A
male
age
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*yotai
writes:I was with my ex for 14 years. However, for the last 4 years we had a purely platonic relationship. This ws difficult for me as sex had always been important to me. We eventually split - relatively amicable too. VERY shrtly afterwards I was approached by a woman who blew me away. She ticked every single box for me but particularly physically. We embarked on a very very passionate relationship. I was more than aware how soon it was after my slipt, but there was nothing I could do...I fell deeply in love very quickly - we both did! We both spoke of how scared we were that it might not work out, and I admit I always had a knot in my stomach. We were both experiencing emotions that we had not had since we were teenagers...jealousy of ex partners...paranois about others...it was ridiculous and painful whilst at the same time wonderful. Ultimately I asked her to marry me...she accepted...all this after three months! We were making plans for her and her 5yo son to move in etc...all very quick but it felt right (still that knot in my stomach though!).To cut a long story short cracks started to appear. For my part I saw that she developed a sort of contempt. She would start to pick and fault find...frequently ridicule. Also she had a frighteningly low tollerance to alcohol. On one occasion she attacked me punching me in the head and kicking me out of bed. Full of apologies I accepted that it was drink and we moved on. However, she was so paranoid about other women, she was wound up and neurotic that therer were times I could no longer handle it. We would go for a drink and she would walk off with my friends leaving me 20 yards behind her...she would talk to my friends in the pub ignoring me for up to an hour...al feeling like I was being tested somehow...horrible. In the end, as a result of her lying in bed like a stone and refusing to tell me what was wrong and keeping tight lipped when I tried to kiss her I broke. I asked her to leave as it was too much to cope with...it had really started to feel like emotional abuse.She left. A few days later I texted asking if she was ok. She came round and when I went upstairs she was in bed 'posing' beckoning me to get in with her??? I again, felt almost planned as in "you won't forget this body will you". She was extremely blessed physically. I didn't do anything and asked her to leave.I saw her once more after that episode to discuss the possibility of a reconcilliate. She was having none of it. So her I am.My question is this, why am I feeling so attached to this woman. A woman who attacked me, ridiculed me, used me and has left me feeling bereft. Why do I keep thinking of her body, I am an intelligent man for goodness sake! I still dream about her and still feel as if I love her very much. The BIG thing for me is that after a month now I am TERRIFIED that I won't meet another woman thta ticks all my boxes....I honestly feel like she was the one.Please help?
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 People often want what they cannot have. When they have it, they will destroy it.
Ultimately, hyper passionate relationships often turn into an emotional rollercoaster. They leave you pondering another ride forever, even when you know it's bad for you. You did well to get off that ride when you did. It will take time, but you'll come to grips with this and think of her less. You'll probably never forget the sex (because the crazy ones are always wild in the sack) but you'll definitely realize this decision was for the best, and that will help. Little by little.
A
male
reader, myotai +, writes (6 January 2011):
myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so humbled by your replies...I am touched by the fact that you have taken time to help. Thank You So Much!
You're all right. It was/is lust. She was left by her sons father when the child was only 5 mopnths old...he just walked out before her eyes. So I can see where her paranoia stems from, but I tried. I really ttried to help her feel secure. It seems whatever I did she was hell bent on sabotaging things...she KNEW she had a good man who was prepared to take her bagage and her son on. I have my own home and am a professional. clearly she might be stuck into a pattern that she may never get out of...that makes me sad.
Or she is a pathological bitch that does this to men. Though I was her first partner for 2 years and she never does the one nighter thing (I know this as a fact from her family and friends). I think she really may have thought I was the one...but then when she was confronted with the very thing she said she wanted - security, warmth, and being safe - she turned on me. Why?
I can see with hindsight that some of the stuff she did was aimed at burning into my memory. A lot of this was to do with sex...and it has indeed left some memories that would be hard to replace or emulate with another girl. But she must have done this full in the knowledge that she it would end. Certainly NOT the impression she gave me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Because you KEEP thinking of the good times. When you catch yourself thinking of the good times STOP and replace it with the feelings of pain and humiliation she caused you!
The more you think of the good times the less likely you are to get over her. You really just need to catch those thoughts and stop thinking about them.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Wow. I can relate.
I was in a relationship of sorts with a very narcissistic (maybe even sociopathic) girl this past year. Gave her a lot of money, a lot of favors, etc. Never got anything back. And she was a player. But the point is, I still have an attachment to her. But I know it is lustful and unhealthy. And not real.
I think it is natural for you to have an attachment. You are raw, still hurt, perhaps feeling a void. And everything looks better in hindsight.
I would suggest not to doubt your decision. You might be tempted to go back to her, but it took a lot of courage to leave like you did especially with her beckoning.
If you need support, let me know. To some small extent, I have been there myself.
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A
female
reader, LostInMyself +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I think it shows that you are smart, when you asked her to leave. I am assuming she is within your age range and at that age playing games is not really mature at all. It s emotional abuse, and she may do this to have you eating out of her hand and always keep going to her for more.
It works because you still feel about her, but if you aread your own question you will see she really does not seem like she ticks yours boxes as you said. If she was the one would you like to spend the rest of your life like this? Being treated like that? Don't you think you deserve something better?
I think you may not even love her, because you are aware of her abuse. To me it seems more of a combination of you fearing not finding someone else (you are still young and there are millions of other woman), and obviously lust.
Love? well I dont think so, you think it's love NOW but you will realize it is not. She being the one? Well , I do not think anyone would want to waste their time in that drama.
It is going to take time to get over her, but jsut cut her off clean, this way she will get the message you will not stand her abuse. Get out there, be patient I'm sure you will meet someone soon, who isn't psycho (sorry) and RESPECTS and VALUES you and of course tickles your boxes! ;) Good luck :)!
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A
male
reader, myotai +, writes (6 January 2011):
myotai is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never let her back as I know how thorouhly uinhealthy it would be. Far too fraught with the prospect of more pain. So why despite her abuse do I still think of her??? I even think of her son (spoilt brat of the year) and this still doesn't stop the craving. I know it was probably attachment and not love and definitely a rebound. But why oh why can I not think of anything but the good times?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): strange how the strongest passions can make fools of us all (both of you maybe). I totally understand the sex- I think you do meet someone in your life who sets you on fire and it totally takes your breath away. Its a hard thing to know you might never feel those sort of emotions again.
It sounds to me as though she resents something she found out about you after the inital crush....you mentioned jealousy? Its a very powerful emotion. Could it be she resents something in your past and is trying to punish you for it? She feels she can't compare to your ex? (because you married her- or give her a child etc.) combined with the booze- she might be trying to put aside an issue instead of dealing with it. Either way- she sounds like she has a problem and doesn't feel ready to talk to you about it (and maybe never will if she is willing to lose you over it).
I say all this becasue she sounds so much like me- I have given my guy hell over his past (one I thought I could deal with when we first got together but it has eaten me up inside, although I have found it very very difficult to talk about)- I am trying to put things right now, i know how much I've hurt him but she has to come to the conclusion she has to change on her own.
I hope she sees sense and turns her life around or she's going to end up a very lonely person. Just sorry for your sake she didn't realise that in time. Hope things work out for you, take care. V x
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (6 January 2011):
 This woman came into your life after four years of a very long dry spell and blew your mind. Perhaps what was lust was mistaken for love.
You recognize her abusive tendencies and low tolerance to alcohol and you asked her to leave, without giving into her attempted seduction of you (which is probably how she gets her why) so good for you. I think you did the right thing in not continuing a relationship with her.
She sounds like a user. She used you. She came in, blew your mind, emotionally raped you and then you left her. When people treat us badly it leaves us wondering what is wrong with us that they would treat us that way. Or can we fix this person and their behavior? Did I try hard enough? What if he/she was the one and I just let them walk away?
I believe that everything happens for a reason and maybe you don't know the reason behind your meeting this woman, but you will someday.
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This woman made you feel alive again, she did hit all the right buttons ...she was brought to you for a reason, just not the one you think it is.
Thank goodness you did not marry her in that short period of time and were cautious enough not to be THAT spontanious. You soon found, things were not so great in the day to day things and there is a whole lot more to a relationship than her body and the great sex you had.
Let her go, and realize that this person was presented to you to remind you that there is life outside the door and you are capable of finding it again.......and you will :-)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 January 2011):
 You hadn't had sex in four years, and then this woman came along and blew your mind sexually. I bet she had your eyes lighting up like a slot machine. I don't blame you for being excited and spontaneous after that long dry spell - although asking her to marry you was a bit much.
However, you did do the right thing when you recognized her abusive tendencies and asked her to leave. Twice. Plenty of guys would have been right back in the same old mess but you stuck to your guts. Good.
It's gonna take time for all of that to wear off. Be patient with yourself. Keep going out there and meeting people and another woman will come along - and she won't treat you as badly as this woman did.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Read you question and you will see that she doesn't 'tick all your boxes"
*Why do I keep thinking of her body" erm.... you're a man.
You may be terrified as you put it that you won't meet someone else does that mean you would settle for someone like this?
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