A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi everyoneme and my partner are engaged and have been together for almost two years. we do have lots of fun together and our sex life is usually pretty good. the problem starts when he declares he wants to go out drinking and to the clubs in the local town. i've often asked if i can come along as i dont get out all that much and my friends are often busy and many of them have moved away to university. every time i ask though he ALWAYS says no and it makes me feel sad and upset sat at home by myself knowing he is out enjoying himself. i'd very much like to get to know his friends better and i sometimes feel like he doesn't want me there because he is not proud of me. I've asked him why i cant go and he just comes up with a stupid excuse every time, its caused many arguments between us. i feel like he doesn't care about me as long as he gets to have his fun! i've asked male friends if they were in his shoes would they WANT to take me out? they all said they would so i am very confused and i aint entirely sure if he does actually want to marry me. he acts very caring and loving while he's at home but; as he works full time, i dont get to see all that much of him.i'm very confused about how he feels and why he does this to me, can anyone help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): I am sorry to say this. I wouldn't bother having someone follow him, etc. I think you should break from him. He sounds like the kind of guy that wants a woman to keep a home for him, but when he is out in the world, he wants to be an individual, to do whatever he fancies, with whomever he fancies, without your interference.
If you married this person, your life would surely be an unhappy one.
My advice is to end it with him. Give yourself the chance to find a true partner in this life. I know for myself, I do like doing thi gs just with the guys at times - poker, seeing a game, surfing, etc. But, the BEST times ar if my wife can be there with me. I am not only proud of her. I have FUN with her too. That is very important after the newness of a relationship wears off.
You are a young woman. Give yourself the opportunity to find someone who will love being with you, at home, in public, in a bar, everywhere. That guy IS out there....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): The fact he wants alone time is normal. Lol I used to get yelled at for playing video games. It is healthy as a person still needs to sense their own independence without their mate which is part of our confidence and ego to be honest. However, this guy because he's going out in a group and he's defensive could mean trouble. He could be cheating, he cold be up to no good. I dont know. But men, bars, clubs, probably booze...all is not a good combination and nothing good can ever come from it in my opinion. Pull him aside, dont accuse, and use a good tone or he'll be defensive and you wont get any info. Set him aside for a chat...you guys need it and I hope nothin is goin on! I really do. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (29 September 2010):
I can see two things going on here, basically as the other answers point out
1) With your follow-up it seems as though he might be straying when he goes out. You keep finding this evidence but you accept it after an argument. You need to make your feelings clear about this and decide what you want, then put your foot down.
2)Why don't you have any of your own friends? You shouldn't rely on this guy for your social life. You need some independent activities. If you don't have any work friends then join some clubs or classes where you can meet people and get out and about. Go and visit your uni friends. Show him that you are capable of doing what he does too.
If my fiance was texting women, especially ones I didn't know, he wouldn't be my fiance any more. Why do you want to be engaged to a man like that?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I agree with dirtball that it sounds very bad. I hate to suggest this but perhaps you could ask one of your male friends to follow him and his buddies as they go out one night, to see what they are up to.
And may I add, there's nothing stopping you from going out on a girls' night out of your own. Or having your own interests and plans outside this relationship.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I'm sorry to say it, but based on your follow up, that's a really bad sign. He is almost certainly up to something he shouldn't be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionin response to the first reply:
yes we do go out for meals and stuff very occasionally but it just seems to be that part of his life he wont let me in on.
i have found texts on his phone and his facebook to other girls before saying he thinks they are pretty and we almost split up about it a few times so i guess that does make me feel a little insecure when he wants to do things like this
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (28 September 2010):
He wants his alone time. That's healthy in any relationship however it appears to be getting to the unhealthy side here. Do you ever go out on dates? Does he take you out anywhere else?
I don't want to speculate too much, but his behavior leads me to be suspicious. It may be because we see a lot of cheaters around here, but this is usually an indication that he's up to something he shouldn't be. That may not be the case here, but it is a possibility.
You need to put your foot down. Let him know that you're fine with him going out without you sometimes, but he has to go out with you sometimes too. If he doesn't, then he really isn't much of a boyfriend, let alone a fiance.
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