A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together 17 years and had 4 children. We have 2 teenagers and 2 toddlers. Our first 15 years together were great years. The last 2 years have been pure missery. My husband did a complete 180 and is a totally different person towards me and the teenagers. Im thinking he is going through a mid life crisis or maybe depression but Im also questioning that being that the only ones he treats badly are mostly the teenagers and me at times. He still treats the babies great. Everything the teenagers do is not good enough, for instance my oldest brings home his report card and has 2 D's on it, the husband flips out on him calls him names that you would call someone at a bar it escaltes and I have to break them up. My oldest has adhd and is hard to handle at times but talking things out with him work better than anything else. My husband disagrees with that, while Im in trying to smooth things over with him my husband is in the living room yelling things to me like your wasting your time, as soon as he turns 18 he is outta here, and so on. My husband works out of town and is only home on the weekends. Through the week it is nice here on the weekends when he is home it is so stressful I just cant take anymore. He moans and complains from the time he wakes up till the time he goes to bed. And in the rare occasion that he gets in a good mood "which is usually around 8 p" is only because he wants to get a little before he goes to bed and then gets mad at me cause Im still irritated and dont want bothered with him. When he touches me I sorta get that same kinda grossed out feeling when a bug is crawling up your arm! I mean it started slowly 2 years ago and just keeps getting worse.. He is so lazy anymore to.. All the small things that mattered so much to me he no longer does! There is just so much I could go on and on and every time I suggest counceling or anything he says we dont need it. He seems to think everything is just fine while in the mean while I hate him and the 2 older kids hate him and constantly tell me Im stupid for being with their own father but at the same time the babies just adore him.. Im ripped and dont know which way to turn.. I know in my head I should leave but my heart says stay for the babies sake cause I dont wanna see them sad! I just dont know what to do anymore. He has me feeling like Im loosing my mind! Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): I'm sorry I disagree with the poster below who says your husband still loves you because he still wants to be intimate with you. I'm sorry but everything in your post shows me complete opposite. he treats you and the older kids like dirt. He only "wants to be intimate" with you meaning he wants to get his needs filled. that is not the same thing as intimacy. Intimacy means making a positive caring emotional connection with the person you're doing the deed with. Sounds like he's just getting his needs met that's all.You can't have intimacy if only one person is willing. You obviously can't stand to be touched by him at all and I don't blame you.
You said it yourself - you hate him and your two older kids hate him. You need to leave him for your sake and theirs.
A
female
reader, jellow1357blondie +, writes (13 January 2011):
I just had to reply to this. I am a teenager, and my mother is currently married to my stepdad, who is the father of my toddler sister. the first about 3 years of their marriage went fine, but the past about 2 years has been misery for all four of us. me and my mother have sat down with him and told him that if he didn't change we would leave. it has been several months and nothing. from the point if view of the teenage children, you need to leave him. I'm sorry but you do. this whole situation is horrible for us teens and we can't function properly in school. since the decrease of happiness in the household because of him, I went from a straight a student to getting ds. me and my mother will probably be leaving him soon, and I think you should do the same. he can have partial custody of the kids if you think it's best. my mother left my biological father when I was 2. I hope this helps, for your teenagers sake.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Everything is not fine in this relationship. And it is misery for you and your children. Your older children are being abused and your younger children are probably being scarred emotionally and scared by the tension.
This bad atmosphere will take a toll on your health if you keep enduring it. Then what will happen to your family?
This relationship is not worth another 18 years of misery. It will wear you down into a miserable broken existence. You have suggested counselling. And he can't see it. Counselling is no longer a choice. It is essential for your husband.
There is a need to get him into some sort of therapy, if he is unwilling to change his abusive behavior.
If he still does not respond then your marriage may be over.
Spell out the facts to your husband.
Perhaps your husband will see sense before it gets to this stage? I wish you well.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (12 January 2011):
 This is tough.
I would recommend you see a counselor to talk about things.
From your post, it still sounds like he loves you. He still wants to be intimate with you and that's a good sign. If he was bothered by you as much as you are bothered by him, you'd probably be sleeping in different rooms.
The bottom line is, I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Sometimes, if it is too difficult to talk verbally, a nice letter that's brief and to the point. Keep it in the perspective of "how we can work together to make things work for the happiness of the family" and if there is something you are doing wrong to have him let you know.
Explain to him how his actions have hurt the kids and most importantly you.
Give him the letter and let him have time to read it by himself. Perhaps mail it to his office or slip it into his suitcase when he leaves for the week.
Again, keep the letter short! No 10 page diatribes or a checklists of you did this and you didn't do that. Explain the importance of how you want a happy family and how much the kids love him.
See how he reacts and work from there. You may also want to read "Woman Power" by Dr Laura Schlessinger and the "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by her as well. It may help.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abbii_xxx  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 ok erm this must be a really hard situation and i know you only trying to do whats right for your children but is it right that you and your teenagers have to suffer all the abuse and be constantly unhappy?
honestly im only 17 and i really no what its like to be treated like a piece of dirt by your dad... but i also noo all your children want is for you to be on there side, i noo al i want is my mum and she is always there we have packed our bags and left before as my dad got angry with me and hit me round the head wiv a book (dont worry it didnt hurt) but my mum still did that for me.
your husband should obviously stil have to rite to see his children if he wishes and i noo it will probly be hard for your babies but you have to do wats best in the long run... look into your future wat do you think it will turn out look either way.
i dont no alot but i honestly think it will do you and your family a great favour, i wish you and your children all the luck in the future xx
...............................
A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Have you found out the real reason why his behaviour is like this its a little jumping the gun for filing a divorce have you spoken to hubby it could be a number of things thats eating him be it a mid life crisis in which case he needs help to get over that otherwise he is going to spiral downhill even further, is it he is no longer coping with the behaviour of the adhd teen? Or maybe its a problem with work ie his having to work extra hours due to a paycut or something.
Only way you're going to get piece of mind from this is by sitting the hubby down and talking to him to find out what the real issue is it's been 2years so something has happened if it's depression or mid-life crisis his going to need help to get through it. Talk to hubby get him to talk on whats stewing him up.
Mind he also sounds alot like how my old man is too before he retired lmao being a trucker who was gone 6 days a week when I was growing he was the same I had to end up buying a flat for him and mum for he was driving me up the wall with similar problem those who follow the wayward wind seem to hate being at home when their routine is used to working those long hours. Either way your going to need some form of councelling to work through it if hubby is prepared to talk about the problem.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (12 January 2011):
 I think you should talk to an attorney and see about getting some divorce paperwork drafted. Then present it to him and tell him he either takes your concerns seriously or you're going through with a divorce. He's going to need it to slap him in the face before he faces the reality you've laid out.
I think you could get through this with councelling, but he has to be willing to go. Him ignoring your feelings solves nothing and makes problems worse. Perhaps he won't ignore the divorce papers.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (12 January 2011):
 My, this is a tricky situation, it must be so hard for you right now.
How old are you're 2 teens now? Your husband may be good with the babies but if you stuck around would he be the same with the babies when they get to their teens? If i were you i would get yourself out, or your 2 teens are going to end up resenting you. Obviously your husband does have rights when it comes to seeing the children, if he has to come round to see the babies, can you not send your 2 teens to their friends houses if they don't want to see their father?
But definately tell your husband how you are feeling, it may very well click in his mind that he is not being the man he should be.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): There are three very stressful situations here. You have two teenagers one with ADHD (my brother has the same) and two small children (stressful) and a husband who is only with you at week-ends.
I think you really need to maybe write him a letter telling him how serious things have got recently and how unhappy you are in the relationship. With a letter he can read it again and again. In your letter you could tell him all the things you love about him (or like even) and how you wish things were better for you all.
It sounds like you need a break from each other and I would certainly be the one to instigate this. He really needs time apart from you to reflect on his bad behaviour and see how it is affecting you and your children.
If he is not willing to go to counselling then you need to go on your own. The counellor will be able to give you impartial suggestions on how you can work things through whether you decide to stay together or break up ultimately.
Trouble is some people just dont realise what they have until they lose it all. You need to get it across to your husband that his anger towards the older children is not acceptable and that it verges on bullying and if the wants a future relationship with them he needs to think very carefully.
The younger children will grow up and the same will happen with them. Is this the right environment for them to see their father bullying, shouting and being aggressive towards their loving mother?
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Ok well you are saying that you are staying with him because of your two babies, you dont want to upset them, but believe me young children pick up on tension around the house no matter how hard you try to cover it up and in the long run this is unhealthy for them.
You have suggested councelling but he obviously doesnt see the problems that you see. I know you want to think of your babies but what about your two teenagers? The way he speaks down to your son can actually cause long term damage to his self confidence if your husband keeps shouting down at him and calling him names.
I honestly think it would be better for you and the children if you were to leave him. Sit down with your husband tell him how bad you are feeling tell him everything that is wrong. At the end of the day if you both split up it doesnt mean that he wont see his two youngest children he should still be entitled to see them and at least there will be a peaceful atmosphere in the house.
Goodluck and all the best in the future.
...............................
|
