A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help!So my wife told me I needed to do more around the house. Help her clean mostly. I had never really done it and I felt I should help...wish I never had. I started cleaning out our bedroom. Under the bed, behind dressers, etc...so I came to our closet. Started throwing out old stuff and there was this one box in the corner with no label on it. It wasn't mine, and I guess I shouldve assumed it was hers, but I was opening all of them and throwing old stuff away. So I opened this one. It was a box with a bunch of old pictures and stuff from her during high school/college before we met. Friends, boyfriends, everything. I was about to put it aside but decided to look through it. Well, at the bottom I found some video tapes. No labels, nothing. I was curious so I watched them. It turned out to be videos of her and her ex boyfriends having sex! Two different guys. Her two old ex boyfriends. She stated one in high school and one in college. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the last one was a video with all 3 of them at the same time! They were all from a small town and remained friends after the break up. When I confronted my wife about it, at first she was extremely upset. Saying I shouldn't have been snooping, but I honestly wasn't! Then, she was crying, saying she was vulnerable at the time, etc...thing is she has always been very conservative with me! She refused to have anal sex but in the video she did! With both ex boyfriends! But not with her husband?! It took forever to get her to agree to oral sex.She said she was ashamed, and that's why she lied to be about never having had a threesome. I feel like a loser. We have been married 3 years and have a baby on the way, but I can't shake the images from my mind. Let alone, the images, but the fact she straight out lied to me for all these years. What's worse is that we now live in this town, and I see these ex boyfriends on occasion. They know I married her, knowing full well what they have done. What should I do?
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anal sex, her ex, oral sex, threesome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Why did you watch all 3 video's for, once you realised they were your wife having sex?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2010): A woman who sluts it up and takes it from two guys at the same time on tape is "sexy" now? News to me, probably news to a lot of other guys too. Add to that the fact that she went cold fish on the guy she decided to marry...yeah, she sure does sound "sexy" all right. What a joke!OP, kudos. So long as you stay true to your word and take care of your kid (as you should), you're doing the right thing. Can't blame you for wanting to get away from her after unearthing a bombshell like that.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (28 September 2010):
 You're still stinging from this "revelation" but it's unlikely that your doubts about this marriage began here. I suspect you have deeper issues with trust that pre-date this relationship and until you get past these issues you will continue a desperate search for fulfillment within a relationship. It's too bad your child will have to suffer for your weakness. When he grows up the legacy that you will leave is that of the father who ran away when the going got tough.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (27 September 2010):
If this was such a "bad" experience, then why did she 1) videotape it, and 2) keep said videotapes for years. I have always said - never listen to what people SAY, watch what they DO.....
IMO she clearly misrespresented to you who she was before you married her. You would have every right to bail. Problem is you have a kid on the way. If it were me, Id still be out the door. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (27 September 2010):
Wow, so you walked out on your wife and are now sexless... yes, I guess you need time to sort things out.. but remember, if you leave her, she sounds sexy enough to manage to find a guy who will accept her no matter what.
Women as sexy as your wife, will not stay single very long, but men who have high standards, and judge other people, at your age, you may find your options very limited.
Has she no respect... mmmmm... and your the guy who is leaving the family home? Funny, most women accept a guys past, and are not so judgemental about what men do when they are young and stupid.
Anyway, I wish you luck.. whatever happens, your wife sounds like the kind of woman who will always be alright.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Thanks for the answers. I asked why she still had the tapes. She said she boxed them up a long time ago, way before we met. She forgot about then among her piles and piles of old clothes & boxes and they just came with her when she moved in with me. She threw them out the day it happened without me telling her to do it. The fact remains though, that she lied to me about who she was. Your past is your past, yes. But it will always be a part of who you are. A fact she hid from me. I feel like you should be completely honest with the person you marry. Regardless of how embarrassing it is. I told her I had cheated before, I wasn't proud of it but I felt that as my possibly future wife she had a right to know. I feel like I might be seen as the jerk who left his wife. But I will definitely not leave my kid. I will continue to support him/her and be active in his/her life. But I can't continue to be with her, especially not sexually after what I saw. It was very graphic and things they did were stuff you see in porn videos. Really degrading. Did she have no self respect? And as to people who said just because she did it, doesn't mean that she liked it. Well, it sure looked like she was enjoying it... I moved out and told her I need time & space to figure out what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): You will need some time to sort this out. I would stay with her. Ending your marriage and breaking your family over something that happened before you came along is probably the wrong thing to do...not simply because of the outfall from that, but because it probably wont make you feel better. And then you'll still have the images in your head PLUS you'll be without her.
This is like my worst nightmare, and it would kill me to know she not only did things with them that she wouldnt do with you, but she did them with all of them at once. But it's actually a good sign that she wont with you...she probably did not enjoy it. If she did, she would be asking you to do the same.
Ask yourself this...would you prefer to own a womans heart or her holes? Of course you know the answer. Those guys got something from her, but only for a moment. Everyone in that video was self-serving. There was no love, no commitment, no lifelong bond. Just people trying to score and engage in something to satisfy their ego. You have all the love and heart, PLUS you get to have great sex with her. So what if she hasn't let you do anal. Will one sex act make you have something more than before? Hell no! You already have it all.
I wouldn't assume just because she had the tapes and photos she meant to hurt you...she probably forgot she had them. My GF had saved E-mails, IM's and other junk that spelled out some details of past lovers, and it killed me to find them too. But I got over it. You will too. Hang in there.
I will tell you one thing tho...I'd pretty much demand she gives it up, if you understand. If she wont please you like she pleasured them, that would be a problem for me. Maybe even a deal breaker. To me, marriage is about totally giving and receiving between two people. If she never did that, and never wanted to, or did and hated it, that would be OK...but it's obvious she did it...who know if she liked it. As her husband, you deserve everything she is willing to give.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): if it was soooooooooo traumatic why does she keep the mementos of her porn days. i think she is lying if she says she regrets this wild side of hers.
are tyou certain she is not also having an afffair currently. if she was into all types of sexual gratification in the past, she will not just forget about it. she may just be craving it.
have you not heard/seen married men, who prefer their wives chaste/virginal/decent/conservative yet have their mistresses on the side to fulfill all these sexual pleasures. women do this as well. appear conservative and deny their husbands sexual pleasures, yet freely engage in all sexual activities with other men. do not discard this fact in your marriage. sex is a very powerful weapon. people who enjoy all types of sexual gratification do not just forget their experiences. they still indulge in these types of activities in the sly. your wife may be one of these as well.
i find that she is disrespectful saying that you snooped. it was in your homes so you have every right to check out what you have found. i think your wife is treating you like a wimp/cuckold and she is getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere. she is pretending not to like sex and she is pretending that the past is the past. you being the caring, wonderful husband that you are , you are being shortchanged by your wife. if she can F aorund with other men, freely enagaging in all types of sexual expression, she is selfish and not fulfilling her duty as your wife. i think you need to tell her to cut the squeaky clean , conservative attitude and get with the prgramme.
may of the aunts here will disagree when i say that she needs to stop her act. and yes, it is an act. you ask what you should do: i think you need to have a blatant talk with your wife. TELL HER you want the exciting sex. TELL HER you expect it and she better change her attitude. FAST. she is talking crap when she says she is ashamed of engaging in all the sexual activities. no one forced her, she enaged freely. what makes this even worse is that she had no respect for you when she lied - she knew you lived in a small town and her ex lovers will be around. if you had the heads up you wouldn't care, but walking around like a bloody fool, when the others know about her sexual activities and the husband thinks his wife is an almost saint................. NO WAY, not any more.
please tell your wife, and i know she knows this: there is nothing worng in having a good sex life with the man that she loves. if she can do all those things for other men, she can start doing it for you as well. plain and simple. no drama. no fuss. she needs to cut the shy ultra conservative attitude and start pleasing her man. sometimes husbands need to be frank and need to have the blunt talk with the wife. if more women took care of their husbands they wont go looking elsewhere. some men will go elsewhere no matter what, but with you, you are faithfl, you love her and she needs to get with the programme.
blunt talk to get your marriage on the right track. please also ask her what other vital info has she withheld from you. dont let others make you to be the bad guy here. you are not! you need answers and you should get them. you are not the bad husband who has been hoodwinked into believing his wife is a conservative woman. she likes sex and why should she not enjoy it with you.
i know the readers may think that i am insensitive to this woman. i am not. i am realistic to know that sex is a very vital ingredient in a marriage. i belive this woman is shortchanging her husband. he is a good man, trying to make sense of his wife and why he is being denied a good sex life.
-LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (25 September 2010):
I think you really need to know why she is still holding on to the tapes and video if these experiences were so traumatic for her. You have to get to the bottom of that question I think, because the fact that she still has them doesn't seem to tally with what she has said.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): Well, I think I have a pretty good guess at what happened here. She feels so guilty about her past that she subconsciously set you up to find out about it in the most painful way possible. I see no other explanation for how this happened.
Her past has destroyed her self-respect so she has made sure you can't have your self-respect if you stay with her. Congratulations, you understand her now. You have to live with terrible feelings about her past too.
Or you can leave her to get your self-respect back, and the only problem is you will be the bad guy for the rest of your life for doing it. You will be the asshole who left his wife & child because of some news about her past boyfriends. Don't expect much support for this choice from other people because you won't get it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): Sins of ommission are just as serious as sins of commission. She seems to have forgotten to tell you about her not so conservative past. And I agree this is an issue if you have to live in the same town. And if she is so ashamed why did she keep all these videos? I would be making a call to my lawyer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2010): This would be a deal breaker for me. She and her tapes would be looking for a new place to live. Ask her why she kept the tapes if it was such a burden to her?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (25 September 2010):
 Generally everyone has told you that your marriage would be sour from now on. But that will only happen if you want it to, otherwise, you can still move on from this. Your wife is still the same person before you found out about this. Truly, what has changed? She lied because she was ashamed and who wouldn't? Would honestly reveal everything you were ashamed of so readily to your wife?
You can either keep this incident in mind and inevitably divorce her OR you can stay with her and continue to love her knowing that her mistakes are a part of who she is. How conservative she is during sex is something that stemmed from what you found on the tapes. This is YOUR chance to make her feel more comfortable with certain types of sex again (excluding of course, threesomes).
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (24 September 2010):
So you feel like a loser... and how is any of this feeling your wife's fault? Did she tell you that she misses the good old days of kinky sex? Did she say that the reason she's not into it today is that she thinks you wouldn't be able to handle it? If we take what you have told us at face value it appears that none of the above occurred.
An un-discussed part of your wife's past has come out and you are having a hard time with the initial shock. Take stock of what is happening within you, not her. If the kind of sex matters more to you than trust and respect then your marriage is in serious trouble. And your kid(s) will suffer for it. For better or worse, it's not all about you any more - if you want to stay in the marriage that is.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 You should throw out the videoes. Or actually, make her throw out the videoes. She needs to put a final end to this and not hold on to these things of her past, especially as she claims to be ashamed of them. I wonder if she was ashamed why didn't she throw out the videoes already? Something is very odd about that.
Your marriage will be sour for some time now, but I wish you the best of luck in sorting this out so that you are both able to move on. I think anyone in your situation would react like you have. Your wife has some serious appologizing to do, and making up for this.
Your job will be to figure out how to forgive. You can do it, but you need to try and forgive her. If you can not forgive then you are dooming your marriage.
What is in the past is in the past, but unfortunately she felt so ashamed that she had to lie to yuo about it, and to top it off she kept the pictures and videoes. I wonder why she kept them? But in either case, you just have to find a way to get over this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): I'm wondering why she is still holding onto those videos? That was her past, they should've been in the trash when she started her life with you.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (24 September 2010):
 I completely agree with dirtball. In addition there are things that are associative in life. I think that the sexual acts you wish she would enjow with you, carry associative feelings. They take her back to that time and she clearly doesnt want to go there. What she has with you is something altogether different. You possess her heart and soul. You can slowly try to make her more comfortable with new things and try changing the association for her. Good luck. :)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Ahh, the reformed wild girl. A couple of points. Just because she did something in the past, that doesn't mean she liked doing it. People will often do things they regret because they are "performing" on something like that. People tend not to disclose all the details of their sexual pasts because of the retroactive jealousy that goes along with it.
Now, you have a worst case scenario going on here. Not only did you find out something that you have trouble dealing with, but you actually saw it on tape. Talk about a double whammy!
The exes don't matter. She loves you, and you're married. The past is the past and I bet she would change it if she could. She isn't a different person then she was when you met her. All that has changed is how you view her because of your new knowledge about her past.
I would suggest taking time and talking this through. Do your best not to judge her, but get the questions you have answered. Think long and hard about the questions you choose to ask though. Sometimes we think we want to know something until we actually know it. You may want to lay some ground rules as to the details you don't want.
Also, it sounds like her conservative nature in sex has been a problem for you in the past. This may have been her way of coping with what she had done. Remember, just because she has done it, doesn't mean she liked it or that it would be a good idea for you to do it together. The threesome is a great example. I would never recommend that to anyone in a committed relationship. That being said, she may be more adventerous then she let on before. Talk openly about it. Let her know that you love her and that you wish she could be more open sexually with you.
Also keep in mind her pregnancy. Pregnant women have tons of hormones flooding their systems and they can be even more irrational then normal (sorry ladies but it's true). Try continuing to be the loving husband you have been. She needs that right now. You can work through this. I'm sure there are some exploits from your past that would hurt for her to learn about too. Try to put yourself in her shoes before you hash this all out. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (24 September 2010):
Wow.. that is quite a bombshell and it's going to take time for it to sink in.Nothing is ever going to be able to change the fact that you will have to know this information for the rest of your life. How you deal with it is whether or not you will get through this.If you are right for each other, can communicate and be able to get through this... it will eventually make you stronger. I guess whether or not you can, depends on so many other things such as your own insecurities towards sex, pre-existing doubts about her, your relationship. But if you honestly feel you did marry the right person.. You will get over this.
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