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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I'm ashamed of what people would think if they knew I've never had a relationship. How can I interact more successfully with guys?
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By the way, I'm not saying hook up with just anyone, but acceptin... (read in full...)
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A. 19 January 2011: Just do it. For the surprise kiss, mid sentence works pretty well.
"Hey did you have the notes from that" (KISS) Perferably in private.
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I'm ashamed of what people would think if they knew I've never had a relationship. How can I interact more successfully with guys?
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If he really loved me would a 20 minute drive matter?
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Can I be sorry enough to fix things?
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A. 19 January 2011: The best thing you can do is learn from this and not do it again when you're in a relationship. It's over, so you need to move on. Sorry to say it, but if she doesn't want you back, there's nothing you can do. Really, you shouldn't get back with ... (read in full...)
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A. 19 January 2011: I hear you thought that I wasn't being helpful by pointing out the truth about your situation. But, you want more help, so I guess I'll offer a further observation.
Relationships aren't about torturing each other. When you said "Two wrongs d... (read in full...)
I'm shy but want to tease my boyfriend!
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A. 19 January 2011: You could always do a strip tease, or a lap dance. It all depends on how dirty you wanna get. ;-)... (read in full...)
Question on etiquette and American culture
Q. Hello all, This is a question regarding etiquette and American culture. I am a student studying in the US but I am not an American (I am from South Korea). My student life in US has been, for most part, a very alienating experience with absol...
A. 19 January 2011: Gift cards are normal for gift giving occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.), but this is not a gift giving occasion. That's why a dish or drink to share is more appropriate. Good luck, I hope this friendship blossoms.
Don't worry about the midd... (read in full...)
Is he having second thoughts after breaking up with me?
Q. Hi guys! Would really appreciate your advice please... My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago after a period of just not getting on together. Otherwise we got on well. I feel the main source of our arguments were his mood swings and ...
A. 19 January 2011: Ultimately it doesn't matter what caused it. His mood swings are part of who he is. It may be bipolar, it may not. It's impossible to tell unless he goes to see a professional.
You need to decide what you want. It can be very difficul... (read in full...)
I cheated on my partner, and now I caught him cheating on me!
Q. For the first few years with my man i know i was a bitch. Its been over a year since i stopped seeing a married man who payed me compliments,more than my man could. Over the last year, more of what I did and who with ,my man has been finding ...
A. 19 January 2011: It's his fault YOU cheated? What a self serving reality you live in.
You sewed the seeds of everything you're dealing with. If you hadn't have had an affair with a married man, their marriage wouldn't have ended because of you. She wouldn't... (read in full...)
Should I talk to my boyfriend about his taking advantage of me?
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A. 19 January 2011: Of course you should talk about it, that's the only way you can come to a solution.
You should tell him what you're feeling. Do your best to focus on you, and not him when talking about this. He may not agree, but he can't argue with what YOU... (read in full...)
My boyfriend never buys me anything or tells me those 3 words!
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A. 19 January 2011: Many men have trouble expressing their feelings through words. They will instead do it through their actions. Those actions don't need to be gifts. Does he do nice things for you? Does he always try to help you out with problems you have? Those ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend hides texts from her "friend"!
Q. I've been with my partner for a little over a year now and we live together. She is 7 years older than I am, but all in all I would say we have a great relationship; I really love her and she tells me that she loves me all the time. However recently ...
A. 19 January 2011: Suspicious behavior like that is hard to ignore. It's pretty obvious that something is up. If this really was just a friend there likely wouldn't be anything to hide.
Tell her you're feeling insecure because she is acting like she is hiding s... (read in full...)
Should I tell his girlfriend he cheated with me, now that I'm pregnant?
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A. 19 January 2011: I agree with tennisstar88, it's not your place to tell her, and telling her will only cause more problems in an already overly complicated situation.
Keep the focus on yourself. The truth will come out soon enough.... (read in full...)
Lying about porn?
Q. I recently found some hardcore porn on my boyfriends wireless device, which is attached to his computer via the TV. Now - can I just point out that I am no prude and I have no objection to porn, and myself and my boyfriend do not live together...
A. 19 January 2011: Why did he lie?
That's the million dollar question to most women on this subject. For many men it's because we've been hiding it our whole lives. We're told it's dirty and masturbation is wrong. No matter how much you tell us otherwis... (read in full...)
Might be over thinking this, but do I have a right to be angry?
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A. 19 January 2011: You're right to feel upset. You should tell her that you feel like you're second fiddle to everything else in her life. That you want her to do well in school, and have friends, but you also want her to consider making you her first priority once ... (read in full...)
Can I stand up to these girls bullying my friend?
Q. one of my friends is a girl and really pretty, nice smart etc and most of the boys have crushes on her but becasue she so shy and wont stand up to the girls they treat her like rubbish and make her think shes not pretty and that shes stupid and ...
A. 19 January 2011: Just be supportive of her. Be there for her if she needs it. It sounds like you have a little thing for her, is that something you'd pursue? Maybe you should.
Bullies need to be stood up to, but it has to be the person being bullied to do the s... (read in full...)
My ex bought me a gift, and I don't want it!
Q. My ex boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago due to him relocating to another place. In this time, he got back together with his ex gf.. and they even went on some kind of vacation together.. I had a hard time getting over this relationship.. and now ...
A. 19 January 2011: Say, "Thanks, but no thanks."
It means he bought you a gift. Nothing more. He probably doesn't know what to do with it, and since it was meant for you, he's giving it to you (or at least trying to). If you don't want it, then tell him. ... (read in full...)
I want to get married but my boyfriend is illegal!
Q. im am 16 i will be turning 17 in a month , my boyfriend is 17 he will also be turning 18 in a month. well we want to get married and he doesnt have his papers so he is ilegal. what do i need to do. i am also a foster child and i dont have a clue how ...
A. 19 January 2011: Wait until you're 18. If you plan on spending your lives together, you can wait a year to make that official. Why not start with an engagement?
As far as his legal status in this country. He needs to apply for citizenship. I don't know whe... (read in full...)
My fiance walked out on me over a disagreement?
Q. my fiance just walked out on me because I don't agree with him only paying 300 month in work trade after we are married. I own my house (1000 plus utility's) and he would have no right's to my estate. He also said I would have to pay him money if he ...
A. 19 January 2011: Yeah, but a normal husband would get something out of contributing. He wouldn't. He would contribute to your mortgage which you are making him sign off on not getting a piece of.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like a good situation. I can unde... (read in full...)
Question on etiquette and American culture
Q. Hello all, This is a question regarding etiquette and American culture. I am a student studying in the US but I am not an American (I am from South Korea). My student life in US has been, for most part, a very alienating experience with absol...
A. 19 January 2011: Everyone has given great advice so far. I agree that a bottle of wine would be a great addition to the dinner or possibly some dessert item from your culture if you can manage to make or buy one. That way you have something to contribute as well as ... (read in full...)
They like me, I like both of them but they aren't willing to commit!
Q. I'm in such a fix! Hope to get some objective advice here :) I think I like two boys!! This has never happened to me before! Is it normal? Boy A is my ex, we went out for nearly 2 years before we broke up. We spent the first year and a half toget...
A. 19 January 2011: I vote for guy B. Guy A had his chance and it didn't work out. You're connecting with guy B right now, so he would be the better choice. His mom will get over it too. ... (read in full...)
Is he having second thoughts after breaking up with me?
Q. Hi guys! Would really appreciate your advice please... My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me a week ago after a period of just not getting on together. Otherwise we got on well. I feel the main source of our arguments were his mood swings and ...
A. 19 January 2011: He's probably regretting it. Maybe he'll regret it enough to actually seek help instead of just talking about it. I think you should stand your ground though. His behavior will kill him if he doesn't get a handle on it, especially the alcohol ... (read in full...)
Where is the middle ground between being a nerd and a player?
Q. Back in high school i was a big nerd, constantly overlooked by females that i was interested in, or just completely not seen at all. Its been 6 years since i graduated high school and, still a nerd on the inside but with a lot more confidence, and a ...
A. 19 January 2011: They don't know what they want, and they always want something they can't have. They want the bad boy player because of his charisma, they want the sensitive guy who's in touch with his feelings and will be romantic, they want the nerdy guy who ... (read in full...)
How do I deal with my girlfriend's irrational behavior?
Q. Yesterday my girlfriend and I had another fight and she provoqued me by saying she had no money to buy the plane ticket so I should be the one doing it. I did it. When she saw I could do it she started to play victim saying that she didn't want to ...
A. 19 January 2011: All that stuff you're feeling is what she used to control you and get you to do things for her despite the fact that they were bad for you (like buying her a plane ticket you cannot afford). She manipulated those feelings. You're better off ... (read in full...)
Our sex life isn't what it should be!
Q. im 25 and my bf is 39 so far we have a good relantionship but im concern about our sex life hes sex drive isnt where i would like it to be i wanted to know do men at that age not geet in the mood to have sex as much...and how can i get hem to want ...
A. 19 January 2011: I believe the word you were looking for in that last paragraph is "HIM."
Good luck in your conversation. Do it right and he won't feel insecure.... (read in full...)
How do I deal with my girlfriend's irrational behavior?
Q. Yesterday my girlfriend and I had another fight and she provoqued me by saying she had no money to buy the plane ticket so I should be the one doing it. I did it. When she saw I could do it she started to play victim saying that she didn't want to ...
A. 19 January 2011: You've got to quit being a victim and help yourself. You can do it if you try.... (read in full...)
Our sex life isn't what it should be!
Q. im 25 and my bf is 39 so far we have a good relantionship but im concern about our sex life hes sex drive isnt where i would like it to be i wanted to know do men at that age not geet in the mood to have sex as much...and how can i get hem to want ...
A. 19 January 2011: A text? Really? Is that really the way you think is best to handle this?
I'm with Cerberus. A text message or phone call is not the way to have this conversation. Face to face is the only way.... (read in full...)
He ended the relationship because he doesn't want to waste my time!
Q. I have been with my partner for almost two year, really happy, believe he is the one for me. But unfortunately he doesn't know if he wants to get married or have children, and doesn't want to wast my time as he knows that is what I want. He ended ...
A. 19 January 2011: By caving to him, you're telling him your feelings aren't as important as his. You are important and should be allowed to feel whatever comes. Don't ever let someone make you feel guilty because their actions have a negative consequence. He was a ... (read in full...)
What is wrong with him, if he wants me back, why does he keep doing this stuff in my house?
Q. Maybe I'm crazy, but I always thought there was an unwritten rule that its wrong to get with one of your ex's friends. My boyfriend and I have been broken up officially for almost a year, but after six months we got back together and were seeing ...
A. 18 January 2011: Well OP, it means he's an idiot. Him thinking you wouldn't find out is about the lamest excuse ever. If he was trying to get you back, he failed. At least he should have. Move on to someone who isn't a dumbass.... (read in full...)
He ended the relationship because he doesn't want to waste my time!
Q. I have been with my partner for almost two year, really happy, believe he is the one for me. But unfortunately he doesn't know if he wants to get married or have children, and doesn't want to wast my time as he knows that is what I want. He ended ...
A. 18 January 2011: This was his way of telling you he doesn't want those things with YOU, so you should move on.
Being friends with an ex doesn't work, especially when you still have feelings for him. You need to cut him out of your life so you can move on. It'... (read in full...)
My fiance walked out on me over a disagreement?
Q. my fiance just walked out on me because I don't agree with him only paying 300 month in work trade after we are married. I own my house (1000 plus utility's) and he would have no right's to my estate. He also said I would have to pay him money if he ...
A. 18 January 2011: What? He's saying you should pay him to live with you? No, that's not how marriage works. Are you doing a prenup? Most states are marital property, so the minute you get married, half the house is his anyway. You might want to look into that.
... (read in full...)
I'm shy but want to tease my boyfriend!
Q. Hey guys, Not asking for like real explicit stuff, don't wanna get banned haha, just a few ideas would be great. Basically, sometimes my boyfriend will finger me but first he will 'tease' me. All it is really is him well rubbing me over my clot...
A. 18 January 2011: What he does to you will work on him too.
Other good teases are sitting on his lap and being kind of wiggly while kissing (if you catch my drift). Or kissing his neck, or rubbing his leg and working your hand up his thigh...
There's lots ... (read in full...)
What is wrong with him, if he wants me back, why does he keep doing this stuff in my house?
Q. Maybe I'm crazy, but I always thought there was an unwritten rule that its wrong to get with one of your ex's friends. My boyfriend and I have been broken up officially for almost a year, but after six months we got back together and were seeing ...
A. 18 January 2011: Yeah, he definitely doesn't want you back.
Also, hooking up with your friends isn't off limits for him. Why would he care? It's him who should be off limits to your friends. They should be the ones who don't want to hook up with him out of r... (read in full...)
How do I deal with my girlfriend's irrational behavior?
Q. Yesterday my girlfriend and I had another fight and she provoqued me by saying she had no money to buy the plane ticket so I should be the one doing it. I did it. When she saw I could do it she started to play victim saying that she didn't want to ...
A. 18 January 2011: Cut this woman completely out of your life. You're not happy, that is clear as day. Why torture yourself with someone who does nothing but torture you?
If you can get a refund for the ticket, I would. This bitch doesn't deserve it. I wouldn't... (read in full...)
Our sex life isn't what it should be!
Q. im 25 and my bf is 39 so far we have a good relantionship but im concern about our sex life hes sex drive isnt where i would like it to be i wanted to know do men at that age not geet in the mood to have sex as much...and how can i get hem to want ...
A. 18 January 2011: What has he said when you talked to him about this?
Typically, men's sex drives slowly decrease from about the age of 23 on. We reach our peak somewhere between 18-23 and it's all down hill after that (generalities).
Some people just don'... (read in full...)
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