A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I hope you're enjoying the new year.Well, I'm in a quandary. Just over a year ago I began seeing a work colleague. There was an obvious attraction between us for about six months before we kissed. Naively, I thought that we could manage to keep it as a short fling. I was adamant that we would, as he has been married for 25 years. However, he has a very strong personality and, after a number of weeks it became apparent that he wasn't willing to let me go. On numerous occasions I approached him and told him that we need to nip it in the bud; we'd both had a good time and enjoyed each others' company, but it was time to stop now.There is a 33 year age gap, he being the older party. We have split up twice. The first time, I asked him whether there was any long term future and it became obvious that there wasn't. At this point in the relationship, however, I was grateful for a route out, and for a few days we were no longer a couple. I met someone that very evening and went on a date with him. He wasn't a catch, 'though, and that didn't last.The second time we split up was when he said to me "I can't leave my family". Again, I took this to be a route out which also resolved me of all responsibility. However, this time I was miserable without him. I cried a lot, but when I saw him in work I was very strong and told him that I could cope. He wanted me back, 'though.And so we carried on in the same way, seeing each other when his wife was at work, which is two evenings a week and one or two days of every weekend. We are like two halves of a whole. We are in sync. We have the same interests and values. We just agree on everything, and if we don't then we are able to sympathise with the other's point of view. He treats me with respect, and values everything that I have to say. Not like some of the relationships I see, where the two parties, albeit jokingly, take the mickey out of each other. As I said, he's got quite a strong personality. He can be very persuasive and, at times, a bit too forceful with his desires, needs and wants. I'm not perturbed by this, though. I like to be led, as long as it's in a direction that I agree with! For the past four weeks, since just before Christmas, he has intimated that he really does want to leave his wife for me. He is adamant. We have talked practically about it, and there is a house of my family's that we would be able to move into. He asks me all the time whether I want it, and he seems unable to take 'no' for an answer. The thing is, I do want it, as I miss him when I'm not with him. As I have never had such an intense and loving relationship before, I question whether I would be able to find the same again and why I should have to look for the same again, when I have it now, with him. I know that I have to act fast. I had thought that the right thing would be to walk away and to leave him to get on with his life, but then my friend said that no one would profit from that. There are numerous practical concerns, though. Will our families accept it? Will our friends accept it? My sister and three of my best friends know. Most of them are OK with it. One of them is concerned because she thinks that he is possessive and will only get worse. But is this a problem if I feel as though it's not? No, he doesn't like me going out clubbing until the early hours of the morning, but I now find clubbing quite boring and I always end up missing him anyway. We're both into having healthy active outdoor lifestyles, and neither of us are that bothered about drinking. I could forego it completely if one of my best friends' life didn't centre around drinking and socialising.I know that I have wronged in initiating and maintaining the extra-marital affair. I do feel shame and, as we are still being secretive, I have managed to hide my wrongdoing. However, my parents would know. They do know that I'm seeing someone in secret, but have asked no questions and showed no concern. I'm 27 and they probably feel as though I'll make the right decisions.I know that other people can be shallow. I live in the UK, in a fairly quiet area, where everyone knows everyone's business and where people judge other people for fun. Will I feel the confusion in people when they see us together? If I'm honest, the age gap probably looks bigger than it is. I sometimes get asked for ID in pubs, which means that they are asking for proof that I am 18 years old or over. However, the 'ask 25' policy means that staff will ask anyone who looks like they could be younger than 25. In work people often assume that I'm about 6 years younger than I am. I hope that they are only going off my looks, as I feel as though I conduct myself in a mature way and I'm very professional.Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope that you can answer my query with honesty without being too harsh... the love that has grown between us is now very deep and definitely much deeper than I have ever experienced before. I'd like to add, though, that it is mostly my doing that I haven't been in such an intense relationship before. When I was 18 I had a one night stand that went horribly wrong, which made me reluctant to get close to anyone until one of my best friends (male) asked me out when I was 22. He is a lovely boy, and we had a lovely relationship, but I discovered myself with him and, after we broke up, I had a few short term but fun relationships, all with single men, thinking that I wanted to see what was out there before I settled down.Thank you for reading.
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affair, at work, best friend, broke up, christmas, clubbing, one night stand, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Yup, that's because she's generally viewed as someone sleeping her way to the top. Those women do exist, I've met them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Dirtball, yes I wonder what H.R will say to this affair. In our workplace affairs are frowned upon and it is the females who are usually looked upon as skanks, esp if the man is married. Usually the female has no career prospects and she is only associated with spreading her legs for a married man. This is unfair view but it is life. I have seen so many other woman wishing they have never entertained a married man in the workplace. Their reputation ends in tatters, they are always the topic of discussion and no matter how professional they appear their sex life always hinders their progress. It is an eye opener for any homewrecker.LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 January 2011):
OP, Since I didn't see that answered, MM means Married Man.
Enjoy your affair. I wonder what HR would think about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): You are obviously blinded by your love for this guy and as such, any negative comments about him you bit peoples heads off. We have taken the time to reply to you so have a little respect.
Whether you like it or not, the guy is a cheat. This is not me being a "bully" it is me stating a fact. The guy is cheating on his wife, pure and simple. To make it worse, his wife loves him but i'm guessing you never really considered her feelings in all this.
I'm not going to sugar coat anything i have to say and if you think you are being attacked, that's tough i'm afraid.
This guys morals are questionable at best and down right lousy at worst. If he does leave his wife, what makes you think he won't do the same to you?
I have a feeling my words will be lost on you seeing as you are either in denial or blinded by your feelings.
"'Cruel'??? He is far from cruel. He is loving and kind and protective. What makes you think that he's cruel?"
How about the fact, he's cheating on his loving wife, the mother of his children, with a woman young enough to be his own daughter?
To be honest, i have no idea why you are asking for advice because you can't seem to grasp the seriousness of what you have done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I think there is ample consensus- the OP will do as she likes with another womans husband and no matter what eye opening advice any of the responsible Aunts have given, she will not listen.So if you want to be a kept Mistress, with no shame then please go right ahead.To CaringGuy, plse do not feel pressurised to change your advice. You normally give realistic advice and I commend you.To the OP, I suggest you check your tone of your replies. After all it is You who wrote in and it is You who knowingly sleeps with a married man. It is you who is destroying lives in your quest for this MM. Your tone suggests that you have no concept of respect whatsoever. The way you lead your life is very evident in your followups. I strongly suggest that you take some time to examine your character, your moral fibre, your ethics and lastly your role as a mistress. Yes you do not agree with the advice that was given, therefore you have jumped down peoples throats. You do not like the harsh realistic answers you were given and basically being a homewrecker is tough on anyone, and that included you. So do what you will. I will not suggest otherwise. Please remember Karma is a bitch and when it swings your way, the lives you have destroyed, will be avenged. That is a promise. When you least expect it you will account for your wrongdoing. Your 33 years older Gramps is all for your taking. Enjoy!.LoveGirlPS: instead of taking the criticism and throwing it back here perhaps the OP should realistically read her saga. Her so called kind lover seems anything but!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): There is love between you yet he wont leave his wife but I doubt anything anyone here can say will persuade you otherwise, it doesnt help you work with him so you can never make a clean break and it's not healthy that whenever you try to leave he convinces you otherwise, and yet...he's still with his wife. The truth is he won't get a divorce and he'll say everything to keep you sweet and yes he may have feelings for you even love but not enough love to leave his wife and commit to you. He asserts his personality on you to the point you dont go out and you enjoy yourself, while he's at home with his wife and somehow you're doing wrong? Wouldn't you like to being a relationship thats open, no secrets from anyone, no guilt trips, free to share each other, go out and have fun? I'm sure the "intensity" you talk about is from the combined fact this man is very persuasive and there's a little excitement from the extra martial aspect of it, but so what if you move in together? Will the dynamics of the relationship change? You're 27, will he let you out the house to go dance and relax without him? I mean he's the one thats married yet he's got you on a guilt trip for going out and enjoying yourself, and let's be frank you never gave the guy you dated a chance because you probably felt like you were cheating on this man. If he really wants to be with you then let him get a divorce and commit to you, otherwise whats he's doing to you is not fair, you only get one life, he's having his cake and eating it while you're waiting for something that may and may not happen. Dont waste your life, enjoy yourself, life is not about misery and heartache, it's about joy and sharing, right now everything is intense because you guys are in your own little universe snatching moments here and there but they are only moments, there are alot more guys out there who will share quality time with you and more, absolute trust and total honesty. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I have read this post and can remember how I felt when I first met my boyfriend. He was still legally married and "getting a divorce" too. Everyone tried to warn me but I was stubborn an thought I found real love. He understood me, he didn't like to go out either and he pursued living with me. We have lived together for four years. He has not finalized his divorce and now that I bring up having children, he pins me up against his legal wife and his child. He claims that I bring up having children whenever he wants to spend time with his daughter. I think I finally realized that this is a cruel game and predicament that we've played for going six years.
When you first met these men, you get wrapped up in their charm and then you want to move forward with the normal things that people do like get married, have children and own a home then reality hits. Since he is already married and she owns a home, that new feeling and excitement is just not there.... In the end we sell ourselves short. Then you will really feel embarassed and used.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 January 2011):
Okay, then I say move in with him and enjoy your life. Take it slow, and the moment he shows any specific domineering behaviour, or the moment he starts to be over-protective, get out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 OP, you are in love with this guy so I realize that the advice of a bunch of strangers won't make you change your feelings . And after all,it's your life. You are 27, not a teenager - by now you know that any choice has consequences, good and bad, and you are willing to live with them .
I was thinking more along practical lines. Like, what's your rush ? why do you have to go live together now , while he is still married ? Could he not wait until the legal procedures have been started, if not completed ?
It's rarely a brilliant idea going to live with a legally married man. I don't know about UK, but I know about my country and about USA . If his wife does not agree with
breaking the marriage ( I think you said she does not ) she can literally take him to the cleaners . She could even claim extra money for something called "existential damage " ( or something like that ).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCaring Guy,There are parts of your advice that I like. The fact that people are pedalling this 'possessive' slant is very positive, as I can use it to try and distance myself, feeling-wise.Calling the man I love 'cruel' though... would Claire Rayner have done that? I'd like to think not. Constructive advice should be a little more objective than that!!! Of course I'm not going to like anyone slagging off the guy I love. I haven't armed you with all the facts, either. In those 13 paragraphs on the left I haven't conveyed to you exactly how the whole 13 month affair has proceeded. Only my three friends and sister know that. If you're attempting to be a good agony aunt, don't take my responses personally. I'm responding to the content and calibre of your advice, which of course I'm allowed to disagree with. I make no personal slight on you yourself. So get over it."Kind? Generous?"Yes, in the way that he treats me, and does everything for me. "I'll be you all the money in the world that his wife has basically given up on him because he's a rubbish husband."No, she loves him and doesn't want him to leave. He was never a rubbish husband. He was always taking her out and taking her on holiday etc. "Protective?" Of me, duh!!! You know, people can fall out of love. Just becuase he's no longer protective of the wife he no longer loves... that's partly why he wants to be with me. His relationship at home isn't the same any more."And also, your own friend told you he was jealous and possessive." Yes, but she admitted that she cannot stand such trait and is oversensitive to them. We are talking about a lovely but very high maintenance girl who would freak out if she got two phone calls from her beau in the one day. As I said earlier, those paragraphs on the left tell a limited part of the story."And, better the even younger model if he's after a carer. A wife who's 8 years younger isn't the same as a woman 33 years younger." I disagree. Primarily because I still live with my parents. On top of that, he cooks and washes up for me, and for his wife. I'm telling you, she's a kept woman. That's what he's like. He's a modern kind of guy!!"Don't delude yourself, and don't try to defend a cheating man either." I'll decide how to proceed with the advice given, thanks. Hell, you say that *he* is domineering!!! Give me some room, here!! You know, to weigh up the advice and deal with it as I see fit. Yes, some of the advice I didn't like but from the start I've thanked people for providing responses."If he loved you, he'd have walked away from her when he met you, regardless." HAhahahaha! He'd have been an idiot. A complete idiot. "Oh, this 27 year old has taken a shine to me and I quite like her, too. Bye, wifey!" It's never going to happen. For the first four months he was wary of strangers' responses to us. For the next four months he questioned whether I could really love someone 33 years my junior. He's not going to give up all that he's worked for without some kind of affirmation on my part that I want him to do so!!! If he'd've turned up on my doorstep in the first month with his bags packed... well, then you really would worry about his intentions!!!"See, you're a mistress, and nothing more." REad the question. He asks me 5 times a day whether we're going to move into the family house when it becomes empty, which'll be next weekend, by the way."you're choosing to ignore glaringly obvious signs that he'll just use you until such time he wants another younger model." Au contraire, I love this guy and if you lot can convince me not to then I'll be better off long term, all things considered. No complications if I fall out of love with him and fall for a single chap closer in age to me."My bet is you won't listen." FFS, Claire Rayner would certainly not be this aggressive! I'm not on here to be bullied!!!! As I said before, I *want* to take on board what you lot are saying, but it's much harder when you're being so bloody aggressive and downright nasty. What's it to you if I take your advice with a pinch of salt???"Just don't bother complaining when it goes wrong." Don't worry, I don't know you / live with you and so the chances of you finding out my fate are pretty slim!! "The man's a cheat. The man's a liar. The man's let his wife and family own. The man's possessive over you and will no doubt control you. Your friend has warned you. We have warned you." You are full of derision for "this man". This is not warming me to your way of thinking. I'm obviously going to defend him, here. "The list is endless. Disregard it at your own peril." Oh, I'm shaking in my boots.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2011):
Why is it that people ask for advice, yet don't like it? That paragraph was more than important, because you are dealing with a man who has not once shown you any real love or commitment. Ever. He's only shown that for a few nights a week, he can give you a really good time. That's not the same as living with a man who is cheat.
Kind? Generous? When has a cheating man been kind and generous? Surely if he does it to one woman, he'll do it for another. You're the next one. That's all. I'll be you all the money in the world that his wife has basically given up on him because he's a rubbish husband.
Protective? Sure, he's a real knight to the wife he's been deceiving. I bet she feels really safe. And also, your own friend told you he was jealous and possessive.
And, better the even younger model if he's after a carer. A wife who's 8 years younger isn't the same as a woman 33 years younger.
Don't delude yourself, and don't try to defend a cheating man either. If he loved you, he'd have walked away from her when he met you, regardless. He didn't though, did he? So why?
See, you're a mistress, and nothing more. You've not lived with him, and you're choosing to ignore glaringly obvious signs that he'll just use you until such time he wants another younger model. Your friend told you this, and pretty much everyone here has. My bet is you won't listen. Just don't bother complaining when it goes wrong.
The man's a cheat. The man's a liar. The man's let his wife and family own. The man's possessive over you and will no doubt control you. Your friend has warned you. We have warned you.
The list is endless. Disregard it at your own peril.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): its a hard choice to make teres always that fear he might one day do to you what he dito his wife, but if you really love him and want to give him the chance only u have the right to make that choice, just be sure he genuenly is leaving his wife and isnt being sweet and romantic anthen drop you to go running back to her, you hear too many stoys like that, take it slow and if its ment to happen it will
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTennisstar, you've told me all that I need and want to know about the site. Yes, I do understand. I hope that I've misjudged the tone of that, and that you weren't being patronising.
Anonymous female, "MM"? There's lingo for this kind of thing? You seem to be up on the jargon. Yes, of course living with him will have us spending more time together. Have you not got the gist? Some readers are concerned that he's not going to let me out of his sight! Can I add that it is *he* who is pushing for us to live together; not me!! I'm not some knob who's chasing him!! Even his wife knows who's doing the pursuing!! "You're either having an affair or she's going to get you done for stalking her"
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (8 January 2011):
 OP, the title you pick for your question is a suggested title..Moderators always use the one given (if it is given) unless someone else already has the title. This is what happened in your case, someone already had the title of "What should I do?". Not to mention it's way to general and you need a more interesting title to get people to read your post and give you more answers. Understand?
P.S. Moderators are people who edit your questions and approve them before they get published. Maybe you should read more about the site so you have a better understanding.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (8 January 2011):
You know it wont be accepted. If he left his wife he will get another mistress and eventualy leave you. You wll then know how his wife feels.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"My fear for you here is that he wants a carer. He's 33 years older than you, which means that when you're 35 and your friends have children, homes, husbands and all that, you'll be struggling to care for a possessive and somewhat cruel man aged 68 who will happily watch you run after him. Realistically he won't offer you children (if you want them), and his divorce will ensure that your lives are made difficult (especially if he has children - they will scorn you and make your life hell for it)."
Caring Guy, this paragraph was somewhat unnecessary. He wants a carer? Surely he has that in his wife who is 8 years younger than him and who he knows he can depend on, without any doubt, as they have brought up a child together??
'Cruel'??? He is far from cruel. He is loving and kind and protective. What makes you think that he's cruel?
He'll happily watch me run after him? And what would give him that idea? Surely if he wanted someone to run after him he'd be better off sticking where he is.
Can I also add that he currently completes a distance of 8km on the cross trainer in 30 minutes 58 seconds. He is young, active and very fit and goes in the gym with me every day of the working week.
His daughter, by the way is married to, and has a child with, a man 20 years her junior. My lover accepted this, no questions asked.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, and thanks for responding.
Can I firstly say that I did not give it that title!! I gave it the title "What should I do?" The most recent answer, you have been mislead. But thank you for responding anyway.
I broke up with him on those two occasions because I was trying to do what I thought was right. I was trying to extricate myself from the web. It wasn't because I didn't love him; I do.
For those who have tried to warn me off, I do want to believe you. I wish I could think less of him for cheating in the first place and for being possessive, but love has grown between us despite this.
I want to thank you all for responding.
I did not give it that title, though.... to the creator of the website, that is very misleading!! :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): What happened to you in your life where you think a MM staying with his wife and throwing you a bone here and there is intense love? It's not other people who are shallow, it's him! You think living together will make spend more time with you? He's just making you a kept woman is all and he's not moving out from his wife. If you could step inside his head for a second and know how he saw you and felt about you, you would run run run. Honey, you are so naive and no match for his manipulations. You will wake up 10 years from now and want to strangle this man for stealing your youth and giving you nothing for it.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 January 2011):
Let's address the marriage thing first - This is a married man who is HAPPILY cheating on his wife and family. That is one major, major red flag. It means that you yourself are totally expendable, and always will be. If (and I stress the 'if' bit) he actually left his wife, chances are that he would treat you in exactly the same way and wind up cheating. Married men should always be NO -NO, because they represent the most unstable, unsuitable candidates for meaningful relationships. If he thinks so little of his wife and family, then he will think little of you too.
But, it's not just that. Take away the marriage for a moment, and there are still so many red flags!
You've ended the affair several times, which means that neither of you are truly committed or suitable to each other. There is no long term possibility here at all, and to think so is short sighted. How long until you come together and it fizzles out again? Not long, I assure you.
Will your family accept it? If you're worried about their opinion that much, then again, maybe you're not that committed.
You say you have the same interests and values - what values does he have exactly? He's a cheat. And, no disrespect, but you're apart of that and maybe you need to question yourself about your own values too. Because two people who are having an affair are two people willing to throw values out the window at any time.
He treats you with respect, yet your friend tells you he is possessive. Major red flag there. That means that he's created an illusion, and you're not seeing through it. But your friend is, and you have been warned fairly. And let's not forget that once upon a time, he treated his with with respect too. Look how that turned out. He treats her like dirt.
My fear for you here is that he wants a carer. He's 33 years older than you, which means that when you're 35 and your friends have children, homes, husbands and all that, you'll be struggling to care for a possessive and somewhat cruel man aged 68 who will happily watch you run after him. Realistically he won't offer you children (if you want them), and his divorce will ensure that your lives are made difficult (especially if he has children - they will scorn you and make your life hell for it).
Your head, and your friend that speaks sense, is telling you that this won't work. You need to listen to it, because it's right. As for your friend who suggests that no one will profit if you split, that's rubbish. You'll gain a lot more for not being the carer of an old man who just wants to use you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 January 2011):
Oh boy.
You wanted a honest answer, so here it is :
I have a 21 y.o. son, he if would move in with a 54 y.o. MARRIED lady, I'd be devastated. Simply devastated.
Would I accept it ? I guess I would have no choice. He is my son, and always will be - whatever bizarre choice he may make. Would I like it ? : Heck no !
That for what concern your parents .
For what concerns strangers, neighbours and casual bystanders ... what do you care ?. They 'll look, they'll comment, they'll gossip, but you don't even know them and their opinion is , or should be, totally irrelevant to you.
If so far you were totally fine with being the mistress of a married guy probably older than your own dad-
I don't see why having people know about your relationship ,should make it somehow less fine .
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): I seriously feel for you and him. I'm caught in the same situation. If he seriously wants to leave his wife then he has to do it before you make a move. If he does then you will have to give him time and space. Leaving a 25 yr relationship will play to his emotions like never before. Me and my wife just separated after 8yrs of marriage and I now find our paths going in different directions. Affairs are stepping stones from other problems in relationships and when you have 25 yrs in with kids its going to be extremly hard for him. I now knowing what I'm doing is for the best of us because we are very different and were on different levels personality wise. We both held on for the wrong reasons. Fear will hold him back, its up to you on how much you can take. Heal yourself as he needs to heal. I wish you all the luck in the world because leaving someone is the hardest descion anyone can make. I still have my moments but they are becoming less and less everyday. He has to make the decision that his marriage is over based on it not working out, not for you. You don't want to be the rebound girl. I had to remove myself emotionally and physically from my lover to make my decision. I have to make my decision based on what I want for the future. He needs to do the same. Don't pressure him, let him come to that conclusion on his own. Remove yourself from him for now. Leave it in fates hands if you are meant to be together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): No it is not ok to move in with him while he is still legally married.You know it 2. Once he resolves his issues and completely frees himself to be with you then you can do as you please.
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