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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Can't stop looking at porn and masturbating. Is this healthy for a 14-year-old girl?
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You're not a sex addict, ... (read in full...)
Is this how an orgasm is supposed to feel?
Q. Okay, i just wanted to know what exactly an orgasm is. I'm a virgin, but i have fingered myself before. In the act, there is a point where my body basically goes numb. I feel my muscles tighten and my clit open and close. It's like i lose complete...
A. 28 December 2010: That sounds like an orgasm to me.
As for moaning, not everyone does it. I'm typically pretty quiet too. But, I have found that when I moan, the feeling is more intense. It usually starts being mixed in with the heavy breathing. Focus on the f... (read in full...)
My friend is a major alcoholic!
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It hurts to watch a friend destroy themself. I've had friends who were major al... (read in full...)
He lies about smoking weed!
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A. 28 December 2010: Here's the thing. If you're going to make a statement like, "If you smoke weed again, you'll lose me." You need to be willing to follow through. If you make a consequence for an action, that only works if the consequence happens. As it is now, ... (read in full...)
In love with my friend so she said we can't speak to each other any more
Q. Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is ...
A. 28 December 2010: "What seems to now put me in a very awkward situation is how do I go about this?"
Awkward indeed. Basically you're in a catch 22. A no win situation. So, you have to maintain the friendship in order for you to have a chance with her "someday... (read in full...)
Do I want to lose my virginity to this girl?
Q. Here's the dilemma: I've been seeing a girl, roughly same age (23/24) for a few months now. I'm a virgin and recently found out she isn't. I'm afraid this will make her lose interest in me and also it makes me wonder if I really want to lose my ...
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Can someone explain love to me?
Q. hello dear cupid this may sound like a dumb question but can you guys explain love to me? all my life i've never really seen a good relationship. my mother, my aunts and even my older cousins all been in bad relationships and some are still in those...
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You have to trust that they are telling the truth and that the... (read in full...)
All he can talk about is sex!
Q. Let me start by saying me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 months and I love him with all my heart. He says he feels the same but sometimes I beg to differ. Anyway, lately all that's been on his mind is sex sex sex. I mean I don't mind, I ...
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I think you should find better friends. This guy just sounds l... (read in full...)
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Do I want to lose my virginity to this girl?
Q. Here's the dilemma: I've been seeing a girl, roughly same age (23/24) for a few months now. I'm a virgin and recently found out she isn't. I'm afraid this will make her lose interest in me and also it makes me wonder if I really want to lose my ...
A. 27 December 2010: You've got some misconceptions about virginity and relationships that aren't uncommon.
1. If you don't have sex then she will lose interest. This is only true if she's shallow and not a good person. It's true that some people will want sex, but... (read in full...)
Should I open that forbidden door or play it safe?
Q. hello im needing advice. im 24 and a parent to a 4 yr old boy. im also married and have been with my partner since i was 18. hes 30 yrs old. my dilemma is that he wants another baby. he feels hes ready and i do too but is it wrong for me to want ...
A. 27 December 2010: If you didn't have a 4 year old I'd say what you're looking for is possible. But since you have a kid you'll never be able to truely have the things you think you want.
If that stuff is important enough for you to sacrifice a relation... (read in full...)
Son's girlfriend cheated, now his whole outlook on life has changed.
Q. I need help really badly. My son he has been down for the last year or so. He had a girlfriend who he loved a lot. He did things for this for this girl that were super romantic and she reciprocated. I liked her. 5 years later,, and I repeat my son ...
A. 27 December 2010: Well, he shouldn't forgive her if he doesn't feel like it. She did him wrong, he's hurt and acting out.
"I'll never ever forgive all women for the hurt one caused me!" (my approximation of his message)
How old does he sound there? Surely n... (read in full...)
Is dating online safe for a teen girl?
Q. I am a 14 year old girl and want to date online but is it unsafe to date online please help...
A. 27 December 2010: Online dating isn't inherently unsafe, but it's not particularly safe either. I would highly recommend against it at your age, in fact, most online dating sites won't let you sign up until you're 18.
I'd recommend instead looking more locally ... (read in full...)
If he really loved her he wouldn't cheat on her with me right?
Q. I am extremely torn and confused over a guy that I was with 8 years ago for 1.5 years. Because of certain circumstances we had broken it off and recently about 4 months ago he came back into my life. He remembers everything we have done, all the ...
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It is possible he loves her on s... (read in full...)
She's amazing, why is she with me?
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A. 27 December 2010: Meh, just enjoy it. It's an internet relationship so it's make believe. Sure the feelings may be real, but there is not a real relationship.
Have you ever been in the same room together? Have you ever held hands? Ever kissed? Ever gone on ... (read in full...)
He lies about smoking weed!
Q. Hi.. I have this problem with my boyfriend... He constantly lies to me about weed. I am so against it and i tried to forbid him of using it.. He always hangs out with his friend that smoke weed, and he claims that he does not. I convinced him that ...
A. 27 December 2010: He lies because he knows you disapprove. What benefit would coming clean have for him? You'll still be upset.
He's not likely to change this habit. Can you accept him smoking pot? If not, perhaps it's just better to end it.... (read in full...)
Son's girlfriend cheated, now his whole outlook on life has changed.
Q. I need help really badly. My son he has been down for the last year or so. He had a girlfriend who he loved a lot. He did things for this for this girl that were super romantic and she reciprocated. I liked her. 5 years later,, and I repeat my son ...
A. 27 December 2010: Nothing you're going to say can convince him either. He has to want to change his outlook. Don't worry, he'll change it one day when he meets a girl who inspires him to.
It's not uncommon for passionate people to behave in extremes like thi... (read in full...)
How to move from Best Friend to Boy Friend?
Q. Ok I'm gunna jump straight into it. Me and my friend have been friends for a couple of years now we went out near to when we met (bad idea) and it didnt work out, she sorta didnt want to kiss n just didnt feel the same way about me compared to how ...
A. 27 December 2010: LOL, I should have said I never figured out how to SUCCESSFULLY get out of the friend zone.
Actually, the points that Cerberus makes are spot on. Much of what he has said hits home for me, because like you OP, I too have a crush on a close fr... (read in full...)
One of her friends is in love with her!
Q. A group of friends including my girlfriend went out for a night. As people went home, she was left with one of her male friends. He confessed his love for her, but she told him that she's in love with me. She was sharing a bed with another female ...
A. 27 December 2010: Keep trusting her. She turned him down, and if he makes any advances now, it will cost him her friendship. I doubt he's willing to risk that. As long as the two of them aren't sharing a room I don't really see a problem. She chose you! Be happy ... (read in full...)
Help me salvage my relationship with my best friend.
Q. hey guys. so me and my best friend have been friends since seventh grade. were sophomores in high school now. we used to be really close, but now we arent. hes been hanging around these ghetto, mexican kids and they are a really bad influence. hes a ...
A. 27 December 2010: Go ahead and tell him what you're feeling. He may have changed quite a bit, but old friendships like that hold something more. It's possible he may not want to continue your friendship, but it wouldn't be bad for you to talk to him. He'll likely ... (read in full...)
Should I be unsettled by this?
Q. Hey guys, I'd love some advice on whether I should be unsettled by something I found out about my new bf of 4 months past or not. So far, things have been awesome, like he's too good to be true:) We met through work, and he's gorgeous, thoughtful, ...
A. 27 December 2010: I agree with Cerberus, that this doesn't need to be a problem. And if you address it soon and correctly, then it won't be a problem.
Remember, honest communication is important. Often you can avoid fights by addressing these kinds of concerns... (read in full...)
What are the signs that he could like me?
Q. How do i no if sumone liks me, i cant stop thinking about this guy, i really like him slept with him a few times but cant tell him how i feel, we do txt sumtimes but thats it I will say sumthing eventually but i need to no sum signs that he mi...
A. 27 December 2010: Ok, just to get this straight... You're sleeping with someone who only texts with you sometimes and who you don't know if they even really like you.
Great plan. I can't see this ending badly at all.
Do you go on dates? Do you talk when yo... (read in full...)
My husband won't stop insulting me!
Q. hi i am 28 years old and i married to my boyfriend. we are crazy about each other but my husband is bad tempered and whenever he becomes angry he easily insults me. we have no other problem but i can not tolerate it anymore. i have talked to him ...
A. 27 December 2010: The only way he'll listen is if you attach consequences for him doing these actions. When you talk to him, tell him "If you insult me like that again, I'm leaving." Then what you have to do is leave when he does it. If you don't, then you're just ... (read in full...)
How do you tell love from lust?
Q. How do you tell love from lust? I am 35 and recently met up with an old flame i used to hang out with when we were teenagers. I always liked this guy and he liked me. We had a brief relationship but it was mainly based on sex. He did however ...
A. 27 December 2010: "My relationship had gone pear shaped so i didnt see as i had anything to lose."
Does this mean you broke it off, or are you cheating on someone?
The only way to tell if someone is into you for more than sex is to not have sex with them and se... (read in full...)
My girlfriend calls me a manwhore!
Q. So my girl and I have been together for a couple years and we used to be really happy but things lately last 4 months or so havent been all that great. She makes me feel bad about myself. Since I've had some history with women before dating her, she ...
A. 27 December 2010: I agree with QuirkLady. There's nothing that can change the past, so belittling you for it is just juvanile and a major personality defect.
Have you tried talking it out? I mean, really talking it out. Not letting her joke about it or play ... (read in full...)
My Boy Friend wants sex but I want kisses too
Q. My friend and i have been messing around for about two years now. I'm bi. We both have had girlfriends in between us fooling around. i really like him and feel like we should be together. We have amazing sex. But he doesn't kiss me. i mean it's not ...
A. 27 December 2010: 1. You can only hope he has feelings for you. There is no way to MAKE someone feel anything. Well, I suppose you could inflict pain, but you get my point I think.
2. Try kissing him. Perhaps he'll kiss you back.
Really though, if he ha... (read in full...)
How to move from Best Friend to Boy Friend?
Q. Ok I'm gunna jump straight into it. Me and my friend have been friends for a couple of years now we went out near to when we met (bad idea) and it didnt work out, she sorta didnt want to kiss n just didnt feel the same way about me compared to how ...
A. 27 December 2010: I can give no hints as to how to get out of the friend zone. I've never figured it out myself. But I may be able to help with a couple of your questions.
You cannot progress the relationship without risking what you have now. If you take it ... (read in full...)
My BF is obsessed with sexting me and I think it's inappropriate
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together almost three months. I love him and he loves me. Very much. Our parents refuse to let us date, so we date through text messages, late at night, when we are alone. He likes to virtually "do" me while talking. He ...
A. 27 December 2010: If you don't like it then you should stop. Don't ever let someone pressure you into doing something you don't want or don't feel comfortable doing. Right now it's the texts, but it won't stop there. Your parents are right to be worried about you ... (read in full...)
She wants a chill date... how can I take things slowly?
Q. Me and this girl have been friends for the past 5 years we play a couple sports together and have always been close. In our freshman year of high school she came out as a bisexual. Last year I came out as a lesbian. We are currently juniors ...
A. 25 December 2010: Glad to hear it! Thanks for the follow up and merry Christmas. ... (read in full...)
I am sleeping with my husband's best friend
Q. I am sleeping with my husband's best friend. It started a year and a half ago. Every time we spend together is just amazing. He says all the right things and makes love to me in ways I cannot describe. Trouble is, I love my husband very muc...
A. 24 December 2010: Sorry Lovegirl, thewalkindude nailed my intent there. If I were the OP's husband she would have divorce papers in front of her before she could blink and my "friend" would be lucky I have enough self control not to cut his nuts off. As I ... (read in full...)
Is getting an AIDS test scary, how is it done?
Q. So in health class weve been talking about STDS and aids and how it is transmitted through any kind of sex. Two years ago i used to give my now ex blowjobs, but i usually didnt swallow the cum except for once or twice.But my health teacher told us ...
A. 24 December 2010: *it's not that...... (read in full...)
Is getting an AIDS test scary, how is it done?
Q. So in health class weve been talking about STDS and aids and how it is transmitted through any kind of sex. Two years ago i used to give my now ex blowjobs, but i usually didnt swallow the cum except for once or twice.But my health teacher told us ...
A. 24 December 2010: It's nit that scary. Usually it is done with a blood test, but there is a new method that uses a cheek swab.
Getting tested for std's is always a good idea when you are sexually active.... (read in full...)
I like him, but I do not know how to express it.
Q. There is a guy at work who I think has a crush on me for awhile. He used to walk by cubicle and look into my mirror so I would notice him. He would smile and look away. Then, I took notice and eventually liked him. I said "hi" to him and then the ...
A. 24 December 2010: Start by striking up a conversation or suggesting you go to lunch together. He sounds shy and unsure of himself, so it's doubtful he'll make a move. You'll know if there is something to this if you can talk to each other rather than just ... (read in full...)
In love with my friend so she said we can't speak to each other any more
Q. Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is ...
A. 24 December 2010: Well, I'm very sad to hear this. My sincere condolences. It's a great shame that she decided to pass on this. I still think she's conflicted, but she made her choice. I'm very sorry it didn't work out.
Thank you for the update.... (read in full...)
He uses smoking as a way to cope with stress but I want him to quit!
Q. Okay, so I'm 15 and I'm kind of in a relationship with this guy ( same age ). Ilove him with all my heart, and he loves me back. Itell him everything, and vise versa. He has had a difficult life. He's in a depression, but he goes to therapy ...
A. 24 December 2010: Not to advocate drug use, but actually Marijuana is one of the safest illegal drugs he could be doing. It actually does help with depression, although if he's already on medications for that, it is less than ideal.
What you need to do is be suppo... (read in full...)
I have doubts about my partner
Q. I have doubts about my partner. When i met her she told me that she had booked a holiday to mexico with friends for xmas. As xmas came around i found that she is sharing a room with a male friend. Last night as we were making love for the last time ...
A. 24 December 2010: The daughter thing is forgivable. It's not like she was left with strangers, she was left with her dad.
If I had just experienced what you did, my trust would be waivering as well. Calling you by his name, and them sharing a room doesn't ... (read in full...)
My wife can't have children so she told me to marry her sister!
Q. 1 am 30 years man . I am married with good wife of 28..we have no child ... we consulted a doctor , there is some problem in my wife , so there is no chance of child .. my wife has one sister of age 23 ,my wife ask me marry her , whether i can ma...
A. 24 December 2010: To me it sounds like your wife is a good woman, who is putting your happiness before hers. I think she is someone you should seriously consider keeping and forget about the sister.
Could adoption be an option? Someone who cares so much for othe... (read in full...)
I am sleeping with my husband's best friend
Q. I am sleeping with my husband's best friend. It started a year and a half ago. Every time we spend together is just amazing. He says all the right things and makes love to me in ways I cannot describe. Trouble is, I love my husband very muc...
A. 24 December 2010: Dear Cupid,
I'm at the end of my rope. I think my wife is stepping out on me. She's been spending a lot of time with my best friend lately. While I trust them both, it just seems odd how much time they are spending together. He's like a brothe... (read in full...)
In love with my friend so she said we can't speak to each other any more
Q. Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is ...
A. 23 December 2010: It sounds like you handled that perfectly. Good call resisting kissing her. That poor conflicted girl. She's starting to realize it, but it's just taking her a while.
"She said the only time she doesn't wish she was doing something else is ... (read in full...)
In love with my friend so she said we can't speak to each other any more
Q. Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is ...
A. 22 December 2010: I definitely want to know how this works out!
"I'm willing to wait as long as need be, she's worth it and all the hurt that is happening now in my eyes."
Tell her this. This is the kind of statement that defines love. Ultimately you w... (read in full...)
In love with my friend so she said we can't speak to each other any more
Q. Okay, so I'm pretty sure many people have been in this situation at some point. I've been in love with my best friend for the past 4 years. I'm an 18 year old guy and she is literally the girl equivalent to me. Our humour, our everything is ...
A. 22 December 2010: She pretty clearly has strong feelings for you but is really conflicted. Part of her wants to go for it, but part of her is too afraid to lose a friend. I can completely understand.
I would like to congratulate you on finally telling her how ... (read in full...)
She wants a chill date... how can I take things slowly?
Q. Me and this girl have been friends for the past 5 years we play a couple sports together and have always been close. In our freshman year of high school she came out as a bisexual. Last year I came out as a lesbian. We are currently juniors ...
A. 14 December 2010: Recommend she bring some pajamas, then you two can get all cozy and snuggle up watching a movie. No confessions of undying love, just snuggle up under a blanket and cuddle. It will be great. Pick out a couple of movies you like and have them ... (read in full...)
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