A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, here is the situation: I feel like a fool right now.I started to get closer to this girl more than one and a half years ago. She had a boyfriend back then, but I knew that she is unhappy and the guy just does not let her go, even after a few breakups and getting back together and she told me all the time that she wants to leave her, but she feels too sorry for him too much to take this step.We got closer and closer, we went to places together, talked a lot, sometimes she slept at my place, but there was no sex or anything, just this, for a few months.And then there was sex, and there I was in a love-triangle, waiting for her to leave the guy at once.She did, but then she immediately disappeared for weeks, she went abroad. She came back and it turned out she had sex with two guys there. It hurt me, she didn't care much, she said we were not in a relationship and she needed a break, and somehow that was true. Still, we argued a lot about that, and she never said "sorry" (even though she was upset when she got to know that I kissed somone in a party when she was abroad).I wanted to be caring and all I got in return was complaints. Complaints for nothing. When she felt like partying, she got drunk (pretty frequently) and told me to go to hell, she's leaving. Or something like that. I begged her not to, all the time, took her back to my place, cooked for her at 5 am, put her to bed. In the morning she told me she was too drunk to remember what happened at night.I generally paid for everything, movie tickets, telephone, food. And then complaints came, she said I am too rich for her so this won't work. Complaints like that, for no reason, were common. It was really-really humiliating sometimes. Let's just see an example: when she said she liked something she saw while we were walking on the street and I said I didn't like it that much, she told me I am just telling this because I don't want to agree with her, and started an argument, didn't let me hold hands or kiss her and stuff. It was really-really humiliating sometimes, especially if it happened while we were in a company.But we were in love, so to say. She cried when I said I am fed up with this and she never wanted me to leave, she brought me presents, brought me home to her parents, told people that she was happy, had plans with me. And we had really good times together, too. When it was good, it was really good, then all of a sudden it was hell again. When I told her to change this attitude, she promised to, but after a few days, it went on like before.A few days ago, I had enough, though. We went to see a movie and she started complaining again because we went up to my apartment before leaving to the cinema to turn up the heating (we wanted to go back there after the movie but we agreed to go back to our parents' houses after in the evening) and I said (thinking aloud) that now I have to come back to turn it off, even if we don't come back here together in case plans for the afternoon change (which was likely since she goes somewhere with friends almost every evening).So she didn't let me hold hands with her after this, and the whole afternoon went on like that. In the end, I missed my train home because of her not wanting to get out of bed in time (she didn't care if I cathch it or not, she lives closer to the place and took the bus) and when I texted her "I missed this", she called me and I accidentally pressed the green button, so I got yelled on for not calling her back, so she wouldn't have to pay for the call.We didn't speak since then.I feel like a moron, really. I tried to pursue a relationship with this girl, and though I have my faults and always said I was sorry if I made a mistake (which she didn't do very often), I always tried to please her, go to places with her friends, paying her for stuff and that's what I got in return.What's my problem? Why do I do this? This is not the first time I was used and abused like this. I feel like I am fed up with relationships for life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the good advice, dirtball! I've been thinking a lot about these issues of mine lately. I will try to change my ways of thinking about friendships and relationships because as long as I am thinking this way, they are just gonna hurt and I will get abused more.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 January 2011):
 Thanks for the follow ups. Since you realize you have these tendencies, what are you doing to change them? Do you want to change them?
I'm all for going out of your way to be nice, but I draw my line when it's not reciprocated in any way. If I do something nice for someone, it's out of the goodness of my heart. I never expect a return, but on the same note a good person will return with something, even if that's just a heart felt thank you. People who continue to take are the worst, and need to be avoided. If you do something nice, don't go out of your way for them again unless there is a history of them returning the favor so to speak. Not so much an even trade, but an effort by them to show what your friendship means to them. I hope this makes sense.
Don't waste your time on the emotional vampires. You just need to get better at recognizing them for what they are.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): She's a nut job. Get away from her. What a screwball.
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A
female
reader, thumbelina42 +, writes (13 January 2011):
 My friend that sucks.
I have had many a friend putout because of their girlfriends, and, just so you know, it happens to even the best of people. Just from the first few paragraphs I can tell that you really fell for this girl wholeheartedly, but she turn out to be someone very selfish. Granted we are all selfish at times, but that does not give permission to bully a friend around.
It is great that you are a nice guy, which you have to be to have put up with that (a saint even if you ask me), and that is what many awesome girls look for. But, now, you can not make it where someone can take advantage of you. You need to set up a boundary line somewhere since there are childish people who will see how far they can push you.
Not to mention relationships are about give-and-take/balance; if you are doing all the giving then there is a problem. Childish people are lazy and will just let you give on-and-on and just be a dependent. Thus to have a true loving bond with someone nothing can be one sided; if she isn't giving you what you need then it is either work it out or get out.
Sadly there are many girls, and guys too, out there that are selfish and will just drain you for whatever they need. But never lose hope!!! There needs to be more guys like you out there; but you really need to avoid those who will just use you.
Also listen to dirtball at the bottom of this page. If she cheats on her with you then it doesn't matter what a good guy you are she will just cheat on you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Don't take things too far. Just end this relationship because it is very clear that it will go nowhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd yes, dirtball, my mother was (still is) impossible to please. I think I have quite a few problems in life apart from this this, and because of this. I always want to be friends with everyone, never want to make mistakes, never want to hurt anyone really and stuff like that, so I am also abused by people who call me their "friends" and after some time, they just leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers, guys! They really help. Few things to add, though:
- She didn't really want to have sex with me, I was the one who talked her into it the first time and we were both drunk - although after that, she was willing to do it a couple more times.
- The guys during her trip: she told me before that she doesn't want a relationship, I told her it's OK, it can be casual and she also told me that she might hook up with guys while abroad. I was sure she did stuff like that, I just didn't want to hear it, so I didn't ask, she told me anyway, dunno why.
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A
female
reader, Shini  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 It's pretty obvious that you care about the relationship a lot more than she does and that's why you're being used. At least to me it sounds that way. Some people I know don't have relationships (including coitus) and they are happy and fulfilled. But more than likely you'll get over it in time and go back to normal relationships, just remember to be wary of those types of women (a bit mental) although who isn't??? There's nothing wrong with you I'd say ditch her, which will be hard because you've been getting so attached to her just remember what this feeling is like and it should put you of her for life.
Good luck :3
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (12 January 2011):
 hi
sorry to hear you have been treated like this by someone who just basically sounds like she has no respect for your or your feelings. hate the part about her sleeping with 2 men abroad but then kicks off at you just coz you kissed someone (WTF?) i always advise people to make a list stating the good and bad points of a partner/ex partner, and from what you have said here on your post, if you were to make this list it would make very grim reading. even though she is gone, you might find it useful to get all her qualities down on paper anyway to be clear in your mind what to do when she comes crawling back (coz i think she will!) you get disrespect if you are willing to put up with it. you ignore red flag after red flag, give chance upon chance and the abusive partner soon learns this so they will carry on treating you bad BECAUSE THEY CAN. you won't give up on relationships i am sure, you just feel a bit hurt at the moment. i hope that in the future though you will AVOID girls who are in a relationship with someone else already?! if people wanna play those games, let them but please be BETTER THAN THAT and don't go along with it. meet someone who is honest and decent. if a girl wants to cheat with you she is showing you STRAIGHT AWAY that she is not honest and decent
xx
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 January 2011):
You like the impossible to please woman. The type who is never happy with anything. I've known these women. They are great at manipulating your feelings, and making things they do not their fault, when it was them orchestrating the whole damn time.
How was your relationship with your mom? Was/is she impossible to please? That's usually the case in situations like this.
Anyway, you need to adjust your "type." There are plenty of good women out there who do not behave like this. I just hope you can find one.
A couple of side notes:
She is right that you weren't techincally together while she was on her trip, so while your feelings are valid, they are also misplaced. She didn't cheat on you like she did on her BF WITH you.
She cheated on her BF. That's a bad sign from the start.
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