A
female
age
41-50,
*LoveCupid
writes:He’s 36 and lives in Germany. I’m 27, in London for 2 years now but due to return to Asia next year when my job secondment ends. We met on 5 Apr (5 months ago) when I brought my parents on a month-long DIY / free and easy trip in Europe. Since then we kept in contact via sms’s and phone calls. We recently had our FIRST DATE when he came and spent the Bank holiday weekend (28~30 Aug) visiting me, upon my invitation. On 30 Aug he called me as soon as he got back home, but that was the LAST time he contacted me. I sms’ed him on 31 Aug (wishing him a nice day at work and saying I’m smiling at every thought of him) and 6 Sep (informing him that I failed one of my exams), but got no response from him. I grew very worried about him, I thought something bad might have happened to him (seriously ill, accident, etc.) making him UNABLE to contact me, so I called his mobile on 8 Sep afternoon (after calling his home and nobody answered), he said he’s in Hungary will call me when he’s back in Germany, I said ok and asked if he received my sms’s, he said yes and hope I’m alright (about failing exam), I said I’ll have to retake the exam so he wished me the best, I said thank you bye bye then. On the one hand I was relieved to know that nothing bad happened to him, on the other hand I feel really perplexed now: a) is he so in love with me that he needs to pull away before coming close again (this is a theory from “Men are from Mars Women are from Venus”; but to not respond to my sms’s for 2 weeks, I don’t quite believe is because he loves me too much); b) has he become lazy and takes me for granted because he knows for sure I like him (in which case I need to learn how to gently educate him without telling him off: it’s only courteous and respectful to respond in a timely fashion, I don’t expect immediate response as people can be busy at the particular moment, but within the next day shouldn’t be an unreasonable expectation, more than a week – that’s definitely unacceptable); or c) has he simply become not interested in me anymore or decided that I’m not THE ONE for him so can’t be bothered to respond / contact me?I’m fairly inexperienced in love and relationship so I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice here. I really like him. Although to say that I want to marry him is still too early as I have yet to know more about him, such thought did occur to me and I’m not repulsed by it at all (unlike other guys I tried to date before where I just couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life with them because I just didn’t feel any connection). I feel that he is capable of being (if he wants to) very caring, supportive and responsible, i.e. a good husband material. He’s also very smart and knowledgeable but doesn’t flaunt it – something I greatly appreciate and admire. Therefore, if there’s any hope at all, I want to win his heart, keep his interest, spend more time together getting to know each other more, and hopefully we will both come to the conclusion that we want to marry each other and be a family for the rest of our lives. It’s already a challenge now to spend more time together given that we are 5 hours apart by train, I work full time Mon~Fri and he sometimes works on weekends. To make things worse, once I go back to Asia, there will be 7~8 hours of time difference on top of the physical super long distance (it’s no longer 5 hours train but 13 hours flight). Therefore I feel that if we don’t become boy-girl friends and enter into a committed relationship by the time I leave London (earliest in 5 months, latest 1 year), we will never make it. I feel pressured by time, but I also don’t want to appear desperate and pushy (e.g. initiating contacts frequently, asking if he loves me, where’s our relationship going, what happens after I go back to Asia, will he marry me, etc.) as that will almost certainly scare him away. What should I do???Fuller background to aid your assessment of the situation:My parents and I were travelling in Germany. The train was severely delayed so I approached him as I did not understand the announcement which was in German. That was an ordinary “tourists-ask-locals-information” encounter which I would have soon forgotten if not for what he did afterwards. The train eventually came and when it was about to reach our station, he came over from his car to ours and gave me a timetable for my connecting train. We saw him again after landed on the platform, so I went up to say hi and thanked him, then we had some small talks and I asked for his contact and gave him mine (I often initiate the exchange of contacts when I’m travelling and meet someone kind and helpful whom I’d like to keep in touch and befriend with; I wasn’t thinking of anything more at that time). The connecting train arrived and it turned out he was also taking the same train. The train was very crowded. My parents and I managed to squeeze further into the car while initially he stood near the door. I stood side-facing him, and while talking to my parents I glanced at his direction a few times (not intentional at all). He eventually edged in and moved to my side, and we had small talks again until the train pulled in to my stop. Unfortunately we couldn’t get off in time as the aisle was too crowded. He appeared very apologetic that I missed my stop because we were too busy chatting, and he explained my situation to the conductor and got the conductor to write something on my tickets so that I didn’t have to buy further tickets to go back to my stop. We got off at the next stop which was his destination. He ran down the stairs and up across to the other side of the platform and printed a timetable from the ticket office. He then explained to me how to go back to my destination before he shook hands with my parents and me and bid farewell.After that encounter, my mom kept praising him for being so kind to us; she urged me to get in touch with him as she had the hunch that he liked me. According to her, he kept the slip of paper on which I wrote my contact details in his wallet, so it must mean something important to him. I’m not very experienced and can be slow in picking up cues and hints when it comes to love (I’m quite sensitive but I’m just not good at knowing what guys mean when they say or do something and how to react in those situations). Anyway I followed my mom’s advice and emailed him when we were in Italy, thanking him for his help during our journey. He replied 2 days later on Sunday and wished us a good remaining trip. I replied from Spain saying that I was worried about our journey home because of the Icelandic volcano eruption. No reply from him. A week later we were back in London and after seeing my parents off, I emailed him again to say that we were safely home and would send him some pictures we took during the trip if he’s interested. Nothing from him until Tuesday he called my mobile when I was at work. The reception was quite bad I could barely hear him so he said he’ll call back in the evening, which he did. He said he’s worried I might get angry because he did not reply my emails as his internet connection was down. He said he’s very impressed that I brought my parents touring in Europe, I said because my parents are the dearest persons in the world and family is very important to me, ... ... After the call I emailed to thank him for calling, and said that I would love to call him back but because his schedule is unpredictable (he works as a freelance) it’s better for him to call me when he’s free. 2 days later he called again saying he visited London many years ago he would like to come again and visit me. Being the inexperienced, slow and blunt person I am, I told him I have to study for exams in May and July because I can only do one thing at a time but June and post July would be good. I don’t remember what his reaction / response was, but when I told my parents the next day about this they told me off: if he said he wanted to come and see me, telling him to wait till June or August was like pouring cold water and killing his interest. I immediately emailed him to apologise for putting him off with my study schedule and said that if he ever wanted to come sooner than June, as long as it’s weekend I’ll make time for him, I also sent him some photos taken during my trip. Nothing came from him so 2 days later on Sunday, I sms’ed to say hi and told him I emailed some photos so check them out when he’s got internet access and I missed him. 1.5 hours later he texted back saying he’s working will call me tomorrow and miss me too. He did call on Monday. Thursday morning I texted to say I miss him and please help send my regards to his grandma whose birthday’s coming up. 4 hours later he replied saying he’s glad to read my sms and his grandma’s also happy after he told her I sent my regards to her, he’s very glad when I write him and he miss me. We exchanged a further round of sms’s but then he only replied to my 3rd text which was sent around 5pm the next morning. I replied him during lunch break saying should I call you tomorrow (Saturday) I miss your voice. He called in the evening saying he doesn’t want me to spend money calling him he’ll call me when he go home next week (he was visiting grandma who lives in another city) as calling from landline is a lot cheaper than from mobile. Then on Saturday evening, he sms’ed saying he only think of me and miss me much. I was pleasantly surprised as I wasn’t expecting anything from him until the next week and it was the FIRST TIME HE INITIATED contact. I happily replied saying his sms brightens up my day I miss him too and tomorrow’s Mother’s Day please send my regards to his mom. He texted the next morning asking me to send his regards to my mom too and said he always think of me.That weekend, I feel, was the start of our “honeymoon”. For 5 weeks, we texted each other almost every day (not excessively though, usually just one round of exchange, never more than three), many a time he would text me first (and I’m happy about that because I actually prefer guys to make the first move), and as before, he usually didn’t reply my sms’s until a few hours later, sometimes the next morning (and I never fussed about it because it’s still within my “next day” tolerance limit, although I really would like him to be more prompt because I always replied him immediately, and at times when I was busy I would respond as soon as I had a break, so I really don’t understand why’s it so difficult for him to do the same). He would call me 3 times a week before he went to bed (our chats were half to one hour long, usually between 7 to 9pm as he had to get up at 4.30am to go to work). I would text him on the days that he had to work to cheer him up, as he “complained” to me that it’s very long day sometimes he feel very tired and bored (well, he works 25 hours at a time, I can imagine), he often asked me to text him when he’s at work because he liked to read my sms’s, that made him very happy. He told me quite a bit about his work, hid childhood, his family (although I never really know what he does when he’s not working as he was not very forthright about it). Once he called and told me his grandma fell ill with serious lung problem he felt so worried and tired as he went to visit her straight after work and had been by her side for a few days. On two separate occasions he asked me to promise to go to Macau with him (although he never said when) because he loves and is very good at playing cards so has always wanted to visit the casinos there. To appear weak and vulnerable to me, and to want me to accompany him to fulfil his long-time dream, I think, he must see me as someone special to him.From the 2nd half of June onwards, our sms exchanges and his calls were less frequent than before but I was not less happy, because I could feel his love. We talked about the World Cup, Paul the Octopus, Germany’s defeat, and throughout July when I was studying for my exams, he constantly showed his concern and support for me. He even asked for my exam timetable and lit candles for me during those hours of my exams. He remembered my birthday and sent me a text early in the morning so that I was greeted by it as soon as I woke up, and he called in the evening to say happy birthday to me again.The only disappointment was he never came to see me, despite mentioning it a few times. Perhaps, he’s just not as keen to see me as I am to see him. Towards end of May I reminded him that I don’t have to study in June so if he’d like to come visit me... He said he’ll check his schedule and let me know, which never happened. In July I had a period of insomnia due to stress from impending exams, when I told him he gave me some suggestions like doing exercises and taking medicine, and he said he’ll come to London after my exams so we can go to pharmacies together as he couldn’t recommend what drugs to take without knowing what are available here. That built up my anticipation that he would come to see me as soon as my exams are over. I was already secretly imagining he would come on the last weekend of July (my exams finished on Wednesday). Therefore when nothing happened and he called on Sunday 1 Aug telling me he’s been working alternate days as he took on additional job, I felt really upset and tears actually welled up in my eyes – clearly, I’m not that important to him. I had thought that he would free up all his weekends now that my exams are over so that we can spend time together, but he did the contrary and took on more work which means he’ll probably feel more tired (he works 25 hours each time) so would want to spend more of his free time resting rather than going on dates with me. I didn’t know what to say, but I tried not to sound upset and said, try not to work too much, you need to take care of yourself, health is more important than money. I had said the same to him before when he “complained” about feeling very tired and sleepy after the long day’s work, but he said no no I’m not working too much, I only work when I want to (which is true because he’s freelance; he chooses to work this way because it gives him flexibility and freedom, and a much better pay than a full time job).The following afternoon (Monday) he texed to say hope I’m happy not having to study all the time and miss me very much. Honestly I was sceptical about his missing me as I believe “actions speak louder than words”. I thought perhaps I’d not been very clear about what I want, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and replied him in the evening “... if you would come and visit me when you have some time, I’ll be very happy”. Tuesday morning he replied saying he’ll be glad to visit me, he’s already happy about it. Thursday morning he texted again saying he dreamt of me before he woke up, he miss me so much. I replied to his texts as normal. On Saturday (7 Aug) he called, sensing from my voice that I was feeling low, he asked me to be happy, go out for a walk, see some friends, etc. I said ok I’ll try to be happy. He said “don’t try, BE, ok? promise me.” Those words were so impactful; I felt that perhaps he does care about me, genuinely. He then said he’s working on 13th, 15th and 17th Aug, he’ll check his schedule and come to see me soon, taking a flight from XX (another city; his city doesn’t have flights to London). When I told him that he could take a train and connect to Eurostar he sounded very happy, as that would save a lot of time and hassle compared to the flight.After that phone call I felt positive again and started thinking about what to do when he comes. I realised 30 Aug is a Bank Holiday; with a 3-day weekend Lake District looked very attractive (it’s kind of far from London so wouldn’t be feasible for a normal 2-day weekend). So the next day (Sunday) I called his home and mobile several times wanting to discuss the idea with him but nobody answered, so I texted him in the evening asking if he would be interested. Next morning he replied saying very happy about my sms will be glad to come to Lake District where is it exactly. At lunch time I replied it’s near Scotland would you call me when you can I’ll tell you more. He replied on Tuesday morning apologising that he was sleepy yesterday so did not notice my sms. I said it’s ok hope you feel more refreshed now talk to you soon. Wednesday morning he texted to say he’s at home tomorrow when can he call me he miss me. Only then I realised he was not at home from Sunday to Wednesday that’s why he had not called but texted me instead. Where was he then, what did he do, who was he with? Such questions sprang to my mind but I did not ask him – based on past experience he was always very upfront if he’s away from home due to work (he doesn’t work in the city where he lives) or visiting grandma; he told me previously that he’s working on 13th 15th 17th so it’s unlikely that he was working during those days (his work schedule is quite erratic, he can be busy working alternate days during a period and then not working at all for days), he didn’t volunteer his whereabout meaning he intentionally didn’t want me to know (back to my earlier point about his sometimes not being very forthright). Another instance is, fast-forward to 29 Aug (Sunday) when we were having dinner together I asked him what are you doing after you go home tomorrow, he said he’ll be working the following day (Tuesday) and again on Thursday and then he’ll fly to visit his relatives in Romania from 10th to 15th Sept. So there’s a whole week between his finishing work and visiting Romania that he skipped mention. I thought he didn’t mention because he’s probably gonna just stay at home and rest, or visit his parents and sister (they all live in the same city but not together), i.e. the routine stuff that he always told me, nothing special. Therefore I was really surprised when I called him on 8 Sept (Wednesday) at lunch time and he said he’s in Hungary. I didn’t even ask – once we exchanged the initial “hello how are you, I’m fine, you? I’m fine too” he immediately said he’s abroad in Hungary will call me when he’s back home, I said ok didn’t know you’re in Hungary thought you’re going to Romania this weekend, he said yes yes I’ll go to Romania next. He didn’t volunteer what’s he doing in Hungary and I didn’t ask. I don’t like to pry; if he wants me to know he’ll tell. I just feel that he’s still not very honest with me, and his words not very consistent (he told me he’s flying to Romania because train just takes too long; so why’s he now in Hungary then going to Romania next?) In retrospect, he was super polite and “respectful” the last time he was away from home but did not disclose to me, probably because he felt guilty not being honest with me. Usually when he wanted to call me he just called, but that time he texted me on Wednesday asking when he can call me the next day, and on Thursday when I missed his call because I was bathing he texted to say he tried to call me please tell him when he can try again he miss me. I felt a bit weird at that time – why is he so polite and formal, now I guess he was probably feeling guilty.Anyway, back to Thursday when he called. Being the nice and considerate person I am, I asked if he’d like to go to Lake District or would he rather just stay in London (I didn’t want to be dictating as Lake District was my idea and I had not discussed it with him yet). He said he doesn’t like to plan ahead, he likes to be spontaneous, we’ll see what to do when he comes. I said if we are going to Lake District we need to start planning coz trains and hotels will be very expensive when it’s nearer the date. He said oh money’s not a concern to him. So I dropped the topic and did not attempt to persuade him further. I felt disappointed because I have always wanted to go to Lake District, I have a feeling that the trip is not going to happen without prior planning, but I quickly consoled myself thinking that it’s already a big step he’s willing to come and visit me I really shouldn’t be asking for more. Then I asked when are you coming, he said he had not bought the tickets yet will check the internet and reserve the tickets tomorrow when he’s at work. We then talked about other things and before ending the call, he asked me to sms him tomorrow when he’s at work so he’ll be happy, I jokingly said, “if I remember”. The next evening I texted to ask if he managed to book the train tickets. He replied the following morning that he was working the whole day he could not go to the rail station. His reply didn’t make sense to me: he travels to work by train so why “could not go to the rail station”, also, he said he’s gonna check the internet and reserve the tickets so why need to go to the rail station? I tried to contain my displeasure and replied, “Poor XX darling you must have had a tough day. I empathise with you.. but I’m also feeling disappointed because you told me you were going to reserve the tickets yesterday. You know how much I look forward to seeing you..” My sms probably sounded very formal, I was trying to not show my anger and be respectful and serious at the same time. He called me in the afternoon when he got home and explained he couldn’t reserve the tickets on the internet and ticket machine, will buy at the rail station after work on Monday. So he did. And I felt happy.In the two weeks leading up to his visit, I felt as though I was in “honeymoon” again. He texted me every day to say he think of me and miss me, in the evening he would wish me good night and good sleep, and on the days he was not working he would call me.When he eventually came at the end of August (arrived Sat noon, left Mon morning), I was under the impression that he really enjoyed his time with me and he liked me. He brought me a Longchamp bag as my belated birthday present, he paid all the bills (once I offered to pay for the coffee but he declined with such soft and gentle looks in his eyes), he would find a quiet spot, order some beer, and we would sit there gazing into each other’s eyes and smile, we had no qualms sharing a croissant (of course we cut it in halves first) and tasting each other’s food, he was very happy about the restaurants I brought him to (“very fine taste” he said) and praised me for my choice of food and wine, I entrusted him with my umbrella so he kept it under his armpit close to his body all the time, when we sat at a cafe and my umbrella fell down the balcony he dashed into the bushes to pick it up and brushed away the dirt for me, he told me a lot more about his work and his investment (not just what he did but also his thought process and rationale), he revealed to me a lot more about his childhood and the tough times he endured, I shared with him my agony over my failing memory (I learnt advanced maths and science in high school and I used to give tuitions on those subjects but now I can hardly remember anything since I don’t use them anymore) and he tried to comfort me saying reassuringly that yes I still remember they are in some corner of my memory.He talked about riding horses so I asked him to teach me one day and he agreed, he talked about his coin collection so I said you must show me ok and he smiled, he asked when will I know my exam results (when he had already asked many times before during our phone chats). There are lots of places to hang out near where I live so we didn’t have to go far for our date, and his hotel is just 5 minutes walk from my house, so we inevitably walked on some paths repeatedly during the two days that he was here. Once on the way back, I said to him, you’ll lead the way, he said so you trust me with the direction huh, I said yes, and I could tell he was very happy. I also teased him occasionally (although I’m 27, I can be like a child at times when I’m really happy and behave mischievously if I’m in the mood for playing).His train home was 9am Monday morning, so I met him at his hotel at 7.15am and accompanied him to the train station. When we stepped into the warm morning sun and the fresh morning air, he remarked that the weather is so fine, I felt that he missed the time here now that he had to go. On the Tube (London metro) ride to the train station, he thanked me, a bit apologetically, for getting up so early to see him off and asked me, again with such gentle looks in his eyes, to take one of his croissants lest I was hungry (well, the day before, I brought him to buy some pastries and a bottle of coke so that he could have them as breakfast on his homeward journey, and I also gave him a few apples that I had at home). I asked would you come again, he said yes, I smiled and gave him my Tube map saying, pay me a surprise visit next time. When we reached the train station, he wanted to give me back his Oyster card (London transport card, which I had prepaid for him and had more than £15 balance left), I said “keep it, give me a surprise next time you come and don’t let me know beforehand”, so he didn’t insist on giving it back to me. I didn’t plan this “surprise visit” speech beforehand, I just felt it so I said it, but I think it shouldn’t be an impossible challenge for him because previously I had shown him the route from the train station to my station a few times, and the route is also highlighted on the Tube map that I gave him, so I trust that he should be able to find his way when he does come next time. After he was done with the check-in and ready to go into the departure hall, he hugged me (which felt tighter than ever before) and asked me what I’m doing later on, I said don’t know, give me a call when you reach home so that I know you arrived safely, he looked longingly at me as he was edging into the departure hall and said “go to the Carnival, ok?”, I smiled a little and shook my head, said “bye then” and turned and left, tears were already welling up in my eyes. [A little aside: I think the reason he asked me to go to the Notting Hill Carnival was because he knew that I wanted to see it very much, we went to the children’s parade on Sunday, but the actual, grand Carnival was on Bank Holiday Monday i.e. the day he left, so he probably felt bad not being able to accompany me to watch it]. He texed me when he changed his train in Brussels, wished me a fine day and said he’ll call me when he’s home. I didn’t expect him to text at all so I was really happy. And he did call me shortly after he got home, he said “I don’t hear music in the background, you are not at the Carnival?”, I said “I only go with you I don’t go with anyone else”, to which he responded immediately without thinking “next time you want to go somewhere we’ll go together, ok?”, and thanked me again for waking up early to see him off saying I was so nice and kind and wished me a good day.I was so happy and kept thinking about him the rest of the day, reminiscing the time we spent together. The happy feeling lasted for days and only started to wear off and became overtaken by anxiety, insecurity and fear, when I didn’t hear from him again after the 4th day, because we were never out of touch for more than 3 days. I started to fear that something bad might have happened to him so I called him last Wednesday to find out if he’s alright. Before that call I didn’t have any doubt about our relationship at all (because I felt so positive that he loved me and cared about me after our date), my only fear was that something bad had happened to him that’s why he couldn’t contact me, because it would be so uncustomary of him to not reply to my sms or call me. I’m not needy or clingy; if he had told me upfront he’ll be away and won’t be contacting me from when to when, I’ll have no problem with that at all, because I know what to expect. But, it’s been 2 weeks now, I have become really unsure about what’s going on and what he’s thinking of me and the relationship.Perhaps he didn’t like me at all, he just treated me as a friend? During the time he was here, we didn’t have any physical intimacy at all, apart from the 2 hugs each day – when we met and when we said good bye (he didn’t give me good night kiss). I gave him plenty of hints: I walked really close to him thereby occasionally rubbing my body against him, I casually touched his arm when we talked, I gazed lovingly into his eyes, I held on to his elbow while he held my umbrella over us... Before we went out for our last dinner on Sunday, he was at my house but he insisted on going back to his hotel to shave before coming back to pick me up, we had wine, and he offered me chewing gum after we finished dinner, so I thought he was going to kiss me later, but no, he never did. He always acted proper and gentlemanly, and never once did he mention about our “relationship” (I didn’t raise the topic either because I feel I should let him take the lead). BUT, this trip set him back more than £500 – would he invest so much money, and time, for a date with “just a friend”?Perhaps I did something wrong during our date and turned him off? On the first day he wanted to pay me for the Oyster card in which I had preloaded money but I declined. He wanted to withdraw cash but I strongly advised against it saying you’ll be charged interest on the withdrawal it’s very expensive you can pay by card everywhere (well I always only carry my cards with me and never had any problem), not knowing that his was not a credit card and was not accepted by the hotel’s payment system so we ended up having to make a trip back to the cash machine, and he was visibly frustrated. I asked him to pose in front of the Houses of Parliament and the Buckingham Palace and took 2 pictures of him (taking pictures is a habit that I’ve developed as a traveller/tourist because I want to keep record of all the fond memories), he might have felt that my request was strange but he didn’t protest and smiled brightly into my camera anyway. I couldn’t engage with him in conversations regarding the economy and stock market investments so perhaps he’s disappointed at my ignorance. He wanted to go to my house to check his internet banking and make sure he’s not charged multiple times by the hotel due to his repeated attempts to pay by debit card (he had keyed in the PIN but the transaction didn’t go through) but I said I really want to go to the Carnival with a pleading look in my eyes so he gave in and said ok let’s go (I could tell he didn’t enjoy it, the children’s parade wasn’t that fantastic, it was rainy and the ground was dirty, and he didn’t seem at ease being in the crowded place, we were there for only half an hour before he led me back out). He talked at length about the economy bubble that he thinks is happening in my home country and advised me to take my parents with me and migrate elsewhere, I had no idea why he was telling me all this and I got bored and looked spaced out, maybe he was unhappy that I didn’t pay attention to him. When we were walking home after dinner on the second day I felt the wind was very cold so I asked him aren’t you cold (he was wearing just a t-shirt) while buttoning up my cardigan, he said no give me your hand and lent out his left palm, I touched his palm but quickly took back saying your hand is not much warmer either – it was like a reflex act on my part, I didn’t even think before I said those words, but in retrospect I think that probably hurt him very deeply...Although I don’t think it’s an issue (at least not for me), my mom suggested that he might be bothered by our age difference and my return to Asia next year therefore he has given up pursuing a relationship with me. We are 9 years apart but he might think it’s more as I’ve not told him my age, and based on what I told him about me (over 2 years of working experience after graduation from university) he might be guessing that I’m 24 or 25. The age gap doesn’t bother me; I’m attracted to WHO he is, and anyway he looks very youthful at 36. But could it be a problem for him? He knows that I am from Asia, I told him that when we first met on the train in Germany, and at that time I also said, in the long run I want to go back to my home country or at least somewhere nearby so that I can be close to my parents especially when they grow older. I had lived in another country all by myself, away from my family, for 10 years before coming to London, and he knows about that because we talked about it during one of our phone chats before, and I also told him that I like the life here in London and in Europe, it feels more leisurely and there’s better work life balance compared to where I came from. He did ask me, on the first day he was here while walking me home, how I came to work in London. I told him “I’m on secondment here”, he asked “and you have to go back?” I said “yes, I have to go back next year for 3 years, because of the contract. But after that I’m free to go anywhere I want.” To me, 3 years is not a long time; I’ve been in London for 2 years and time just flies by. He had told me he doesn’t like to stay and work in Germany, he’ll probably want to go somewhere else within the next 3 years. So I thought he’s not in a stable stage of his life anyway and he probably wouldn’t think about setting up a family until he’s more settled down. I’m very mobile and adaptable; if I marry him, I can go wherever he wants to go, I don’t really mind where I end up living. The thing is, for a guy who’s 36 and single, and always talks about wanting freedom (he talked about freedom in the context of work, but I think it probably also applies to his attitude towards life in general), would he ever want to get married and stay in a committed relationship?If you have patiently followed my story up to this point, I trust that you are genuinely interested in helping me. Please, I want to know why he has changed 180 degrees all of a sudden, do we have a future, and if there’s a chance, how can I make it happen.It may be tempting to say just move on, but it’s really difficult to do, because I just don’t find someone whom I’m so attracted to that easily.He said he’s gonna call me when he’s back to Germany, which would be 16th Sept if what he told me previously is still true. I don’t know if he’ll call me immediately, or if he’ll ever call at all. Should I give him a few days (I was thinking till end of this week) to get back on with his normal life before contacting him? What should I say to him – if I tell him what I’ve been telling you guys here, would it be too much / heavy / intense for him to handle and scare him away for good?Thanks for reading my agony. I look forward to you insight and advice.
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female
reader, Plain Jane  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Probably we are both from the same country or just neighboring country of SEA from the way you write. I can understand you and your parents very well, your mais trying to encourage you as she thout it was something positive but this isnot the way it works in the otehr side of the world.Males in our culture will only approach, be friendly and romantic with his "target".I suspect the man you love could have some sexual issue or he is a gay.He cud have a family or lover hidden somewhere. I can say that you only know 30 percent of himand no physical touch after 2-3 times meet up is very very unusual in the West !So sorry to ask you to wake up and please do not lie to yourself anymore.He will never want a sticky relationship with you.I have dated many guys including the Western. Physical touch is important !You do not need to give so many hints and initiatives.Take Care and look for a better man who can care for your heart and soul deeply.
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (28 September 2010):
ILoveCupid is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Boonridge McPhalify :) I'm indeed feeling much better now, when I learn to accept reality and just let it be...
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male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (28 September 2010):
 i think that although there might be an attraction there, it probably stemmed from friendship. your mum was egging you on and parents are never a good judge of wether anyone fancies you because they are biased.
it sounds like a friendship, but as for a practical relationship occurring it seems unlikely because you live in different countries. simple, if you live very far from someone and have not yet had the chance to get close to them in person, and are going to in the future live much further away than currently, then i think luck is against you.
if you are to have any chance, ask to go and see him, book some days off and meet up with him in real life. if sparks happen they happen, if they dont they dont. emails and text leave you no further on than when you first met him. real life meeting up is the way to know. make the effort and if he isn't interested you have your answer...
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (28 September 2010):
ILoveCupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, thanks so much for your responses. The consensus is pretty clear, and I think you guys are probably right, because your views are objective.
Rescuer brought a particularly fresh perspective - cultural differences probably played a huge part in my drama. In my culture, if a guy has been doing all those nice things that he did to me, that would mean he's very very into me. I didn't know it's actually very common in Germany (and indeed other places) that people are so open and nice and they don't mean anything special. A lot of things make sense to me now, when I look at them from this angle.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (27 September 2010):
 Ok, I apologize because when it got into the day by day text exchanges, you lost me. But at the core of what we're dealing with here is a "relationship" that will never be what you want it to be.
It's nice that you had some good exchanges. I think you guys could make great pen pals, but a relationship is likely never going to happen unless you relocate to be together.
Why?
1.) To me, he doesn't sound that into you. The more someone is into you, the quicker they'll respond to calls/texts/emails. He is taking hours, sometimes days, to respond if he even bothers to respond at all. He was nice to you, that doesn't mean he wants a relationship. I'm not saying he didn't find you attractive or something like that, but I don't see him committing to anything with you right now.
2.) LDR's don't work. He sounds to me like someone who feels as I do about them and therefore will not get himself into one. If you were staying in London, I could understand entertaining the idea. After all, 5 hours by train isn't bad. You could spend regular weekends together and such. Being that you'll be moving to Asia within a year, why spend so much energy on a relationship that's doomed anyway?
Listen, the only way that LDR's work is when the couple has been together physically and someone moves, but they have plans to move to be together down the road. Even then many fail. Starting a relationship knowing that you'll never see eachother is foolish. What kind of relationship is that anyway? Sure, you can chat on the phone or on skype or something like that, but eventually you want to hold the person you love. You'll never have the physical part of the relationship so you'll just crave it. While the physical should be the only important thing in a relationship, you shouldn't fool yourself into thinking that it isn't important at all.
I'm sorry to say this but if you want continued contact with this man, I would suggest being friends or pen pals. Then, if you don't get regular communication, it's not a problem. Also, you can be free to find someone who wants to spend time with you and who you want to spend time with. Someone who you can actually BE with, not just talk to or text.
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (26 September 2010):
ILoveCupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATES and further questions:
So, I have been reading other people’s Q&As on this website as well as articles on dating, love and relationship in general, and have been reflecting and asking myself questions...
My conclusion is, it was probably infatuation that I experienced in the beginning (same for him I think, judging from the strong emotions that showed through in his texts and phone calls, and our recent date), and it now has come to the “make or break” point, as Plain Jane said, “When the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or the relationship ends.”
I want the relationship to move into a loving, long term, committed one. And I think I’m ready to make this move, because I was not blinded by infatuation, I could see his imperfections, but everybody has flaws, I believe he’s a good person overall. And although I still think of him, I don’t miss him like crazy, I get on with my busy life as usual, and I believe I’m thinking rationally.
Therefore, it’s a conscious decision that I’m making, to want to reconnect with him, because that’s the only way to get to know him better, to really see all the good and bad things about him, so that I can eventually tell myself if I’m willing to accept him as he is and live the rest of my life with him.
I’m very clear about what I want. But I have no idea what is he thinking. I don’t know how to reconnect with him, if that’s possible at all.
To fill you up on what happened since my last recount of our story:-
So he didn’t call me like he said he would after he returned to Germany on 15 Sept (Wednesday). I waited until Saturday (around 2.30pm) to send him a sms: “Hi XX (his name), hope you had a good time in Hungary and Romania. How are you recently? Give me a call when you can ok? Would be great to catch up. YY (my name)” [Side note: we used to call each other darling, dear, sweetie, etc. and not by names, but in this text I used our firstnames, as I wasn’t sure whether it was appropriate to call him darling again.]
No reply. So on Sunday I called his home phone and mobile a few times but nobody picked up. When I returned from lunch at 1pm, I called his mobile again, no answer. Just when I decided to give up calling, I noticed a text from him, sent an hour ago while I was away at lunch. He wrote: “Hello YY, how are you? I am working. Did you call me today a few times?” I replied: “Hey yes it’s me. Wanted to ask if you’d like to go to Oktoberfest with me. Call me to discuss as soon as you can ok? Thanks.” [He loves beer; I thought this invitation to have a light and fun date would probably make it easy for him to accept.]
He only responded on Monday 7am (it’s not unusual to receive his text early morning, this happened many times before): “Hi YY, I am sorry, but I have so much to do, I cannot go to Oktoberfest. Don’t be angry. Yours XX”. [I don’t know why he has so much to do, he told me he works only 5 times a month, and at that time there were 2 full weeks left until the end of Oktoberfest.]
Until now (Sunday) I still haven’t texted back. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if I should.
On the one hand, I think I should hold back from contacting him again, if he said he has so much to do (be it for real or not).
On the other hand, “out of sight, out of mind”, would he forget about me or think that I’m not interested in him anymore, so he’s not going to contact me again without me contacting him first (after all, the last text was from him, so the ball is now in my court)?
What should I do? Is there any chance of getting back with him at all?
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female
reader, ILoveCupid +, writes (14 September 2010):
ILoveCupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi both, thank you very much for your insight.
The distinction between infatuation and love is a new concept to me, and I've started reading about it to try and understand my situation more.
Don't come across being heavy or intense is also good advice, which reinforces what I intuitively feel I should not be doing.
I still think he did like me, not just as a friend, based on what he said and did, would you agree?
However, what could be the reasons for his sudden 180 degree turn? He still seemed so loving when he called shortly after he reached home, but come next day and he just "disappeared"! Why would he even bother texting me when he reached Brussels (which was unasked for) and calling me when he reached home (saying without thinking, "next time you want to go somewhere we'll go together ok?"), if he sees me no more than just a friend?
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female
reader, Plain Jane +, writes (14 September 2010):
I would say your feeling is most likely to be infatuation rather than love.
During infatuation we experience a surge through the brain that causing us to feel good.
The body can build up tolerances to these chemicals so it takes more of the substance to get that special feeling of infatuation. People who jump from relationship to relationship may be craving the intoxicating effects of these substances and may be “infatuation junkies”.
When the chemical flood dries up, the relationship either moves into a loving romantic one or the relationship ends.
Maybe he knew that you wanted to treat him more than friend and he starts to slow down.
Take care of your health, stress and heart....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Okay, sorry to say this but you've know him for 5 months and I think you are way out ahead of things by expecting so much. Your extremely long and detailed story isn't enough to compensate for the fact that you really don't know him that well and that you have excessive expectations of this thing.
Not every romantic meeting story turns into a happy ending. Surely if you are emotionally balanced you would realize that some great fish get away.
Just email him. Say "hey, it was great to see you last time. I'd love to see you if you have time on this next visit. Contact me if you can." Then let him initiate contact.
Sorry if you can't find other people you are compatible with but desperation is not sexy, it's off-putting and distinctly a negative for most people. It's not his job or responsibility to fulfill your expectations, so back off on those.
Just give him a light, bright easy chance to set up a date/meeting/visit with you. If he doesn't take you up on it, see that as a sign that you are too intense and needto back off.
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