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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Should I shave to have my first pap smear?
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Was my boyfriend's behaviour appropriate?
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I think you're right Ti... (read in full...)
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How I can get rid of unwanted desire?
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A. 28 September 2010: I think you'll find that everyone is different. I've faked orgasms in the past. I knew my GF was satisfied and I couldn't feel myself being close. I pretended to cum and then cuddled. The problem is that it's hard to hide the fact that you still ... (read in full...)
He lies to me about smoking pot, do I have the right to be upset or am I just making a big deal about this?
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Does he like me as more than just a friend?
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A. 28 September 2010: I have a general rule about guys that applies here.
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the... (read in full...)
Why does he look at porn? Am I not good enough for him?
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You said he used to look at porn, does that mean he stopped because it upset you? That's a great sign. It means he was willing to give up something he liked because his love for you was stro... (read in full...)
Stuck between my boyfriend and my best friend!
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A. 28 September 2010: No, absolutely not. There is something called precum which the penis releases to help lubricate and clean the urethra. It contains sperm. It can get you pregnant.
If you are trying to avoid getting pregnant your best bet is to seek contrace... (read in full...)
He lies to me about smoking pot, do I have the right to be upset or am I just making a big deal about this?
Q. A few years ago, my husband hid the fact that he smoked pot from me once in while. I found it and that's when he admitted to it. I know a lot of people think this is not a big deal, but when you have children and are married, I think it's time to ...
A. 28 September 2010: Well, coming from a biochemical perspective... Marijuana is much less harmful than alcohol. For example, it is impossible to kill yourself with an overdose of pot, where as people kill themselves with alcohol poisoning every day. It affects ... (read in full...)
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A. 28 September 2010: Yeah, if you've been off of birth control for over a year, then you definitely need to see a doctor. I bet it is actually something that is common for them. There are fertility specialists in most hospitals. I wouldn't worry. ... (read in full...)
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A. 28 September 2010: Because you are!
Just kidding. Seriously, a foot fetish isn't that rare. I met a girl once who greeted me by sucking my toes. I was a little weirded out because her bf was sitting right there and I didn't know her, but meh, that's her thing. ... (read in full...)
Is there a scandal here?
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A. 27 September 2010: I think you should tell your BF about this. Since nothing happened, you should have nothing to worry about. This is also the kind of thing that is much better for him to hear from you and not from someone else.... (read in full...)
We've broken up but he still looks at me
Q. I got dumped just about a month ago. There was nothing wrong with our relationship, we got on very well and he did not dump me because of a bad relationship, but because he felt we were very different. He still loves me and meant everything he said. ...
A. 27 September 2010: I think it would be best if you left him to work things out. He may still like you, but whatever his reasons for breaking things off, you're better off if you move on.
He passed up on a good thing. His reasons don't matter as much as his acti... (read in full...)
I feel so used and so jealous!
Q. I feel like i really hate myself. Im in a really dark place. Basically, Im 27 years old and single mum to 5 month old baby. I dont know whether its cos I spend quite a bit of time alone and have a lot of time to think about things and Ive j...
A. 27 September 2010: I'm very sorry you feel this way, but is there a question here?
I would strongly suggest two things. First would be moving. Starting over some place where nobody knows you is a great way to reinvent who you are.
Secondly, I would encourage ... (read in full...)
I can't get pregnant but I'm afraid to ask my doctor why
Q. Okay so my and my fiance have been together for 6 years and we are trying to have a child but have had no luck. We have sex all of the time so timeing is not one of my concerns. We know that he is fertile because he got a previous girlfriend ...
A. 27 September 2010: Just because he was fertile back then doesn't mean he couldn't have damaged "the boys." I think you should both go to see a doctor.
Also, check out things about ovulation cycles. Focus your sex around the times when you are most fertile.... (read in full...)
Could I have HIV?
Q. hi i am 38 years old female and had two sexual encounters 9years ago, i am really scared i might be hiv, generally i have been in good health, odd cold/flu generally accompanied by a cough(im a smoker), chest infection x2 in that time, but over the ...
A. 27 September 2010: When you had these blood tests, did they check for HIV?
If you are concerned, then you need to go see your doctor and get tested. They can actually test for this with a mouth swab now so you don't even need to have blood work done.
To me, ... (read in full...)
Will she ever be ready, or is she just teasing me?
Q. Ok I dont want to come off as a jerk so please don't hate on me. My gff is 19 and a virgin, am I 22 and not one. We have been dating for 3 months and she says she still sin ready. I DONT pressure her, I don't want to hurt her in any way BUT it is ...
A. 27 September 2010: Man, I don't mean this to sound like a hater, but going 3 months without sex is killing you? You sound a bit overly dramatic to me. Heck, my last GF would sometimes go that long between our sexual encounters. I'm not going to lie and say that I ... (read in full...)
Should I stop sleeping with him before I get hurt?
Q. I've slept with an old friend a few times and I really like him. The only problem is that he is really bad at keeping in contact. The last time I saw him, I told him that he was pretty rubbish at keeping in touch with me and he told me that he was ...
A. 27 September 2010: I'm inclined to agree with LazyGuy. Unless you're content being nothing but a friend with benefits, I'd get out.
I doubt this guy will ever want a real relationship.... (read in full...)
I want a large family, and I want to start when I'm 19. Is this a good idea?
Q. Before you answer this question, could you PLEASE understand that, I know I may be talking about being young to do all these things, but I believe that if I'm ready for it, I shouldn't sit and wait around. I should do it. My parents don't know this ...
A. 27 September 2010: How big of a family are we talking about? I agree with Chigirl that you should secure employment first and foremost. You'll need to have an income in order to afford food and shelter for yourself, your BF and your children.
Honestly, if everyone... (read in full...)
My boyfriend lied to my face& up to now he is still hiding it from me
Q. Just this summer, I saw that my boyfriend had one of this girl's number on his recent texts, meaning he was recently texting with her. Oh and he knows that I hate this girl so much. So I asked him about it and he told me that "probably someone was ...
A. 27 September 2010: You've got to talk to him about it and have the bill with you for evidence. If "somebody probably used my phone" is still his excuse for explaining 4 hours of texts, then he needs to go. He's obviously lying, but the bigger question is if he is ... (read in full...)
I have no idea what happened that night?
Q. okay so my question what the hell happened this night? so i am 16 and it was a saturday night and me and my freinds decided to go out into town (clubbing) becasue i had a free house so then we could come home when we wont too. When we were in t...
A. 27 September 2010: Unfortunately, nobody here will be able to tell you that either. What has this taught you?
I hope it has taught you to be more conscious of how much you drink.
My guess is that they took you to bed when you passed out. Being black out ... (read in full...)
How to discuss my sexual fantasies with my partner?
Q. i have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 4 years.We have a great relationship and sex is good but only lately I have been having outrageous sexual fantasies like the desire to be heard while having sex, making out at odd places etc.I ...
A. 27 September 2010: Sit him down and tell him what you just told us. Well, minus the almost cheating part. He is not as comfortable with this stuff as you are. Many people are taught not to talk about sex as if it is some bad thing. You need to tell him what you ... (read in full...)
I want my virginity back!
Q. i had premarital sex wid my xbf.he used me to said he ii marry me.now i get a guy who luvs me and marry me.but i dont want to marry him like dis .i want my virginity back plssss help me...is there any treatment for that?...thnk u ...
A. 27 September 2010: Unfortunately there is not. There are some surgeries to restore the hymen, but that doesn't make you a virgin again. Your best bet is honesty. Tell the new guy the truth. If he loves you, he will accept the fact that you aren't a virgin.... (read in full...)
What do US guys think about asian girls?
Q. okay i'm a japanese girl and my family's moving to US in a few weeks. i have a lot of friends here in japan so i guess my personality's not bad, so i hope to make lots of friends in the states. and hopefully i would like to have a boyfriend too. but ...
A. 27 September 2010: Well, I actually just went to NYC my first time this year. It is one of the more progressive cities in the US, so you should run into fewer backward people. However, there has been a slew of them recently protesting a mosque being built, so they ... (read in full...)
I'm just not sure how to work him out, and how long to hold back on having sex with him.
Q. Hi, I'd love your opinions (esp. from guy readers) as I'm confused about a new relationship I'm in. I've been seeing a lovely guy from work for a few weeks, having spent a month or so talking to each other before that. He has arranged some really ...
A. 27 September 2010: I say take your time. It may be difficult to stop yourself, but I doubt you'll regret it. Still, you might want to try going back to his place to cuddle. That will give you a good indication of his intentions. I mean, he could actually take you ... (read in full...)
Long distance and time's running out. How do I win his heart and make him want a future with me?
Q. He’s 36 and lives in Germany. I’m 27, in London for 2 years now but due to return to Asia next year when my job secondment ends. We met on 5 Apr (5 months ago) when I brought my parents on a month-long DIY / free and easy trip in Europe. Since ...
A. 27 September 2010: Ok, I apologize because when it got into the day by day text exchanges, you lost me. But at the core of what we're dealing with here is a "relationship" that will never be what you want it to be.
It's nice that you had some good exchange... (read in full...)
I want to fake a pregnany to get back at him!
Q. I already know what everyone will say to this, but please say it anyway! I met a guy on an internet dating site and we have been speaking on msn for a few months, he lives about 100 miles away from me and seemed to really like me. he kept begging me ...
A. 27 September 2010: At the same time it might not be a bad idea to establish his paternity. That way you can get child support and what not. Even if you say you don't want it now, raising a child is difficult and expensive. He should at a minimum be financially ... (read in full...)
Changing her mind about having an abortion
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A. 24 September 2010: You know Flynn 24, I was with you until you started preaching that anti choice drivel in the 3rd paragraph.
I believe that she should definitely consider your opinion OP. It isn't fair for her to make this decision alone. Still, keep in mind tha... (read in full...)
Why does my teacher act so weird around me?
Q. So there is this relief teacher who has just been accepted into my school and i know for a fact that she is only 19. I'm 16, a girl, and i'm the senior in my school. When i first saw her, i was blown away because she was really quite attractive. She ...
A. 24 September 2010: I've known plenty of shy lesbians. ... (read in full...)
Online dating slump!
Q. I have begun to use online dating again and It seems like every time I meet a guy I get attached to quickly. The last guy even lead me on so much to believe he was attached and really interested then told me out of nowhere I was too clingy and not ...
A. 24 September 2010: I think your feeling that there aren't many people out there for you is part of the reason you get attached to the hope that a contact provides. Cast a wider search. You may have to open yourself up to the idea of relocation if there aren't ... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 24 September 2010: I think he's stringing you along. If you were looking for closure, then that's what you need to get. One way or another. 2 years is too long for a separation. Either get the divorce or work it out. It is unfair to be the way you are at the ... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend and I think another guy likes me!
Q. hiii :) This is not the hardest question to answer and may sound a bit silly, but your answers make a difference :) I have a boyfriend and i think another guy's actions towards me indicate that he likes me( and my friends think there's a chance h...
A. 24 September 2010: Yeah, that's nothing. If anything, the next time you see him, pick on him about it.
I think you like this boy. I think you want him to like you. There's no harm in that, but it also isn't fair to your BF.
Think about what you really ... (read in full...)
How do I talk about new things to try?
Q. Hey everyone I'm 19 and my boyfriend and I have engaged in everything besides the obvious. One of which is sex and we are waiting for the right time. The other one was the one I had a question about. Is there a specific name for when the guys slides ...
A. 24 September 2010: Is there a name for what you described?
In porn it's called "tittyfucking." Sorry for the curse word, but I don't know any other names for it.
Do guys like it?
Yup. Well, I can't speak for all guys, but I know that I sure as hell do! ... (read in full...)
I found hidden in the closet sex video with wife and her boyfriends...
Q. Please help! So my wife told me I needed to do more around the house. Help her clean mostly. I had never really done it and I felt I should help...wish I never had. I started cleaning out our bedroom. Under the bed, behind dressers, etc......
A. 24 September 2010: Ahh, the reformed wild girl. A couple of points. Just because she did something in the past, that doesn't mean she liked doing it. People will often do things they regret because they are "performing" on something like that. People tend not to ... (read in full...)
Online dating slump!
Q. I have begun to use online dating again and It seems like every time I meet a guy I get attached to quickly. The last guy even lead me on so much to believe he was attached and really interested then told me out of nowhere I was too clingy and not ...
A. 24 September 2010: It's part of your personality. It will be very difficult to change. I think it will matter less when you find the right guy though. Hopefully you'll find someone who appreciates the contact. There are definitely guys out there who will, just ... (read in full...)
What do US guys think about asian girls?
Q. okay i'm a japanese girl and my family's moving to US in a few weeks. i have a lot of friends here in japan so i guess my personality's not bad, so i hope to make lots of friends in the states. and hopefully i would like to have a boyfriend too. but ...
A. 24 September 2010: Lol, "Redneckland." Yup, that should be the name of an amusement park. I'm starting to get ideas for rides already. A rollercoaster where the cars are shaped like pickup trucks complete with "truck nuts." A trip to mulletville. Hmmm, I might ... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend and I think another guy likes me!
Q. hiii :) This is not the hardest question to answer and may sound a bit silly, but your answers make a difference :) I have a boyfriend and i think another guy's actions towards me indicate that he likes me( and my friends think there's a chance h...
A. 24 September 2010: "what i don't understand if why he rejected me?!"
What? You mean the FB thing? Or did you ask him out?
If you're referring to the Facebook thing, that was probably a joke, that's why he did it in your presence. If you're talking about so... (read in full...)
Why does my teacher act so weird around me?
Q. So there is this relief teacher who has just been accepted into my school and i know for a fact that she is only 19. I'm 16, a girl, and i'm the senior in my school. When i first saw her, i was blown away because she was really quite attractive. She ...
A. 24 September 2010: I wouldn't do anything until after you graduate. Any kind of relationship with a student is forbidden in the majority of schools out there.
I'd say she's interested but she knows what boundries she cannot cross and this is one of them.
... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend and I think another guy likes me!
Q. hiii :) This is not the hardest question to answer and may sound a bit silly, but your answers make a difference :) I have a boyfriend and i think another guy's actions towards me indicate that he likes me( and my friends think there's a chance h...
A. 24 September 2010: I'd say he likes you. Most guys don't care if you're in a relationship or not. If you're giving him flirty signals back (which you are) then I could totally understand if he thinks you're interested.
So, now the question becomes, what if he do... (read in full...)
What do US guys think about asian girls?
Q. okay i'm a japanese girl and my family's moving to US in a few weeks. i have a lot of friends here in japan so i guess my personality's not bad, so i hope to make lots of friends in the states. and hopefully i would like to have a boyfriend too. but ...
A. 24 September 2010: Watashi wa Nihon no onnanoko ga daisuki desu.
Sorry if my Japanese isn't that great, I'm still learning.
Personally I find asian women very attractive. I think that what your friend experienced was something you'll find in most cultures th... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 24 September 2010: I apologize. I interpreted your separation as more then what it actually was. Given the fact that you were still married, that does change things a bit.
Still, what you may have just done is sealed the divorce. Whatever your reasons for sepa... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 23 September 2010: To be honest, I'm not a big fan of what you did. Then again, I'm not a big fan of what he did either. Here's why.
The way I see it, if you two were in such regular contact, why did you ever get divorced in the first place. A divorce should b... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 20 September 2010: My guess would be that the GF found out and didn't like it. She forced him to cut off communication. That's my guess.
The only other thing I can think of is that something happened to him. Have you seen him post anything on Facebook in a while?... (read in full...)
I want to fake a pregnany to get back at him!
Q. I already know what everyone will say to this, but please say it anyway! I met a guy on an internet dating site and we have been speaking on msn for a few months, he lives about 100 miles away from me and seemed to really like me. he kept begging me ...
A. 2 September 2010: Having been on the receiving end of faked pregnancies, I'm very against such things. I'd recommend reading the story of the boy who cried wolf.
That being said, he was an ass. I believe that people like him get what's coming to them. There is... (read in full...)
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