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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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There is a fine lin... (read in full...)
Is it wrong for me to date a guy who is younger than me? And why wont he leave his girlfriend for me?
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Good luck.
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Have I just been fooled?
Q. So, here is the situation: I feel like a fool right now. I started to get closer to this girl more than one and a half years ago. She had a boyfriend back then, but I knew that she is unhappy and the guy just does not let her go, even after a few...
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Is going out with other guys (one on one when in a relationship) ok?
Q. Me and my Gf have been going out for about a year, she's really nice and i'm sure i wanna be with her forever... But there are just some guys that still talk to her, and ask her out one on one. should i feel uncomfortable with that? Because i get ...
A. 12 January 2011: It all comes down to trust. How much do you trust her?
You should share with her how you're feeling. Don't make her feel guilty, but just tell her that you're worried she isn't content with you anymore that she's going out with these guys. ... (read in full...)
Should I let this threesome happen?
Q. yea is it okay if my gf and i have a threesome i am not keen on the idea because its going to be a stranger plus its another guy should i let this happen?she told me it was going to be better i dont know what to do!...
A. 12 January 2011: Well, if you're unsure it's best not to do it. I've done it and it changed how I felt about my GF. So Mr. Jizzpudding, why is this even on the table? Is it something she really wants? Was it something you thought you wanted? Is this third party ... (read in full...)
When poverty comes to a man's life, why does the woman slip away through the window?
Q. when poverty comes to a man life why do woman slip away though the window. Y? ...
A. 12 January 2011: Eric Clapton wrote a song about it. "Nobody knows you, when you're down and out."
Some men are lazy, and their poverty is their fault. I've seen plenty of men here who have been mooching off their significant other for years. While she's wo... (read in full...)
My brother and I have a complicated past.
Q. I need help, but I do not know the best way to ask it without giving the big picture first. Please, I ask that you be patient as you read this recount of my past before offering your advice. When I was 12, my oldest brother (then 18) and I became...
A. 12 January 2011: Alienated family relationships are truely difficult to overcome. It takes one party reaching out in order to facilitate things.
Are you capable of putting things behind you? Are the things she did unforgivable?
I don't know if that is the b... (read in full...)
How do I get my husband to want sex again?
Q. Ok, the last time I posted something I was on the verge of leaving my husband. That was about 6 months ago, and then right before I was about to meet with a lawyer he did a complete 180 and has changed so many of the things that I was upset about. ...
A. 12 January 2011: Holy cow! Where to start...
I'll start with the good things. I'm glad that he's making an effort to appreciate you more. It is a very good sign and speaks well about him and how important your relationship is to him. Things like this take tim... (read in full...)
Is her friend holding her back?
Q. hello i need some advice on what to do i have wrote before about my girlfriend calling me controlling and manipulative, thats the reason she left. anyway she got into a relationship with another girl and it didnt work out, now she wants to come ...
A. 12 January 2011: I think your whole question is confusing the shit out of me. When talking about multiple different women, you should not have sentences where the only descriptors are her and she. It's incredibly difficult to follow.
Also, she's not your gir... (read in full...)
I hate him and so do our teenagers! I'm only staying because of the toddlers.
Q. My husband and I have been together 17 years and had 4 children. We have 2 teenagers and 2 toddlers. Our first 15 years together were great years. The last 2 years have been pure missery. My husband did a complete 180 and is a totally different ...
A. 12 January 2011: I think you should talk to an attorney and see about getting some divorce paperwork drafted. Then present it to him and tell him he either takes your concerns seriously or you're going through with a divorce. He's going to need it to slap him in ... (read in full...)
I'm back in the love-state with him, but he has a girlfriend! What do I do?
Q. I'm a 20 year old girl and becoming crazy because of my heart racing and chaos in my mind. It's a long story but, in November 2010 i fell headlessly in love with this boy, he lives 20 minutes driving away from me, so i didn't saw him for a very ...
A. 12 January 2011: Yup, he sounds like a charming player. He got the reaction he was hoping for, but like thewalkin'dude said, no good will come from this.
He has a girlfriend, so he should be off limits to you. It takes two to cheat, so don't be that girl.... (read in full...)
Using lubricant for sex makes me feel useless! Is there anything I can do?
Q. When me and my boyfriend have sex i feel in the moment but then i just like become unwet. it is horrible and now i feel like he is getting mad at me for it even though i cant control it. im kinda anti lube.. no clue why it just makes me feel weird. ...
A. 12 January 2011: I don't get why you're anti lube. If this is a problem, then why not take a simple step to fix it? Lots of women have difficulty getting or staying wet, even with lots of foreplay or being really in the mood. There is nothing wrong with you. But ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has an irrational fear of pregnancy, even though we never had sex!
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He announced his love for me, broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years, but how do I enter a relationship with him without becoming a rebound?
Q. I have been best friends with my male friend for 7 years. We both were in long term relationships for most of the time we have known each other. My bf and I broke up about a year ago and this last year my best friend has been having relationship ...
A. 12 January 2011: I'd be willing to bet that this isn't just a rebound. During the tenure of your friendship he's likely harbored some feelings for you that he's just repressed. I think it would be good if you take things slowly, but don't miss this opportunity. ... (read in full...)
How do I let go of things from my past relationship?
Q. Ok so I have a bit of a problem when it comes to letting things go, I suppose. Six months ago, my [now ex]boyfriend broke up with me, and about a month ago I felt like I had finally gotten over him. But I can't help but have thoughts that bug me now ...
A. 12 January 2011: What you describe just sounds like immature behavior from him. Self awareness doesn't happen at the same time for everyone. He sounds pretty typical for a guy his age, and you perhaps a bit advanced.
Worrying about the stuff like if he cheat... (read in full...)
Is it possible for a woman to cry on demand?
Q. Hi, Last year I was in a relationship with a woman who in retrospect I feel was manipulating me. She had asked me for a lot of money and I gave it to her over the course of the year, without getting anything back. (We were not even dating.) But I fo...
A. 12 January 2011: Many can, and many will use it to their advantage. Ultimately, some tears are real too though, so it's not good to become completely jaded.
Ask yourself, is she trying to get something out of me? What's causing her to cry? Is this reaction... (read in full...)
After all these yrs & all that we've been through why porn?
Q. In need of some advice. Me and my child's father are trying to work things out. We've been off and on for almost 9 yrs (majority of it was my fault) and we have a 2 yr old. He say's that he's forgiven me and is willing to let the past be the ...
A. 12 January 2011: First things first. You have the right to not like whatever you want. You never need to accept anything you don't want in your life. It's up to you to decide how important something is to you.
That said (and I really do mean it), relation... (read in full...)
Should I move in with my married lover or will it not be accepted?
Q. Hello all. I hope you're enjoying the new year. Well, I'm in a quandary. Just over a year ago I began seeing a work colleague. There was an obvious attraction between us for about six months before we kissed. Naively, I thought that we could ma...
A. 12 January 2011: Yup, that's because she's generally viewed as someone sleeping her way to the top. Those women do exist, I've met them.... (read in full...)
My girlfriend told me I was the best kisser she's ever kissed, when she asked me I told her she wasn't the worst!
Q. The other day my girlfriend and I were together, and we were happy and flirty as usual. Then she brought up that I was the best kisser out of any of the boyfriends she has had. Then she asked how she was, and when I thought about it in my head, I ...
A. 11 January 2011: LMAO!!! Sorry to laugh about your problem, but this reminded me of something I did once. One time I noticed a female friend had gotten a haircut. The night before she was talking about needing a haircut and saying she was just going to cut it ... (read in full...)
I tested my boyfriend and he failed!
Q. so i had my friend send my bf a message on myspace to see if he would cheat on me she sent him a message asking him if he had a girlfriend and he said no. I found a different reason to break up with him and after i broke up with him i asked him why ...
A. 11 January 2011: You can't. You were a complete [explitive deleted]!!!
Quit playing games with people. I hope karma bites you for this one. Why would you even want to fix things after you went out of your way to wreak them?
Leave that poor guy alone.... (read in full...)
How do I get over my first love who dumped me for someone closer to her?
Q. My ex dumped me on the 29/12/10 at 10:00pm we was together for 385 days and 1200 seconds. We met over the internet on a chat site, we got to know each other over 7 months then I asked her out. Two months later I gave her a love letter, it was quite ...
A. 11 January 2011: Here's my suggestion. Focus on girls you can be with in real life not just limited engagements every couple of months. LDR's are rarely successful.
I agree with the others that the counting thing is a little creepy. Each one can still be... (read in full...)
Should I move in with my married lover or will it not be accepted?
Q. Hello all. I hope you're enjoying the new year. Well, I'm in a quandary. Just over a year ago I began seeing a work colleague. There was an obvious attraction between us for about six months before we kissed. Naively, I thought that we could ma...
A. 10 January 2011: OP, Since I didn't see that answered, MM means Married Man.
Enjoy your affair. I wonder what HR would think about it.... (read in full...)
Do others get caught having sex?
Q. I have been caught several times by my parents and my boyfriends parents "messing around"/ foreplay and once having sex, I am so traumatized! Does this happen to a lot of people? ...
A. 10 January 2011: I had that happen back in the day. It was rather embarassing for everyone involved.... (read in full...)
Every time I start to get over her past, something new pops up!
Q. I have been in a relationship for aprox 10 months and I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriends past. When we first started dating one time after sex we were lying in bed and she started in on the "what's the craziest sexual thing you have ...
A. 7 January 2011: Ok, some of the posts were a bit too long for me to read at the moment, but I wanted to comment on something from your follow up.
Well first, thank you for the follow up.
One thing I've started to understand about some women is that they are... (read in full...)
Every time I start to get over her past, something new pops up!
Q. I have been in a relationship for aprox 10 months and I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriends past. When we first started dating one time after sex we were lying in bed and she started in on the "what's the craziest sexual thing you have ...
A. 7 January 2011: One other note, leaving will only solve the problem with her, but these issues will carry to any relationship you have if you don't address them. I wish you luck finding the root of your issues.... (read in full...)
Just because we had a foursome with my boyfriend's best friend, doesn't give him the right to kiss me!
Q. Hi everyone so my boyfriend and i have been pretty much a foursome with this other couple since we started dating. my boyfirend has been best friends with this guy since we started dating and i work with him, so through him ive become really g...
A. 7 January 2011: If I read that right, he didn't kiss you because you stopped him. Basically nothing happened other than him confessing feelings for you.
I think I'd drop it and pretend it never happened. Were there witnesses that could report it back to your ... (read in full...)
What should I do with a boyfriend who is so loving and supportive that I can't reciprocate?
Q. I am in a ridiculous predicament - my boyfriend is a wonderful guy to me, he will do anything to please me. Of course he has his negatives (as does everyone) but he is just so caring, supportive and loving to me... yet I just can't reciprocate. I ...
A. 7 January 2011: It is possible for someone to be too clingy. People show affection in different ways, and a highly affectionate person mixed with someone who is not as affectionate can lead to a situation like the one you find yourself in.
Can you compromi... (read in full...)
Every time I start to get over her past, something new pops up!
Q. I have been in a relationship for aprox 10 months and I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriends past. When we first started dating one time after sex we were lying in bed and she started in on the "what's the craziest sexual thing you have ...
A. 7 January 2011: "sexual daliances and threesomes are still in the forefront of her mind and not in the past"
I'm going to call bullshit on this anon. If these were still important to her she would still be doing them, and not be in a committed relation... (read in full...)
Do guys like their hair being played with?
Q. Do guys like to have there hair played with? Not just when kissing...
A. 7 January 2011: It depends on my mood and how it's done. When I had long hair in the past I loved it when girls played with it. A good scalp massage is hard to beat!... (read in full...)
I don't like women in any way but I watch lesbian porn. What does this mean?
Q. im 110% straight. but i watch lesbian porn. i dont like women in that way just the porn. what does this mean??...
A. 7 January 2011: It means that's what you like. Nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you gay or bi. I don't blame you for liking lesbian porn, it's often less degrading than standard porn. Plus, the focus is on the woman's pleasure. It's no surprise why you ... (read in full...)
Every time I start to get over her past, something new pops up!
Q. I have been in a relationship for aprox 10 months and I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriends past. When we first started dating one time after sex we were lying in bed and she started in on the "what's the craziest sexual thing you have ...
A. 7 January 2011: Do you have a sexual history? If you do, then you're a hypocrite. Just because you haven't shared details of your history with her doesn't mean it doesn't exist. The past is the past, and it cannot be changed. Ultimately you have a retroacti... (read in full...)
My boyfriend doesn't seem to care about me
Q. I have an uncaring boy friend, he doesnt seem to care at all, he makes dates and forgets and even forgets to appolgize, he doesnt communicate much, he says he doesnt like phone calls and sms. He even doesnt like going out! he says he loves me but ...
A. 6 January 2011: Yup, that's called emotional blackmail and it's a bad sign. If he really loved you he'd accept your beliefs because they make you the person he loves.
You could always reply, "I need you to be more caring to even want to consider having sex with... (read in full...)
Bad girls!
Q. What does it mean if a guy says "Are you a bad girl?" to you ? It will be something sexual, as he has said that he wants to have sex with me, but what does being "bad" mean exactly? Or is that just something that guys say when they are turned on? ...
A. 6 January 2011: Bad, naughty, they are just words. Often it's part of dirty talk. When I use it, it means she's teasing me and it's driving me nuts. "Naughty" or "bad" is often good in that context. It means you're turning him on.... (read in full...)
Sex: I tend to do things I don’t want to, to avoid making a scene
Q. I'm basically just curious I’ve only slept with a few people and tend to do things I don’t want to, to avoid making a scene... I guess. It's just a few general questions about sex and what other people think. You don’t have to answer them all, ...
A. 6 January 2011: 1) I don't really care, but I do find it a bit of a turn on if she were to spit it out in front of me.
2) Not all guys like that. It's mostly a porn thing. Some reasons why guys like it are porn, dominance, acceptance, and they just do. Once it... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has a "friend" she doesn't even know.
Q. My girlfriend is meeting up this this guy she barely knows(they met once a few years ago that's all) and she has been buying new clothes, getting a haircut, dying her hair (she would never dye her hair) and suddenly making herself all stylish and ...
A. 6 January 2011: Girls don't realize that we as men understand men's intentions better than women do. You know this guy is trying to get with her, and it bugs you because either she's oblivious to it or she likes it. Worst case is that she actually would be ... (read in full...)
He took advantage of our friendship and I'm distraught
Q. please guys help im so fed up and upset and yes this is all my own fault. i thought a guy i knew was my friend. at first he was very sincere and in a bad way because his wife cheated on him. i thought he neede a friend so i took him under my wing-in ...
A. 6 January 2011: It's natural to feel distraught when you get used. I'm sorry this guy used you like this. People who abuse friendships are the worst. Learn from this and don't make the mistake again. I wouldn't waste any more time with him though.... (read in full...)
How do you get rid of boredom?
Q. How do you get rid of boredom?...
A. 6 January 2011: Surf the net
Play games
Join a club
Take up a hobby
Watch a movie
Go for a walk
Practice a circus act
Get a tattoo
Go on a date
Take a nap
Study
Read a book
Write a book
Get a job
Improve yourself
Take up an instrument
Basically ... (read in full...)
Why can't I get over this unhealthy relationship?
Q. I was with my ex for 14 years. However, for the last 4 years we had a purely platonic relationship. This ws difficult for me as sex had always been important to me. We eventually split - relatively amicable too. VERY shrtly afterwards I was ...
A. 6 January 2011: People often want what they cannot have. When they have it, they will destroy it.
Ultimately, hyper passionate relationships often turn into an emotional rollercoaster. They leave you pondering another ride forever, even when you know it's bad... (read in full...)
My fiance wants sex but it's against my beliefs
Q. My fiance wants sex and i don't want it becos it is against my religious belief but i allow him 2 make him happy but at the end i feel so unworthy and it's affecting my christain life ...
A. 6 January 2011: You should never allow someone do do something that makes you feel shameful. Sex should be about connection and mutual enjoyment. He needs to respect your beliefs or he's with the wrong person.
If someone pressures you to do something using th... (read in full...)
My boyfriend doesn't seem to care about me
Q. I have an uncaring boy friend, he doesnt seem to care at all, he makes dates and forgets and even forgets to appolgize, he doesnt communicate much, he says he doesnt like phone calls and sms. He even doesnt like going out! he says he loves me but ...
A. 6 January 2011: P.S. Living with a guy mate doesn't make him gay. It's actually pretty common to live with friends of the same sex. Often it's easier than living with someone of the opposite sex.... (read in full...)
My boyfriend doesn't seem to care about me
Q. I have an uncaring boy friend, he doesnt seem to care at all, he makes dates and forgets and even forgets to appolgize, he doesnt communicate much, he says he doesnt like phone calls and sms. He even doesnt like going out! he says he loves me but ...
A. 6 January 2011: Actions speak louder than words. His actions speak to his true feelings.
Are you asking too much by wanting him to care more?
Nope.
Are you needy?
Maybe a little, but as long as you're willing to compromise that's not a real iss... (read in full...)
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