A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help, but I do not know the best way to ask it without giving the big picture first. Please, I ask that you be patient as you read this recount of my past before offering your advice.When I was 12, my oldest brother (then 18) and I became quite close. We had always had the same type of thinking as each other and pursued art above all things, despite our involvement in school and honors classes. We would be together 24/7 despite our age difference and had no issue talking to each other about anything. He and I would share a room while my other brother had his room all to himself. Truly, I can say with no doubt that his was the most amazing friendship I have ever had. This went on until after I turned 15, when things got a little complicated. By now I had already gotten a room of my own due to a move to another city. My brother, then 21, asked me to sleep in his room and, since we would be drawing together all that night, I agreed. That night, I dreamt that my brother was on top of me, touching me, and even positioning himself between my legs as though he intended to have sex with me. But, it certainly did not feel like a dream. At the time, I disregarded it and went about my day as normal, assuming it was just a freudian slip of the brain. This "dream" occurred twice after. About 3-4 months later, my brother and I were drawing our self-portraits when he leaned over and kissed my hair from behind. I remember this very clearly as I stared into my mirror watching him lie his face onto the back of my cranium. I remember it so clearly as he pulled back into his drawing position. I remember it so clearly because I said and did absolutely nothing but ponder in confusion. From then on, he continue to pull odd moves like that, which I do not feel are normal. At one point, we sat together on the sofa and he began scratching my hair, but the thought of his touch made me want to vomit as the 15 year old me began to suspect of incestuous thoughts on his behalf. I think he even got the hint as I would reduce our intimacy to talking and would pull away at any little touch.Then, when I was 16, he got a girlfriend (he had had girlfriends throughout his past as well, but he ended up marrying this particular one). The subtle looks would not stop regardless, as I once had to yell at him for staring at my breasts. Soon after, she ended up moving in with my family, and all of a sudden, the advances stopped. I was perfectly okay with this as I was already starting to have episodes of trembling everytime I began thinking of the inappropriate ways he would look at me. Anyway, we were still friends and I thought a woman might be the best thing that could happen to both of us. This could surely distance us enough to not have "weird" moments between us but still be as friendly as siblings are. However, I absolutely could not like his girlfriend. I was very, VERY friendly, and took one for the team, in a way. But I could not accept her for she lacked all the things that make people genuine and full of warmth and depth. (Plus she made my own mother cry by using her selfish ways but that's neither here nor there) But I feared that if I told my brother, he would assume a perverse notion that I might be jealous. And I feared that, BEING that, so very much.So when they moved out, I told him the truth, that I thought she was a mistake and that he was too blind in love to see how she hurts him. We stopped talking after that, because I let him know I would not accept her. He continued to visit my parents, but I would just linger in my room imagining that he wasn't there. We spoke once on the phone when I told him I refused to apologize to her when I told her, in defense, that I was not willing to listen to her complaints about my family. Of course, I did not apologize. And, perhaps as a result, he did not attend my high school graduation, or my prom day lunch, or my 17th and 18th birthday. I am now 18 years old and his 24th birthday will be this weekend. His girlfriend (now wife) has sent my family an invitation for a birthday dinner for him.What I want to know is, should I truly put everything that's happened behind and attend his birthday dinner? Am I, for once, correct in this unwillingness to invite him back into my life? Or am I possibly holding a grudge and using it as an excuse to not accept him and his wife into my family?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Alienated family relationships are truely difficult to overcome. It takes one party reaching out in order to facilitate things.
Are you capable of putting things behind you? Are the things she did unforgivable?
I don't know if that is the best time to work this out, but it may be time to talk to your brother and lay out your cards and tell him you want to get over all of this. Ultimately it's up to you to decide if you're ready.
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