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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Think about what you really ... (read in full...)
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Why do people asks the question "Are you a virgin"?
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My th... (read in full...)
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I still have love for her but the physical attraction is gone
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A. 24 September 2010: Well, you can try to motivate her by finding things you can do together. Going for walks, maybe joining a gym together. Heck, sex burns a lot of calories, maybe if you two can have lots of sex, you'll watch some of that weight melt away.
Reall... (read in full...)
My boyfriend keeps asking me if I want to kiss him! Help me and my boyfriend, please!
Q. hey guys, I started with my boyfriend on the 22nd of september 2010 and he keeps asking me i wanna kiss him but i dunno what to do. I`m scared if i say i`ll loss him and if i say yes i dunno what will happen because i`ve never kissed a boy be...
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Listen, you should never do anything you aren't comfortable with. Never. If you aren't ready to kiss him, then tell him that. If you lose him over it, that will be ... (read in full...)
Should I say something to him or just let it go like nothing happened?
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A. 24 September 2010: You're not going to like what I'm about to say.
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I love her so much but I don't think I can deal with her new rules about sex!
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I had a good friend in college who was an alcoholic. I was a very sweet guy, but his alcohol abuse just got out ... (read in full...)
What do US guys think about asian girls?
Q. okay i'm a japanese girl and my family's moving to US in a few weeks. i have a lot of friends here in japan so i guess my personality's not bad, so i hope to make lots of friends in the states. and hopefully i would like to have a boyfriend too. but ...
A. 24 September 2010: Lol, "Redneckland." Yup, that should be the name of an amusement park. I'm starting to get ideas for rides already. A rollercoaster where the cars are shaped like pickup trucks complete with "truck nuts." A trip to mulletville. Hmmm, I might ... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend and I think another guy likes me!
Q. hiii :) This is not the hardest question to answer and may sound a bit silly, but your answers make a difference :) I have a boyfriend and i think another guy's actions towards me indicate that he likes me( and my friends think there's a chance h...
A. 24 September 2010: "what i don't understand if why he rejected me?!"
What? You mean the FB thing? Or did you ask him out?
If you're referring to the Facebook thing, that was probably a joke, that's why he did it in your presence. If you're talking about so... (read in full...)
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Q. So there is this relief teacher who has just been accepted into my school and i know for a fact that she is only 19. I'm 16, a girl, and i'm the senior in my school. When i first saw her, i was blown away because she was really quite attractive. She ...
A. 24 September 2010: I wouldn't do anything until after you graduate. Any kind of relationship with a student is forbidden in the majority of schools out there.
I'd say she's interested but she knows what boundries she cannot cross and this is one of them.
... (read in full...)
He worries about his performance in bed but can happily masturbate in front of me!
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A. 24 September 2010: That's quite odd to me. Have you two had sex in the past? Maybe you need to tell him that you're horny too and would love it if you could play with eachother instead of him playing with himself. Ease into it. He's insecure in one area, but ... (read in full...)
Is my thinking far too possessive or do I have a good point?
Q. Ok I have a bunch of friends, well they're not really close friends as some of them are a bit untrustworthy and have been known to 'shit' on their mates by sleeping with their exes etc. I also have a boyfriend who I love very much. We been together...
A. 24 September 2010: How do you know what the boundries should be when he is out with your friends?
Basic rules of relationships should be in play here. Those will be things that you should discuss with your BF beforehand.
Personally I would say things like a gr... (read in full...)
Advise on online dating, what could be going through his mind?
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A. 24 September 2010: I think he's scared. I think that he is afraid that after meeting him in person you won't want to talk to him anymore. He probably is quite shy and awkward around girls. Online he feels comfortable, but actually meeting in person is a step he ... (read in full...)
I have a boyfriend and I think another guy likes me!
Q. hiii :) This is not the hardest question to answer and may sound a bit silly, but your answers make a difference :) I have a boyfriend and i think another guy's actions towards me indicate that he likes me( and my friends think there's a chance h...
A. 24 September 2010: I'd say he likes you. Most guys don't care if you're in a relationship or not. If you're giving him flirty signals back (which you are) then I could totally understand if he thinks you're interested.
So, now the question becomes, what if he do... (read in full...)
What positions can we try so that we are both satisifed?
Q. My boyfriend and i want to try new postions in bed and we both want to be pleased but we cant find any that please us both. What positions can we try so that we are both satisifed?...
A. 24 September 2010: Well, what's your favorite position? What's his favorite?
At least then we'll have a better idea of what's working.
You're not giving us ANYTHING we can use to help. I just have a list I came up with that you said didn't work for you both.... (read in full...)
Should I stay single and try getting over my ex first or should I go for it?
Q. Hello aunts and uncles, i really need your help on this one... There's a guy (lets call him Adam) who i used to go out with years ago when i did a performing arts course at college. We ended up breaking up because we were both so young. I didn't ...
A. 24 September 2010: Forget about your ex. You're broken up and you should stay that way. Your bigger fear should be that Adam is a rebound.
You've gotten yourself into a bit of a mess here though. You jumped into the sack with Adam and then backed away. I bet h... (read in full...)
After a mistake
Q. Ok here goes Married for 18 years. 7 years ago I had an affaire ( Yes, I think i was in love not just sex). wife found out 5 years ago after it was over. Never had one before or since. Still married coming up on 19th year. But, She can't let in go ...
A. 24 September 2010: I would highly suggest some couples counceling. She may have "forgiven" you but she hasn't let it go. She needs to deal with everything she's feeling and I think professional help will get you through this. To truely forgive someone, you have to ... (read in full...)
She said she was 18, I developed feelings, but it turns out she's 16
Q. 11 months ago i met a girl. At the time she told me she was 18. Months later the truth came out that she was 16. i am 22 years old. It wasnt hard to believe that she was older than her real age. Her friends are all around my age. Her Ex bf is a mon...
A. 24 September 2010: Lies beget more lies. Tell her mom you're 22 and see if she still approves of you dating her daughter.
Listen, you sound like a nice guy, and have a genuine interest in this girl. There isn't anything wrong with that unless the relation... (read in full...)
Is it legal?
Q. so my boyfriend is 19 an im only 15...an im not telling my parents that hes my boyfriend..but we are not having any sexual contact...is it legal?...
A. 24 September 2010: Odds is absolutely right. ... (read in full...)
I actually meant it when I said those three words
Q. Aw man, I got myself in a bit of a pickle here. About a week ago, my best friend (a girl) and I both got drunk and had sex. Before we did it, though, she told me she's the kind of girl who needs to hear those three special words to make it feel ...
A. 24 September 2010: Better tell her now before you miss your chance. Let her know what the other night meant to you and how you hoped it meant something more for her too.
Don't wait on this.... (read in full...)
Does my brother need help?
Q. my brother says people are talking about him and that there are cameras everywhere and saying people are recording him does this mean he is ill and needs help...
A. 24 September 2010: Well, the first thing you need to analyze is if there is truth in what he's saying. If this seems more like extreme paranoia, then you need to get him to a psychologist. Extreme paranoia is often the a symptom of a couple of different disorders. ... (read in full...)
Is my thinking far too possessive or do I have a good point?
Q. Ok I have a bunch of friends, well they're not really close friends as some of them are a bit untrustworthy and have been known to 'shit' on their mates by sleeping with their exes etc. I also have a boyfriend who I love very much. We been together...
A. 24 September 2010: I think your mom is right. You have to trust him until he proves himself untrustworthy.
Your example of him mingling in a group. That's part of being out at a party. He shouldn't be following you around like he's your lap dog. That's not heal... (read in full...)
How should I tell my guy best friend I love him?
Q. I'm bi-curios and I'm in love with my guy best friend. We treat each other as brothers. I'm 2 years older that him. The 2 of us get really close to each other, we even wrestle and tickle each other almost all the time. we like holding each others ...
A. 24 September 2010: It sounds like he is interested in you. I think that what you're describing sounds deeper then most of the same sex friendships I've experienced in my life. The body language you describe is definitely an indiciation of attraction.
I'd talk to ... (read in full...)
What do US guys think about asian girls?
Q. okay i'm a japanese girl and my family's moving to US in a few weeks. i have a lot of friends here in japan so i guess my personality's not bad, so i hope to make lots of friends in the states. and hopefully i would like to have a boyfriend too. but ...
A. 24 September 2010: Watashi wa Nihon no onnanoko ga daisuki desu.
Sorry if my Japanese isn't that great, I'm still learning.
Personally I find asian women very attractive. I think that what your friend experienced was something you'll find in most cultures th... (read in full...)
Confused about this man and unsure what to do next!
Q. I wrote last week about my friends brother stroking my hair behind my ear and asking if it was a flirting gesture, well this week, I don't know what has happened but all of a sudden he has been mean to me and then today he has been nice to me. ...
A. 24 September 2010: If you want to know what's up, you need to get him alone and talk to him. Say that you've noticed he's been flirty and you were wondering if he was interested in trying something.
Then again, he doesn't sound like the best catch in my book. B... (read in full...)
Why do I bite and scratch during intercourse?
Q. During sex, I tend to bite my boyfriend's neck and dig my nails into his back. Is there a deeper meaning into what we do to our partners during intercourse, or is it just us reacting to being caught up in the moment?...
A. 24 September 2010: It's what you like. It's your way of expressing your intense feelings. I've never personally been into biting, but I do love when a girl claws my back during sex. Even if she draws blood I don't care. I tend to feel more into it because I know ... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 24 September 2010: I apologize. I interpreted your separation as more then what it actually was. Given the fact that you were still married, that does change things a bit.
Still, what you may have just done is sealed the divorce. Whatever your reasons for sepa... (read in full...)
Should I dwell on a drunken kiss?
Q. Sunday night I was drunk and My roommate had a girl over he has been dating and she kissed me, just friendly she was drunk too. I didn't think anything of it, but kidding he said kiss him again with some tongue, I didn't think she would actually do ...
A. 24 September 2010: No. If you and your gf can get past it, then that is what you should do.... (read in full...)
Are older men better lovers?
Q. Is it true that older men make better lovers, due to experience?...
A. 24 September 2010: Why not try one and find out?
There is more to being a good lover then any one characteristic. Some are awesome I'm sure, some not so much.... (read in full...)
I am attracted to my wife's younger, sexier sister
Q. I'm married for over three years now with my wife. I met her 5 years before that. My wife was really good-looking when I met her, but a couple of months before the wedding she began to gain weight, at least 20 lbs. from what I can tell, and most...
A. 24 September 2010: You should honor your wife and not be such a jerk. Looks aren't everything. You sound so horrifically shallow that I wonder how you ever got married in the first place!... (read in full...)
What positions can we try so that we are both satisifed?
Q. My boyfriend and i want to try new postions in bed and we both want to be pleased but we cant find any that please us both. What positions can we try so that we are both satisifed?...
A. 23 September 2010: Check out the Kama Sutra and go page by page till you find something. However not knowing what you've already tried that isn't working doesn't give us room to let you know new ideas.
Personal Favorites:
Doggy, Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, Sta... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 23 September 2010: To be honest, I'm not a big fan of what you did. Then again, I'm not a big fan of what he did either. Here's why.
The way I see it, if you two were in such regular contact, why did you ever get divorced in the first place. A divorce should b... (read in full...)
Does it matter what girls look like when sucking?
Q. Question for guys (though ladies can offer their answers too!) I desperately want to give the guy I'm seeing really great head. But I'm incredibly insecure at times - not just as most girls are, it's a little deeper than that apparently- and ...
A. 22 September 2010: I think that there is little on this earth I find sexier then a girl performing oral sex on me. I don't care if she's making faces or noises. I actually like some slurping and smacking noises. It makes me feel like she's into it! He'll love it, ... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 22 September 2010: I'm glad it worked out for you. Just remember not to cut him off entirely. It will make him feel like you don't love him anymore.... (read in full...)
Disturbing boy in my class
Q. There is a guy in my class who iz always rubbing me.!!!! Rubbing my back legs chest hips butt and trys for my other part also. He trys to put my hand in his pants. He acutualy one stuck his hand down his pants then when I was not paying attentio...
A. 22 September 2010: Then I think you know what you need to do.... (read in full...)
Disturbing boy in my class
Q. There is a guy in my class who iz always rubbing me.!!!! Rubbing my back legs chest hips butt and trys for my other part also. He trys to put my hand in his pants. He acutualy one stuck his hand down his pants then when I was not paying attentio...
A. 22 September 2010: It's only a joke if you find it funny. Are you amused by his behavior? ... (read in full...)
A question for the guys!
Q. I read about this "guy psychology" thing a bit ago, and I was wondering if it's true or just a load of crap.. So guys, please tell me this.... Lets say you have a girlfriend. She's amazing, sweet, kind, affectionate, funny, cute etc. B...
A. 21 September 2010: I might miss the attention, even if it was unwanted attention. It feels good to be wanted after all. Still, I sure as hell wouldn't want her back. Once broken up, I stay that way. If it didn't work out the first time, it won't the next time ... (read in full...)
How can I get my friend to see that she is wasting her time on a horrible guy and he is only going to end up hurting her?
Q. Ok, my best friend has been in love with this guy for 7 years but theyve never had a relationship. This is because he would rather use her for a one night stand than have a relationship with her. She knows this but every time he clicks his fingers ...
A. 21 September 2010: One thing you can do is tell her that if she sees your ex you don't want to know about it. That way you can keep yourself from being hurt further.... (read in full...)
How can I get my friend to see that she is wasting her time on a horrible guy and he is only going to end up hurting her?
Q. Ok, my best friend has been in love with this guy for 7 years but theyve never had a relationship. This is because he would rather use her for a one night stand than have a relationship with her. She knows this but every time he clicks his fingers ...
A. 21 September 2010: There is nothing you can do. Sometimes we have to let our friends make their own mistakes. You've told her how you feel. She's seen the evidence and been hurt, but she is making the decision to go back despite the fact that she knows in her heart ... (read in full...)
We had never gone more than 3 days without talking to each other but suddenly he completely cut me off! Why did he do this?
Q. My husband of 17 year's, now separated 2yrs. still keeps in close contact with me, just stopped every thing all the sudden. It's been over 3 months now since I have seen or talk to him. And It's killing me. He's girlfriend did move in with him abou...
A. 20 September 2010: My guess would be that the GF found out and didn't like it. She forced him to cut off communication. That's my guess.
The only other thing I can think of is that something happened to him. Have you seen him post anything on Facebook in a while?... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 15 September 2010: Good luck, let us know how it works out for you!... (read in full...)
Disturbing boy in my class
Q. There is a guy in my class who iz always rubbing me.!!!! Rubbing my back legs chest hips butt and trys for my other part also. He trys to put my hand in his pants. He acutualy one stuck his hand down his pants then when I was not paying attentio...
A. 15 September 2010: Yes, tell somebody. What he is doing is sexual harrassment and is not tolerated in schools. It cannot be ignored. Great strides have been made in the last couple of decades to protect people from behavior like you are experiencing.
File ... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 13 September 2010: Yeah, at least that's the idea as I read it. You want him to masturbate, why not give him something to masturbate to. Do some housework topless or better yet nude or almost nude. I know that if my girl did that, and told me she'd love it if I ... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 8 September 2010: I'm interpreting this as getting him to masturbate instead of pushing sex.
There are some women here who are wondering why their husbands masturbate instead of having sex with them. I'm sure they'd tell you to be grateful for what you have. B... (read in full...)
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