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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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A. 18 October 2010: I think you should give B a chance! He sounds nice and knows what he wants. The passion you felt with A can be addictive but also very dangerous emotionally. Look at the mess he's caused for someone else let alone you. Go with B. I wouldn't say ... (read in full...)
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A. 18 October 2010: Do curses and spells exist?
Yup, they sure do. I've read books and books about them. Just because they exist doesn't mean they work or are real though. That takes faith and believing that the effects of a spell are real.
Psychics? No... (read in full...)
He got mad when I wanted to chill out with a male friend
Q. So I started talking to this guy on Facebook. And my homecoming was a week later, so I invited him to my college to see me for homecoming. He said he was coming, and surprisingly he did. My college is 5 hours away from where he lives, so I knew he ...
A. 18 October 2010: I would suggest moving on. This dude has some jealousy issues, and big ones. If he got so upset over something so small, then you just have a front row seat for more of the same problems in the pipeline. Usually if a relationship ends so quickly, ... (read in full...)
Husband masturbates to porn videos but doesn't get an erection with me
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A. 18 October 2010: 5 to 6 times a day I'm amazed he can even touch it anymore. That thing has to be soooooo sensitive.
He has a problem, and not one you should ignore. Seek help. Like the others have said, this is indicitive of an addiction. I hope that you... (read in full...)
I worry that if she keeps flirting, he might change his mind!
Q. Well me and my boyfriend went out for 10months, before he broke up with me due to not missing me when we werent hanging out. Then like 2 weeks afterwards he told me he found another girl. They went on like 5 dates, and even hooked up. But even dur...
A. 18 October 2010: Be confident in yourself. The more you accuse, the more he will think about it. Does he flirt back?
Really, you have no control over what she says to him. You do have a say in how he reacts if he wants to stay with you. Don't be the jealous ... (read in full...)
I am angry he lied to me, or am I just being silly?
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A. 18 October 2010: Well, I wouldn't be worried about him cheating with this other girl. The bigger concern is the lying. At least in my book, but I'm pretty pro pot too. Really, there are far worse things he could be doing than pot. But I won't get into this.
... (read in full...)
I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!
Q. Ok Guys I need some serious help. I met this girl off a free online dating website about 3 months ago. She is the girl of my dreams, she's what I've wanted my entire life. There is a lot to this so I'll keep it as brief as possible. I'm 28 and she's ...
A. 18 October 2010: All these actions are those of someone who is incredibly insecure. She's not ready for a relationship, at least not one that will work.... (read in full...)
Is this teacher actually flirting with me?
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A. 15 October 2010: No. Most likely it is a bad joke he should have dropped. I would ignore this.
Still, If it bothers you then you should report him, but know that reporting him will cause him disciplinary action. Still, he should not be flirting with you, so ... (read in full...)
Should I believe him about this online dating account?
Q. I feel like I'm being stupid about this, but the other day I found out my boyfriend signed up for fling.com. He says he thought it was just an adult site where he could look at pictures, but it clearly is a place to find a fling. I questioned him ...
A. 15 October 2010: Yup, this is definitely something you should not let go. He was looking for flings. Like CaringGuy said, that's the name of the freaking website. Like he didn't know what he was doing. Give me a break.
I'd say dump the cheater. ... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 15 October 2010: There is an aspect of just getting off, sure, but really if you deny us sex long enough we start feeling ugly, unwanted, unloved. Sex is about more than just a release to many men. It is a physical way for us to express our love for our partner, ... (read in full...)
Why can't we stop thinking about eachother and move on?
Q. Hi there Would really love some help with this please :) Me and my ex split up in February after being together for 2 years and quite a rocky patch. We did argue quite a lot, as we were both at uni and there was a lot to argue about-with us bo...
A. 15 October 2010: My feeling is that once broken up you should stay that way. Yes, there were reasons for the break, and those reasons (even if you forget them) will usually drive a couple apart again. Every time I've broken this rule I've regretted it.
That ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend is jealous because I have to dance with another girl at a wedding!
Q. I'm having a big problem. My best friend is getting married and I'm the best man. I have to dance with the bridesmaid and my girlfriend is pretty mad with me for that. I told her that its just a dance nothing more than that .. but still she's so ...
A. 15 October 2010: Your girlfriend needs to realize that there are things in life outside of both of your control and get over herself. She is on the "psycho" level of jealousy and it is not normal for her to be so jealous over something like this. Usually behavior ... (read in full...)
Why didn't he tell me about this girl he turned down?
Q. my bf and i have been together for 6 years. I recently travelled and he started a new course at a new uni and made a couple friends. one of them was this girl who out of the blue told him that she likes him regardless of the fact that she knew about ...
A. 15 October 2010: He probably didn't say anything because he took care of it. There was no point in telling you about a non-issue because he knew it would likely cause a jealous reaction in you. He was honest with you when you talked to him about it. It is ... (read in full...)
Can anyone help me figure out what she meant?
Q. My wife has an active fantasy life and requires lots of attention. Recently, she asked me to spank her--she said the idea of being spanked excited her, but then afterwards said that it was disappointing, that I "didn't do it right." I guess she ...
A. 15 October 2010: It could have meant quite a few things. Usually when a girl wants to be spanked, she wants the sex to be rough too. Usually spanking is best done from doggy style with a little hair pulling mixed in. She shouldn't ask for it, you should tell her ... (read in full...)
Will I ever feel better, can I trust him?
Q. Hi I need advice as i have no one to confide in My husband had a year an a half affair with a workmate 5 years ago. We did not have sex very often because of me, i was suffering depression after my children and i think he felt regected and ver...
A. 15 October 2010: What are you doing to help yourself get better?
I ask because it sounds to me like you're just trying to handle this on your own. That's incredibly lonely and nearly impossible to do. What you two really need is some marriage counceli... (read in full...)
One minute he seems to care, the next he doesn't. What's going on?
Q. I fell out with a mate a while back and have only just got the courage to talk to him again after wieghing up the pros n cons of the options. We basically fell out because he treated me different from the rest and hardly spoke to me and then i ...
A. 15 October 2010: He doesn't like you that much. He's being civil because of your shared friend circle. I wouldn't bother trying to get closer to him or trying to repair anything. Just be civil when you see eachother and focus on your friends who actually like ... (read in full...)
New boyfriend stopped calling. What should I do?
Q. I Recently met this guy, we went on a few dates n ended up sleeping 2gther, we did it mor than once nw, i dont know where i stand with him, bt i knw tht he has a girlfrnd, i sometimes only see him once a week, bt he used to call and now all of a ...
A. 15 October 2010: I hate to say it but he played you. You would probably do best to move on because he likely already has. Sorry.... (read in full...)
Should I propose, even though I can't afford it?
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just over 2 years and we've spoken before about getting married.I know she would like to get engaged,because she told me,and i do to,she hinted about new years eve.Thing is,if we do get engaged,i wouldnt ...
A. 15 October 2010: I think that she fully understands the position you're in and wouldn't want you to stress over anything. I think you should propose to her because that will make you both happy. You don't need to get married right away and you should also be open ... (read in full...)
Why did we break up instead of working things out?
Q. My exboyfriend and I are 22 and 23. We were dating for on and off for 5 years right out of high school up until about 3 weeks ago. we dont have any children and have never lived with each other but seem to have made it through alot. We broke up ...
A. 15 October 2010: Gotta love the confusion. If he wants to be with you, then why break up? Right? I know that's playing in your mind. Then there is him talking to other girls...
What I see here is someone who is questioning their relationship because they are... (read in full...)
Was losing your virginity as you expected it to be?
Q. Was losing your Virginity as you expected it to be and would you change your mind if you could go back?...
A. 15 October 2010: Mine was pretty much what I expected. I don't regret doing it, but I do regret who it was with because she caused me great pain.... (read in full...)
Will my boyfriend continue the cycle of abuse?
Q. Well me and Caleb have been dating for years. His dad abused his mom(not really in front of him). He has also done the same to Caleb and choked him even just last week for grades..he fights back with his dad whenever this happens. Thank god because ...
A. 15 October 2010: Not all children of abuse turn into abusers. My father was abused and never once hit me, my brother, or my mom. Your boyfriend needs help. He runs a high risk for becoming abusive and should work to stop it before it becomes a problem. Anger ... (read in full...)
Why does everyone get along with one of my friends?
Q. There usto be a group of us then we all split up because of big arguments.She is a quiet girl but it's like when theres an argument between the gang and we all split up she still speaks to everyone. If i go gossiping to her she doesnt seem botherd, ...
A. 15 October 2010: I think your friend is doing what you all should be doing. That is not gossiping, fighting, and being petty. She has maintained these friendships because she doesn't get involved. People vent to her because they know they can trust her. It gets ... (read in full...)
I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!
Q. Ok Guys I need some serious help. I met this girl off a free online dating website about 3 months ago. She is the girl of my dreams, she's what I've wanted my entire life. There is a lot to this so I'll keep it as brief as possible. I'm 28 and she's ...
A. 14 October 2010: That would be fine. I think it would be too difficult for you to try and be her friend given your feelings for her. Time may change that though.
I'm glad to hear you're finally getting some piece of mind. Take care and good luck.... (read in full...)
I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!
Q. Ok Guys I need some serious help. I met this girl off a free online dating website about 3 months ago. She is the girl of my dreams, she's what I've wanted my entire life. There is a lot to this so I'll keep it as brief as possible. I'm 28 and she's ...
A. 14 October 2010: "What do you think? Do you think it's a good idea I leave her be? let her contact me if she wants? And be more assertive?
I'm not sure she is capable to be with anyone in her current state. I think she is looking for the "perfect man" to come... (read in full...)
I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!
Q. Ok Guys I need some serious help. I met this girl off a free online dating website about 3 months ago. She is the girl of my dreams, she's what I've wanted my entire life. There is a lot to this so I'll keep it as brief as possible. I'm 28 and she's ...
A. 14 October 2010: Ok, gotta say, your name is from one of my favorite movies. I'm also going to start by saying that you're probably not going to like my thoughts on your problem.
Here it is, she is not over her ex. Sure, she's not wanting to get back with him... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 22 September 2010: I'm glad it worked out for you. Just remember not to cut him off entirely. It will make him feel like you don't love him anymore.... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 15 September 2010: Good luck, let us know how it works out for you!... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 13 September 2010: Yeah, at least that's the idea as I read it. You want him to masturbate, why not give him something to masturbate to. Do some housework topless or better yet nude or almost nude. I know that if my girl did that, and told me she'd love it if I ... (read in full...)
Getting him to take care of himself!
Q. Do any of you have any success in getting your husbands to take care of their own "needs" more often than not?...
A. 8 September 2010: I'm interpreting this as getting him to masturbate instead of pushing sex.
There are some women here who are wondering why their husbands masturbate instead of having sex with them. I'm sure they'd tell you to be grateful for what you have. B... (read in full...)
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