A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for aprox 10 months and I'm having trouble getting over my girlfriends past. When we first started dating one time after sex we were lying in bed and she started in on the "what's the craziest sexual thing you have done" bit. I was unnerved that she even brought it up and didn't have an answer for her. I responded with "I don't know" what's the craziest thing you have done in bed (big mistake). She brought up this threesome she had two to three years before me with two guys. To which I was completely caught of guard and disgusted by. I told her I didn't wish to talk about it anymore. I was really bothered by this but started to let it go. Then a few months later we were sitting having breakfast and she brought up this guy she wanted me to meet. He is married and she wanted me to meet his kid. She told me it was "just a friend" but something struck me as off. Issued if it was one of the guys she had a threesome with to which she immediately responded no. I could tell she was lying and eventually she broke down and admitted yes. I was furious and stormed out. I came back and we made up. I questioned her on why she still talks to him. She told me he is a friend and that she went to his wedding. I asked if the wife knew about them to which she responded no. I then asked he what she thinks about this guy hitting her up on the side and not letting his wife know about the past. She responded it was innocent. Time went by and she showed me where she keeps her journals from her whole life. One morning when I got up I was thinking about the whole situation and how I felt threatened by it. I decided to read her journals to see if I could get any insights into why she wanted me to meet this guy. The first journal I open up the first thing I read is about her meeting this guy and having a one night stand with him, with details. This bothers me even more and I grab another journal and there was another one night stand. I start flipping through them and there is a lot of sexual related items with guys she knows or just met. I tell her I went through the journals and how I'm really upset about her past. She told me that I shouldn't be looking in them. I asked why she held on to such things and she said she would ship them to her parents. But she would need to hold on to three that were important to her. She shipped the rest to her parents. I don't know what to do. Once again we made up and i am still in the process of getting over it. She has boxes full of photos that we were going through together. I grabbed a box to which she told me not to go through it. I found out it has pictures of her and her old boyfriends on vacations an such. I don't know what to do? We fight about her past fairly often. I love her but every time I try to get over it something else pops up. I feel like she has lead me down this path to where I have problems about her past. Am I just being ridiculous and childish with my issues. Granted I caused some of them by looking in the journals but the threesome thing is the part that really bothers me. Any advice would help. How do I get over this.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 January 2011):
 I don't think we'll ever understand women, but from what I do understand is that they don't understand us most of the time either. From that respect, we're even.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 January 2011):
 Ok, some of the posts were a bit too long for me to read at the moment, but I wanted to comment on something from your follow up.
Well first, thank you for the follow up.
One thing I've started to understand about some women is that they are better at men at turning feelings off. For example, when you're a friend, that's all you are. Now, that's not always the case, but in many that is true. I think that part of the reason she's still in touch with that guy is that he was more of a friend than anything else to her. The sex was just something that happened, but won't happen again.
I'm glad you're figuring out what bothers you about this. That's a good start. Her keeping the pictures around is about her and her memories. Unless she's hanging them up on the wall or something, she's not rubbing them in your face. It sounded like, from your original post, they are in a box in the closet or something.
Perhaps it's because I'm not the jealous type, but my last GF had a picture of her and her other long term BF up on her wall for well over half our relationship. It never bothered me because she was with me, and I had no questions about that. Her roommate was actually the one who told her she should take it down. I wouldn't have ever cared, even though I saw it every time I stayed over.
Anyway, if her promiscuity in the past is the problem for you, then you need her to reassure you about why she is different now, and how your relationship is different to her. You need to talk it out. Tell her what bothers you, and that it upsets you that it even bothers you, but you can't help it. Don't attack her for her past because there is nothing she can do about it now, but get the reassurance you need that this is indeed different.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Ha! I call bullshit on all the people who say this is your issue, or that you have some underlying problem.
I was dating my wife (now married 20 years w 5 kids) for about 6 months when she dropped this bomb on me too. We were both helplessly in love with each other, and she said she wanted us to know everything about each other. Yes, I have a past. Yes I expected her to have a past. But I was tiotally blindsided by the avalanche of one night stands etc she told me about. Then, I too read her journals. That was even worse, hearing her bragging about having sex with two guys in one night, with someone else w in an hour of meeting them, with many many other guys at the drop of a hat. From a guys perspective, I could tell from the stories that most of these guys didn't give a rats ass about her - she was just a drunk available hole to put their dicks in. Over the years I had to meet many of these guys, some are still friends ofnthe family. And these are not boyfriends, but guys who fucked her at a party at 4 am, or who slipped into her bed after a night of partying and she said, "what the he'll, go ahead."
I found all these things repulsive. I never treated women like this, yet she was more than willing to be treated like this again and again - and even bragged about it to me, and sometimes to others in my presence. Guess what? I still find this repulsive...after 20 years.
Anyway, you came here for advice. In my case, I loved her so much, and we had so much fun together, that love just overpowered by utter revulsion at the things she had done.. Today we are very very happy. Would I want my kids to know how their mom behaved? Absolutely not. Do I want her to lie about her past, or at least keep it to herself? Absolutely.
Look, if you asked all men honestly after 20 years if there are things they do not like about their spouses, if they are honest, 100% of them will say yes. Mine was a slut. I do not like that
But she has also stayed loyal to me. Helped me to have a fun and exciting life. Gave m,e 5 beautiful kids.
So, just listen to your heart. Eventually you will know if your love for hernis strong enough to get past this. I would also tell her that you really really don't like all this. If she can respect that, great. If she gets mad and keepsmtalking about it all, bettermto get out now. There is nothing more embarrassing and pathetic than 40 something wives bragging about where, how, and whom they used to get fucked by when they were younger...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I guess my biggest issue with her past is that I know about it. I never wanted to know these things. I opened up pandoras box with the journals, but I read them to try to get an understanding of who this guy that she had a threesome with was/is to her and why she tried to get me to meet him after I told her I was bothered by that information. And with finding out the other stuff in her journals was not what I wanted. I don't have a problem with her having past relationships and I'm perfectly comfortable knowing she had sex with ex-boyfriends. It is more along the lines of how promiscuous she was. The reason it bothers me so much is I because I do love her. If I didn't care for her I would use her like all those other guys and be done with it. So when I think about her it involves marriage and kids. And I feel like these things could haunt our future. My concern about the journals and photographs were/are why are you keeping things like this around if you know told you the promiscuous thing bothers me. Part of me feels like she is throwing it in my face. Do I have a past, yes. I learned long ago not to bring it up or talk about it with someone you are trying to build a future with. I told her one thing about a short relationship I had with someone I work with on our first date and she isn't comfortable with it yet willing to tell me about the three some? I don't understand women sometimes.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 January 2011):
One other note, leaving will only solve the problem with her, but these issues will carry to any relationship you have if you don't address them. I wish you luck finding the root of your issues.
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reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I'm going to agree with others in that you need to come clean with your sexual past in order for folks to give you better advice, but I will give you a few critical pointers. IMO of course. Even though you haven't provided your past it would appear that your history does not include a threesome or one night stands at least not to her extent. As a result, my response can apply to most people encountering your type of issue or what many would call ‘retroactive jealousy’. Part of me thinks this fancy name/term is horsesh!t, because at the end of the day you’re trying to rationalize how you got so messed up that you are in a relationship with someone who you do not respect and that you frankly see as being beneath you (probably in morality and/or some sort of value system you have). That you may or may not be jealous of other guys and what she has done with other guys is only part of the issue, it’s that she was with so many that is the issue and why you accepted it to begin with. Of course the problem is that we don’t all walk around with this information clearly labeled on us (but a good perspective to consider) and as a result you often fall for someone before past details start coming out. No matter how you slice it, you begin to see yourself as incompatible with her at minimum even though you remain attracted or ‘in love’.
Regardless, if people think you're a hypocrite or not, at the end of the day you have to live with her, not them. Your brain needs to accept what you know, not theirs. So any way you slice it, her past is absolutely your business and it perturbs you greatly. There are probably any number of things going on which I will go into below. While I put this in your perspective, this can also apply to a woman feeling the same about a guy/boyfriend and/or same sex partners, etc. But more specifically, since you failed to provide your history, I am speaking about relationships where one person was clearly living by a moral code and/or value system much different than their partner’s.
1. As you said what you found out about her disgusted you. While you shouldn't have gone through her stuff, you have every right to know what your partner is about...period. Don't let anyone fool you otherwise as they probably have just as checkered a past and are the ones who will lie about it because for one reason or another they are ashamed of it, believe others will thing differently about them (and probably rightly so) and so on and so on. A lot of these people are the kind who live by and/or adopt the carte-blanche perspective…that their past is the past and that it no longer matters and/or that they have changed and/or that they are with you now and that is all that should matter. Even worse, they make themselves believe that it may be none of your business. It’s all horse-sh!t. It’s people trying to rationalize away their sex lives and other details of their past and getting others to accept them for something they are not...AND YOU WONDER WHY more marriages fall apart then stay together? Let’s face it, a good number of them are based on lies right from the get go and/or shady truths. Even worse still, they say they are who they are now because of all their experiences and that they may have not met you otherwise. This is where you analyze the situation and make an informed decision to bail and seek out someone more worthy for you, someone more compatible.
Many people have experiences and don’t learn from them. Many people have had a lot of sexual partners. Does that make them better at love-making or sex versus the person who has had sex many more times but with the same person and/or much much less number of people? Are there people who will constantly practice something but will continue to suck at it or improve marginally no matter how hard they try. Don’t fall for all the baloney people will have you believe. You don’t need to smoke to know it’s bad for you. You don’t need to be 200 pounds overweight to know that’s not healthy for you. You don’t need to have 25 penises in you before you know the 26th one is all of a sudden the right one for you.
If someone has a criminal past wouldn’t you want to know? If someone was a child molester, wouldn’t you want to know? If the past didn’t matter then why can’t Palestine and Israel let bygones be bygones? If a potential girlfriend or boyfriend cheated on a previous partner, wouldn’t you want to know? Oh, I guess the past doesn’t matter! Or at least it doesn’t matter when it comes to personal relationship. This is what liars, cheaters, and let’s face it, scumbags of one sort or another will have you believe. If someone had to go through a slew of other people to get to you and make a ton of bad choices in the process, then chances are they are very stupid and that in itself will weigh on your mind if you remain with someone you find this out about. Let’s just pretend she had to have sex with 25 guys before you and was a druggie or an alcoholic for a few years to boot. Could you imagine the sh!t you would have to accept about such a woman if you came to find this out about her and were still with her? Hence, one of my points that you find out about and ask many many questions about a potential long term partner as soon as possible. Hey, no one is perfect, and no one is going to offer every bad thing they ever did, that’s why you need to ask about her until you are comfortable that you know enough about her to either want to stay or leave.
Oh, but your partner may have cheated but not with you. But you have a right to know and to gauge/decide for yourself if you’re willing to accept that about them and whether or not they have changed. Not that they fabricate and create a false sense of themselves. The millions of people cheated upon and the millions who don’t know they have been cheated on are testimony to this.
Perhaps you practiced various values and hold intimacy in high regard? If that's the case then she is not for you. How long before you two had sex? If you're history is just as or slightly less checkered than hers then suck it up because you're perfect for each other. If you can't get over it now then leave/let her go because you will NEVER get over it EVER. You read me?...NEVER. You will try to rationalize it away, why she was like that, why she let all these penises in her vagina, probably in her mouth, maybe in other parts, maybe two or more penises at once and so on and so on and so on. It will never end and you will likely NEVER be satisfied with the answer.
At the end of the day, as is clear from even perusing many of the questions and responses on this site is that many relationships are based on lies and probably a fundamental reason why so many relationships fail in addition to the sheer lack of relationship skills. And the irony is how many schools to this day do not teach about relationship skills. But anyway, that’s another topic. People who lie, consciously or unconsciously, a part of them feels like a fraud and, thus, not accepted in a relationship and will do things to sabotage that relationship. If someone has half a brain and doesn’t lie, then the chances are greater that they will find someone who accepts them for who they are and not the lie they project. Thus, a much better chance at a long term relationship, IMO. The people that do not accept them then it was simply not to be in terms of compatibility. And that’s where you fit in IMO. You and her are simply not to be. You probably have differing values at minimum. So give her props that she appears to have been truthful to date. If she says she is no longer like her past, then at that point you need to decide if you can still accept her or not…and she in turn should be doing the same to you. If you can’t accept her as she is, then you are not for her. Pretty simple IMO, from both of your perspectives. The politically correct way is that you two are simply not long term compatible. You may think she is a whore (and she may rightfully be a whore) but in the end it is irrelevant, you either accept her and her past as she is or you don’t because the one thing we can all agree is that the past is the past and it cannot be changed.
And therein is where people get themselves into trouble and into an emotional mess. They tell themselves that they can accept, but in reality they cannot. Like the saying goes, you may forgive, you may accept (and I frankly don’t buy that all the time either even if someone believes it), but you will never FORGET.
2. Your thinking is entirely normal and natural. Can you trust her? Will she cheat on you? Will she make a good long term partner? How messed up is she that she felt she needed to have all these penises in her? Will she be rationale and/or stable? Will she make a good mother? How many failed relationships has she had? What the hell is wrong with her? Why did she feel she needed to be with all these penises?
Did she consider how future partners would view her decisions and choices? Did she consider that possibility? Oh that’s right, she got f’ed over once and then she decided she was already messed up so she just went full tilt in that direction banging at will. Now she’s had enough and she wants to accept her and love her as she is. Did she conduct herself honorably?
Do you think if someone was sexually molested in their past that you have a right to know? Sure, that’s a shitty thing to happen to anyone and probably explains a lot about some people’s sexual histories, but do you think a potential partner has a right to know? Especially if they ask?
Don't let anyone tell you different in that this has only to do with you. Was she a virgin and and/or had a few long term monogamous relationships and saw sex as something special and intimate shared by people who know and care for one another after having spent time getting to know one another? If that was the case then I am sure you wouldn't be here. A string of one night stands tell me you're no more advanced than any animal.
3. Why do you have to hold the bag? She went out and had all the ‘fun’ and the experiences and now you have to hold the bag so to speak. She gave the milk for free and now she wants you to buy the cow (sure not the greatest analogy in giving its sexist slant but the saying is known to get my point across). Maybe you showed restraint and didn’t engage in all this type of sexual behavior. Sure, who doesn’t fancy the thought of doing two women at once or two guys at once. BUT that doesn’t mean you act on it. And I will even acknowledge those that for whatever reason did not have such opportunity and/or would not be able to have such an opportunity. But even this is unlikely, because if someone really wanted to then there is a way and someone who will oblige. So why not just do it? Maybe because that’s not want you want in a partner, so why would you bring that into a relationship? Think about that.
One other thing I want to get at is the ‘double standard’. I would say that in many respects there is a double standard. While men and women are equal (and/or should be equal) in many respects, in some respects they are not. And I’m referring to pregnancy and child-bearing because at the end of the day it is the woman who gets pregnant, not the man. As much as some women may not like to hear this, it is beyond me how they somehow try to rationalize the reality of the world and evolution away. And I’m not talking about responsibility; any man who gets a woman pregnant by putting his penis in her willingly is to be responsible…period.
But let’s be real here. Where does the buck stop? Who holds all the keys? Face it…women…not men. If this were not the case then men would be able to have babies. And that’s just not happening, not from evolution and/or natural selection or whatever you believe in. I think a woman must naturally aspire to a higher standard. She ultimately decides who will or won’t have a child with her in our day and age. Most women will have many many men to choose from to make that happen. It happens much much more easily for them. Women hold the keys, they say who to accept 99 times out of a 100. They decide who has sex with them and who doesn’t. Sure a guy will promise and smooth talk and on and on, it is the female who ultimately makes the final decision.
If she has had sex with who knows how many guys, then really I think she is communicating loud and clear that in many respects you are just another dick in the world to her. No wonder your ego is hurt, how special are you to her really? You can have as much self-esteem and confidence as you want, but you’re still number x in a long string of encounters. She had sex with all these guys, and in biological terms, she was willing to have a baby with each and every one of these guys. You may or may not be special, but the fact remains that her history proves you are not and that is the only hard evidence you have to go on.
Was long term mate bonding an evolutionary thing and/or a more recent patriarchical human construction/evolution? Many will say humanity’s natural state is to be polygamous. I’d say there sure is a lot of evidence to support that (exhibit 1 – your current girlfriend). But then there is the need to rationalize it with current moral and often religious constructs. Hence, this dilemma arises. Of course, now you’re the one she wants to take care of her and support her. Sure, she may well be able to support herself, but she wants you because for whatever reason, unlike all the many guys before you who have come and gone, you have a higher sense of obligation to her, something you can probably attribute to a moral code probably higher than hers and that of the many guys before you. Don’t fall for it. Let her find someone more like her and you do the same.
4. There is a better woman for you out there and more compatible with you. Not much to explain here but thought I needed to emphasize this point. There are many many people who would see things and react to the situation similarly. Find them, or her, they will be a much better fit for you and you will save yourself trying to rationalize someone else’s actions from your own perspective. It’s just a physical and mental impossibility when your values conflict and you fundamentally do not accept her and/or her past (which is often one and the same, like trying to separate a person’s body from their personality – you won’t be able to do it long term without some cost to yourself). You will save yourself a world of hurt and ongoing pain and self-torment. Worse, you will begin to show anger towards her and worse progressions. Why deal with this? Just chalk it up to incompatibility and be on your separate ways.
You will tell yourself that you love her. That she is otherwise everything you want and you get along great and blah blah blah blappity blah…sorry to be a bit crass but I have heard it all. This is where your mind/body plays tricks on you. Evolution is telling you to just procreate with her, put your penis in her and that everything will be fine. Same from her perspective, she can feel that you don’t accept her, but she still wants you. You hurt her but she still hangs in there, probably knowing that she thinks she is not good enough for you (and/or at least that is what you believe). Maybe her self-esteem is low. Otherwise, why the need for all these memories when you are trying to start a new relationship? Is her life just a string of relationships and you’re just the next one? Be smart and think harder armed with a little more perspective and knowledge. Be smart for the both of you if you have to.
Such a fit will come much more naturally. I’m not saying you won’t have to overcome or be accepting of another woman, but she will likely have more similar values and no deal-breakers. You fundamentally accept her and her past and vice-versa. This way it is a two-way street and not just a lopsided affair where you have to accept everything about her. This relationship will be inherently more balanced.
5. I will repeat...you will NEVER get over it. You may accept and/or forgive but you will never forget...EVER. Whatever you do, remember this. There will always be something that will trigger your recollection no matter how hard you try. A cheating scene in a movie, a mention by her of some guy you don’t know, talk of past relationships, a friend saying to you remember so and so, and the list goes on and on. Save yourself the agony of trying to reconcile why you would stay with someone you reject, that’s what it comes down to. In the end, it is your decision.
6. I'm assuming you are not married to her and have no children with her. Yet another reason to run for the hills. You have no obligation to her and no responsibilities. There is nothing holding you back from just starting fresh. Don't go and complicate sh!t by knocking her up or wanting to marry her. You will regret it even more as now you will still feel the same but then you will feel obliged to stand by her when you know deep down that you have never really accepted her. Now you have kids by her. Don't fall for it; you'll be living in la-la land and only fooling yourself. You'll either stay with her and be miserable out of obligation and/or affect the life of an innocent child who deserves a mother and a father. Either way it’s a crappy scenario...don't knowingly choose to get yourself into that situation. Our religions and family institutions have social value, they are not entirely pie in the sky human creations. You will be creating a bad situation for the both of you and any family. Sure, you may reject her but that doesn’t mean she deserves your misery either. Remember, you’re just not compatible.
7. One last thing and worry of course – STDs. No need to explain much here. You’re having sex with almost everyone she and her previous partners had sex with. Why do you need to accept this? There is a woman, who while still sexual, consciously practiced more restraint and lived by a higher moral code. She is better for you. You won’t have to worry about having some STD they have yet to identify only to find out that is the reason why you are dying 20 years prematurely and/or why she has cancer of the uterus due to the myriad of HPV strains she has accumulated over the years and has now shared with you.
Here is one more reason why one night stands don’t add up and the difference between animalistic and primal behavior unique to any animal versus a human who operates by a higher order of thinking and/or moral code. She willingly engaged in sex with someone she did not know and/or knew nothing or little about with the primary exception that she had a vagina that she wanted a penis for.
I thing I cut deep to the core in at least parts of this response. Maybe a little too real for some? I was just sick of reading all the shallow blather and ‘listening’ to folks rationalizing their shallow behaviors and/or their current relationships.
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reader, rcn +, writes (7 January 2011):
So, you two are sexually active? So, you don't like what she has done in her past, but you don't mind going there and doing to her what other guys have done? If you two split, you will then become a past that someone else might not want to hear about. This is because when you love someone, it's difficult to imagine someone else being intimate with the girl that you are now being intimate with. It's based on your emotional attachment to her, and in a way, jealousy because you weren't the one her past is with.
Tell yourself that "yes she has a past", and although you may not have been part of that past, it's that past that's brought her to you now. If she's like really good in bed, you can owe that to her previous experience too. That's all her past is, it's part of her experience, it's part of her development into being a sexual being as humans are. Accept that when you were on top of other girls, your girlfriend was not part of that experience. Why should that be any different, and I'm sure you're not angry and upset over what you've done before you met her.
It should be illegal to discuss the past with a new lover. I've been where you are. I told my daughters mom that if I had known before we got together, we would not have, but I didn't and I fell in love and I chose to accept her at that time for who she is NOW and not who she was before. We had 4 wonderful years together, and she's still one of the most caring girls I've dated and is still a very good friend. And who am I to talk? I'd been with other girls, and with a friend and his girlfriend, really drunk in my defense (almost passed out) was the second guy in a 3 some. But what do you do when you're about to pass out, thinking we were having conversation until she unbuttoned my pants? I'm a guy, said what the hell.
The point is, we all have a past. Many of us have things that we have done intoxicated that we would not have done sober. The one sexual regret I had was having had sex before I met my first wife, because she was a virgin, and everything she was experiencing for the first time, I had already experienced. I believe it when it's said two people who experience for the first time together is an amazing experience. I think in a way she did too. But I'll admit if we had, with my ignorance, I would have had to have had a coach on the sidelines guiding me into what to do next.
The question is, DO YOU LOVE HER? If so, accept her for who she is today, right now, with you. Think about what you can be doing for her or to her instead of wasting your time about her past. Love her in every moment. I want you to go buy her flowers and apologize for being an ass about her past, and agree with her that from this moment forward your relationship is about the two of you and not about anything that either of you have done previously. Then tell her how much you love her and appreciate her being with you now.
Come to an agreement with her that ex memorabilia ALL gets sent to her moms. I don't feel that you can expect her to discard it until there is the ring on her finger, but you can expect it to be out of sight, out of mind. While you two are together it needs to be about you and her and not bringing all these other guys into your home (by way of pics or sexually explicit journals.)
Since these issues are brought on by the ego and conscious thought. I want you to, every single time a thought of her past comes in your mind, stop your thought of it, and replace it with, "She has a past, I don't care because I love her for her she is as I always will." Repetition will replace the negative with that phrase, and will eventually be automatic where these past thoughts will no longer bother you.
I hope your relationship works out for you. Love is one of the greatest assets two people have between each other, don't let what doesn't pertain to your relationship jeopardize the love you two share.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (7 January 2011):
"sexual daliances and threesomes are still in the forefront of her mind and not in the past"
I'm going to call bullshit on this anon. If these were still important to her she would still be doing them, and not be in a committed relationship. They've been together almost a year, this is far from a sexual daliance.
I had a threesome. If I'm ever asked, "what's the craziest thing you've done sexually?" That would be the answer. I will never do it again in a committed relationship. Just because someone had an experience doesn't mean they want to keep having that experience. I know I'll likely never do it again, even if a partner wants to. I've even refused invites because of my experience.
Everyone is different, but it's wrong to just assume that because she did something once, she wants to keep doing it, or wants it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I eel for you bud. I really do. I was once a virgin and with a girl who had a bad past and oh boy, I let loose on her. That aside, I think its important note logically here: She's had one night stands, a threesome, therefore, is she the relationship type girl? Will she get bored and cheat? To get to the point, yes, focusing on the big picture would help you. Those guys mean nothing to her and she only wants you. She keeps those pics around cause they are good memories only and not cause she misses the guys or wants to be with them. I will recommend counseling here too man as this kind of jealousy can get ugly. Counseling will help you remove the emotion you attach to her past and look at it logically so that you can make sense of the future with her. On a side note, learning about one's past before feelings arrive for each other saves a ton of heartache because the relationship and its goals arent yet established. Good luck on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): i would leave her. unlless you ar in it for sexual relaitionship aswell id have packed my bags already. but then again youve been together for almost a year. but thats nothing if shes making you unhappy and it could be the same story for years to come if you dont leave her now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): True, no one can change the past. But if she is having some feeling or want to reconnect to one of her past that is a problem. If she is the one who want to raise her past issues often then she is not yet clear off it but if you are the one wanting to know then forget it and go forward.
As a matter of fact her keeping of this guy as a friend and talking about him so often is not healthy.
Try to be calm and see if the past is still hunting her. Otherwise don't judge her for the mare telling of u. Did you tell her about you past? How do u feel if she behave like you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Hi,I feel for you. I've been there. And the girl I was dealing with had a past much worse than your girl, if you can believe that.I agree with a lot of what people have already said. As Dirtball said, it is important to identify what about her past bothers you. When I was in that situation, what bothered me was the fact that it would make her affection with me cheaper. How could it mean that much to her if she was so loose with other people? You say you discuss this with her but it sounds more like you just angry and you don't discuss it. I think getting to the root issue of what is bothering you would help a lot. For example, you might discuss her philosophy of sex, how it makes you feel, and why is bothers you. Then you can see: Is she understanding? Does she shut you out? Does she really try to put herself in your place? You are not being childish by this bothering you. The only thing childish would be to just keep getting angry and expect her to understand. You need to talk with her. Then, you need to make a decision once and for all as to whether you can get past this and move forward.Best wishes. I know it is not easy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Retroactive jealousy is right. The fact is why live in the past? She's with you now. And ultimately I can relate to how you feel. In fact I most likely would react the way you are, especially at first. However I would like to remind you that she is with you now and if she didn't care about you or trust she would never have shown you those journals or told you about her past, now would she? What I am curious about here, is that you're upset about her telling you her sexual experiences. She obviously feels very differently about sex and values sexual experiences differently. I think you and her go for counseling. I think the way your thinking will only drive her away. Do you think she's going to cheat on your or something? Do you think she's comparing you to her past? Like, why does this bother you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): She's not in it for keeps unless you like headgames or pandora boxes with nasty surprises. sexual daliances and threesomes are still in the forefront of her mind and not in the past. you could wait a few years while she sows her oats but then you'll just be dealing with all the baggage from that. sounds lurvely
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reader, xanthic +, writes (7 January 2011):
 To get over it, you have to realize this is solely YOUR issue. No one can change their past, you just need to accept that and be glad she's now in a LTR with you. She didn't tell you to read her journals, yet you did and now want to blame her for leading you to the issue at hand. I agree it's not best for her to stay friends with that one guy, but it's completely normal for people to keep old photos that have sentimental value, if they're the sentimental type. Obviously she is, but it doesn't mean she still loves those men or wants to cheat on you with them. I think you're overreacting a bit, as I said she can't change anything about what she's done before your relationship. If it helps, you can ask her to keep these items elsewhere or throw them out, but ultimately you'll have to overcome your retroactive jealousy if you want a future with her. It's not something that disappears overnight and may require therapy to overcome completely, but in the meantime keep in mind she's with you and only you, and has been for 10 months.
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reader, ToHereKnowsWhen  +, writes (7 January 2011):
 I don't think you are being childish, but it sounds like you are in a place you shouldn't be. You've become suspicious and started checking up on her. Is this who you really are? I hope you answer 'no'.This is not a good way for a relationship to be. As surprised as you are by this girl, if you can't let go of her past then at least let go of the girl. All the best.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (7 January 2011):
Do you have a sexual history? If you do, then you're a hypocrite. Just because you haven't shared details of your history with her doesn't mean it doesn't exist.The past is the past, and it cannot be changed. Ultimately you have a retroactive jealousy issue. There isn't much you can do other than learn to accept that her past makes her the person you claim to love today. I personally have momentos from all my past relationships. They are part of my history and I like to keep the documentation of them. Think about this. What was it about the information you learned that bothers you? Is it the fact that she was promiscuous? Is it that she has had sexual experiences you haven't? Once you figure this out, you'll at least know what you have to work on to get over this. Ultimately, if you can't get over this, then you should break it off with her. It's not right to torture her over her past. She can't change what has happened, she can only change how she acts going forward. If her actions show that she's different now, then that's what you should focus on.
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