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*irtball agony aunt

*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

_____________________________________________

I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

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Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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Getting him to take care of himself!

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Getting him to take care of himself!

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Is my sensei hitting on me?

Q.   hey it's probably nothing, but i'd like to hear your opinion all the same. i train in aikido, a not very well known martial art, and i have been for about 4/5 months. i help my sensei (teacher) around the dojo(school) as it pays for half of my t...

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Is my sensei hitting on me?

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A.   11 September 2010: Nope, not true. ... (read in full...)

He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore!

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He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore!

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Boyfriend says I nag him, am I a bad girlfriend?

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A.   10 September 2010: "i dont think it's that bad? if hes happy to stick with me and wont pluck up the nuts to dump me then he must find my behaviour acceptable on some sort of level?" That's just it. You said he's pulling away. That's an indication that he's not... (read in full...)

He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore!

Q.   My boyfriend doesn't seem to want me as much lately. He doesn't kiss me, hold me, or tell me he loves me as much as he used to. He don't even try to have sex with me anymore! He used to try A LOT! I don't know if he's bored of me or if he found ...

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I might be gay but I'm scared to tell my family! What do I do?

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A.   9 September 2010: I agree with The Realist. Know for sure before you come out. They may have trouble accepting it, but deep down your parents love you and want you to be happy. It may be slow, but they will likely come around. As for the friend you're crushing... (read in full...)

Does anyone else feel that by men constantly watching porn means that they will never be really happy with a real partner?

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A.   9 September 2010: He won't admit a problem even when you make sexual advances and he turns you away for porn huh? What a jerk. I'm very sorry this guy doesn't appreciate you. I'm sure you will find someone who does.... (read in full...)

Another boy kissed me, and now my boyfriend broke up with me! Will he forgive me?

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Is it fine for a guy to sleep over at his friend's house if we live together?

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A.   9 September 2010: I personally see no problem with that. I'm with eyeswideopen that I'm assuming this friend is a guy and that they'll probably be drinking. I've crashed at friends houses plenty of times. I don't get how him sleeping somewhere else could hurt so ... (read in full...)

This boy I like is making jokes about my height!

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A.   9 September 2010: Ditto to what the others have said. Really it's just a sign of his immaturity. The big thing I see here is that he tells his friends he loves you. When a guy makes the step from telling you to telling other people, it is a really good sign he ... (read in full...)

G/f lied to me and was used as a sex toy for 2 years

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A.   9 September 2010: Gotta love closed mindedness.... (read in full...)

Boyfriend says I nag him, am I a bad girlfriend?

Q.   Hi dear cupid advisors, My bf has been pulling away from me recently, i have asked him why here is what he says: he thinks i am a nag, he is in debt, i have been telling him not to spend, save his money, cut up his cards. i have access to his ...

A.   9 September 2010: Ice pack, ha! I was thinking an ice pick to the temple might help make my head feel better after this one.... (read in full...)

Sometimes I'd rather be alone than be around him!

Q.   ok so i have been with this guy for 3 years now, and we have had our up and down moments, but lately its like he jumps from one extream to the next.. one minute he wants to be jewish and goes full force now he wants to be christian and become a ...

A.   9 September 2010: I think you're spending too much time with him. Do you have other friends outside of the relationship? Can you go out with them regularly (like weekly)? This may help. All his back and forth would get very tiresome to anyone. However it sound... (read in full...)

Do men get PMS?

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A.   9 September 2010: CaringGuy is right. What he did was out of line and you need to tell him calmly that you will not accept that. Men get moody sometimes too. Often our other emotions come out as anger. You see, (this is an explanation not an excuse) from a y... (read in full...)

I'm not attracted to his big belly!

Q.   I've been with this man 20 years older than me for 3 years after my divorce. I love his look even though he's got a big belly. Our sex life is good. Recently I just feel his big belly is a turn off to me. I try my best to ignore it cuz I still ...

A.   9 September 2010: You say your sex life is good, but then a couple sentences later say you don't get turned on and he finishes before you've even started. This doesn't sound like the definition of good to me. Maybe you meant that it's good for him, or you have ... (read in full...)

He said he didn't love me and I was just a "sex thing"

Q.   i have a big promblem ive been seeing a guy im in love with he's been treating me me very very poorly he used me for sex he wanted his friends to make out with me. ive told him lately that i love him he said he doesnt love me and he doesnt have ...

A.   9 September 2010: Be glad this asshole is out of your life. What a waste of oxygen. I'm sure you can find a guy who will love you and treat you right. You should never have to deal with jerks like this!... (read in full...)

What makes a guy want to be with you?

Q.   what really makes a guy want to be with you? I have somebody who is faraway from school and I keep thinking that if he finds someone else than he won't bother to like me anymore. Can a guy just like you?...

A.   9 September 2010: What makes a guy want to be with you? Attraction and connection. Initially it's attraction, that primal urge to be with another person. Connection comes when you get to know eachother and you know if that attraction runs deeper than just the ... (read in full...)

Boyfriend says I nag him, am I a bad girlfriend?

Q.   Hi dear cupid advisors, My bf has been pulling away from me recently, i have asked him why here is what he says: he thinks i am a nag, he is in debt, i have been telling him not to spend, save his money, cut up his cards. i have access to his ...

A.   9 September 2010: Yes you are. You're being quite horrible to him. The constant comparison to your ex is one of the absolute worst things you can do in a relationship. Hell, it sounds to me that you'd rather be with the ex anyway. 1) Your ex kicking off his ... (read in full...)

Should I apologise to her again personally?

Q.   hi i had a fight with my girl in the office. our friends and other colleagues were also there. she shouted on me and i did the same thing. afterwards i realized that it was my fault. due to my guilt i apologize her by writing a note rather than ...

A.   9 September 2010: Yes, an apology should always be delivered in person. A note is just half assed and isn't a real apology. A note is only really suitable for very minor things. For a blow out fight that was witnessed by others, you have to apologize in person. ... (read in full...)

My girlfriend got pregnant to keep me in the relationship!

Q.   I have been in this relationship with Grace (not real name) for almost 6 years now I have been staying with her for 3 years out of the six. She tells me she intentionally got pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful 2 year old baby girl because she ...

A.   9 September 2010: It sounds like your relationship with Grace has run its course. Unfortunately she sounds very manipulative and unscrupulous. Not a good combination. She sounds a bit like a sociopath as well. She's turned you into her puppet and if you start to ... (read in full...)

My ex deleted me off his Facebook and it's upset me...

Q.   Hi this is gonna sound so silly but im really upset cos ive just seen that my ex has deleted me off facebook for no reason! He split up with me 2 years ago, we never really got on after this but 3 months ago i seen him out we ended up talking and ...

A.   9 September 2010: Let it go. He's not worth pursuing. If he was interested in getting back together, he would be actively coming after you. My guess is that he's hooked up with someone new and she didn't like the fact that he was friends with his ex on FB. Tha... (read in full...)

Boyfriend weird???

Q.   I'm have been in a committed long distance relationship for one year and two months. Me and my bf were talking on the phone and I told him that I'm going to watch movies with two of my guy friends on friday.. and then he started teasing me and i ...

A.   9 September 2010: He was jealous and wanted to try and make sure you knew he was still interested. I don't know where you come up with him using you. He drove 9 hours to see you because he was worried about you going out with other guys, even if he won't admit ... (read in full...)

G/f lied to me and was used as a sex toy for 2 years

Q.   When I met my girlfriend, she told me she hadn't had a boyfriend in 4 years. While "technically," this was true, it turns out she had had a "casual relationship" with a man for two years. And she continued having sex with him for a short time even ...

A.   9 September 2010: I think you're over reacting. She wasn't being a sex toy because she chose to be there. She could have ended it if she wanted to. It doesn't sound like she was being used and abused, they had a casual sex relationship. BOTH men and women want ... (read in full...)

Getting him to take care of himself!

Q.   Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...

A.   8 September 2010: I'm interpreting this as getting him to masturbate instead of pushing sex. There are some women here who are wondering why their husbands masturbate instead of having sex with them. I'm sure they'd tell you to be grateful for what you have. B... (read in full...)

Does anyone else feel that by men constantly watching porn means that they will never be really happy with a real partner?

Q.   Does anyone else feel that by men constantly watching porn means that they will never be really happy with a real partner? Of course most wives will never be as attractive as skinny teen porn stars - because they are not teenage any longer, pert boo...

A.   8 September 2010: First of all, please don't generalize all men based on your experience here. I love porn, and watch it regularly, but when I have a willing partner, I always choose her. Rosy Palms just can't compare to the real thing! He has a problem. When pe... (read in full...)

He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore!

Q.   My boyfriend doesn't seem to want me as much lately. He doesn't kiss me, hold me, or tell me he loves me as much as he used to. He don't even try to have sex with me anymore! He used to try A LOT! I don't know if he's bored of me or if he found ...

A.   8 September 2010: Good question Odds. Have you two actually had sex? I agree that if you haven't then his behavior is much more explicable.... (read in full...)

He doesn't even try to have sex with me anymore!

Q.   My boyfriend doesn't seem to want me as much lately. He doesn't kiss me, hold me, or tell me he loves me as much as he used to. He don't even try to have sex with me anymore! He used to try A LOT! I don't know if he's bored of me or if he found ...

A.   8 September 2010: Sounds like you've got to quit trying so hard. If he pays more attention when you're giving him less, then that's an obvious solution. The thing is, I'm wondering if this isn't just a sign that the relationship is fading. Too tired can be a goo... (read in full...)

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