A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago, my husband hid the fact that he smoked pot from me once in while. I found it and that's when he admitted to it. I know a lot of people think this is not a big deal, but when you have children and are married, I think it's time to give it up. If you can drink and have fun, why do you need to smoke pot? Well, I said that I was not going to stand for it and maybe I was a little harsh, but it bugged me that he lied about it. Well, fast forward to 2 weeks later after he promised he'd quit. We were at our friends 30th birthday party and he decided to secretly do it again. This broke my heart since I asked him not to do it and he swore he wouldn't. We are also going through many other issues right now with his lying and I told him to come clean with everything that I might be upset about. Well, he's done pot here and there since then. Am I making a big deal about this? What makes me the most mad is all of the lying. Please help me understand. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (13 October 2010):
 Ok, then make the issue about honesty and truth. Tell your husband that there is no need to lie to you, that you would prefer to discuss things like proper adults. He's an adult, your an adult, surely it's possible for you to discuss issues, and sometimes compromise and sometimes agree to disagree.
It's childish, this lying and hiding thing. Treat each other as adults and give each other proper respect, learn to talk about your differences, and allow each other to grow and develop, even if this means ignoring habits that you may disapprove off.
"Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", by John Grey is the classic textbook on building proper communication together within relationships. Talk, talk is always the best way, but you must accept that you both will have your own opinions and views and may not always agree.
Set up a weekly session when you both agree to talk truthfully and share some hidden secret, without judgement or criticism. This will help encourage honesty and build love and trust within your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your advice, ever though I feel some are a bit harsh. That's O.K. though because I respect your honesty. I want to clear something up here though. It's not so much the pot that I have a problem with. It's the lies. If it wasn't a big deal, he shouldn't have hid it from me for years in the first place. He should've just said this is what I like to do with my friends once in awhile and it's no big deal. I would've respected that. It should be about trust and honesty. There's way more issues in our relationship and this is just a part of it, so I guess that's why I was more harsh about it.
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female
reader, Avalon +, writes (28 September 2010):
Pot smoking is not a big deal. In my opinion, it's no worse than drinking or smoking cigarettes. If he is growing or dealing, then it would be a problem. If he's just getting it off his buddies and enjoying the occasional joint here and there, you have nothing to worry about.Smoking pot is an excellent stress reducer. As a married man with children, I can imagine that he gets a bit stressed from time to time. Meet him halfway by telling him he is to keep it out of the house and away from the kids.In the end, you have the right to be upset because it's something you don't approve of...but that doesn't mean you have the right to take away his right to smoke it.Honestly, it's not a big deal. Go easy on him, and it may just help the relationship a bit. Talk to him about it, ask him questions (IE: how do you feel when you smoke it? what are your reasons for smoking it?), but don't get angry by his answers...just listen to what he has to say with an open mind.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 September 2010):
I think your making a big deal about it. Yes it's illegal, but the effects of pot are less than the effects of being drunk on alcohol.YOU DECIDED HE SHOULD GIVE UP!! mmmm... difficult to make decisions for other adult people and then expect them to be happy and expect them to agree to make you their leader and sign up to your rulebook.If he only smokes occasionally, he will not go to jail, it is a misdemeanour's offence, it only gets a warning. Since you are in the house as well with the children, your kids are in no danger. I'll assume since he's hidden it from you, he's hidden it from them and has never smoked in front of them.He smoked at a friends birthday party, when there was no kids around and he was surrounded by adult friends. Therefore your concern is not about the children, you just don't want him smoking pot, but you haven't told us why you want him to stop.All you've said is it's "time" he gave it up, as if there's an age to get old and leave your previous pleasures behind.Your husband likes a smoke occasionally, it doesn't harm you or the children in anyway. You want him to stop, but you haven't given a reason.... Again and again I say the same thing.. If you try to play warden and jailer, and ban people's pleasures, don't be surprised when they ignore you, hide and lie, and continue doing the same thing. Yes it's not right to lie, but this is what people do when other people seek to control them and tell them what to do.He doesn't want to give up pot, he doesn't want to argue and he doesn't want to see you cry and get upset, so he feel's he has no option but to lie.You've decided, he must give it up.. well, he doesn't want to, but he doesn't want to argue either about it. Perhaps if you talk to him, rather than just telling him what to do, maybe if you can share with him your thoughts and concerns, and listen to his opinions, wishes and views, then he may find it easier to give up, knowing that you have discussed this like adults, instead of being made to feel like a naughty kid being caught by his angry mother.People sneak and hide and lie about things, when they feel that they can't be honest, open and have their own opinions.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 September 2010):
 I think that's a good plan. Have you expressed an acceptance of the behavior? I know that you said that you feel that it should have stopped when you started a family, but he obviously didn't feel the same. Have you talked about WHY he doesn't feel he should stop? Is he responsible in the other areas of his life?
For what it's worth, it is possible to be a responsible pothead (and your husband doesn't sound like a pothead to me, more like an occasional user). My brother is finishing up his Ph D program as we speak and he smokes pot very regularly. I would never call him dumb nor irresponsible regardless of the fact that he smokes pot. My point is that everyone is different and there can never be blanket rules for everyone.
If he had said to you at the party: "My buddy X wants me to go with him and smoke a joint. I really want to go, would you mind?" Would you have been able to calmly say, "Sure, it's a party. Thanks for talking to me." If not, then that's part of the reason for why he hid it.
I hope that counceling helps you both understand the other's perspective. I hope you can work past this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your honesty. We do have many issues, but the lying is the worst. I guess him smoking pot is not the biggest issue. The issue is him lying about it and, as you said, that he wouldn't do it again and he did. And he kept it from me. Maybe it would be different if he asked or if he told me prior to doing it, I don't know. I am going to be calling a marriage counselor and maybe just try to figure out the lying aspect of it.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 September 2010):
Well, coming from a biochemical perspective... Marijuana is much less harmful than alcohol. For example, it is impossible to kill yourself with an overdose of pot, where as people kill themselves with alcohol poisoning every day. It affects different areas of the brain too. Really, it is one of the least harmful illicit substances available on the black market. If you'd like me to go into depth about how it affects the brain, I'd be happy to, but I think that there is a bigger issue you'd rather hear about.
His lying. His lying is coming from a couple of areas. When people smoke pot, especially after they've become professionals or have started a family, it is something they feel much more inclined to hide. Not only because of the illegality but because many people don't understand that is it just as harmless to the user as a glass of wine at the end of the day. Hiding it becomes habit and is also done out of self preservation. Since they don't view the activity as a problem, they have difficulty understanding why others may. Even if they understand why others don't like it, they have likely been doing it for years and really feel that it is not a problem.
The biggest issue that I think we agree on isn't so much his drug use but the fact he promised to stop and then did it again. This is where you should focus your argument with him. If you try discussing the harms of pot your argument is easily defeated. You mentioned other issues going on right now too. Would this be the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back?"
If you aren't already, you should seek some marriage counceling. I'm sure that he has issues as well that are coming out through this behavior. The only way to get to the root of these will be to have an open discussion where the conversation is kept civil and people are aided in understanding eachothers point of view. Often when we discuss hot button topics with the people we love it will end in a shouting match and it ends up doing more damage than good. Hopefully with the help of a qualified therapist, you can get these issues hashed out and get your marriage back on track. Good luck!
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