "confess." Sometimes hints aren't enough. You have to stop talking in "what if's" and just say, "I like you and want to try taking our friendship further." This can be hard, but there is an old saying: nothing in life worth having comes easy. If you choose not to tell him, you'll likely have to bury these feelings in order to maintain a friendship without it hurting you seeing him with others. This isn't recommended. I've been doing this with a close friend who I have feelings for. Basically what happens in my case is I separate myself from her and start moving on, only to have everthing come rushing back the minute I get a personal email from her, or we hang out. Ultimately it is unhealthy but difficult to get past.
Who knows, his relationship could pass very quickly, and you can be there to catch him and offer him support. That would be a great opportunity to express how you would never hurt him like that. I hope you can work this out. Good luck!
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