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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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My best friend and I like the same guy
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I told my FWB I love him and now he is ignoring me.
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A. 29 December 2010: In many areas what he did is punishable by manslaughter charges, even murder. I know that's the case in the US.
I feel very bad for you. I don't blame you for wanting to leave. Ultimately you need to do what's right for you.
I did a quick... (read in full...)
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A. 29 December 2010: Agreed.
OP, I hope you will take some personal responsibility here too. That was the ultimate goal of my posts, cruel as they may seem.
While in a relationship we should always consider how our partner feels, even if those feelings are tho... (read in full...)
Boyfriend called me a tart!
Q. im 14 and me and my bf have been dating for about 5 months and im not gonna lie i have had sex with him and not just once but any waay im a street dancer and me my boyfriend knows i wear shorts and belly tops alot and when im with him he doesnt mind ...
A. 29 December 2010: "It's actually not about his feelings at all, otherwise he wouldn't like her wearing those things when she's with him either."
True, and I think you're right about him being a jealous douche. He does display a double standard.
So, what can ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend dependable on me and others, but I love him?
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A. 29 December 2010: Is he at least making an effort to find a job? Have you talked to him about the strain this is putting on you and the relationship?
Situations like this are very stressful. They are difficult to deal with because the truely important things i... (read in full...)
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I'll never get my dream house with the white picket fence with my boyfriend's attitude
Q. hi,my boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years now and we have a 10mnth old.he is not working and is not actively job hunting.he has paid once while out for a date but i had to pay half and i have been paying for dates and our baby's needs ever ...
A. 29 December 2010: Unfortunately, he will always be part of your life as you share a child. That's unavoidable. To get him out of your life you just kick him out. Tell him it's over because he doesn't contribute and you're sick of taking care of him and the baby. ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend called me a tart!
Q. im 14 and me and my bf have been dating for about 5 months and im not gonna lie i have had sex with him and not just once but any waay im a street dancer and me my boyfriend knows i wear shorts and belly tops alot and when im with him he doesnt mind ...
A. 29 December 2010: Sometimes criticism is help. For example, "wen" is actually spelled "when." "I" should always be capitalized. And the outfit you describe is trampy.
Ok, so, he didn't like what you wore when doing your performance. Understandable consider... (read in full...)
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Q. I'm almost 45 years old, and I can't seem to get over how offended I get when I hear a man make reference to someone or a sports team, etc. when they say "they swallow". This completely turns me off and sets me back so much, I don't ever want to ...
A. 29 December 2010: Just remember that those comments are not directed at you and are said in jest. While they aren't the most appropriate thing to say, it is all meant as a joke. Jokes fail to be funny if the audience dosen't think they are funny, but if you're the ... (read in full...)
First I was smothering her, but now I don't care enough!
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A. 29 December 2010: It's for the best man. Best wishes.... (read in full...)
I like him, but I do not know how to express it.
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Is this crush on my teacher normal???
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A. 29 December 2010: Pancakes nailed it. Your crush is completely normal. Enjoy it as much as you want as long as you don't act on it.... (read in full...)
First I was smothering her, but now I don't care enough!
Q. Okay so I am a 17 year guy and I went out with my girlfriend for about 7 months. This is the second time we've split up. The first time was due to me "not caring", not being sensitive enough and generally giving the vibe that I didn't care (despite ...
A. 29 December 2010: Rollercoasters are fun, but there is a reason why they are short. When it comes to relationships, they are intense, great at times, and at other times, the lowest of the low.
It's time for you to get off this rollercoaster of a relation... (read in full...)
I wanna get out of the friend zone?
Q. Ive known this girl for almost 4 years and we have been best friends since the day we met. I have always had feelings for her and i want to get out the friend zone and make her mine. She recently called me and asked me if i would take her out on her ...
A. 28 December 2010: If she's single, then I say you should go for it. It beats bottling up those feelings any longer. Depending on what you plan for the date, you may be able to gauge her interest.... (read in full...)
Does anyone find female bodybuilders sexy?
Q. I do and some of them have been able to build up their strength and retain their feminine features. While I admit, muscle women aren't for everyone, they do have their appeal, I am just curious who else feels this way?...
A. 28 December 2010: P.s. to each their own.... (read in full...)
I don't want him to think I hate him... cause I don't!
Q. I have a crush on a guy 4 almost a year and we re both in college well i started to like him when i knew that he likes me but im just too shy to talk to him so... he tried so many times to talk to me and show me that he likes me month ago he s...
A. 28 December 2010: You definitely hurt him. He has probably been working up the courage to sit by you all semester. Then to have you move away. Yeah, that hurt. How can you make it right? Talk to him. Tell him you like him and were nervous.
You get nervous ... (read in full...)
Having girl troubles!!!
Q. ahhhhh help i think i ran into an relathionship too fast. someone please tell me how to handle this. i dont want to hurt her she asked me out. idk what to do. i been stress out about not being in a relship but now i am i just dont know if i could ...
A. 28 December 2010: back fast... (read in full...)
Is she wrong to begin a relationship with me again when she still has feelings for another?
Q. five years ago I began dating a wonderful woman, after 1-2 months, she dumped me to be with another man. Five years later, she asks me to take her back, we begin a serious realtionship and even talked about marriage. 6 months later she dumps me for ...
A. 28 December 2010: Yeah, she's definitely in the wrong. She'll end up getting hurt by this guy again and come crawling back to you. When she does, kick her ass to the curb!
History repeats itself. Never forget that. She won't change. If you do get with her... (read in full...)
I want a boyfriend too!!!
Q. i am a 14 year old girl and my best friend always has a boyfriend and i dont always want one but then i do and i just dont know what to do plz help :)...
A. 28 December 2010: Ask your friend to help set you up. Her boyfriend probably knows some nice guys who are single. That's a good place to start unless you have your eyes on someone. Then you should just talk to that guy.... (read in full...)
How can I look hot and sexy when people keep mistaking me for a cute little girl?
Q. This is probably kinda shallow but i'm having a hard time trying to be sexy. People older than me tell me i'm a pretty girl but i always think they're lying. the thing is i wanna be sexy or hot and i'm more cute in a little girl way. i have a small ...
A. 28 December 2010: How adorable. LOL In 10 years you'll be thanking your lucky stars you look young.
You're too young to be dressing sexy. Enjoy your damn youth! It goes by too quickly already.
I realize that when you're young it's the last thing you w... (read in full...)
Is texting other men and women while in a relationship acceptable?
Q. I was married for 17 years and have been divorced for 6 years. I've dated off and on in those 6 years. it seems that people think it's ok to text other girls and men while being in a relationship. I don't think that is acceptable. my ex-husband and ...
A. 28 December 2010: Ultimately it depends on what they are texting about. Would it be fine for him to take a phone call from them? Would it be ok for him to answer an email from them? Talk to them in person? It's all the same. As long as they aren't exchanging ... (read in full...)
Does anyone find female bodybuilders sexy?
Q. I do and some of them have been able to build up their strength and retain their feminine features. While I admit, muscle women aren't for everyone, they do have their appeal, I am just curious who else feels this way?...
A. 28 December 2010: Personally, no. Some can be attractive, but most look too much like men, beard and all. Fuggin' steroids.... (read in full...)
They swallow!!!
Q. I'm almost 45 years old, and I can't seem to get over how offended I get when I hear a man make reference to someone or a sports team, etc. when they say "they swallow". This completely turns me off and sets me back so much, I don't ever want to ...
A. 28 December 2010: I think you take them way too personally. I've dated some girls who ejaculate and I've swallowed when going down on them. Who cares? It doesn't make me less of a man, in fact, I tend to think it makes me more of a man. If I'm with a woman and ... (read in full...)
I'll never get my dream house with the white picket fence with my boyfriend's attitude
Q. hi,my boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years now and we have a 10mnth old.he is not working and is not actively job hunting.he has paid once while out for a date but i had to pay half and i have been paying for dates and our baby's needs ever ...
A. 28 December 2010: Well, he's a bum who's mooching off of you because you let him. He won't change because he has no motivation to change. I'd like to do nothing all day too. Sounds like a great life!
Want your dream house? I bet you'd be a step closer if you w... (read in full...)
Is chatting on yahoo messenger classified as cheating?
Q. i been with my boyfriend for over a year and we both in love as well as we both live together. the problem is i moved with my mother for certain time but i have been chatting on yahoo messenger everyday with different guys when im bored, and i do...
A. 28 December 2010: It depends on what you're chatting about. If you're having cyber sex with people, then I would classify that as close to cheating. If you're just chatting about random stuff, nope. You are allowed to talk to people other than your BF right? If ... (read in full...)
Is my boyfriend talking to other girls online?
Q. I guess I need some reassurance here as my boyfriend is constantly on a "friendship site" (almost everyday) and I'm concerned. He paid for this online site which doesn't look like a dating site, it claims that you can meet international fr...
A. 28 December 2010: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/could-he-be-talking-to-girls-on-this.html
Guess I was the only one to answer you last time huh. Well, I still think it boils down to trust. Do you trust him?
If you want to talk about it, then that's what... (read in full...)
He lies about smoking weed!
Q. Hi.. I have this problem with my boyfriend... He constantly lies to me about weed. I am so against it and i tried to forbid him of using it.. He always hangs out with his friend that smoke weed, and he claims that he does not. I convinced him that ...
A. 28 December 2010: You can't make someone change. Real change only happens when someone wants to do it for themselves. That means if he tries to change for you, it won't work either.
I was an ounce a week pothead in college. If you know anything about pot, you... (read in full...)
We have a crazy history together but I'm trying to just be friends with him
Q. I started dating this guy about 9 months ago. After a couple of months we both kind of grew apart romantically but became really good friends. We would share stuff about our romantic lives and things were going fine. Then I found out that I was ...
A. 28 December 2010: You can't, there's just way too much history for that to be possible. The best thing you can do is be honest with him about what you're feeling. Being open about such things is the only way I've found to be able to move on. If you bottle ... (read in full...)
I'm in love with the idiot but now he has a girlfriend!
Q. I dated this guy for almost six months. Things were going great, we had the best of times...then all of a sudden, stupid me decides to break up with him because I took something that he said completely wrong...and, well, i didn't want him back for a ...
A. 28 December 2010: He's moved on like you should. You just want what you can't have. It's natural, especially after a break up.
You two had your chance. It didn't work. Hopefully you'll have better luck with the next guy. If you really do love him, you woul... (read in full...)
Sometimes I need space! My girlfriend just doesn't understand!
Q. So me and my girlfriend have been together for about 4 years now, first 2 years were fine but the last 2 are getting worse, always trying to look through my phone on who I talk to and what about, everytime I plan something with friends she pulls the ...
A. 28 December 2010: It's not a bad thing to want some space or to hang out with your friends. That's healthy in a relationship. To me, the most telling thing you wrote was this:
"We broke it off once because of this and got back together a couple weeks later wi... (read in full...)
Am I outgrowing occasional sex?
Q. About 4 years ago just after university, I had what I thought was a one night stand with an acquaintance who was in town over the weekend. At times over the years, he has come into town and propositioned me (sublety). Sometimes I said I couldn't ...
A. 28 December 2010: You thought this would make you feel better but it didn't. That's where your feelings are likely coming from. It could have also reminded you of something about yourself that you don't like. It could also have been that you like him more than you ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend called me a tart!
Q. im 14 and me and my bf have been dating for about 5 months and im not gonna lie i have had sex with him and not just once but any waay im a street dancer and me my boyfriend knows i wear shorts and belly tops alot and when im with him he doesnt mind ...
A. 28 December 2010: Abella has this nailed down pretty well. I also think he was a bit jealous when he saw you dressed like that with other guys and got upset.
Part of being in a relationship is respecting each other's feelings. You showed a great disrespe... (read in full...)
Are chivalry and fidelity things of the past?
Q. After getting my heart broken about a year and a half ago. Am I naïve to still believe in chivalry and fidelity? ...
A. 28 December 2010: They are still alive, but often I get the feeling that many women don't want chivalry anymore. Many "chivalrous" actions are considered "sexist" by some women. As such, many men have become cautious about opening doors, pulling out chairs, ... (read in full...)
Why did my sister in law include photos of my husband's exs from 20 years ago?
Q. Two months after our wedding, at the family gathering for Christmas, my husband's sister presented everyone with a slide show put together of all the kids growing up. She hooked it up to a big screen television and we all began to watch. At frst it ...
A. 28 December 2010: Well, those wedding pics probably included other family members too, right? They aren't that out of the ordinary in something like that. Because this was a family thing, her husband's past doesn't really play in. If she had a previous marriage, ... (read in full...)
At 16, should I have already started having relationships?
Q. i am a 16 year old guy and i have never had any type of relationship with a girl. i haven't even kissed one and most of my friends have already, well you know. is this normal or should i hurry it up?...
A. 28 December 2010: Nope, it's normal. There is no need to hurry. Sure, many people you know are dating or have dated. That doesn't mean everyone does though. It also doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
It will happen when you're ready. If you want... (read in full...)
He lies about smoking weed!
Q. Hi.. I have this problem with my boyfriend... He constantly lies to me about weed. I am so against it and i tried to forbid him of using it.. He always hangs out with his friend that smoke weed, and he claims that he does not. I convinced him that ...
A. 28 December 2010: Here's the thing. If you're going to make a statement like, "If you smoke weed again, you'll lose me." You need to be willing to follow through. If you make a consequence for an action, that only works if the consequence happens. As it is now, ... (read in full...)
He lies about smoking weed!
Q. Hi.. I have this problem with my boyfriend... He constantly lies to me about weed. I am so against it and i tried to forbid him of using it.. He always hangs out with his friend that smoke weed, and he claims that he does not. I convinced him that ...
A. 27 December 2010: He lies because he knows you disapprove. What benefit would coming clean have for him? You'll still be upset.
He's not likely to change this habit. Can you accept him smoking pot? If not, perhaps it's just better to end it.... (read in full...)
I like him, but I do not know how to express it.
Q. There is a guy at work who I think has a crush on me for awhile. He used to walk by cubicle and look into my mirror so I would notice him. He would smile and look away. Then, I took notice and eventually liked him. I said "hi" to him and then the ...
A. 24 December 2010: Start by striking up a conversation or suggesting you go to lunch together. He sounds shy and unsure of himself, so it's doubtful he'll make a move. You'll know if there is something to this if you can talk to each other rather than just ... (read in full...)
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