A
female
age
36-40,
*abygirl1st
writes:In need of some advice. Me and my child's father are trying to work things out. We've been off and on for almost 9 yrs (majority of it was my fault) and we have a 2 yr old. He say's that he's forgiven me and is willing to let the past be the past, but I just don't know. We've taken each other through ALOT of mess. Sometimes when we have disagreements he brings up things from the past and we both can get pretty heated about it. I think that's a sign that we haven't truely let go of everything b1c it still upsets us so. We say we have, but I don't know. I've been through a lot even b4 I met him. Overcoming rape when I was a preteen and dealing with abusive spouse (not him). I love him and care for him deeply and he's always been there for me. We say we want to have a future together and one day marriage but I wonder if we'll ever be ready or stable enough for that commitment. He's always tried to work w/ me and help me over come any problems/issues or fears that I may have, but he say's I;m still holding back. After all these yrs and all this time why am I still not totally letting go w/ him? I really do wanna be with him! He's always been a great guy to me. Even when I feel like he did wrong, it really wasn't that bad (especially if compared to things that I did). We're trying to start the year off fresh and being open and honest about the things we feel will help us work on getting back together and being stronger. I'm trying to work on my insecurities, control issues, communication, and being totally open w/ him and just letting go. That's very hard lol. I've had some health issues such as a hernia and some injuries from a car accident just to name a couple, but it's forcing me to strive to be healthier and get back to my size when I was a teen. So I'm 5"11 @ 165 and I feel and look great right! Still dropping and toning up. Now he's talking to me about introducing porn into our sex life. I hate the idea! I guess that goes back to my own insecurities. He knew I had these issues along time ago though. I'm working on it, but they still exist. I mean I know I'm sexy. I get compliments and men tryna holla all the time lol. I've done some very nice and sexy photo shoots and we both loved um! So why porn? why does he want/need it? He say's that we can watch and learn some new tricks, positions whatever. I don't like it and never have but he say's I need to be open minded. I know that it can become addictive (he knows I have a brother obsessed w/it) and some even say it's a sin, cheating, etc. I'm very uncomfortable w/ it and he doesn't seem to get it. I ask about books like Kamasutra. I've never read any books like that just heard of them. People say you can use them for learning stuff. But he wants to watch porn.Even though I say this could be a issue he just say's I need to be open minded and be willing to let go and try things. I get that, but why do I have to watch porn even if it makes me uncomfortable?I just want to know that it's me turning you on and that you're thinking about when we have sex and not the chick on the screen moaning in the background! Am I being to sensitive? He say's that he doesn't watch it (so this has never been an issue w/ us before) but mostly all men do. Some jack off to it and some just get that sensation that puts them in the mood. He say's that's all it does for him. Show him some stuff and maybe get him in the mood. But why do you have to look at a another woman getting banged to get in the mood? What's wrong with me? I feel like if your with someone, there's never a reasonfor you to be checking out anybody of the opposite sex naked yet alone watching them get banged! I want him to be happy, but me to! I don't wanna do something that I feel strongly against and have myself feeling like crap just so he can feel good. Please help! Any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance :)
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female
reader, babygirl1st +, writes (15 January 2011):
babygirl1st is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst let me thank all of you for your comments & advice. They are truly appreciated.
We've been talkin this subject in circles for about a week now if not longer. I don't know if we'll work this issue out right now, but I guess I still have sometime lol. He say's he's not tryna do it now it's just a thought for the future, so I don't know.
But I've had very limited counseling about rape, rape attempts :( or being w/ an abusive spouse. I keep saying I need to start back but now it's even harder to find the time & funds right now. I'm a stay @ home mom trying to get me & my lil girl back into school as we speak. I'm thankful for the little side jobs I can do for extra money but nothing major. He just recently relocated bout 2hrs away for a better job opportunity.
Our finances, stability, & most definitely lack of counseling is a major reason why we haven't gone any further in our relationship (as far as marriage). But I think that as long as we try to remain open minded, sensitive towards one another's feelings & needs/desires, & keep the lines of communication open we'll be alright. At least for now anyway lol.
But I've discussed counseling w/ him a few times & made it very clear how important I think it is for our relationship. So we've both agreed that before we go any further (as far as major commitments) we need couple's counseling as well as individual. I hope he doesn't change his mind lol.
As far as the porn goes, I did read some of the other blogs & suggestions & told him about it. But he say's that "porn is porn. if you can look at 1 you can look at them all." Even though their are all kinds of diff movies & learning tools. So I just don't know. What do you do with a attitude like that?
I always tell him that I'd rather him be brutally honest to me about whatever's going on than to try & sneak & hide. A lie will always hurt more than the truth in my eyes. It's tough to get beyond betrayal & that's a headache we can't afford lol. I guess the old sayings true "what you don't know can't hurt you", I guess.
I know it takes more than love to make a relationship work. I just hope that ours is truly strong enough to endure any & all things that come against us. We've made it this far. Please keep us in your prayers, wish us luck, or whatever it is that you do lol. Thanks again
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): I think you should both sit down and have a honest one to one chat, I'm fifty and in a happy relation ship with my dream woman and I think you need to be honest together and you could active this too.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 January 2011):
 First things first. You have the right to not like whatever you want. You never need to accept anything you don't want in your life. It's up to you to decide how important something is to you.
That said (and I really do mean it), relationships are about compromise. It sounds like you've started taking some steps in that direction with the suggestion of books, but it may have to go a step further. Why not go to a store together or possibly do some online shopping for some educational DVD's. It's a step between full blown porn and actual instructional material. Basically instruction with a demonstration. Just my suggestion.
I'm not going to get into all the possible reasons he may want to introduce porn into the bedroom, but one that pops to the top of my mind is that after almost a decade together things can get boring. It's nice to change things up, add some spice. It is a very good thing that he's talking to you about this.
Haven't you ever been turned on by someone or something and taken that back to your lover? Maybe it was a romantic scene in a book, or a movie. Maybe it was some Adonis of a man at the gym. When you were with your lover, were you thinking about that stimulus? Probably not. That's how it is for most guys with porn. It's the act we're watching, not the people as much. Ask most guys details about a girl in a scene they just watched and they probably only get her hair color right half the time, let alone any other details. We get turned on by the interaction more than the individuals involved.
Here's a good thread for you to read. It may help you understand a bit more about guys and porn.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/admit-it-guys-youre-fantasizing-about-the-girls.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): "he say's I;m still holding back. After all these yrs and all this time why am I still not totally letting go w/ him?"
The porn isn't a good idea if it makes you feel insecure. My wife felt the same way, I'd never suggested it, but porn made her feel insecure. However, she was actually watching it in secret...yeah...I didn't know. She found it arousing, but found the idea of me watching it the opposite.
Why do I tell you that? You sound like my wife at your age.
You were "rape when I was a preteen and dealing with abusive spouse" and this can take many years to get over. You and your boyfriend need a counselor's help. You really do. It took her 25 years to get over the rape, and a subsequent abusive spouse, because of all that was held in.
Get professional counseling help, with a couples counselor, while you are young. It will go a long way toward making life better.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 We all make mistakes, all of us, no one is immune to that. If y ou have agreed to move on from the past then that should be the end of it and no one should drag it up again at every opportunity, so when this happens, remind him that it is in the past and y ou don't want to discuss it anymore.
As for the porn, he is probably trying to make you chill a bit and bring adventure in to your love life, a lot of couples dabble in this now and again. But, you have had a history of abuse and the porn and all that it portrays will bring triggers to you and you will not be able to cope with that. The thing I'm trying to say to you is , don't let him make you do anything you don't want to do. If you are thinking of meeting him half way, tell him you will try first with soft porn and see how you go, if not just tell him no, means NO. He will have to deal with that then.
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